Childless & Taking Care of My Inner Child

You know I'm tired. You know I'm drained. You also know life doesn't stop, and I will be going back to the office tomorrow for another week of work. But I've hired movers for Saturday! A team of three strong people will come over, load up our stuff (very little furniture but tons of boxes), and take it to our new place where they will unload it. I cannot possibly physically move myself again. And it's only been three months since my boyfriend made his last trip to where we moved from and back. We are so done.

But I'm back living in a city where there are goods and services, so I hired movers!

In anticipation of the upcoming week of work and moving, I did as little possible this weekend. I cut some fabric, did some hand sewing, and read a whole dang book. I don't remember the last time I read a book in 24 hours. It was very relaxing.

I can and can't believe I don't have children. I can believe it because it's my life. It's my reality. I can't believe it because I always planned on being a mom. I looked forward to it. It's what my friends and family are doing. It's what I wanted to do.

Honestly, my new place would be great for raising kids. It's a cool house that's being "wasted" on a childless woman. (That's not my opinion, just society's.) My boyfriend doesn't fall into that category because he is a dad. Even with his kid grown, he will always be a dad.

We are about to hit the most pronatalistic time of the calendar year. Back to school, Halloween, Thanksgiving, and the winter holidays (Hanukkah, Christmas, Xmas, Kwanzaa, winter solstice, etc.). I don't know why my new house is making me think of my children. I obviously know I'm not having children in this lifetime. In fact, I was happy to buy my last house because it was perfect for a couple but not for raising children. Maybe that's the difference. My new home is a cool house. I would have loved it as a kid.

Maybe that's what I'm doing with my childless adult life. Making my inner child happy. I bought a fun house and I work long days helping others help themselves so I can pay my bills and live my life, spending my money on food, fabric, and my cats. 

I've got a co-worker that's the same age as me. She doesn't have kids. She just broke up with her partner of 8 years and now lives alone. She says she's ordering takeout and playing video games after work. She said she feels like a teenager whose mom is out of town. I said, "But wouldn't your younger self be so happy and proud? You're living a life that younger you dreamt about." 

Of course, younger me dreamt about being a mother. It really was a lifelong desire for me. But since my children didn't come in this lifetime, I literally thank them out loud for the life I'm living now. I hope they're proud of me.

I am slowly but surely (I'm in no rush) hand sewing a grandmother's flower garden quilt. 

That's 1 flower (above) out of the 77 I plan to sew together for the quilt top. There will be white hexagons surrounding/in between each flower as well. I fussy cut the centers of the flowers using a fabric that had a lot of different objects printed on it. I started it in 2022 and I'm sure it'll take me another year or two at least. I love to sew while watching movies on Saturday night.

He's Not a Fan of Father's Day

My boyfriend hates Father's Day. Other than this blog, I don't have any social media so I didn't even realize it was Father's Day until we went mattress shopping today. The saleswoman that helped us was really nice. She asked us how we were celebrating Father's Day and told us she baked an apple pie for her husband yesterday. 

I totally didn't want to go mattress shopping this morning, but my back has hurt all week so I didn't have a choice. I had to go mattress shopping and I have to exercise. Over time, with a new mattress and a less sedentary lifestyle, I will feel better.

So will my boyfriend. Because it will no longer be Father's Day. I guess even fertile people can hate these types of holidays for any number of reasons. I don't know why my boyfriend does. He's not one to love holidays in general. Holidays can be hard. Expectations, anticipation, good memories, bad memories...

I'm living with my boyfriend's young adult son again. It's my fourth time living with him. The first three times didn't end positively, but it's okay. He was young, I'm Type A, and there were extenuating circumstances each time. We've talked about it. It's all in the past. And now we live at a fourth address together. It's our fourth town/city and our second state. 

I love my family. It looks different from how I imagined. I thought I would be raising kids. I did not raise kids. But I have my partner and his kid who is now a young man. (They grow up so fast! Haha. I laugh because he was grown when I met him. But now he is grown-grown.)

