Thankful, Tired, & Couldn't Have Done It Without You

I haven't sewn. I haven't cooked. I haven't exercised. All three of these activities are very important ways that I take care of myself. I can tell I haven't done them in weeks.

However, we can't do everything, and what I have done is move! Yayyy. Glad to have that done!

Movers came last Saturday and moved all of the boxes and what little furniture we have. I took the whole week off of work and did an amazing job of balancing rest and getting shit done. I managed one major errand/task a day AND a nap. :)

I'm not kidding when I say that I literally slept for half of my PTO (paid time off) week. I honestly slept 9 - 10 hours a night with a 2 - 3 hour nap every day. I was that tired. I am so thankful I was able to take a week off before my body gave out or I had a mental break. Seriously. We all push ourselves so much, but our physical and mental health should not be taken for granted. 

I thought about my friends with kids and how they can't take a week off. But then I also remembered that their lives have nothing to do with mine. I am living MY life, not theirs. And my life has been constant upheaval and reinvention for over a decade. It's been tiring and I'm allowed to rest.

It was a year ago today (Sunday 8/24/2025) that I realized I had to move. I was going to lose my affordable health insurance. My three jobs weren't covering my bills and I didn't have it in me to add in a fourth. I needed to get somewhere more viable for the rest of my life. 

I didn't want to look for (and start!) a new job, and I didn't want to deal with moving. I didn't want to do any of it. Just like IUIs and IVF. Just like going back to school for a new career. Just like getting divorced, moving a million times, and enduring a pandemic. 

I didn't want to do any of it. 

I did it anyway. 

And I'm calling this the finish line.

I did it. I'm done. I have arrived. It's time to stop and smell the roses.

I created a life I want to live.

Most importantly, I love myself. I love myself so much. I look back at myself in the past and have so much compassion for all of my anxiety, depression, insecurity, and suffering. I'm so much kinder to myself now.

I also love my partner, my new home, my job, my cats, and my hobbies. I love the little things. I love tasty meals and nourishing conversations. I love moments of peace, and I love contentment. 

Stress never ends. Problems never stop. I know that. 

But my most recent marathon is over. 

I have grieved and integrated my losses. I restructured my life. I created a place for myself without my children in this world where I always thought I'd be a mom. It was no small task. There's a reason it took me over a decade. Even after years of blogging honestly, I still can't seem to put the whole experience into words. I haven't yet accurately described how completely disorienting it is to be childless not-by-choice.

So I moved. And moved and moved and moved. I moved away from what I didn't want and moved toward what I did want. And I think it's pretty safe to say that I won't move again for awhile. Of course, anything can happen. But I'm here now. Professional state licensure, state driver's license, vehicle registration, and I bought a house. I'm in a city. If I lose my job, there are others.
I can live my life here.

Everyone keeps asking me if I'm unpacked and settled. It's only been a week.

In a way, my head is still spinning from the last ten years. I can barely process the last year alone.

So that's me. That's where I'm at. A tired pile of mush. Feeling overwhelmingly grateful. 

I get that nobody else in my life really understands what I'm feeling right now. It's a little lonely, but that's how it goes with infertility and involuntary childlessness. So thank you for reading this post and supporting me with your love, laughter, and commiseration all these years. 

We did it. We saved ourselves.

Pic found at https://www.vecteezy.com/free-photos/runner-finish-line

The Last Onesies

For the first time in over 20 years, I do not own a single onesie. It's the end of an era.

I always wanted to be a mom. I dreamed about it as a kid and planned for it my whole life. Once my (now ex-) husband I started dating, I started buying onesies. I figured I wouldn't want to buy the cute, expensive onesies once the baby was here and I needed actual diapers and stuff. I had quite a collection, and then I gave them all away. 

All except for six onesies I couldn't give away. I needed to place them in the right home. 

And then I met a very cool co-worker. And I knew she would appreciate the onesies. We had a work event last week. She's out on maternity leave, but she came and brought the baby. I brought the onesies and gave them to her. I was right. She loved them. But what I didn't know is that one of the band onesies was one of her favorite bands! That was an awesome surprise. So she and I both have one of the same favorite bands. And yes, she already sent me pics of her newborn swimming in this onesie for 6-month-olds. She's excited that it's so big on him so he can wear it longer hahaha.

Didn't that work out?

Also, at the work event (it was a casual lunch), there were 4 women standing in a circle. Me, my co-worker with her baby, and two other co-workers. My co-worker asked us if we wanted to hold the baby and... All three of us said no! Hahahaha. It cracked me up. That's the largest group of women I've been in where no one wanted to hold the baby. Hahahaha. And my co-worker is cool. She didn't mind or take it personally. She was just offering. I loved it.

No more onesies for me! I don't own any. I won't be buying any. I don't want to be pregnant, and I don't want a newborn. I don't want a toddler, and I don't want a kid. My own children would be preteens and teenagers by now and that would've been fine with me. But they're not coming in this lifetime so I am living a different life. A life without onesies.

I'm glad the last 15 years are behind me. So so soooo glad.
I'm grateful for this new chapter. Hell, it's more than a chapter.
I'm grateful for this new book in the series of my life. I kicked my own ass to create it.

Plan E is Enough

After not having kids, my (now ex-) husband and I came up with a Plan B. Then he didn't join me when I moved to another state even though we had been planning it together for the last 3 years. So that brought me to Plan C. I was in a new state by myself. I'm gonna consider it Plan D when, several years later, I bought my little house that I thought I'd be in forever. It was small and affordable, and I thought I could live the rest of my simple life there. But things changed and I needed to move, and that brings me to now.

I think I'm on Plan E. That's perfect. E for enough. I am enough, I've been through enough, I've done enough, and I have enough. The current plan is to do this for as long as I can. I like this chapter of my life. I appreciate my job, and I love my time at home. I've been cooking a little more and that feels good too.

