The Last Three Months of the Year

It's my favorite time of the year. I love October, November, and December. I love the decorations and festiveness that come with each month. I love the changing weather. I love the shorter days. I love apples, cider, leaves changing, pumpkins, hot chocolate, cozy quilts, celebrating gratitude, cranberries, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, putting ornaments on the tree, holiday lights, Santa, stockings, and snow. Please let there be snow.

I love the winding down. Every year I read about the "hustle and bustle" of the holidays, but I haven't experienced that in decades. That's not how I curate this time. I take what I enjoy from these three months and leave the rest. 

I try to do as much as possible during the first half of the year so I can do less for the last half.

And we are here! Happy October!! It's pumpkin time, it's spooky season, it's Libra, and then it's Scorpio. It's football season, which I don't particularly care about except I grew up in a sports household so it's part of the seasonal rhythm for me. (As an aside, I'm thinking about getting into hockey. And by that I mean, learn the basics and watch some games. I looked up the season. It just started. There are a lot of games.)

What does any of this have to do with infertility? Not much. And also, everything.

Ten years ago I wrote about Halloween being the hardest day of the year. Then three years ago I wrote about how it had changed. I love this time of year, but I had to reclaim it. I had to let go of how I thought I'd be celebrating these three months. You know, with kids. Instead it's just me. I don't live near family and my boyfriend is not particularly into holidays. 

But now I know what's important to me, and now that's what I do. I enjoy the parts I like.

I get excited when I start seeing pumpkins at stores at the end of September. I'll turn on the tv for background noise while football plays on the weekend. I love October, especially when there's a crispness in the air. I enjoy the ambience and decorations everywhere. I love to see people in costume during the day on Halloween. It's hilarious.

Then November comes and I just love it. For so many years now, I've been cooking the big meal. I'm getting to where I prefer a ham over a turkey, but I'm all about the sides. Lately it's just been me and my boyfriend. Sometimes it's us and his son. I love the idea of abundance, the practice of gratitude, and the ritual of leftovers and decorating the tree the next day.

Then I really savor December. It all goes faster every year. I don't even do much, but this year we are going to go see a performance of The Nutcracker. That'll be festive. And all of my Xmas movies are unpacked. I haven't watched those in a couple of years. And I'll have a couple of simple gifts for us to unwrap. And stockings stuffed with candy.

And then... 

It's the quietest week of the year. Between Xmas and New Year's, the world actually slows down. I don't have appointments. I don't travel. I take time off work and enjoy a staycation at home.

I love it. I love it so much.

And it all starts now.

Thankful, Tired, & Couldn't Have Done It Without You

I haven't sewn. I haven't cooked. I haven't exercised. All three of these activities are very important ways that I take care of myself. I can tell I haven't done them in weeks.

However, we can't do everything, and what I have done is move! Yayyy. Glad to have that done!

Movers came last Saturday and moved all of the boxes and what little furniture we have. I took the whole week off of work and did an amazing job of balancing rest and getting shit done. I managed one major errand/task a day AND a nap. :)

I'm not kidding when I say that I literally slept for half of my PTO (paid time off) week. I honestly slept 9 - 10 hours a night with a 2 - 3 hour nap every day. I was that tired. I am so thankful I was able to take a week off before my body gave out or I had a mental break. Seriously. We all push ourselves so much, but our physical and mental health should not be taken for granted. 

I thought about my friends with kids and how they can't take a week off. But then I also remembered that their lives have nothing to do with mine. I am living MY life, not theirs. And my life has been constant upheaval and reinvention for over a decade. It's been tiring and I'm allowed to rest.

It was a year ago today (Sunday 8/24/2025) that I realized I had to move. I was going to lose my affordable health insurance. My three jobs weren't covering my bills and I didn't have it in me to add in a fourth. I needed to get somewhere more viable for the rest of my life. 

I didn't want to look for (and start!) a new job, and I didn't want to deal with moving. I didn't want to do any of it. Just like IUIs and IVF. Just like going back to school for a new career. Just like getting divorced, moving a million times, and enduring a pandemic. 

I didn't want to do any of it. 

I did it anyway. 

And I'm calling this the finish line.

I did it. I'm done. I have arrived. It's time to stop and smell the roses.

I created a life I want to live.

Most importantly, I love myself. I love myself so much. I look back at myself in the past and have so much compassion for all of my anxiety, depression, insecurity, and suffering. I'm so much kinder to myself now.

I also love my partner, my new home, my job, my cats, and my hobbies. I love the little things. I love tasty meals and nourishing conversations. I love moments of peace, and I love contentment. 

Stress never ends. Problems never stop. I know that. 

But my most recent marathon is over. 

I have grieved and integrated my losses. I restructured my life. I created a place for myself without my children in this world where I always thought I'd be a mom. It was no small task. There's a reason it took me over a decade. Even after years of blogging honestly, I still can't seem to put the whole experience into words. I haven't yet accurately described how completely disorienting it is to be childless not-by-choice.

So I moved. And moved and moved and moved. I moved away from what I didn't want and moved toward what I did want. And I think it's pretty safe to say that I won't move again for awhile. Of course, anything can happen. But I'm here now. Professional state licensure, state driver's license, vehicle registration, and I bought a house. I'm in a city. If I lose my job, there are others.
I can live my life here.

Everyone keeps asking me if I'm unpacked and settled. It's only been a week.

In a way, my head is still spinning from the last ten years. I can barely process the last year alone.

So that's me. That's where I'm at. A tired pile of mush. Feeling overwhelmingly grateful. 

