Sunday Reset

One of the best things about my job is having a regular work schedule. It makes it so much easier to have routines. Like Sundays for example. It's the day I do laundry and dishes. I clean out the fridge. I look at my planner for the week. It's a weekly reset for me, and it's made a huge difference in my life. What used to be overwhelming is now very satisfying.

I also notice I've been blogging on Sundays. I don't have a list of drafts. Every time I write a post, I open my laptop and start writing. When I'm done, I read over it a couple of times and publish it. It's become another part of my Sunday.

However, today my thoughts are scattered. I've been thinking that maybe I've been grieving a little lately. I've been so tired for so long, and I'm operating at maximum capacity. I keep doing stuff like preventative healthcare appointments and trying to buy a house because I feel like I am so close to being done with stuff for awhile. I might get a break from major life stressors soon.

It's okay. I knew this year would be tough. I am relieved that I'm past the halfway mark. 

But that's where the grieving comes in. It has taken so long to recover from infertility. It has taken so long to create a different life (one where I don't have kids) from the life I assumed I'd be living (being a mother). There were a lot of other things along the way, like my divorce and the pandemic. It's just been exhausting.

I noticed I was feeling a little sad for a couple of weeks. It wasn't about not having kids necessarily. It was more about how much time, energy, and resources it took to change my life. And yes, I'm very grateful for the time, energy, and resources, but I also get to say that it sucked. It sucked that so many other people got to live their lives as is while I poured myself into creating something completely new and unknown.

And then this weekend happened. Where I realized, by hearing about a loved one and their young adult kid, that my children will never do dumb shit and/or break my heart. My kids are not here. My heartbreak comes from not having them.

The contrast. Having kids, not having kids. 

And the similarities. Heartbreak all the same.

I've been quietly thinking about all of this as I've gone about my chores today. My laundry is done and my kitchen is picked up. I've got a grocery list written for tomorrow after work. I feel prepared for the upcoming week. I've still gotta keep going; I've got a lot to do at home and work for the next 1 - 3 months. Then I am hoping I can do less and merely maintain for the winter.

Thinking of you as we start a new week. I know things aren't easy for anyone right now. 💜

Cute infographic found on Notes by Thalia

How To Recover from Burnout

2024 sucked. And it's not like the decade leading up to it was a party. Then 2024 happened, and it tipped the scales for me. I was toast. I was burned out.

So I blogged about it. And tonight I was reading some old posts. Well, first, I was thinking about how it's only been six months since I realized I had to move, and now here I am in a new state with a new job. I marveled at how it was all even possible when I decided to read my old posts on recovering from burnout.

There were 5 posts over the course of 15 months.

Extreme Burnout

From Burnout to Boundaries

From Rest to Routines 

Recover, Then Restore

Recovered From Burnout in 2025

After years of reading self-help books, it's like I created a step-by-step plan for myself.
(In retrospect. At the time I didn't know what I was doing.)

I write this post as I lie on my couch. I am very tired from working all week, and I am still tired from moving. It's all good though. I will take this exhaustion. I like my job and I'm glad we moved. 

But as tired as I am, I am definitely not burned out. I'm tired from working and moving. It's not from being undervalued and overworked. It's not the burnout kind of fatigue that takes a long time to recover from. It's the daily tired where I'll feel better in the morning after a night's sleep.

Now that I think of it, there are so many ways to be tired. Burnout. Physical exhaustion. Cognitive fatigue. Existential restlessness. They all require different antidotes.

For burnout, the posts linked above describe my process for recovery.

It takes time.

I found this stuffed animal (I'm toast!) in an online store that has lots of funny pillows.

Finding a New Doctor

Another hard part of moving is finding new doctors. It feels hard even though I have health insurance through my new job. (If you recall, that was a big reason why I had to move so quickly. I was losing my affordable coverage in 2026.) 

In a way, it's easy enough. I look at my health insurance card, go to the website, and find doctors that are in network and accepting new patients. 

In another way, it's daunting and overwhelming. Personally, I am tired of websites, logins, new accounts, and patient portals. I am tired and don't know how to find a doctor and/or practice that I'm going to like and where I will feel comfortable. I don't know anyone. I'm new here.

I knew I was dreading it because "find new doctors" stayed on my To Do list for three months. 