I am not a stepmom. I've heard other people call me that. A co-worker recently. One of my sisters one time. But I am not a stepmother. I didn't raise him. I wasn't around when he was being raised. I don't call him my stepson and he doesn't call me his stepmom. I'm just his dad's girlfriend that's still here, haha.

But we get along great. And over the years I got to have some maternal moments with him when I got to help him with a couple of different "adulting" type tasks. I enjoyed it. I didn't make a big deal out of it, but it was precious to me. 

I couldn't be with someone who had a kid if I didn't like their kid. I also couldn't be with someone who had a kid if they didn't put their kid first. Even when a kid isn't a minor anymore, they're still your kid. Especially in today's economy, they probably need some help.

I was definitely not interested in being with someone with a kid. But I met my boyfriend and his kid was grown and I thought I'd see how it went. And here we are. That's how it's gone. 

It's good! We are all here now. The three of us and the cats. I got a full-time job. My boyfriend and I made the move. And his son joined us several months later. It's a better spot for all of us. More jobs, better weather. We like it.

And so here I am, relaxing on the couch on Father's Day ignoring that it's Father's Day because my boyfriend hates it. His son is home upstairs in his room. The cats are napping. We are all content.

I told my boyfriend we could continue to ignore the day, but I'd make him an apple pie next year. That got a smile out of him. 

Apple pie picture and recipe found here on allrecipes.

A Table is not the Hearth of the Home

I'm tired of furnishing temporary places. When my boyfriend and I moved together for the first time, we knew we weren't staying there past our lease but I didn't understand why he didn't unpack his boxes. I understand now. When you know you're not staying somewhere, it doesn't make sense to totally unpack everything. And now, in addition to not unpacking, I no longer want to buy or acquire things for temporary spaces either.

I've had three homes that I thought I would be in for a long, long time. When I got married, he already had a house and I was fine living there. Then we ended up buying a house for our future children that was closer to his job. I thought we'd be there for at least a decade. Then, when I bought my own little house in a small town, I thought I'd live there forever.

Obviously, I don't live in any of those places anymore, but I'm lucky that I had them. They all felt very happy and secure at the time. Then it was time to move on from each place.

And now I am in my current rental. When I first moved in, I daydreamed about loving the place, buying it, and never moving again. But as much as I like and appreciate my rental, I don't love it. Plus, it's not for sale. Plus, I probably couldn't afford it. So that's that.

I don't have a dining room table in the rental. I gave away the one we had before we moved. We used it for eating, and I used it for sewing. It was fine, but I didn't want any furniture from my former marriage anymore. It was one less thing to move. Then, when we moved here, I bought a new table. It was necessary. It's a work table though. For my sewing machine, not for eating. 

My mom really wants me to have a dining table. She thinks it's important. But it's not important to me. (See the first sentence of this post.) She said something along the lines of, "You need a table. It's important to eat dinner together. It's where you talk about your day."

So I reminded her: "I'm not raising kids." 

"Oh," she said.

I assured her that my boyfriend and I are well aware of each other's days.

She said, "Yeah, when it's just your dad and me, we eat in the tv room a lot." My mom's inability to see my life continues to surprise me. Part of me feels hurt; part of me understands.

And I do want a table. I'm just not buying or acquiring anything for this place.

When It's Hard To Connect

My life isn't organized around my children. That must be obvious since I don't have children. But it's such a sneaky little (big) thing that I forget myself and it's my life. But, that's probably because I'm living my life, which is not organized around my children as we just established, so when I remember that the rest of the world's is AND they expect mine to be organized in the same way... Well, it can be jarring. It makes me feel like a puzzle piece that never quite fits in.

Traveling reminded me. I took a really cool trip with my mom and sisters last month. It was a lot of fun and we met some other nice people too. But wow, does everyone talk about their kids and grandkids nonstop. I mean, they really do. It's an objective fact. This isn't me being sensitive. 

My mom even started telling her birth story about having me one night when it was just me and my sisters. They were reminiscing about the night I was born. I interrupted to say, "I usually don't listen to any mother's birth story, but I'll listen to yours because it's about me."

One of my sisters always talks about her kid. Always has. It's a little weird and now it feels awkward for me because I don't talk to her adult kid but whatever. That's my sister and that's her kid that I've known for the kid's whole life. I listen. It's fine. 