I get that nobody else in my life really understands what I'm feeling right now. It's a little lonely, but that's how it goes with infertility and involuntary childlessness. So thank you for reading this post and supporting me with your love, laughter, and commiseration all these years. 

We did it. We saved ourselves.

Pic found at https://www.vecteezy.com/free-photos/runner-finish-line

The Last Onesies

For the first time in over 20 years, I do not own a single onesie. It's the end of an era.

I always wanted to be a mom. I dreamed about it as a kid and planned for it my whole life. Once my (now ex-) husband I started dating, I started buying onesies. I figured I wouldn't want to buy the cute, expensive onesies once the baby was here and I needed actual diapers and stuff. I had quite a collection, and then I gave them all away. 

All except for six onesies I couldn't give away. I needed to place them in the right home. 

And then I met a very cool co-worker. And I knew she would appreciate the onesies. We had a work event last week. She's out on maternity leave, but she came and brought the baby. I brought the onesies and gave them to her. I was right. She loved them. But what I didn't know is that one of the band onesies was one of her favorite bands! That was an awesome surprise. So she and I both have one of the same favorite bands. And yes, she already sent me pics of her newborn swimming in this onesie for 6-month-olds. She's excited that it's so big on him so he can wear it longer hahaha.

Didn't that work out?

Also, at the work event (it was a casual lunch), there were 4 women standing in a circle. Me, my co-worker with her baby, and two other co-workers. My co-worker asked us if we wanted to hold the baby and... All three of us said no! Hahahaha. It cracked me up. That's the largest group of women I've been in where no one wanted to hold the baby. Hahahaha. And my co-worker is cool. She didn't mind or take it personally. She was just offering. I loved it.

No more onesies for me! I don't own any. I won't be buying any. I don't want to be pregnant, and I don't want a newborn. I don't want a toddler, and I don't want a kid. My own children would be preteens and teenagers by now and that would've been fine with me. But they're not coming in this lifetime so I am living a different life. A life without onesies.

I'm glad the last 15 years are behind me. So so soooo glad.
I'm grateful for this new chapter. Hell, it's more than a chapter.
I'm grateful for this new book in the series of my life. I kicked my own ass to create it.

Finally Doing Less

Today I went to work, did my job, and came home. That's it. No errands, no chores. My boyfriend made dinner. I sat on the couch with a kitty on my lap. It was great. I loved it.

I'm taking the time to recognize that I just had a day that I've wanted to have for a very long time.

I'm not recovering from burnout. I did that for a year. I'm not following through with a bunch of previous commitments I made. I got through all those. I'm not looking for a job. Luckily, I found one. I'm not moving. I did that already. I'm not creating a new department. I did that too. 

Now I get to go to work and come home and live my simple life. I'm giddy.

I'm finally doing less. Not running myself ragged. 

I've been feeling good about myself lately. I've always struggled with the never-ending household stuff. But I started doing my laundry on Sundays a couple of years ago, and now I find myself doing laundry, cleaning the kitchen, going to the grocery store, and cooking a meal (with planned leftovers) on Sundays. It started with one habit and grew. 

I'm doing less, but in other ways, I'm doing more. With ease.

Entering a New Season

I love it when my life is in sync with the seasons.  Winter is usually my favorite, but I am uncharacteristically looking forward to spring this year. Like winter changing to spring, I'm in a phase of life where a lot of major projects are ending. I'm curious what will fill the empty spaces.

Eventually.

I'm in no rush.

The move is winding down. It has been quite a process. But we've got our address changed on everything, and we only have one more trip back to the old place for a couple things. My boyfriend was there a couple of weeks ago to clean out the house. It will be on the market soon, and I am really excited to sell it. Most everything here is still in boxes, but we are functional and almost halfway through our lease already.

My new job is transitioning from one phase to another. The first phase has been a lot of work, and so will the second phase. But I'm looking forward to it. I think I'm going to prefer the second phase of things. Here's hoping! Lol.

Remember my research? I've been hard at work on that in the background of everything else. I've definitely hit my own saturation point, but that's understandable. I've been working on it for over three years. However, I am at the very end. I have one last presentation to give at another national conference, and I (finally!) finished an article draft to submit for publication. Hopefully, my draft will be returned to me for revisions and then accepted and published. Then it will be out there and on the books for others to reference and build on.

Lots of endings. All positive. All welcome.

I'm in no rush to fill the space. 

I promise.

I want to live my simple life. Eat, sleep, work, and sew. Continue improving my cooking, cleaning, and exercising efforts. Get outside a little since the weather is nicer. See some friends eventually.

This post doesn't even have anything to do with infertility. Not really. I mean, my research is about infertility, but nothing in this post is directly about infertility. 

It's like the rest of my life. Infertility is a part of it. My life is how it is because of infertility and what I did with that, but my life isn't totally and completely about infertility anymore. Infertility is no longer central. Now it's more foundational yet peripheral.

Maybe that's another thing that's ending. My 11th Survivor Anniversary is coming up later this month (when I quit infertility treatments) and the pain is no longer acute. It's no longer chronic. It's intermittent. There's a whole lot more space for other things now.

Lots of things ending. New things will begin.

Spring is in the air.

Credit: Getty Images

Relax

My wish for 2026 is stability and my goal is to relax.

Photo from Vecteezy

5,000 miles

After my big move, I went on a big trip. I traveled internationally, about 5,000 miles. It was planned last year, long before I knew I was going to be moving. It was a special (and non-refundable) trip with my mom and sisters.

I'll be honest. It wasn't ideal timing for me. It was challenging to plan for a trip so close to moving. I decided to pack for the trip first. I loaded my suitcase with clothes and necessities. Then I finished packing up my house. 