I'm finally coasting. I mean, I'm working hard and resting a lot and trying to stay on top of chores and errands while also making time for sewing and hanging out with my boyfriend. But I'm not grieving or moving or looking for a job, and I am extremely thankful for that.

I still think about my childlessness. It makes my life different in ways that still surprise me.

Who knows what my life would be like if I'd had children. I only know what my life is like right now. And right now my life is good. All current events aside, I am appreciating this moment in time. (Which is, honestly, such a weird thing to do... to be currently experiencing such contrast with good times and bad times. But that's all the more reason to appreciate the good while it's good.) 

It's Sunday and I finally have some routines. Having a regular work schedule really helps. Now I do laundry and clean out the fridge on Sundays. I've started cooking some things I can eat throughout the week. It's a nice reset. I feel organized for the work week. I have food to eat and clean clothes to wear. It was a fun, restful weekend and I already look forward to next Saturday when I will order pizza, sew, and watch movies again. 

Next month we have concert tickets on a Saturday. That will be a nice break in routine. 

Everything about my kids is hypothetical. If I could've had them, they might be old enough to go to the concert with me. If they'd want to. Haha maybe their way of rebelling would be to skip the heavy metal show with their mom and go to some pop concert with a friend.

I don't think about my kids extensively. When I do think about them, they're perpetually 6 & 8 years old or maybe 8 & 10. A son and a daughter. A big brother and his little sister. They are named. But that's the extent of it really. Plus, he/she/they would be older than that by now.

Anyway! I don't have kids and it has impacted my life in every way. But I've had over a decade to process this fact, and I don't often have new thoughts about it. Childlessness is an important part of my story, but it no longer consumes me. Now I pour my energy into myself and my work, home, loved ones, cats, and hobby. Sometimes I feel sad and I feel it. Other times I feel other things and I feel those too.

I came up with a new dream for myself: create a life I want to live. And I did it.

My new dreams include quilts I want to make and exploring my new community. I want to keep getting better at my job. I look forward to making new friends here. I want to exercise and make my body stronger. I'll continue to cook and clean, and one day these tasks will feel easy and enjoyable. (They're already starting to feel enjoyable, but neither are easy yet.) 

I don't plan on ending this blog at all, but if you don't hear from me, that's what all I'm doing. 

Eat, sleep, work, sew. Eventually exercise and socialize. I love it.

In addition to being a cat mom, I also want to eventually be a plant mom too. 
(I hope those mom-centric phrases don't make you cringe too much!) 
It's another lifelong dream of mine. I'd love to have plants alive and thriving throughout my home. 
(Of course, I will look into which plants are safe to have with cats.)

 

 

 

 

Home for Solstice

I just had the greatest weekend. I wasn't moving, working, or traveling. And, my new couch was delivered! It felt great to relax at home and have a place where we could both sit down. I went to the grocery store, unpacked some kitchen stuff, and did some laundry. None of these things are very exciting, but it's very exciting to get to do them after months of living in transit.

I want to hold on to this excitement for the simple things. 

I'm so damn content to be where I am. I am so damn grateful to have my new job, new rental, my cats, my boyfriend, my family and friends spread across the country and world, and very importantly, the kind relationship I have with myself.

We left our old couch. It was a great couch. I bought it when I got divorced. It was comfy and in great condition. But, it was big and heavy. And ultimately, it didn't make it on the moving truck. 

I knew I wanted to get a new couch as soon as possible. But I get overwhelmed with errands, options, and big, rare expenditures. I mean, we don't buy couches very often... What was I going to get? Where was I going to shop? What did I want in a couch?

I also knew I didn't want to spend a lot of time shopping for a couch. We went to a couple of stores last Saturday, and I figured out what I wanted pretty quickly. We slept on the idea overnight and went back the next day to buy what we wanted. 

I'm giddy. I'm so damn happy. I'm no longer shopping for a couch or waiting for a couch to be delivered. It's here. I'm sitting on my couch right now. It's comfy. It reclines. It's not heavy. And they had two of the exact same couches on the showroom floor, so we got ours for 50% off. Did I mention that I'm happy?

The new place still needs some decorating. And unpacking. Not sure how much unpacking and decorating I'm going to do, but I'll do enough so it feels like home. Some things on the walls and maybe some rugs. 

I'm not decorated for Xmas this year. I'm not going to decorate at all. We've got some ornaments to unwrap on Xmas Day, but we won't hang them until next year. I'm fine with this. Every year is different and this is how this year is. I'm just glad the move is behind us. I'll figure out my new city and new routines over time.

Happy Winter Solstice if you're on this part of the planet! 

It's been short days and dark nights for awhile, but the light is coming.

You can see a Xmas quilt on the new couch. That's the one decoration we have this year lol.
Home.

The picture above was found on a blog post of this website: Danna Bananas.
I don't know this blog (but it looks like she sells funny gifts); I just really like the Winter Solstice. 

It feels like such a special day.

5,000 miles

After my big move, I went on a big trip. I traveled internationally, about 5,000 miles. It was planned last year, long before I knew I was going to be moving. It was a special (and non-refundable) trip with my mom and sisters.

I'll be honest. It wasn't ideal timing for me. It was challenging to plan for a trip so close to moving. I decided to pack for the trip first. I loaded my suitcase with clothes and necessities. Then I finished packing up my house. 

By the time I was on my trip, that suitcase had been packed for a month. I had no idea what I'd packed. It was fine though. I remembered to pack a coat. And enough socks. And books to read.

The trip was great. I had a lot of anxiety leading up to it, but I figured I'd be fine once I was on the trip and couldn't do anything about anything. A true break from everything for two weeks, even if it wasn't exactly the best timing. But I did it, and thankfully that was the case--I was fine once I was on the trip. I had a great time, ate good food, and enjoyed the scenery.