Hearing about other people's kids constantly doesn't hurt me like it used to. It makes sense. These people have kids so it makes sense for them to talk about them. I just noticed on the trip how much this topic can dominate conversations. There were several group dinners where I just didn't say much at all. (But don't worry about me, the food was awesome, haha.)

And you know it's not just my family. It was the various people we met too. Everyone talked about their kids and their grandkids. A lot. Again, normal. I mean, not for me. But it's normal for them.

But it was so much that I even asked the sister I was rooming with, "Do you notice how much everyone talks about their kids?" And she said yes, she'd definitely noticed. She also said she didn't know if she would've noticed if I wasn't there. But with my presence, she realized how common the conversation topic was.

So I noticed the obvious while traveling--that my life isn't organized around children.

But I also notice it now that I've moved. 

Obviously, I don't have any friends here. I just moved and I don't know anyone. Luckily, every co-worker I've met has been nice and friendly. But, you know, those are my co-workers. I would hope they could be nice and friendly, at least on the surface.

So then I think about where and how to meet some new friends. I know these things take time. Good friendships can take years to form. That's fine. I'm in no hurry. I never want to leave my house anyway, haha. That's actually why I'm thinking about this now. I know I will want to have a friend or two in a couple of years, so I know I better start leaving my house every now and then for something social so I can meet some people. 

But my age group is still busy raising their kids.

This is nothing new to me, but I am confronting it all over again as I think about how to meet new people. It just comes back to how your life is organized. And people's priorities and activities can be very different. We are all busy, but we are busy doing different things on different schedules. 

 

Clip art found on Vecteezy

I'm going to try a sewing workshop. 

A lot of them are during the day while I'm at work, but there are still some offered in the evenings and on the weekends. I signed up for one in a couple of weeks. A day long workshop where we learn a new technique and create a completed project in the day. I know I won't want to go when the day comes, haha. (I'll feel tired and just want a break.) But then I am going to make myself go and I know I'll be glad I went. Whether I end up liking the project or not isn't the point, although
I think I'll like it. 

It's good to get out of the house, be around people, and try something new.

It's Incredibly Difficult to Recover

One of the many reasons why I grieved so hard and so long for my unrealized dream of raising children is the idea that parenting is so pervasive that it's the default way of thinking... It's hard enough to live amongst pronatalism when you didn't want to parent, but it feels nearly impossible to live in this suffocating world when you wanted to parent and didn't get to. 

Here's my most recent example.

I was talking to my mom and she was telling me about a family member that came to visit. He wants to move to a different country and has been working on the logistics for awhile. My mom is not in favor of this plan. Why she cares where he lives is beyond me. Personally, I'm excited for him. He's well traveled and knows the language. My mom thinks it's a terrible idea.

Mom: It's hard to move.

Me: Yeah, it's hard to move, but he wants to move. I think it's pretty cool.

Mom: He's moving away from his family. [This family member's parents are dead and he is not in communication with his siblings. He's not married, and he doesn't have kids.]

Me: Well, I'm sure it won't be any different. He's just living his life.

Mom: But it's even harder to move when you're our age. You can't meet people through your work or through your children.

Me: ... I haven't met anyone through my children...

Mom: Well, you know what I mean.

Me: And he hasn't ever met anyone through his children either...

Mom: Well, I guess not.

Me: He's probably just living his life like regular. I mean, this is his life. It's nothing new.

*****

I'm not mad at my mom, but I continue to be shocked at her blatant assumptions and inability to imagine life any other way than how it has gone for her. I even told her, "I understand that you're thinking about life with the normative transitions, but [our family member] and I don't live life like that and it changes everything."

And THAT is why it is so hard to grieve and recover from involuntary childlessness. Not only are you navigating traumatic loss and disenfranchised grief, you are encountering people's limited perspectives and constant judgment for what you are supposed to be doing instead.

THE Hardest/Best Thing??