By the time I was on my trip, that suitcase had been packed for a month. I had no idea what I'd packed. It was fine though. I remembered to pack a coat. And enough socks. And books to read.

The trip was great. I had a lot of anxiety leading up to it, but I figured I'd be fine once I was on the trip and couldn't do anything about anything. A true break from everything for two weeks, even if it wasn't exactly the best timing. But I did it, and thankfully that was the case--I was fine once I was on the trip. I had a great time, ate good food, and enjoyed the scenery.

It was a once in a lifetime experience. I don't usually take big trips like that. It was special.

But I've got to tell you the best part... I got to meet up with Elaine!

There were a couple days when I was somewhat close to her. She happened to be available and willing to travel to see me. I didn't have any set plans on Saturday and we were was able to meet up. It was so wonderful!!

We have been pen pals for years. We have even taken part in small group virtual meetups together. But it was the first time we had met in real life. And it was just like seeing an old friend. Because it was.

And after a stressful move (aren't they all stressful) and an international trip, Elaine was my lighthouse. Meeting her felt instantly familiar. She was so calm. Our lengthy conversation was so varied and interesting. Spending time with Elaine was the break in the storm that I so greatly loved and appreciated.

Connection is important. Feeling understood and striving to understand others is invaluable. It's like I've told so many patients over the years, "We don't heal in a vacuum." We need each other.

Elaine met me at my hotel. We planned to walk until we found a quiet place where we could eat a snack or even have dinner. We found this casual but elegant spot pretty quickly.

We started with hot tea. I got peppermint with honey.

Then we had salad. I had been eating heavy food for a week and craved something crisp and fresh. This salad was incredible! It had Lamb's lettuce, chicory, braised Hokkaido pumpkin, wasabi mayonnaise, hardboiled egg, chives, caramelized walnuts, and ricotta-fig dressing.

Other food I had while traveling included raclette on baguette and a fondue dinner.

This picture shows the server using a knife to scrape the melted top of the bottom half of the raclette cheese wheel. This melted cheese was immediately spread onto a baguette and topped with onion, pepper, and paprika.

I present the amazing creation that is raclette on baguette. 

Another time I got a baguette filled with fondue cheese. I wondered how I was going to eat it all. Then I ate it all. It was not a problem haha. :)

One night we had a fondue dinner. I was surprised there was no meat. I don't know why. I often eat a meal of just vegetables and/or starches and cheese. But I was surprised. We ate the fondue cheese with bread, potatoes, pickles, and pearl onions. Well, I think they were pearl onions.

There were many more meals. There were so many sights to see. I was so happy that my mom, sisters, and I were all healthy and able to take this trip together. And they were excited for me that I got to see a friend on the trip. 

I'm back home now. Well, my new home. It doesn't feel like home yet. I just started living here. But I like it. And it will be my home, at least for the next 11 months. I bought a couch today. Home is where the couch is, right? 

Quite honestly, I'm looking forward to what people call the grind. I look forward to going to work and coming home. I look forward to having routines. I look forward to working hard and paying my bills. I've always done that, but now I'm looking forward to it. I like my job a lot.

But right before this next chapter of my life starts, I got to take an awesome trip. I got to spend time with my mom and sisters. And I got to meet up with Elaine!!

Amazing. I didn't see any of that coming when I was deep in grief ten years ago.

Love Yourself Through the Changes

This year has been very different. Last spring marked 10 years since my last round of IVF. So it has now been 10.5 years that I have known I won't be raising children in this lifetime. I've had time to grieve, process, and create a different life than the one I planned for 35 years.

Nine years ago I wrote about how Halloween was the hardest day of the year.

Then three years ago I passed out candy and enjoyed it.

Two years ago I wrote about taking care of yourself during the holiday season.

Then today, on Halloween, I texted several friends ASKING to see pictures of their costumed kids. I saw an Eeyore, a Paw Patrol member, a dragon slayer, a character from Inside Out, a unicorn, a cheerleader, a Minecraft cow, three skeletons, and two little monsters from Where the Wild Things Are. I loved every single picture. My friends live all over, so I haven't even met all of their kids, but I really enjoyed seeing all of their costumes. 

This day used to hurt me more than any other and now it doesn't. 

I used to avoid everyone's pictures and now I am requesting them. 

Things change. If you're willing to do the hard work of feeling your feelings and creating something new, it gets better. I've said it before and I'll say it again: you deserve to enjoy your life.

 

Art by SelfLoveRainbow

Making Baby Quilts

If you would have told me ten years ago that I would enjoy making baby quilts, I would not have believed you. Not in a million years. For one, I didn't even quilt back then. And two, there's no way I could have done that. Make something that takes a long time for someone else's baby?? No way.

And now I've made four.

They are cute, fun, and, considering how long a full-sized quilt takes to make, quick and easy.

You just sandwich two yards of fabric with some batting in between and quilt diagonal lines across. Then you attach the binding and sew it down. You're done! No piecing necessary. 

And even though it seems to make the new moms nervous, you can just throw these quilts in the washer and dryer. You don't do anything special to clean them. Quilts are meant to be used.

I finished this latest baby quilt last night. I look forward to my Saturday evenings. I've created the habit of watching an old movie while sewing. It's relaxing and I love it. I'll drink a couple of beers, eat some snacks, and stand at my machine or sit in my recliner and sew. What? You weren't expecting a couple of beers to be part of the equation? Hahaha.