It was a once in a lifetime experience. I don't usually take big trips like that. It was special.

But I've got to tell you the best part... I got to meet up with Elaine!

There were a couple days when I was somewhat close to her. She happened to be available and willing to travel to see me. I didn't have any set plans on Saturday and we were was able to meet up. It was so wonderful!!

We have been pen pals for years. We have even taken part in small group virtual meetups together. But it was the first time we had met in real life. And it was just like seeing an old friend. Because it was.

And after a stressful move (aren't they all stressful) and an international trip, Elaine was my lighthouse. Meeting her felt instantly familiar. She was so calm. Our lengthy conversation was so varied and interesting. Spending time with Elaine was the break in the storm that I so greatly loved and appreciated.

Connection is important. Feeling understood and striving to understand others is invaluable. It's like I've told so many patients over the years, "We don't heal in a vacuum." We need each other.

Elaine met me at my hotel. We planned to walk until we found a quiet place where we could eat a snack or even have dinner. We found this casual but elegant spot pretty quickly.

We started with hot tea. I got peppermint with honey.

Then we had salad. I had been eating heavy food for a week and craved something crisp and fresh. This salad was incredible! It had Lamb's lettuce, chicory, braised Hokkaido pumpkin, wasabi mayonnaise, hardboiled egg, chives, caramelized walnuts, and ricotta-fig dressing.

Other food I had while traveling included raclette on baguette and a fondue dinner.

This picture shows the server using a knife to scrape the melted top of the bottom half of the raclette cheese wheel. This melted cheese was immediately spread onto a baguette and topped with onion, pepper, and paprika.

I present the amazing creation that is raclette on baguette. 

Another time I got a baguette filled with fondue cheese. I wondered how I was going to eat it all. Then I ate it all. It was not a problem haha. :)

One night we had a fondue dinner. I was surprised there was no meat. I don't know why. I often eat a meal of just vegetables and/or starches and cheese. But I was surprised. We ate the fondue cheese with bread, potatoes, pickles, and pearl onions. Well, I think they were pearl onions.

There were many more meals. There were so many sights to see. I was so happy that my mom, sisters, and I were all healthy and able to take this trip together. And they were excited for me that I got to see a friend on the trip. 

I'm back home now. Well, my new home. It doesn't feel like home yet. I just started living here. But I like it. And it will be my home, at least for the next 11 months. I bought a couch today. Home is where the couch is, right? 

Quite honestly, I'm looking forward to what people call the grind. I look forward to going to work and coming home. I look forward to having routines. I look forward to working hard and paying my bills. I've always done that, but now I'm looking forward to it. I like my job a lot.

But right before this next chapter of my life starts, I got to take an awesome trip. I got to spend time with my mom and sisters. And I got to meet up with Elaine!!

Amazing. I didn't see any of that coming when I was deep in grief ten years ago.

Nine Years Blogging

Nine years and five days ago I took the plunge and published my first blog post. I had been thinking about blogging for awhile and decided to do it. I was extremely lonely and looking for connection. I hope what I have shared here has helped someone, but I think that what I have received here is exponentially more than what I've given.

Thank you.

I used to be in constant pain. I used to be ashamed and embarrassed. I used to be very angry.

I am no longer in pain. I am no longer ashamed and embarrassed.
I am still angry but it's about other things, not infertility.

This is my life. This is how it's come to be. This is what I've done with the time that was left after my lifelong dream and primal desire went unrealized.

Honestly, I give myself a shit ton of credit. I am very proud of myself.
But I also could not have done it alone.

Thank you.

Once again, I am in the midst of massive changes. I am going through it and will write about it once I get to the other side. All is well; I am just very stressed. But now I can remind myself that I've already been through the worst. What is stress after enduring life-altering trauma?? I got this.

And so do you.

Feel free to read all of my other blogging anniversary posts if you want. They cover a lot. This year's post will be short. We all need to conserve our precious energy. Life isn't easy for anyone.

But we all know how to navigate darkness. We all know how to live life after loss. 

Maybe I will blog for another year and close it down on my 10th blogging anniversary.

Maybe I will blog forever.

💜

Do something kind for yourself today. You deserve it.

Picture retrieved from a party supply store here

Just Feeling Good and Living My Life

I don't have any saved drafts for this blog. For each post I just open up a new post and start writing. I read over it a couple of times and then hit publish. So every post catches my thoughts as they come.

Lately, I've been noticing how involuntary childlessness has been integrated in my life. It's a formative part of my identity, but it is not the entirety of my being. Things that used to hurt deeply only sting now. Things that used to sting don't always even register anymore. I can't tell you how nice it is to be on this side of things. I know I'm not going to have children and I've changed my entire life from what it looked like when I thought I was going to have kids. Every single thing I've done was hard, but it all helped.

I love my life. In fact, this is my most favorite age yet. I'm 45 and I've been so damn reflective that it's almost starting to get on my nerves haha. I've read several good books about boundaries over the last couple of years. I've observed my lifelong behavioral patterns and relationships. I've thought about how I want to be and what kind of relationships I want to be in. I've given myself and my loved ones a shitload of grace as I did the behind-the-scenes work that I desperately needed to do as an extremely sensitive person in order to live and enjoy the rest of my life. Everything has changed. Every single thing. 

My home. My jobs. My relationships.

And it's awesome.

And it was so, so hard.

But it all supports who I am now and what my life is like now. 

I made a new friend. She's so cool! She's my age and funny and smart and awesome and... pregnant. I am not kidding. But guess what. We see each other almost every week. I don't want to be pregnant anymore, but she does. I can acknowledge the fears and worries she may have while everyone else around her is celebrating. I can also give her "a break" from her pregnancy because we actually don't talk about it. Hahaha. Maybe that's a nice break for her. 

