Saturday, February 22, 2020

Sharing My Feelings and My Quilts

I took a personal day this week. I needed it. I was low on resources and had a lot on my mind and, because of that combo, I was very emotional. I needed to rest. So I did. And I'm glad.

I couldn't stop my current stressors, but I could give myself a break for a day. The night before I texted my team, arranged for coverage for my classes, and fell asleep at 7:30pm.

I slept an entire 12 hours, waking up at 7:30am. Then I drank coffee and read online. I ate, sewed some, and watched a little tv. I didn't do much else. I was not productive. Despite having things that needed to get done, being productive is not what I needed the most.

I've had a tough week. There have been several different things that have inflamed my infertility-related sadness. I recognize them and they make sense and it's okay, but I still feel my sadness which is also okay and very much real. My sadness doesn't take away from my happiness. I have room for both. But, being low on resources, I needed a day that required nothing from me.

So I took it.

(If that's what you need, I highly recommend doing the same.)

I barely even sewed. I was that depleted. But I did enjoy sewing for a little bit. I've started a new project that I'm excited about. It will be my fifth quilt. I can barely believe it. I took my first quilting class just last spring. But I got it in my head to sew four "get 'em done" quilts, one for each season. So that's what I did. Without regard for perfection whatsoever. If I had stopped for every mistake I made while making my first four quilts, I'd still be working on the first one.

So, without much more introduction, here they are: my Summer, Fall, Winter, and Spring quilts.

Monday, February 17, 2020

It's Ongoing

Life is good, but it's been busy. I'm thankful I had a day off from both jobs today.

You know, honestly, I think I'm still sad several times a week about not having kids. A minute here, a moment there. Comments are made; normal experiences that I'll never have are shared. My thoughts and feelings come and go throughout the natural course of the day.

But my moments of sadness are not debilitating like they used to be. They no longer paralyze me or imprison me or completely drain me or rob me of all peace, joy, and contentedness.

However, I think it's still important that I'm aware of when and why I'm sad and to validate my feelings to myself. Because it's been several years, it can be easy to think everything infertility-related is in the past when it still very well shapes my present and my future.

The acute grief period has passed, but recovery is a lifelong thing. A process of healing and adjusting. It is for me anyway. And it's important that I stay open to seeing the various ways that not having kids makes my life very different from most other people I know in real life.

Because what I've survived is significant. And unrecognized. And ongoing.

Sunday, February 9, 2020

Social Media: Love It or Leave It?

Mel at the Stirrup Queens got me thinking about social media with her post, Twitter Famous.

I use twitter. I think it's good for niche interests. You can meet other hobby/sports enthusiasts and nerd out about your common interest.

I don't use fb or ig. I deleted both accounts this summer. I've enjoyed not having them. Fb made me feel weird, like it was a collection of people I used to know but didn't really keep in touch with anymore. And I never could get into ig. Too many selfies and filtered food pics. Even though I did follow some craft accounts that posted some cool art.

In general, I think I'm too private for those platforms. Then again, that doesn't make sense because I blog about the most traumatic thing I've gone through and how I'm coping and healing from it. So how private can I claim to be?

The blogging community saved my spirit. Maybe I could've saved myself on my own eventually, but I don't know... Reading other women's thoughts and experiences helped me understand my own alienation from society. Concepts like "disenfranchised grief" told me that I wasn't crazy during a time when it felt like everyone around me was telling me the opposite. So, overall, I am incredibly thankful for social media because it means the international blogging community of infertile women can connect with each other.

I haven't even jumped into the online quilting world yet. The more I learn about my new hobby, the more I learn how huge the community is. So I am sure there is a TON on the internet. All I've done so far is shop online for fabric and look up videos to learn how to do basic quilting skills.

There's a lot of bad about social media, but there's a lot of good too.

I'm glad I grew up without the internet. I'm glad I have the internet now.
It's the best of both worlds.

How about you? What are your social media preferences?

Monday, February 3, 2020

Glad to be Where I Am

I wrote the beginning of this post on Sunday:

It is important to rest. I've been working so hard and today I get to rest and I am so, so thankful.

It's early afternoon and I'm on the couch, watching some tv with an easy meal in the oven.

I'm so glad to be here.

Infertility is still a part of my life. I'm not trying to have kids, and I don't even want to start all of that at this point. But losing motherhood still influences my experiences and perceptions. And still, a few random things over the past several weeks have shown me how the passing of time has lessened its impact.


Now I'm finishing the post today. So back to those random things:

  • During one of my shifts at the hospital, I had a patient who had her husband and six-month old in the room and another patient whose wife was by his side and 34 weeks pregnant. In both cases, I smiled and was conversational on the related topics of their new/upcoming baby without a second thought. In fact, I didn't think much of it until the end of my shift when I reflected on the day and realized I'd had interactions that I wasn't capable of managing in the past.

  • Another work baby shower came up. I didn't go. I was fine, it was fine, everything was perfectly fine.

  • My closest friend from college and I don't talk often like we used to, but she recently texted me to say she is pregnant again and due soon. I felt happy for her and nothing bad for me.

I'm glad to be where I am. It required me to do a shitload of work though. It demanded a willingness to carry a very deep pain for a very long time. But the load has gotten lighter.