This quilt is for my yoga teacher who is due in a month. She has reduced her class schedule immensely. How she is even still teaching I have no idea. Teaching yoga is a gift of service and requires a lot of energy. She is amazing. She even does most of the practice with us still, modifying a lot of the poses of course. And she is not a 25 year old. She will be an older mom, but not a first time mom. This will be her second.

I've witnessed her entire pregnancy. I knew her before she announced her pregnancy, but I suspected she was pregnant. I think I have some sort of pregnancy radar. I miss a lot of things in life, but I can usually guess when a woman is pregnant.

It wasn't hard for me. I don't want to be pregnant anymore. I divorced my husband, who I chose to be the father of my children. I changed careers from working with kids to working with older and elderly adults. I moved away from the city, my friends, and my family to pursue a different kind of life. It's been over ten years since I stopped trying to conceive; my life is radically different.

I am happy for my friend, and I enjoyed making a baby quilt for her. I'm excited to give it to her, especially since she has no idea I've been making it. 

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: miracles happen every day. I did not get my miracle baby in this lifetime, but my recovery and healing from all I've been through is definitely miraculous.

My boyfriend picked out the blue binding. I was going to use brown, but the blue looks so much better. He is really gifted with color and fabric. My boyfriend is my quilt muse lol. 

The front of the quilt has fabric based on the children's book Where The Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendak. A classic. The quotes include, "Inside all of us is hope, fear, and adventure," and "There are no ideas too wild."

The backing of the quilt is a furry, textured fabric called Minky. I love to use it for the backs of quilts. It's so soft and snuggly. (My corners aren't perfect, but neither is life!)

Nine Years Blogging

Nine years and five days ago I took the plunge and published my first blog post. I had been thinking about blogging for awhile and decided to do it. I was extremely lonely and looking for connection. I hope what I have shared here has helped someone, but I think that what I have received here is exponentially more than what I've given.

Thank you.

I used to be in constant pain. I used to be ashamed and embarrassed. I used to be very angry.

I am no longer in pain. I am no longer ashamed and embarrassed.
I am still angry but it's about other things, not infertility.

This is my life. This is how it's come to be. This is what I've done with the time that was left after my lifelong dream and primal desire went unrealized.

Honestly, I give myself a shit ton of credit. I am very proud of myself.
But I also could not have done it alone.

Thank you.

Once again, I am in the midst of massive changes. I am going through it and will write about it once I get to the other side. All is well; I am just very stressed. But now I can remind myself that I've already been through the worst. What is stress after enduring life-altering trauma?? I got this.

And so do you.

Feel free to read all of my other blogging anniversary posts if you want. They cover a lot. This year's post will be short. We all need to conserve our precious energy. Life isn't easy for anyone.

But we all know how to navigate darkness. We all know how to live life after loss. 

Maybe I will blog for another year and close it down on my 10th blogging anniversary.

Maybe I will blog forever.

💜

Do something kind for yourself today. You deserve it.

Picture retrieved from a party supply store here

Pregnancies Don't Bother Me Anymore

I was going to wait until October to write another post, but this thought hit me this morning and I thought maybe someone else needed to hear it. Other women's pregnancies don't bother me anymore. I used to avoid pregnant strangers in the grocery store. I used to avoid the diaper and baby food aisle. I used to avoid the baby clothes section. And now? I just don't care.

How freeing.

Earlier this week I was stuck behind some slow walkers at the store, so I cut through the middle section not even realizing it was the diaper aisle. When I noticed, I thought, "Oh wow, I used to avoid this aisle and now I don't even care."

And now one of my friends is pregnant. Very pregnant. I see her every week, sometimes a couple of times a week. She doesn't go on and on about her pregnancy, but normal updates make it into the conversation. I care about her, but I don't care about her pregnancy.

Wait. That sounds wrong lol. I care about her pregnancy in that I want it to be healthy and the least uncomfortable as possible. It's more accurate for me to say that her pregnancy doesn't bother me. It doesn't trigger longing. It doesn't make me sad. 

In fact, I don't even want to be pregnant anymore. I haven't wanted to be pregnant for several years now. I think part of it is hormones. I'm changing. I'm older. Being pregnant doesn't make sense for me anymore. But a big part of that change is because my life has grown in other areas to where the desire to raise children is no longer central to my existence. I have built my life up in other ways. It doesn't take away from my profound, life changing loss. But thankfully, I am not living from a place of acute grief and anguish anymore.

It's amazing how things change. It's miraculous really.

So I write this post for anyone out there who is hurting so, so, so bad.

You are not alone. And just as importantly... You won't feel like this forever. 

💜

July 4th Anniversaries

I want you to choose yourself.

I want you to fiercely protect your peace.

I want you to pursue what inspires and nourishes you.

Infertility changed me.

Being childless-not-by-choice changed me.

The pandemic changed me.

2024 alone changed me.

Pic from SelfLoveRainbow

We have ONE LIFE.

(Thank you Tom Petty!)

Pic retrieved from this tribute post

I've shared that I hit extreme burnout last year. It was awful. I took the whole month of December off. I went to work and that was it. No meetings, no appointments, no traveling. I went to the grocery store and checked the mail. I did the bare minimum.

Then I spent the first 6 months of 2025 following through but not adding anything. I went to work. I went to appointments. I finished a quilt top, the hardest one I've sewn so far! And I am so close to finishing the draft of my research article that is good enough to submit for publication. (If accepted, I will get it back with lots of edits to make. But I want to submit the best work I can.)

I feel sooo much better. There are physical signs. Instead of sleeping 10-12 hours a night, I am sleeping 8-9 hours a night. There are emotional signs. When I feel stressed, I can breathe and talk myself through it instead of falling apart or shutting down. There are spiritual signs. I feel more connected to something bigger than me. I refuse to give up. I will continue living my little life sharing the light I have with everyone that comes into my orbit.