But who would have thought I'd have a new friend at 45 who is also 45 who is pregnant?

Unexpected. (No pun intended but I'm leaving it in there, ha!)

Oh yeah... I also got another part-time job! It's working with kids. Haha. Yes, after I wrote that recent post about not working with kids (full-time), I interviewed for the position I mentioned and it honestly sounds like a perfect fit. I am so excited. It feels good to be excited. The job pays well and I'll be able to use my experience and expertise to support kids and their teachers. It's a low-tech school where they still teach phonics. (Both things were requirements for me to work there... I mean why try to work with kids in an environment where they are always on screens? That wouldn't work for me. It's essential to know yourself.)

I am so excited.

Do you know how good it feels to be excited about things?

I went to a quilt guild meeting last week. There was a woman there who showed eight different quilts during show and tell. She and I were talking during the break. She was in an accident several years ago that changed everything. She is not able to work full-time and will deal with the repercussions of the accident for the rest of her life. But she discovered quilting and is able to quilt in short bursts at a time. Like me, she is so excited to be excited about something again.

Enthusiasm is priceless.

So as I reflect on the first 45 years of my life and think about how transformative last year alone was, I think about how I want the second half of my life to be. Obviously, I can't control what happens, but I can somewhat manage how I interpret and experience whatever happens. I've realized that I've encountered a lot of abuse in my life and, while that is not my fault, I can now realize how I can be a part of some situations while excusing myself from others so that I don't deal with abuse anymore.

It feels good to look forward knowing that I'm taking all that I've learned with me. It feels good when things that used to bother me (related to childlessness or not) don't bother me anymore. It feels good to get a new job doing what I used to do and feel so excited about it.

I knew I wouldn't be in a dark hole forever and I'm so glad that's true.

A light in the dark. 

Pic retrieved from Wikipedia.

Abundance

I did not mean to disappear on you, but I got extremely busy and could barely keep my head above water. But! As of today, I am no longer busy. I followed through with all of my commitments and meetings, and now I am done. I feel tired and proud. I will spend the next five weeks doing as little as possible: going to work, cleaning my house, and doing what I want. :)

My house is a wreck. I think back to the last time when I felt like my house wasn't a wreck. It was during a very sad, cold time in my life when I was married but lonely and trying to conceive. My house was clean because I never cooked or created any art. I was barely alive so I didn't make much of a mess. Everything had a place and was in its place because I didn't use anything. 

So the upside of having my house be a wreck is that my life is full and active. I might need to desperately sweep my living room and throw the quilts in the washer, but even while messy, my LIVING room (all caps to emphasize that I am truly living again) feels so warm and cozy. I love it.

Not being able to raise the children I had planned for my whole life upended my entire existence. I created a whole new life that I want to live, but I'm still dealing with the destruction caused by infertility. And one continued problem is I have too much stuff!! Books I'm never going to reference, clothes I'm never going to wear, mismatched pots and pans and kitchen items that don't stack neatly in the cabinets... From the outside looking in, I can be objective about it. I know it's all a grief response. I feel like I have a slight taste (like, 1%) of what dealing with a true hoarding problem might feel like. I'm holding on to so much because I've lost too much already.

And then I remember I used to have twice as much stuff. 

So I let myself feel proud of how far I've come and I give myself grace for where I currently am.

My mother's house is spotless. I would even say it's almost 100% dust free. She keeps a seriously clean house. But I cannot compare myself to her. One, we have different personalities. And two, while she's had her own incredibly difficult periods in her life, the last 15 years have not been one of them. It's much easier to function when you're not in the midst of grief and trauma.

So here I am. At the finish line of a truly challenging calendar year.
Which followed an incredibly harrowing 12 years. 

I am off of work for a whole week, and I am giddy. I don't know what I'm going to do, but it will probably involve sleeping, sewing, and cleaning my house. 

I am so grateful.

Picture above found at What is a cornucopia?

I am thankful for so much: 

a safe and stable place to live, good food to eat, 

hobbies I enjoy, and loved ones to share life with. 

Wishing you warmth, peace, and contentment this holiday season.

Love, Phoenix

Finally Resting

I am getting so excited. I get to share my research about involuntary childlessness later this month. I'm nervous too, but mostly excited. If just one person stops by my poster to ask about my research, I will be so happy. My presentation handout has been submitted, and I have my poster printed and ready to go. One of my professors recommended getting a fabric poster, and I'm so glad she did. It will be easier to carry on the plane. I'll share next month how it goes!

That's pretty much all that is on my mind. 

Other than that, I'll be honest, I am enjoying living alone so far. It gives me the space for the rest that I desperately need. I'm going to work, paying the bills, doing the dishes and laundry, cooking a little bit, eating delicious leftovers, and doing something social every week. I will figure out how to add housecleaning and exercising to my routine as well.

Other than that, I am resting. 

Radically resting. 

Profoundly resting. 

When my last round of IVF did not result in pregnancy, I felt an extreme urgency to figure something else out for my life. I had planned on being a mother for 35 years, but then I had to completely switch gears, think of something else, and make it happen. And I felt this strange urge to start THEN. Not wait until I felt better. Not wait a minute longer. 

And I never stopped. I just kept going. 

And now I am resting. I'm equally tired and grateful. I have my home. I get along with my family and see them several times a year. I like where I live and what I do for work. I've got hobbies and interests. I've even made some new friends over the last year. I'm part of a professional association and a monthly social group. And I'm not making any more commitments than that. 

My life is so full. 

But for so long, my life felt so empty...
It began with empty arms and spread to my very existence.

I am glad to be on this side of things now. Eternally grateful.
There is always the other side to things... Keep moving through it.

And be sure to rest.

For me, resting looks like this: giving myself permission to do less, making warm tasty food at home, taking baths, taking naps, sewing, reading a book or magazine, looking out the window, taking slow deep breaths, relaxing my shoulders, and telling myself that I'm proud of myself. 

