Hello! Hi! How are you? I've missed you.
And quite honestly, I need you. Thank you for being here.
In my last post, I didn't know if I was ending this blog or not. Well, actually, I thought I was done with it. I thought the theme had run its course. I mean, I achieved my goal. I created a life I want to live. And now I am living it.
What happened is I got my feelings hurt. By two little anonymous comments that really weren't that big of a deal, just strangers spouting their opinion on what I'd written without full context or understanding. The first time it happened I engaged. The second time I did not. But I thought, life is hard enough, I don't need this. And I don't. None of us do. So I took a break from blogging.
But guess what.
It's not the strangers that can hurt us the most. It is the people we know and love. Or rather, it is the people we thought we knew that can cut us deeply...
Over the last several months while I haven't been blogging, I had a close family member say very mean, rude, and unnecessary things to me. I don't want to write about it yet because I would hate for anything to go viral when I am still struggling with processing and navigating the whole thing. I apologize for being vague. You're not missing anything juicy or interesting. A close family member said some things and made a very short-sighted decision, and I am very very hurt. Like, this will permanently affect our relationship. What the future will look like, I do not know. But I do know that things will never be the same. There was Before and there will be After.
So if a stranger is hate-reading my blog, whatever asinine and judgmental comments they leave me behind their "anonymous" shield won't really affect me anymore. They can't hurt me. I don't even know them.
It's the people we love that can hurt us the most. Being deeply hurt is the biggest thing that's happened to me this summer. It's changed everything.
Other important updates are that my boyfriend and I are back together and have been for a while now. We worked hard to communicate, we're each making our own changes, and we are happily back together! I am not surprised that we got back together because I knew we loved and liked each other so much, but I was surprised by how quickly it all happened.
Also, I quit another job. I loved that job, but I was very underpaid. It didn't feel good. I grew a lot professionally in that position, but it was definitely time for me to move on. It was scary to quit, but I knew I needed to so I did.
I still have my other job that I love. It's in a nursing home and I only work every now and then.
But I already have a new part-time job and it has nothing to do with caregiving!
For the past 27 years, I've worked in education and healthcare. I have taken care of thousands of other people's children, parents, and grandparents. It's wonderful, awesome, rewarding, and a privilege to be a caregiver. It is also exhausting. And lacking in reciprocity. (Just being honest...) But when I'm giving my all to students and patients, I don't really get that much back. They're not MY kids or parents or grandparents. It is a professional relationship that does not involve unconditional love or even fellowship outside of our appropriate setting. Plus, caregiving jobs are typically done by women and are extremely underpaid. It's a lot of giving without getting a lot in return. I hate to say all of this, but it's true. And knowing all of this makes me appreciate this new job opportunity working for a small, family-owned company. I don't think I ever want to fully step away from healthcare, but I don't think I will ever be able to do clinical work full-time. It's extremely demanding, and I need to honor the sensitive constitution that I was born with.
These have all been good realizations for me.
It's a lot of change. I had no idea that year 2024 was going to be so transformational. It feels like I'm letting everything go (relationships, jobs, old behavioral patterns) and seeing what comes back. My life is restructuring itself. Again.
And amidst all of this, I have returned to working on my research about involuntary childlessness. Here's something interesting. I found it was harder to go through the narrative data this time around compared to previous periods of data analysis. It's taken me by surprise. I've had to slow down, work in shorter bursts, and give myself emotional recovery time. It's hard reading about other women's difficult experiences and all of the things that have been said and done to them. Really hard. Especially when it's all so relatable.
But I am committed! And I am grateful. What an opportunity and privilege to be able to conduct an international qualitative pilot study. I am looking forward to sharing the results of my research at several different state conferences this fall. Then I will draft an article for publication in an academic journal to get the research officially documented and accessible!
But I need you. I need this community. I have myself, my understanding boyfriend, and my supportive friends. But there's my family that always invalidates and infantilizes me. And there's a whole, big pronatalist world that makes so many assumptions about me and my life. It's just hard being so misunderstood. I know members of other marginalized groups feel the same way.
We need each other.
(Image taken from a company website that provides website support.
I know nothing about this company, just giving credit to where I found the picture.)