*****

July 4th.
Yesterday was a contrast in anniversaries. 

One year ago yesterday I received a phone call from my niece where she was unexpectedly and very shockingly rude, hateful, and condescending to me. When I shared a little about that phone call with other close family members, nobody reacted much. I had to explain why what she said and did was so wrong. It changed everything. It was/is very, very hard for me. I still think about it often. I give myself grace. We navigate and manage what comes our way the best way we can in the moment.

On the other hand, four years ago yesterday my boyfriend and I moved into our home. If we are still at this address next year, it will be the longest I've ever lived anywhere in my life. I cannot describe the feelings that my home gives me, but... I bought this house for the life I have now. I never planned on or even imagined raising children here. And logistically, I haven't had to change my address for the last four years. I haven't had to shut off and start up a bunch of different utilities and services. I haven't had to pack up everything and move it. 

I've been allowed to just be.

I want that for you. Prioritize your well-being.

I'll leave you with another July 4th anniversary.
Six years ago I wrote this post: The Cost of My Freedom

Pic retrieved from Ontario Science Centre

Just Feeling Good and Living My Life

I don't have any saved drafts for this blog. For each post I just open up a new post and start writing. I read over it a couple of times and then hit publish. So every post catches my thoughts as they come.

Lately, I've been noticing how involuntary childlessness has been integrated in my life. It's a formative part of my identity, but it is not the entirety of my being. Things that used to hurt deeply only sting now. Things that used to sting don't always even register anymore. I can't tell you how nice it is to be on this side of things. I know I'm not going to have children and I've changed my entire life from what it looked like when I thought I was going to have kids. Every single thing I've done was hard, but it all helped.

I love my life. In fact, this is my most favorite age yet. I'm 45 and I've been so damn reflective that it's almost starting to get on my nerves haha. I've read several good books about boundaries over the last couple of years. I've observed my lifelong behavioral patterns and relationships. I've thought about how I want to be and what kind of relationships I want to be in. I've given myself and my loved ones a shitload of grace as I did the behind-the-scenes work that I desperately needed to do as an extremely sensitive person in order to live and enjoy the rest of my life. Everything has changed. Every single thing. 

My home. My jobs. My relationships.

And it's awesome.

And it was so, so hard.

But it all supports who I am now and what my life is like now. 

I made a new friend. She's so cool! She's my age and funny and smart and awesome and... pregnant. I am not kidding. But guess what. We see each other almost every week. I don't want to be pregnant anymore, but she does. I can acknowledge the fears and worries she may have while everyone else around her is celebrating. I can also give her "a break" from her pregnancy because we actually don't talk about it. Hahaha. Maybe that's a nice break for her. 

But who would have thought I'd have a new friend at 45 who is also 45 who is pregnant?

Unexpected. (No pun intended but I'm leaving it in there, ha!)

Oh yeah... I also got another part-time job! It's working with kids. Haha. Yes, after I wrote that recent post about not working with kids (full-time), I interviewed for the position I mentioned and it honestly sounds like a perfect fit. I am so excited. It feels good to be excited. The job pays well and I'll be able to use my experience and expertise to support kids and their teachers. It's a low-tech school where they still teach phonics. (Both things were requirements for me to work there... I mean why try to work with kids in an environment where they are always on screens? That wouldn't work for me. It's essential to know yourself.)

I am so excited.

Do you know how good it feels to be excited about things?

I went to a quilt guild meeting last week. There was a woman there who showed eight different quilts during show and tell. She and I were talking during the break. She was in an accident several years ago that changed everything. She is not able to work full-time and will deal with the repercussions of the accident for the rest of her life. But she discovered quilting and is able to quilt in short bursts at a time. Like me, she is so excited to be excited about something again.

Enthusiasm is priceless.

So as I reflect on the first 45 years of my life and think about how transformative last year alone was, I think about how I want the second half of my life to be. Obviously, I can't control what happens, but I can somewhat manage how I interpret and experience whatever happens. I've realized that I've encountered a lot of abuse in my life and, while that is not my fault, I can now realize how I can be a part of some situations while excusing myself from others so that I don't deal with abuse anymore.

It feels good to look forward knowing that I'm taking all that I've learned with me. It feels good when things that used to bother me (related to childlessness or not) don't bother me anymore. It feels good to get a new job doing what I used to do and feel so excited about it.

I knew I wouldn't be in a dark hole forever and I'm so glad that's true.

A light in the dark. 

Pic retrieved from Wikipedia.

After Ten Years

Making sense of things was a privilege I had before enduring infertility. 

The illusion of certainty, of logic being ever-present, of things working out are long, long, long gone.

I have no hope and very rarely use the word anymore.

This foundational shift in my existence prepared me to handle a pandemic. The shattering of my beliefs is helping me live alongside whatever the hateful hell is going on around me. 

But this blog has never been about the bigger picture. It's always been about me and my little life and how I dealt with what was the worst thing I could ever imagine (i.e., not getting to be a mom).

I'm okay. My little life is okay. I don't know about the future. I have no clue. I feel secure with my house, but, considering all of my jobs have been in education, healthcare, research, and non-profits, I'm not sure what employment will be available to me over the next several decades. 

It's just really weird to work so hard for so long to create a life I want to live and when I finally arrive and can take a year to just breathe and be, the institutions and infrastructures within my country, not to mention our international relationships, drastically change.

How can someone be so hopeless and exhausted but still be content and, for lack of a better word, happy? I don't know that answer either, even though I'm living it. I AM happy. I'm also sad, frustrated, and angry. I'm also at a place where I realize I can't do anything about anything. 