How do you rest?

Make It Meaningful for You

I cooked canned biscuits and boxed cornbread last week, cubed it all, and left it in a bowl covered with a kitchen towel to dry out all week. That's when I knew Thanksgiving was coming.

Yesterday I baked a cherry pie and two pumpkin pies. I also made the dressing (with the dried biscuits and cornbread) and sweet potato casserole ahead of time.

Today I made mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, macaroni and cheese, and cranberry sauce. I warmed up the ham and some rolls in the oven. 

My boyfriend made the gravy. He was going to smoke the turkey but started feeling sick last night and woke up feeling worse this morning. So we'll have the turkey later in the week. He usually makes the mashed potatoes too, but I did pretty well especially since I've been out of practice the last several years.

Other than sleeping, I was in the kitchen for almost 24 hours and I loved it. I love cooking and then eating the Thanksgiving meal. I love being thankful. I love drawing hand turkeys, which admittedly, I forgot to do this year. I love eating leftovers. I love being home.

Thanksgiving doesn't have anything to do with anything I'm missing. 

Thanksgiving is about celebrating what I have.

The holidays used to hurt so bad. From Halloween to, hell, Valentine's Day, everything reminded me of what I was missing: my children, raising them, being a mother, having my own little family. 

But it's not like that anymore. Not everything all of the time. Some things still hurt, but a lot of things don't. And Thanksgiving is a day where I cook and eat and think about all of the little things and all of the big things that I'm thankful for. 

I don't travel for Thanksgiving. I don't remember the last time I traveled for Thanksgiving. I'm always at home. So, it's never a big celebration with a lot of people for me. But I still enjoy it. 

I guess it's a holiday I've reclaimed just for myself.

The graphic above was created by one of my favorite artists and can be found here.

Not Building, Just Living

I can rest now. I'm not trying to get anywhere or become anything. 

I am no longer building, no longer creating a life I want to live.

I'm just living it.

I've said it a million times, but it's still true. I am very, very tired. And very, very thankful. I am grateful I got out of where I was and got to where I am (both geographically and emotionally).

I just felt such a sense of urgency many years ago. I knew I had to grieve, but I also knew I had to start working on changing my life. I knew I couldn't go on "living" the way I was.

And that brings us to today.

I don't have kids, and now I don't want kids. I wanted kids. Very badly. But that didn't happen for me. I gave my all to trying to conceive. I didn't know it would leave me with nothing, preventing me from pursuing adoption at the time. I was always completely open to the idea of open adoption. I worked for an adoption and foster care agency for several years. I got great training and felt like I knew what was up. 

But I didn't know the debilitating pain of infertility.

It paralyzes you and destroys you but leaves you alive.

So, yeah...

It was quite the devastation to my life. And I couldn't do anything about it.

But I couldn't do nothing either.

Which brings us back to today again.

So much is over. The last month, the last ten years. So much is done. You'd think I would've rested today. But instead I moved some storage tubs into my storage closet. It's a part of my healing. The decluttering of my home.

But overall, I'm gonna rest by doing less. I'll still go to work. And I'm getting back into my research. Plus, I've got several quilts in progress. But those are all things I chose to do. In this life I created.

Image (pennant banner for sale) found here. 

(Re)Connections/Seeing Old Friends

I was extremely lonely during my years of trying to conceive and undergoing fertility treatments.

Well, first, let me back up real quick. I missed my blogoversary last month. I started this blog in October 2016, a year and a half after my last failed IVF. I was deep in grief and back in school for the first time in a decade. And now it is November 2023, seven years later... 

The whole passing-of-time thing never ceases to amaze me.

Speaking of time, I went and visited longtime friends last week. I have written about all of them here over the years. I have known each person for ten to twenty-five years, but I hadn't seen anyone in at least five and a half. I am so grateful that I got to see these women from different periods of my life. I am thankful for every lunch, dinner, and late night I got to have. (I think the key to seeing everyone was having the idea months ago, texting people, and getting on their calendar at least three months in advance.) 

Three of the friends I saw have kids. Three other friends don't. One older friend has grown children and grandchildren. One friend couldn't go when a small group of us were getting together because of her kid's sports games. But, she made lunch reservations for us downtown during her lunch hour during the week, and I had the greatest one-on-one time with her.

It was interesting being on this side of things, eight years after I stopped fertility treatments. It was very different. Because I wasn't living in a place of longing for things to be different, I wasn't sad or even anxious. I was able to just be happy and present with the people I love. 

It was a trip I had been looking forward to, and I had a lot of fun. I hadn't been back to where I used to live for five years. Then it was great to come home. To where and with whom I live now.

It's the fall, and a lot is behind me. Graduation, pediatric coverage, my two trips. And also, I realize, I no longer feel the acute grief of involuntary childlessness. The lifelong loss is still there, but it doesn't constantly hurt now.

I think we've all learned a lot in 2023, whether we realize it or not. 

I can't put it into words... I can't put words to much of what we've all experienced in the last several years. But I know I'm proud of everyone. Kids or no kids. I think there are a lot of moving parts to life, and it is challenging to stay on top of it all. 

So, if you want, (re)connect with friends when and where you can. 

I sent one of my best friends from college a text a couple of years ago. We had been out of touch for many years, and it turns out she didn't have my new number or my correct email address. I stayed with her at the end of the week.

Three of my other friends that I saw have been my friends since we were teenagers, but it was really hard for me when they got pregnant and grew their families while I was wanting to do that too. Our lives took different paths. We understandably didn't see each other as much, but we still cared and always had each other's numbers.

Another couple of friends are women that just didn't have kids. One is married. I stayed with her at the beginning of the week. One is divorced. Both of their not having kids were for all different reasons and factors and whatnot.