I got irritated listening to the radio yesterday. It was an interview with two musicians, but they veered off track from talking about writing songs, playing instruments, and touring and started talking about motherhood. I should have just changed the channel, but I figured they would quickly return to talking about music. They did but not before I felt affected. :(

It was short, but they talked about being a mother and a musician. A touring musician no less. Which I imagine is very difficult. But then they touched on motherhood in general. The interviewer described having children as "the HARDEST thing EVER" and really emphasized it. Then she followed with the somewhat predictable "BUT it is absolutely the BEST thing EVER too." 

Ok, whatever.
We've all heard that before. 

But for some reason my brain got stuck on it yesterday. THE hardest thing ever?? Now I know she wasn't talking to me directly or even to a population of childless not-by-choice women, but I immediately thought, "Yes, parenting is extremely hard, but I don't think it's harder than not getting to parent when you wanted to do so."

I agree with my immediate thought, and I disagree with my immediate thought. I agree with it because I think involuntary childlessness is just as hard, if not harder, than parenting. I disagree with it because it's not a competition. And the two are hard to compare. They are opposites.

When really... Maybe people should stop describing parenting as The HARDEST but BEST thing Ever. Maybe that's not the best message to give to everyone. Maybe it's the hardest thing for YOU. Maybe it's the best thing for YOU. But these are not absolutes that apply to everyone.

I went for a specialized breast exam last week. (Results were fine! I'm good for another year.) The woman doing my exam was great at making conversation. She asked, "So, what's your story? Where are you from? What do you do? Do you have any kids? Pets?" I answered her questions briefly, skipping over the kid question. She came back to the kid question and I quickly filled her in that it didn't work out for me.

She got quiet and then apologized. She said, "I am so sorry. I can tell you would have been a great mom." I agreed with her (haha) and said, "Oh I know, I was born to be a mother. Except I wasn't." And gave her a smile.

She got quiet again and then said, "It doesn't make you happy."

I met her where she was, lowered my voice, and said, "I'm sure it doesn't." 

She said, "But that's what we were told. Get married, have kids, be happy. And, oh my gosh, don't get me wrong, I love my kids." (I interrupted and said, "Of course you love your kids! But whatever you say is safe with me. I won't judge.") And she just sighed and said, "I love my kids, but it's not what I thought it was going to be. Having kids doesn't make you happy."

And that is the kind of honest conversation we should be having with each other. Having kids IS hard. NOT having kids when you wanted them is also hard. Parenting can be the best experience for some people but not everyone. Being a mom doesn't guarantee happiness.

Pervasive Assumptions

I don't expect others to "get over" their parented status. Once you're a mom, you're a mom. It doesn't change. Why do I feel like some people want me to "get over" my childlessness? It's a part of me. It's who I am. It's not the entirety of who I am, but it has a big influence on my life. 

Just like having children can change everything for someone, not having children can change everything too. Having children affects your life in major ways, from the big stuff down to your daily routines, and so does not having children when you planned for them your whole life.

I am not sad every day like I used to be. Far from it. Being sad every day was a part of it for me, but I am no longer in that place. I have moved along the road of my life. But it still affects me. 

It affects what I do for work (I changed careers), where I live (I moved out of the suburbs and to a different state), and how I spend my time (no sports practice, birthday parties, or carpool lines for me -- two of which I was actually looking forward to). Involuntary childlessness affects everything.

And people don't seem to get that. Although they do seem to make quick assumptions.

Why do I get hate for taking a nap?
(Parents can take naps, eventually anyway. Their kids grow up.)

Why do I get judged for spending time on hobbies?
(Plenty of women throughout time have raised children and quilted.)

Why am I assumed to not have an important schedule or responsibilities?
(I still work, run errands, have appointments, eat, sleep, shower, and stay on top of dishes and laundry like everyone else. I have things to do, whether I like it or not. And I also do not have unlimited energy.)

It's just short-sighted. And annoying.

*****

The holiday season starts this week. It's an easy time to feel dismissed or misunderstood.

I used to love October, November, and December. Then they were extremely painful for years. Now I love them again but only because I've reclaimed the parts I like.

As your family and friends start to make plans for the rest of 2024, pay attention to what you want to do and what you don't want to do. You're allowed (and encouraged!) to make decisions based on what fits YOUR life, not everyone else's.

💜