I've been fighting uphill battles my entire life. Here's just one. My first year of teaching was 22 years ago. I sounded the alarm then. Our kids need to learn to read and write! Our kids need more time to play! It fell on deaf ears to the people in charge. Parents didn't listen. Administrators didn't listen. And I can't fight and stay mad throughout the duration of my entire life. It will kill me.

So here I am. A Gen X woman, divorced, couldn't have kids, on her third career, still underpaid, and tired of shouting into the void about what society needs.

I'm done. But I don't count it as giving up. That would be giving in. I'm not doing that. I am not going to sit here or lie around and hate my life. I am going to find the parts I like and enjoy those things. I will continue to feel all of my feelings, but I will always come back to the three questions I've learned to ask myself.

What do I want?
What do I need?
Is this my problem to manage?

Because, eventually, after ten years of redesigning your life, you get to a point where, really, the problems aren't yours. You've addressed your problems, worked through some, accepted others, and moved on. Most of the problems are society's or other people's. Not yours.

Do your own work.

And you will be free.

a soaring phoenix found at stockcake.com

My 10th Survivor Anniversary

Welp. It's officially been ten years since I stopped fertility treatments, stopped tracking my cycle and every sign and symptom, and stopped trying to conceive. I would go on for another year, silently yearning for a miracle pregnancy, but, surprise, it never happened. I do not have children. 

You can read posts from previous Survivor Anniversaries in March of each year of my blog.

So. That's thirty-five years of assuming I would have children. Thirty-five years of thinking about my children, longing for my children, and already loving my children. Ok, well, maybe I didn't start thinking about them until I was 7 or 8, but that still brings us to over twenty-five years of holding my children in my heart... The point is I ALWAYS wanted to be a mom.

But not everyone who wants to be a mom gets to be one. 

But now... Now I have had ten years to wrap my brain and heart around the reality that I am not going to raise children. I got to be a teacher for a long time. I volunteered with so many different camps and mentorship programs over the decades. I have worked with thousands of kids. I loved it. But they weren't mine. I didn't get to feed them and comfort them and take them to sports practice/art class/whatever they liked. They never lived in my house. I may have spent 8 hours a day with a lot of them; I may have worked with some of them for several years. I contributed to their growth and development. We had fun together. But other people's children are not mine.

Ten years on... I know this. I have healthy boundaries. I am grateful for the experiences I did have with other people's children. I also know that I am, for sure, not raising children in this lifetime.

It's almost unbelievable. But ten years can help one get used to the idea.

Think about it. Ten years ago it was 2015. It felt like a different world then. I stopped trying to grow my family in 2015 not knowing what all was to come. It's just so weird. All of it.

So anyway, my specific Survivor Anniversary date came and I was prepared to feel whatever feelings came. And really, all I felt was relief. Immense, overwhelming relief. I am relieved that ten years has passed. With the passing of time, I have felt my feelings, grieved, and healed. I have discovered new interests and different parts of myself. After thirty-five years of thinking and living my life one way, I have had time to change my entire existence.

None of it was easy. A lot of it is still hard. Involuntary childlessness has a way of deeply affecting almost everything. Certainly every relationship. Your work. Your interactions with your peer group. Your day-to-day life. Your plans for the future.

But it's massively better today than it was back then.

I had big plans to celebrate with a cake and a houseplant. Hahahaha. Plans. Yeah, so... 

Well first, I didn't feel like going to the store so the houseplant still hasn't happened yet. I like the idea though. I'd like to get something kind of big and tall. My boyfriend is good at keeping plants alive, so I'm going to enlist his help.

Secondly, there was the cake. I decided to make muffins instead of cake, solely because of the muffin mix I had previously bought. See the pic below. I mean, come on, they're Dolly Parton muffins! What better way to celebrate my 10th Survivor Anniversary other than with Dolly??

But did I tell you we got a new oven? And that I don't cook very often? So these muffins were actually the first thing I made in our new oven. And when I went to use the timer and entered the wrong time, I hit the cancel button to start over. It turns out that the cancel button was for the oven, not the timer, so I actually turned the oven off. Doh!! So after 20 minutes I was confused why my muffins were still batter... I was also confused why the oven didn't feel very hot... I realized my mistake, turned the oven back on, and cooked the muffins longer. They were edible but not nearly as good as they could have been. I ate one. My boyfriend ate the rest.

Hahahahaha.

My plans to celebrate my 10th Survivor Anniversary didn't go as expected. Just like the whole TTC thing didn't go as expected. (Yes, pun intended... Feel free to roll your eyes, ha.) 

I cracked up. I wasn't even sad. I was glad I learned that lesson about our new oven with the muffin mix and not some expensive, time-consuming meal I had prepared. I actually bought two muffin mixes at the time, so I will just make the muffins again sometime soon.

Hilarious. My imperfect celebration was perfect. And I recommend Dolly's muffin mix. I can tell the muffins are going to be amazing when they are properly cooked.

A Tribute To Bamberlamb

Today I am wearing purple. It's St. Patrick's Day and I usually wear green, but today was Bamberlamb's funeral and she loved purple. I've been thinking about her all day. My life is so much better because I got to know her just a tiny bit.

Bamberlamb wrote the blog called It's Inconceivable where I learned so much. I got to be on several different zoom calls with her too, and she was even funnier and feistier "in person" than she was in writing. She lived life out loud. She was unapologetic, and she knew how to have fun.

Bamberlamb was childless not by choice and she wrote very honestly about her experiences. 