But I'm chipping away at this whole change-my-job/address/life thing AGAIN and I will get it all done AGAIN and actually, except for unpacking (which may or may not happen in this rental house), I am quite close to the end.

Including finding new doctors. I went to a new gynecologist on Friday. I'm establishing care with a primary care physician next month, and I'm finally getting my eyes checked next month too. Now I only need to find a dentist and a dermatologist. Soon I will have assembled a new team for my healthcare. I'm thinking about looking for a counselor and/or a massage therapist and/or an acupuncturist too. We'll see. Every service, although worth it, costs time and money.

So. I went to a new gynecologist on Friday. To say I was nervous is an understatement. I surprised myself by bursting into tears on my way to the appointment. Luckily, I wasn't driving so it was safe to cry. I admitted out loud that I was scared but I was going anyway.

Then I had the best experience. Really. I really did.

The front desk women were nice. The waiting area was well lit and clean. The medical assistant who took me to my exam room was calming and friendly. The new doctor was wonderful. And the woman at the check-out desk was hilarious. I appreciated the whole experience.

Did I mention they use nitrous?

FINALLY. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. I've been saying this for years. Every gynecologist should have nitrous. I get nitrous to ease my nerves when I have my dental cleanings. Why wouldn't I get nitrous to ease my nerves during my annual well woman exam?? It's a no brainer. Except it's not standard practice. But maybe things are changing. Because let me tell you, that nitrous changed the entire experience from nerve wracking and painful to NOT nerve wracking and painful. Huh. How humane.

So that was good. But damn, I was tired after that experience. Completely wiped out for the day.

I needed to tell her about my oophorectomy 20 years ago; my experiences with trying to conceive, infertility, and failed fertility treatments; my divorce; my abnormal lab results in the past and all of the procedures I've had to explore them with dates; my recent move; and my new body and hormonal changes. Fun! 

Oh and THEN I had the physical exam. Sometimes the fun just doesn't seem to end.

So yeah, I don't usually tell people all of the worst things of my life right when I meet them, but when I do, I make sure I'm thorough. It was a lot at once, but it was all my relevant history.

She was nice. She listened. She answered my questions. I felt lucky for finding a great new doctor and practice. Having that first appointment over with is a huge weight off of my shoulders.

One of the reasons I picked that practice was because they had the word "infertility" on their website when no one else did. But let's be real, the main reason I picked them is because they offer nitrous for procedures. But it turned out, it's also a great practice full of friendly people. Amen to that. I wish for good experiences and care for all of us.

Another good sign!
My new doctor had this classic poster hanging on the ceiling above the exam chair.
Hilarious.

Save Yourself

My last post was about other people's writing saving me. Then I read Loribeth's post, What's Saving My Life Right Now. I forgot that she did this post every year in February. I like it.

It's a tough time. I'm not going to go into detail or commentary about any of it, nationally or internationally. But even on a smaller individual level, everyone I'm close to currently has major stressors in their lives. Maybe there will always be stress... But then, that's what makes it even more important to consider what helps us get through. I often think about what helps me.

I also love lists. So I wanted to think about, in addition to other people's writing, what's saving my life right now. Off the top of my head...

• Myself. I've learned a lot of things over the last decade: how to redirect my thoughts, how to have boundaries and why, how to quilt. I enjoy my own company and that's pretty cool.
  
  
• My boyfriend. He listens a lot. And he loves me. And we disagree and miscommunicate. And we laugh a lot. I'm actually at a place mentally where I would be fine by myself. I don't feel scared or insecure or lonely anymore. I'd be fine. But I'm glad I have my boyfriend. He adds a lot to my life.
  
  
• My cat(s). How did I live without a pet for so long? Well, it's very easy to not have a pet. It's very easy and affordable. Haha. But we were petsitting my boyfriend's son's cat and I fell in love and I needed a second cat for whenever we didn't have the first cat anymore and a kitten came into our lives and the first cat never left and...
  Now we have two cats. I love them. They are cute and funny and have their own personalities. One of the cats is definitely mine. He falls asleep with me at night and wakes me up in the morning. And oh my god I am writing a full paragraph about how much I love my cat, hahaha. But I do.
  
  Let's see... What else is saving my life right now...
  