We are not in contact all of the time, but we are in contact overall. I love my friends so much. Incredibly, everyone is happy and healthy right now. So we all got to celebrate that.

I'm grateful infertility didn't ultimately take all of these important connections from me. 

You know I love quilts. And I love gratitude too.
And it's November. So I thought the picture above was cute.
(It's a quilt pattern that you can find here.)

Toast & Gratitude

I've got two different thoughts on my mind this afternoon.

*****

The first one is burnout. I am burnt like toast. I can barely manage my life right now. Last weekend I felt genuine pride for doing the dishes and laundry. This pediatrics coverage is killing me. It is very demanding and the pay is not good. Oh well. Only one more week to go!

Burnout is different from depression, although burnout can lead to depression. Burnout is also different from grief, although grief can also lead to depression. Combine all three (burnout, grief, and depression) and, whoa, it's a lot to manage. It's too much to manage. It's not sustainable.

I know I'm not the only one feeling this way. Infertility sucked. Involuntary childlessness sucks. The pandemic sucked. Inflation sucks. Climate change sucks. Suck, suck, suck. It all literally sucks your energy.

But the sun sets and the sun rises again. I employ my strategies. I decrease the demands I put on myself, and I cultivate appreciation for all the things. Big things like food and housing. Little things like hobbies and laughter. Well, really, the little things are big things too.

So yeah, I am burned out. And I do blame this pediatrics coverage. It's like I told another blogger over email earlier this week: kids are different these days. Parents are different. Most importantly, *I* am different. And I just can't do it anymore.

There's nothing in it for me. I don't have to work around a school schedule so I don't want to. Other people don't care if their kids can't read or write, so I can't afford to care either. I am not motivated to learn more or grow in this area, so I'm not interested in being a placeholder. I feel ineffective and disinterested, and that's not good for my mental health. (Although if I was interested in learning more, I'd delve into the research about screen time and neurocognition. There are some major things going on among iPads, You Tube, and smart watches and creativity, attention span, and executive functioning. Major.)

So yeah, burnout. I know I'm not the only one. And it's not exclusive to being in the wrong job. There are a lot of factors affecting us in 2023... But keep holding on! Life is still worth living. I truly believe that. Even when we're tired.

*****

The second thought is this: I am sooo glad I moved.

Are you thinking about moving? Do you need a change? Do it. Do it, do it, do it. 

Go where you want to go. Go where you want to be. 

I would be so depressed if I still lived where I lived for 25 years.

However, I am extremely excited about my trip to go visit in a couple of months. I already have it all planned out, and it's because of this pediatrics coverage that I can afford to go. So there's that to be thankful for.

But I reached out to a lot of friends last month to get on their calendar. I haven't seen anyone in 5.5 years, and I was hoping, with over 3 months notice, to be able to see as many as possible. So far, so good! I've got several dinners scheduled and a couple of events planned.

However, I might not get to see one of my best friends from high school. She works during the week (completely understandable), and then her kids have sports games on the weekends (also completely understandable). I wish she could skip one afternoon of games to meet up with me, but I don't know if I'd skip a game if I was in her shoes. So, I don't fault her for her schedule. That's what her life is right now. But... 

I am sooo glad I moved!!! If I hadn't moved, I would still be living my life according to everyone else's routines and schedules. Talk about a recipe for depression.

Now I am living MY life. It is structured around my needs, desires, routines, and schedule, which are inevitably different from all of my friends who are parenting. That's just the way it is.

So. There ya have it.

I am so grateful to be living a life I want to live. Even if I am temporarily burned out.

Peer Support

Most of the time these days I am at peace with being childless not by choice. Except lately I haven't been. I don't know why. Logically, I can appreciate the life I've created for myself. I can remind myself that my kids would grow up. I can tell myself that everything has its challenges. Just like being childless not by choice is hard, parenting isn't easy either.

But there is logic, and then there are feelings. The two don't always align.

I guess it's all a part of my process, a part of my grief. Sometimes I just feel sad for what I've lost.

And that's okay.

That's why I'm glad I have this blog. I have found a community that understands me even when I don't understand myself. I've formed online friendships with other women that support me when I'm feeling up and when I'm feeling down.

The power of peer support is immeasurable.

I've been reading what people have written for World Childless Week this year. It has been really helpful. It happened to occur at a time when I inexplicably needed it. I appreciate everyone's honesty in their writing and bravery for contributing.

Thank you to our community. 💙

Tired & Grateful

Pure exhaustion. That's what I'm feeling. As many times as I have written here about how tired I am, I have reached a new level of fatigue.

Enduring infertility completely wipes you out. It robs you of everything.

And then if you want to change your life after infertility, you have to do it while you are initially in an energy deficit. The good news is that the changes you make can lead to renewed energy. But that takes time. It doesn't happen overnight.

So. Please allow me to repeat my list. Infertility, failed treatments, going back to school, moving out of state, getting divorced, finishing school, moving to a new town, starting a new job, starting another new job, pandemic hits, moving to another new town, starting another new job, quitting that job due to lack of pandemic precautions, navigating unemployment, starting another new job, buying a house and moving again (last move!), quitting that hostile job, giving myself a sabbatical, going back to school again, moving out of my storage unit, getting two new jobs, conducting CNBC research, and graduating again.

Yep.
I'm tired.
Changing your entire life is exhausting.

And absolutely worth it.

And today is Sunday, my only day off in a 10-day work period with a 2-hour roundtrip commute. I am spending the day reading in bed. And blogging. And more reading. And eating snacks. The awesome thing is this is the first day I'm off work AND out of school, which means I do not have any homework to do!!!

There's so much to be thankful for. My home, my jobs, my education, my health. Ski season is less than 100 days away, and that is what I live for. (You'd think with the way that I talk that I am some expert skier. I am not, hahaha. I just love to ski. I'm a solid intermediate skier.) 