She taught me that I'm not alone. At a time when I felt all alone, long before I realized how common the loneliness and isolation of infertility can be, I had her blog to read. 

She taught me to invest in worthy relationships. Not all relationships are worthy, but the ones that are, are definitely worth investing in.

She taught me to think ahead about aging. She had so many good ideas and plans in place.

Most importantly, she taught me to do what I want. She explicitly told me that if there is an activity that I enjoy that is separate from all of the family/kid-centered stuff in society to go out and do that. And to do it a lot! I'm always saying that we deserve to enjoy our lives, and I learned it from Bamberlamb.

What an incredible woman. We are all better for her existence. 

May she rest in peace, power, and irreverent profanity!

Bamberlamb loved to ride her motorbike. 

Although the woman in this drawing looks a little older, 

I think this picture captures a bit of Bamberlamb's essence. 

💜💜💜

(You can purchase the image here.)

I love this week.

This week is exactly what I needed after the year I had. 

In July I realized I was doing too much. I was overworked and underpaid, got my heart broken by my family, and knew I was completely maxed out. It still took me six months to follow through with my commitments and pare down my schedule. Now that I've done that, it is crucial that I don't automatically load my schedule back up.

I did some serious journaling this weekend. I reflected on 2024 in a very thorough way so I don't have to revisit it repeatedly. I culled all of the lessons and bits of gratitude that I could, and I am moving further away from the toxic situations that I left. With every passing day, all of that negativity gets further in my past.

For the last several years I've developed a good practice of asking myself "What do I want?" and "What do I need?" When you are used to taking care of everyone else (my mother's feelings, my students' problems, my patients' needs), it can take awhile to be able to answer those questions for yourself. You may have to just sit with the questions for some time before any answers arrive.

This year I am adding a third question to ask myself: "Is this my problem?" I think it's genius! I think asking and answering this question for myself will save me so much time and energy!! I'm excited and relieved to have thought of this. 

Sooo many things aren't our problems. We didn't cause them, and we can't fix them. And really, we don't have to pay attention to them. Easier said than done. Just practice.

Free yourself.

So, yes, I love this week. The week between Xmas and the New Year. Where the country slows down for once, at least a little bit. Where I can cocoon and snuggle and hibernate, thinking and reflecting. And then also not thinking at all, just resting. In my world, this week is quiet. Still. Cozy. Peaceful.

It's my favorite week to be honest. It's the final lap of the year. Enjoy it.

This picture has nothing to do with anything, haha. 

It's a pair of stuffed animals, a chip and a bowl of salsa, that I bought for our home. They're magnetic and stick together. They are part of a "Better Together" series by Hallmark, and I thought they were perfect for my boyfriend and me this year. 💚

If you're interested, here is the self-care planner that I'm trying out this year. 

You can buy a digital version or a printed copy. I've used the same planner (with an annual refill, obviously) for 20 years, but this year I needed a change. My old planner breaks each day down by the hour with margins for daily lists, but I don't want to be that busy anymore. I have done enough. Plus, this colorful planner has good ideas and journal prompts. 

It just makes me happy. 💜

Reflecting, Resting, and Celebrating My World

If you read my last post, it was embarrassing but I needed to be honest with myself and confront my feelings. I'm not convinced it was a good or even decent post, but I wrote it and hit the publish button anyway. And now this post is a rambling road of meandering thoughts. Buckle up! Lol.

I like to read what Nedra Glover Tawwab writes and a question she posed recently was, "What do you feel entitled to?" I've kept it simmering in the back of my mind. And, I think something I feel entitled to is an easy relationship with my parents. I mean, they did their part (raised me with love, resources, and experiences), and I did my part (grew up, worked hard, and created a financially independent and sustainable life I enjoy). So why can't we just get along easily? 

Well, because it's not that simple. Nothing is. Everything is so layered and nuanced.

So I'll continue to notice and reflect. Change what I can, and practice accepting what I can't. 

So yeah, reflection... December is a good time for that. 

And in my reflection this morning I realized something: I was going through my first round of IVF this time of year ten years ago. Holy shit. How can ten years feel so recent and also so long ago?

I'm not going to regurgitate for the millionth time everything that's happened in the last ten years.

But I did take a moment to picture my life in a snapshot then and my life in a snapshot now.

Then: living in the beautiful house I bought for my children. Lost, vacant, empty... Lonely. Bored. Profoundly sad. Feeling traumatic loss and deep grief but not knowing that's what I was feeling. Didn't understand it, didn't have words for it, certainly had no support for it. Terrified.

Now: living in an old house I bought for myself. Warm, cozy, content... Thankful, proud, relieved. Enjoying the little things. Excited about the quilts I want to make. Resting for an extended period like the rest of my life depends on it because it does. 

Speaking of rest... Why is it so counterculture to rest? In one way, it's kind of trendy. "Live simply! Do less!" In another way, it's totally judged. "Oh, you have time for a nap? Must be nice." Why do other people want me to be busy? I've been busy my whole life and, while I've gained a lot of education and experience, how has being busy ever benefited my health, relationship to myself, or social connections?

Going through IVF ten years ago was horrible. Talk about being busy! The whole process is constant injections, blood draws, and ultrasounds. And that's just the physical part. There's also dealing with your own feelings and expectations, not to mention everyone else's feelings and expectations. It's too much to get into right now because I left all that behind for many reasons.

I couldn't fast forward through the last ten years, but I'm glad to be on this side of things now.