  
• My job and my bills. Seriously. It's so easy to complain about work because we are there alllll the time, and it's easy to complain about bills because they're sooo expensive. But also? I like having a job. It means I'm not looking for a job, which is extremely stressful. I also like paying my bills because I'm glad for the services. It would suck without electricity, indoor plumbing, and trash pickup. My job and my bills are providing for my life, so they're saving me.
  
  
• My slow cooker! I've always struggled with what to eat every day, having stuff on hand, chopping stuff, cooking, and cleaning up after. I like the results of the effort. I like to eat tasty food. But, come on, figuring out what to eat multiple times a day every day? It's hard for some people. Like me. But! I am really excited because I've used my slow cooker once a week for the last 4 weeks. It's awesome coming home from work and smelling a homecooked meal that's already ready.
  
  
• Having something to look forward to. That's definitely saving my life. With the move behind me and the new job started, I live here now. It still doesn't feel like it, but I do. I live here and this is my life now. Lol. It's been awhile since I've lived in a city so I looked around for things to do. I found a couple of sewing workshops that I registered for and a couple of shows that I bought tickets for. And just like that, I have plans for 2026! Not too much. I don't want to be busy. But I've got several things to look forward to. And that saves me.
  
  

What's saving your life right now?

Here's a photo dump of other things that are bringing me joy, a.k.a. saving my life, right now.

I love stuffed animals. I saw this last weekend in a toy store. It's a jar of strawberry jam. So cute!

After months of having it packed, I unpacked my sewing machine and sewed an easy pot holder.
It's quilted with insulated batting using variegated thread.
Variegated thread (where it changes colors from one to another) always makes me happy.

I unpacked some embroidery floss I bought last year. I took a workshop about decorative stitches last month, and I'm going to try a little embroidery.

I sewed a cute little starfish with simple felt, stuffing, needle, and thread--
the kind of affordable supplies you buy from a craft store.
In retrospect, it was a nice activity because I held the soft, colorful felt and stared at it while I sewed. It was a nice break from looking at a screen and I enjoyed the colors and the feel of the felt. Hand sewing this starfish was like a little meditation practice.

Hot chocolate. On a cold day. The sprinkles were a happy surprise!  

Recovered from Burnout in 2025

I had a good holiday. I was in my new home with my boyfriend and cats. We didn't decorate this year, but we opened some small presents in the morning. I called my parents and texted his mom. Then every place was closed so we were forced to cook when we got hungry, haha. Fortunately, that means our kitchen is unpacked to a functional level. Yay! So I made a spontaneous holiday meal: roasted brussel sprouts, mashed potatoes, and homemade mac and cheese. It felt so good to have a cozy sense of normalcy.

I haven't sewn in months. I miss it. I miss feeling the fabric, hearing the rhythmic hum of the machine, and creating something cute and/or beautiful. But I'm getting closer... I unpacked my sewing machine this weekend, and I found my thread and notions. I ordered an inexpensive table to sew on because I donated my dining room table when we moved. I'll be sewing again soon. I probably won't unpack all of my fabric, but I will have what I need for a project or two.

Moving doesn't get easier. Maybe it gets harder. I was comfortable where I was. I lived there for five years. For four years, I lived in a home that I owned. I won't be settled like that for a while. But I'm glad I moved. This place will be better for us in the long-run. It has jobs and housing.

My hope for 2026 is stability. I know that's not in my control, but I will gladly take whatever stability comes my way. I hope my job stays fine, my rental stays fine, my car stays fine, my relationships stay fine, I stay fine, and my cats stay fine. (Lol! I'm not asking for much!) 

I've been saying it for years now, but I will gladly take a boring year. Please. :)

We are wrapping up 2025. I'm reflecting like I usually do this time of year. The first half of 2025 was all about recovering from burnout after a difficult first half of 2024. It took a full year of reducing my demands to recover from extreme burnout sustained after a decade. Then all of a sudden, the last third of 2025 was all about moving (literally) at rapid speed.

You can say this about any year, but it's the first time I've ever thought about it. Year 2025 was the bridge I needed to get from 2024 (awful) to 2026 (hopefully much better). I really focused on my mental and physical health. I slept a lot. I started practicing yoga several times a month. I kept sewing but slowed it down. I avoided making new commitments while I continued following through with what I'd already said I'd do. I slowly reset and regained my energy. Then I looked for and found a good full-time job in another state and moved.

As soon as I could, I did. 