Also, that quilting sew along starts next month, and I am pretty excited about that too. The two guys that organized it have created a whole online community so we can post our thoughts, questions, and pictures; watch tutorials; be a part of product giveaways; and just all around connect with people around the world who are sewing this Alice in Wonderland quilt top for the next nine months. Although the quilt kits are sold out, you can still buy your own fabric and register for the online quilt community if this sounds like something you want to do. 

I'm thinking about what jobs I want to apply for now that I am graduated. I love my current jobs but they are only PRN, which means they call me when they need me. It's covering the bills for now (both places have needed me more than they anticipated), but I kind of want more steady employment. Or maybe I will wait until 2024. My boyfriend is telling me to just take some time to rest before jumping into the next thing. I think I should take his advice.

So that's where I am. Pausing in the middle of the road of my life after a very, very long and arduous 12-year period. I feel so dang 1) proud of myself and 2) grateful for you. I know I would not be where I am today without this blog and my readers. Thank you.

💜

I'll leave you (for now, but not for long!) with a story from work this week.

I walked into a patient's room a couple of days ago. She was there while recovering from surgery. She was an older woman with a diagnosis of dementia. Once I met her, I realized how progressed her dementia was. She was very sweet but not able to communicate much verbally. For example, I tried to keep my language simple, but she answered every question with "yes." 

I noticed her patient chart did not mention anything about children. I was thinking about her need for care as her dementia continued to progress and asked if she had any kids. That was the first time she said "no." I told her, "I don't either." And just like with previous patients I have told you about, she immediately made eye contact with me with a knowing look in her eyes. 

I continued, "And I can't have them, so I won't be having any." And she looked at me and said her first complete sentence. She said, "And that's how that will be." I agreed and said, "Yes. That's how that will be." And we just looked at each other and smiled. It was a really powerful moment. I felt like, amidst her dementia-related confusion, she got to experience a moment of clarity right then. I felt like we really connected. 

It was an incredible moment that only women like us can understand.

Wrapping Up School

My 16-month marathon is coming to a close. I am so tired, so grateful, so excited, and so humbled. I still have so much to learn. But, the last 16 months have been one of the greatest investments of my time, energy, and money. 

Not only did I expand my skill set so now I know how to treat older and elderly adults in addition to children, but I got to conduct my own qualitative pilot study to explore the lived experience of involuntary childlessness after infertility! I am so grateful. Conducting actual research is a dream come true. Conducting research to represent our population in the academic literature is an honor that I took very seriously.

I am extremely grateful to the study participants that volunteered to be interviewed. I appreciate their willingness to talk about the worst experience of their life with me. I appreciate the trust they put in me, and I was very thoughtful throughout every step of the process: designing the study and collecting, managing, and analyzing the data.

I present my initial findings to my classmates and professors on Tuesday!

I conducted 15 interviews with women from 8 different countries. I analyzed the first 6 interview transcripts for my final project and will analyze the other 9 interviews throughout the rest of 2023. Then I will draft an article for publication in the winter of 2024. Afterward, I plan to present my findings at several conferences throughout the country. 

I am excited, and I could not have done this without you and your support. We are a growing population, we will be represented, and our collective voices will be heard!

Thank you.

💜

Enthusiasm on Fire

There was no singular event where I realized I was not going to have kids. 

It was a series of devastating moments. When it didn't happen immediately (like, within the first three months), I felt catastrophic. Then when my AMH was tested at the seven month mark (I think it was then, I can honestly say a lot of details are fuzzy now) and found to be *barely* detectable, I felt destined for the worst. But I went on anyway. Kept trying, went to the doctor, sent my husband to the doctor, underwent three medicated IUIs (with injectibles!!! Aaaahhhh!!!), and then IVF (Oh gawd!!!!). Twice. Then I took some time to process. Then the adoption agency I picked out, after conducting extensive research, filed for bankruptcy overnight. (Really. It's horrifying. Trauma on top of trauma for everyone involved.)

And then I couldn't do it anymore. I knew I tried all I could. I felt lucky to be able to try in the first place. To have a partner. To have a home for children. To be able to try medical intervention. I felt guilty for feeling so sad and empty when I logically knew that I had so much.

And I wanted to die.

That's the honest truth that people don't talk about very much. You also have to be careful where you express such things because involuntary holds are a real thing. (Sometimes that is what people need but definitely not always.)

I racked my brain to find a reason to stay alive. Well, first, I guess I chose to stay alive. Just out of practicality. I feel like I was lucky to get to go to college, so I should help others where I can with the skills that I have. Not doing that would be a waste of resources.

But I didn't think I'd ever feel happy again. 

I definitely didn't think I'd EVER feel excited.

That's a looong intro just to say that I *am* excited again. I realized last night that I was so excited I couldn't fall asleep. I just kept thinking about everything. In the best, most non-ruminatory way. I'm excited about my research and the rest of my coursework. It's hard and demanding, but I like it. I'm excited about my job. It challenges me and it's exhausting, but it's awesome. And most recently? I just found this new quilt community online. You get a mystery block once a month that you sew at home with helpful videos and online community support. Then at the end of the year you have a quilt top. I signed up. It starts in September. After graduation. I'm so excited!

I was very depressed as a child and teenager, but I held on. Then my thirties were pretty damn devastating, but I just kept moving away from things that sucked and toward things that didn't.

But after infertility and losing my children and dreams of motherhood, I thought I'd never feel happiness again. I was resigned to staying alive and doing what I could, but I didn't think I'd ever feel enthusiasm. 

But I was wrong. And I do. 

I will never take enthusiasm for granted.

The block-of-the-month quilt kit has an Alice in Wonderland theme. I feel like it's above my skill level, but I'm going to figure it out anyway. https://arteastquiltingco.com/online-shop/ols/products/new-sew-along-registration---september-2023

Spiraling

I'm not spiraling mentally or emotionally, thank goodness, but I am thoroughly involved in the spiraling process that is qualitative data analysis. 