I like the life I've created for myself. I was reminded again yesterday when I went to the dentist. I ran into an acquaintance there who said she'd been meaning to get together but has been so busy with her kids. Then the dental hygienist was making small talk and, as a former teacher, I can easily banter about kids, school, and the ups and downs of it all. The hygienist was not complaining, but I could tell she was stressed. Parents need so much more support than they get. (But that's not what this blog is about! Lol.)

With those two conversations, I felt like I was living in the Parenting World for about an hour. And it felt really different. There were different routines, schedules, demands, and concerns. It's honestly pretty much completely different from my life. One isn't better or easier than the other. They are just different.

It just showed me how much my hard work has paid off. I didn't get to have kids, so I didn't make myself stay in that world. I created a life that I want to live, a life that works for me and my circumstances. I posted this quote on one of my first posts, but back then it was a process I was working through. It really rings true now.

Not Traveling for the Holidays

I'm not traveling for the holidays this year.

In 2016 I missed celebrating the holidays with my family for the first time ever. After enduring several painful holidays during infertility (including one where I traveled with my IVF medications), I finally realized that traveling for the holidays was exactly what I DIDN'T need and stayed home. It sucked and I was sad, but I still knew I was picking the least painful of my options. 

I didn't travel in 2017 either. Because of infertility.

In 2018 I went to my parents' home for the holidays and had a wonderful time with everyone.

In 2019 I missed the holidays with my family again when I was busy rebuilding my life and working two professional jobs in a different state. I was working five days a week teaching middle school and working the weekends at the hospital. I didn't have time to travel. I didn't have time for anything except to get myself established in my new state.

In 2020 there was the pandemic so, once again, I didn't travel to see my family for the holidays. 

I traveled in 2021, but I was terrified. Despite being vaccinated and masked, it took a lot for me to board a plane and spend time with loved ones from multiple households (especially knowing that nobody else was masking anymore). I was the only person in a mask all weekend and it was tough. But it was still good to see everyone.

I traveled for the holidays in 2022 and 2023 and had a grand ol' time.

This year I'm not. I'm not traveling for the holidays again, but it has nothing to do with infertility or the pandemic. I am flat out tired. I took nine trips this year, and I don't even like to travel. I'm grateful for the opportunities. I got to visit my best friend from college and meet her kids. I got to present my research at five different conferences. I saw my parents several times throughout the year. It was all great. I'm just tired.

And so I am done. For 2024. Hahaha. But seriously... 

I'm done with meetings and commitments and commuting. I am definitely done traveling. I warned my family when I saw some of them a couple of weeks ago that I was not going to be traveling anymore this year. We already have time planned together in February so I reminded them of that. My parents and older sister seemed to understand, and I appreciated it. It always feels good to feel understood, even if that feeling is somewhat foreign.

What do YOU need? 

What do you WANT?

They are seemingly simple questions but can be deceptively difficult to answer.

Just put those questions in the back of your mind.
Let them simmer. Let the answers come to you. You don't have to work for them.

I give you permission to rest. You have done enough.

The pictures above are all accurate depictions of me. 😂
They were all found in the public domain by searching "relaxing at home clip art" for images, and they represent my plans for the rest of the year: eating, sleeping, and sewing. Also, I recently found a video game that I really like (first one since, like, 1992!) so I'll be playing that too. And slowly but surely, I'll organize my house. But that's all fun for me. Of course I'll have to go to work too. But that's my only responsibility. Oh and a dentist appointment for a cleaning.
Anyway, I digress...  Do what you want to do.

Abundance

I did not mean to disappear on you, but I got extremely busy and could barely keep my head above water. But! As of today, I am no longer busy. I followed through with all of my commitments and meetings, and now I am done. I feel tired and proud. I will spend the next five weeks doing as little as possible: going to work, cleaning my house, and doing what I want. :)

My house is a wreck. I think back to the last time when I felt like my house wasn't a wreck. It was during a very sad, cold time in my life when I was married but lonely and trying to conceive. My house was clean because I never cooked or created any art. I was barely alive so I didn't make much of a mess. Everything had a place and was in its place because I didn't use anything. 

So the upside of having my house be a wreck is that my life is full and active. I might need to desperately sweep my living room and throw the quilts in the washer, but even while messy, my LIVING room (all caps to emphasize that I am truly living again) feels so warm and cozy. I love it.

Not being able to raise the children I had planned for my whole life upended my entire existence. I created a whole new life that I want to live, but I'm still dealing with the destruction caused by infertility. And one continued problem is I have too much stuff!! Books I'm never going to reference, clothes I'm never going to wear, mismatched pots and pans and kitchen items that don't stack neatly in the cabinets... From the outside looking in, I can be objective about it. I know it's all a grief response. I feel like I have a slight taste (like, 1%) of what dealing with a true hoarding problem might feel like. I'm holding on to so much because I've lost too much already.

And then I remember I used to have twice as much stuff. 

So I let myself feel proud of how far I've come and I give myself grace for where I currently am.

My mother's house is spotless. I would even say it's almost 100% dust free. She keeps a seriously clean house. But I cannot compare myself to her. One, we have different personalities. And two, while she's had her own incredibly difficult periods in her life, the last 15 years have not been one of them. It's much easier to function when you're not in the midst of grief and trauma.

So here I am. At the finish line of a truly challenging calendar year.
Which followed an incredibly harrowing 12 years. 

I am off of work for a whole week, and I am giddy. I don't know what I'm going to do, but it will probably involve sleeping, sewing, and cleaning my house. 

I am so grateful.

Picture above found at What is a cornucopia?

I am thankful for so much: 

a safe and stable place to live, good food to eat, 

hobbies I enjoy, and loved ones to share life with. 

Wishing you warmth, peace, and contentment this holiday season.

Love, Phoenix