But first I had to rest. Then I had to do the work.

That's how recovery goes. 

I got the picture above from this post about how to recover from burnout, written by a facility that offers a variety of programs to treat stress, trauma, and mental health disorders. I don't know about this organization, but I like their post and graphic.

Also, yoga for self-care can be so cliche... But... It really does help. 

Yoga means "to yoke," to connect. Practicing yoga means connecting your breathing with your movement. So, inhale slowly and raise your arms over your head. Exhale slowly and lower your arms. Do that several more times. It's calming. Yoga is literally the stilling of the thought waves of the mind (yoga sutra 1.2).

A Simple Life

A lot of people have written about feeling the need to do The Next Big Thing after losing their dreams of motherhood to infertility. It's like we are supposed to have some awesome career, a big bank account, or some badass endeavor. One of my sisters told me during my very dark time that now I can "travel the world and go on adventures!" I wanted to be a mom. I wanted to raise children. There is no substitution for that. I wasn't a kid in college going to study abroad. Plus, as most of you know, I don't even like to travel.

Is there no recognition for finding the desire to want to stay alive? 
Is it not a monumental achievement to rediscover the will to live and feel at peace?

One thing that has always bothered me about my blog is the fact that I drastically changed my entire life by going back to school, moving out of state, and getting divorced. (Again, most of you know but only two of those things were planned.) It's like I jumped into The Next Big Thing and I hate for that to be the example I'm giving. I honestly believe just getting out of bed every day is a huge task. Especially during the first few years of grief. I don't want other people to feel pressured like they're supposed to do all this big stuff in life when they have absolutely no resources left.

But also--with all of that said, if you want to change your life, YOU CAN. 

One small thing at a time.

Every ounce of effort counts.

Getting out of bed counts.

Taking a shower counts.

Making yourself something to eat counts.

Once you've eaten, you've given yourself some energy to complete a task. 

    Do you need to log in and pay a bill? 

    How about surfing the internet to explore job or hobby ideas? 

    Or picking up a broom to sweep away the dust bunnies you've seen for days?

    Or going for a 10 minute walk outside? (I always forget about this and tend to stay sedentary.)

It all counts.

It's whatever you want. Live your life. 

I couldn't live my old life so I had to change it. I guess that was my Next Big Thing, but it was necessary. I was going to die if I stayed in my children's house spending my weekends driving across traffic to whichever friend's kid was having a birthday party that weekend, assuming I was even invited to the birthday party. 

But now? Ten years later? Ten years full of grieving, going back to school, moving out of state, getting divorced, starting a new career, and, oh yeah, enduring a pandemic... I'm good. I'm done. And quite honestly, I'm very, very tired.

I will now live my simple life. 

Ignore the haters. There are a lot of them and they are loud. They want to criticize our every decision, question our every belief, and dampen our moments of happiness. All while the world burns around us. As if we need any more negativity in our lives.

The game changed on us. We don't have to play by their rules.

Speaking of games and living my simple life, my boyfriend bought me a Nintendo Switch last year. I thought it was funny because I notoriously hate video games. But, he was convinced I would love it. And, as usual, he was right. Hahaha. And now... I'm obsessed. I love it. 

I love playing Stardew Valley. I love to plant and harvest my crops. I love to pet and feed my animals. I love to run around foraging and completing quests. I love this simple farming game. 

Take Time to Grieve

Once again, Dolly Parton leads the way with her wisdom!

This article says she is taking a break from writing new music to grieve.

Very, very wise.

As Mali has recently written, now is not the time for accomplishments.

Our society sucks at grief. Our society sucks at obvious grief, such as losing a partner or a child, and our society really sucks at disenfranchised grief, where the grieving may not be so obvious.

Take time to grieve.

Quit things, start new things, do nothing. Cry, yell, sit in silence. Journal, go for walks, hang out with a trusted friend. Do whatever it is you need to do when you experience loss. Feel it. Move through it. Let yourself grieve.

Who cares what other people think. 

Their thoughts and perceptions are probably not even accurate! They come from their own perspective and experiences. They are living their life, not yours. Other people do not understand. That does not invalidate your experience or what you need to do.

Once again, Tom Petty said it better than I ever could.

July 4th Anniversaries

I want you to choose yourself.

I want you to fiercely protect your peace.

I want you to pursue what inspires and nourishes you.