I love qualitative research. Instead of using numbers to describe things, qualitative research uses words (i.e., narrative data). Qualitative research can describe the experience of an individual or group. It is very different from quantitative research, but there are ways of ensuring the rigor and accuracy of qualitative studies. I believe qualitative research can build a great foundation for future quantitative research in evaluating the effectiveness of treatments and programs.

I am grateful for this opportunity to interview women around the world to study being childless not-by-choice. I appreciate the support from my school and the guidance from my reviewers. I especially appreciate the study participants for trusting me with their data.

So that's what I'm doing on a Saturday night. It's an honor to do this work. I love it.

Archival print by Debra Bucci found at https://aibgallery.com/product/spiraling-archival-print/

Roadside Help from an Angel

I've just returned from a whirlwind trip to help my parents move. I took two flights and rented a car for a three-hour drive to get there. (In case you're curious: I'm still masking on planes. Not many people are. But, thanks to infertility, it doesn't bother me like it used to to stand out as different.)

The thing about moving is there is always more stuff than you realize. Always. There is always more. My mom kept saying the closets were giving birth. Fertile metaphor aside, I was starting to feel like she was right. Haha.

Anyway, it was hard work, but it was good. I got to spend time with my parents and my oldest sister. I got to see my parents' home of twenty years for the last time. We ate food, shared laughs, and conquered the overwhelming task at hand. 

It was my drive home that turned into a real adventure.

There I am, driving this rental SUV that is packed to the brim. Some of it is my stuff, and some of it is my parents' stuff that I am going to store. It's a full day's drive, but I upgraded my rental package so I could listen to Tom Petty Radio for the whole time. :) 

I'm on a skinny, curvy one-lane road on the side of the mountain. I'm enjoying the beautiful view, driving slowly, and scanning the road for wildlife. I take a turn and BAM! In the middle of the road is a large rock. To the right of me is the mountain. To the left of me is an oncoming car. There is also a car right behind me, so I don't want to slam on the brakes. Plus, there isn't enough time. I have nowhere to go and maybe 2 seconds to decide what to do.

I decide the rock is the least damaging option. I hope for the best and keep driving. 

Immediately, there's a loud sound and the tire light comes on. I know I have to get off of the road. But where? Fortunately, around the next turn there is a gravel area where I can pull off and park. 

I pause for a second and take some deep breaths. I'm thankful I didn't wreck. I'm thankful I'm not hurt. I'm also worried about how roadside assistance is going to find me and help me. Thankfully, my cell phone has a signal. I start making phone calls. I also unpack the car a third of the way to see if there is a spare tire in the back. Thankfully, there is.

As I am on the phone with roadside assistance, a pickup truck drives by, slows down, and goes into reverse. I think to myself, "This person is either going to help me or hurt me." I stay on the phone while the man rolls down his window and asks what is going on. I do not have a single bad feeling in my body, so I tell roadside assistance that a Good Samaritan has stopped to help me and I hang up.

This man. Bless this man. This total stranger stopped on the side of the mountain to help me. I explained that I hit a rock and popped my tire. He asked if I had a spare, and I said yes. He asked if I knew how to change it, and I said no. Then he parked his truck and proceeded to direct me to park on a firmer patch of ground so he could get started. Did I mention it's completely muddy?

I introduced myself. When he told me his name, it was the first time I got chills. His name was a name that is significant to me. 

Then, as he was teaching me how to change a tire (that's right, he didn't just do it, he also told me what he was doing each step of the way so I could learn), I could just picture him teaching his daughter when she was growing up. I asked him if he had children, and he said, "No, I wasn't blessed in that way." I got chills again.

I also blubbered, "I don't have kids either. I wanted them real bad, but that didn't work out for me." A few minutes later I added, "I'm sorry I asked if you had children. That question used to really hurt me, but it doesn't bother me like it used to anymore." He said, "Oh, it's all right. I understand that's how people make conversation."

The whole thing took less than an hour. But if he hadn't stopped... I would have been on the side of that mountain for awhile. I wasn't totally stranded, but I don't think roadside assistance was going to be there anytime soon. Did I mention it was a Sunday?

I told the older gentleman that I had some cash. He said he didn't need any cash. I grabbed several twenties anyway and said, "Please, at least have dinner on me." But he refused. He said, "You are a child of God. If we didn't stop and do something nice for someone every now and then, what is the point?"

I got chills for a third time.

Was he real? I shook his hand. He felt real to me. But the fact that he stopped on this curvy mountain road to change my tire for me. His name... His childlessness... His words to me...

He was my angel.

Liking Your Life is Possible

I love this post about liking her childless life by Sue on her Childless by Marriage blog.

I like my childless life too. And I never, ever thought that would be possible.

Yes, life has been stressful lately. But I still like it. I like the life I created for myself. Where I live, what I do for work, what I do for fun. 

I recently wrote that I was lonely, but that's not true. I am alone a lot... But I am not lonely. I realize there's a big difference. I had a birthday recently and heard from a couple of longtime friends. That felt good. I reflected on how I've grown over the last year and thought about what I'm looking forward to in the future. Big things. Small things. Lots of little things.

I'm pretty happy. Despite the stress, despite the depressive tendencies.
I'm content too. I am at peace.

I know I can get through anything. I always have.

But even more than that... I am actually living. Like, getting up and going to work/school, running errands, and maintaining a home. I've been doing it for awhile now. 

And I ENJOY it. I LIKE my life. 

It's a big deal, it's a hard-earned feat, and I am thankful.

My latest quilt top. 

I bought the fabric over three years ago when I started quilting but didn't use it until this past weekend. I had an idea and this wasn't it at all (hahaha), but I like how it turned out!