Coasting the Rest of the Year

I feel like I am living in my new home, not just moving into it. There are still boxes to unpack and things to find places for, but I'm comfortable and getting used to the fact that I live here now. Maybe forever? Maybe not. But it's highly likely that I will live in this house for a long time. 

I'm building my life here. I have my new job (which I'd be fine with for the rest of my career but, who knows, I know that's wishful thinking). I have some friends I can meet up with for dinner. I am learning my way around and have a favorite coffee place.

I'm creating new routines. Working full-time again has been a big adjustment, but I'm figuring out how to fit in other things that are important to me. I do laundry on Sundays. I used to go to the grocery store on Sundays but recently changed that to Saturday. I clean the litter boxes every day. It's easy to do that every day. It becomes a bigger job if I only do it once or twice a week. Pretty exciting stuff, huh? ;)

Twelve years ago my life was very empty. Full of lots of time that I was waiting to fill with raising children. Ten years ago I went back to school and suddenly all of my time went to studying and sleeping. Since graduating that program, I've had nine jobs. Eight years ago I moved out of state. Then last year I moved to another state. It's been a very demanding year.

October had a lot of hard days, but it was really good and enjoyable too. Now we are in November, and it gets so dark so early. Maybe it will help motivate me to take advantage of the daylight in the spring and go for regular walks. For now I'm thinking about trying a yoga studio or joining a gym. 

I honestly don't know how my friends with kids are doing it. How do they work full-time, take care of a home, exercise, socialize, and feed themselves and their children? Well, I guess I'm doing all of that except feeding my children, so I guess that's how they do it. 

I am thankful for my time. I am grateful for how I spend it. I like my job. I love my home. I enjoy my hobby. I'm even starting to make my peace with doing chores and running errands.

Routines help. Not moving helps too. You know what also helps? Not navigating disenfranchised grief that left me lost, lonely, in pain, without purpose, and misunderstood by everyone.

Yeah, having routines, a stable home, and a lack of profound life stressors really helps.

For now, I will maintain. I will count my blessings and enjoy the little things.

You can buy this cute punch needle kit here. One of my interests adjacent to quilting is applique, and this website sells supplies and kits for wool applique.

 

Abundance even when it doesn't feel like it

We all know that there is only so much we can take. At some point (mentally, physically, emotionally, socially, existentially, etc.), we reach our limit. Hit the ceiling. Max out our capacity. 

A couple of weeks ago I was feeling cranky and said so to a co-worker. She immediately suggested I take a day of PTO (paid time off). She even suggested putting in for a day that was right before my alternate day off. (I work 9-hour days so I can have one day off every other week. That alternate day off saves me.) Brilliant! I did as instructed, haha.

So my day of PTO was last week. When I first scheduled it, I planned on unpacking. Then, as it got closer, I thought I'd use the day to take care of two tasks that I've been dragging out and that have been weighing on my mind. Friends, I used the day to sleep. I got 12 hours of sleep the night before, and I took a 3 - 4 hour nap that day. I know I can sleep a lot, but that is not normal. 

I realized: I am depressed. Like, actually, low grade clinical depression. It makes sense if I consider the last year. The last 15 years.

So here I am again. Run down. Again. Low energy, low mood, inability to focus. Sleeping a lot. Seriously, it feels like all I've been doing is working and sleeping. But, hey, I have a job I like and I also feel rested after I sleep so there's that. Those are not small things.

It's just so much. 

The demands of life. The cost of living. The constraints on our time. The changing social norms.

It's a lot.

I see it in everyone. I feel it in myself.

I reached out to my best friend. I texted her and said I was depressed. She texted me back and said she was so tired of doing all of the things she has to do. She said she was prioritizing doing things that made her happy. And then she sent me a pic of some amazing gumbo she and her husband had just made. Oh man, I wanted some of that gumbo so bad.

She's right. I know I've been out of balance for a long time. Some time periods are like that.

But I have to start doing more of what makes me happy. 

My mental health depends on it.

(Picture and recipe for bread cornucopia found here)

I stress about not having enough when I can shift my perspective to see how much I have.

Energy, interests, employment, pets, love...

My ideas for what I can do more of that makes me happy:

sew

go for a walk
have dinner with a friend

read a book or magazine

try a yoga class (I haven't been to one since I moved here)

cook with my boyfriend

color

What are your ideas? What can you do more of that makes you happy?