Infertility changed me.

Being childless-not-by-choice changed me.

The pandemic changed me.

2024 alone changed me.

Pic from SelfLoveRainbow

We have ONE LIFE.

(Thank you Tom Petty!)

Pic retrieved from this tribute post

I've shared that I hit extreme burnout last year. It was awful. I took the whole month of December off. I went to work and that was it. No meetings, no appointments, no traveling. I went to the grocery store and checked the mail. I did the bare minimum.

Then I spent the first 6 months of 2025 following through but not adding anything. I went to work. I went to appointments. I finished a quilt top, the hardest one I've sewn so far! And I am so close to finishing the draft of my research article that is good enough to submit for publication. (If accepted, I will get it back with lots of edits to make. But I want to submit the best work I can.)

I feel sooo much better. There are physical signs. Instead of sleeping 10-12 hours a night, I am sleeping 8-9 hours a night. There are emotional signs. When I feel stressed, I can breathe and talk myself through it instead of falling apart or shutting down. There are spiritual signs. I feel more connected to something bigger than me. I refuse to give up. I will continue living my little life sharing the light I have with everyone that comes into my orbit.

*****

July 4th.
Yesterday was a contrast in anniversaries. 

One year ago yesterday I received a phone call from my niece where she was unexpectedly and very shockingly rude, hateful, and condescending to me. When I shared a little about that phone call with other close family members, nobody reacted much. I had to explain why what she said and did was so wrong. It changed everything. It was/is very, very hard for me. I still think about it often. I give myself grace. We navigate and manage what comes our way the best way we can in the moment.

On the other hand, four years ago yesterday my boyfriend and I moved into our home. If we are still at this address next year, it will be the longest I've ever lived anywhere in my life. I cannot describe the feelings that my home gives me, but... I bought this house for the life I have now. I never planned on or even imagined raising children here. And logistically, I haven't had to change my address for the last four years. I haven't had to shut off and start up a bunch of different utilities and services. I haven't had to pack up everything and move it. 

I've been allowed to just be.

I want that for you. Prioritize your well-being.

I'll leave you with another July 4th anniversary.
Six years ago I wrote this post: The Cost of My Freedom

Pic retrieved from Ontario Science Centre

Six Month Check-In

It's been almost six months since I took the month of December off and did as little as possible. After a very, very hard year that followed a very tough 10+ year period, I was not well. I was physically exhausted in a way that required extended rest. I pretty much just went to work and came home to my recliner. It wasn't a party. It was necessary.

I was reminded of this when I finally started watching the documentary Simone Biles Rising last weekend. The short series started out with footage from the Tokyo Olympics where she had the twisties and could not safely compete. She said our bodies and minds can only take so much before we break. It's an important reminder to listen to ourselves.

"We have to protect our mind and body,

rather than just go out there and do what the world wants us to do."

-Simone Biles

I experienced major burnout last year. The symptoms were physical, emotional, psychological, spiritual, you name it--it affected me. I felt like I was going to break. I felt like either my body or my brain was going to give out or maybe both. I had to conserve as much energy as possible.

So for the whole month of December I did as little as possible. I went to work and I rested. I did not travel for the holidays. I did not pick up any extra shifts at work. I did not make any appointments or attend any meetings. I kept myself fed and I slept a lot. I managed to sew the monthly quilt block for my sew along group but only because I wanted to.

In January I had the opportunity to work more shifts so I did. I also scheduled some necessary home repairs. And I continued to rest, which meant missing a lot of fun stuff, but I knew I wasn't going to feel better until I took an extended period to do less.

I finally found some routines and rhythm to my life by the spring. I noticed I was feeling better.

Over the last several years, I've made a conscious effort to learn more about boundaries. During my recovery from burnout, I was able to practice a lot of what I've learned. Boundaries are magical. You learn what they are, why they're necessary, and how to have them, and it's a total game changer! You feel lighter, more at ease. Of course, you have to do the work to get there...

But daaang, is it worth it.

So I have spent the last six months recovering, and I feel A TON better. I'm still not at 100% and I'm starting to realize, with age and experience, that my "100%" may have changed too.

And I'm fine with that.

Life is a lot. There is a lot to do. A lot to deal with, a lot to manage, a lot to maintain. It can be easier or harder by yourself, in partnerships, and/or in communities. There's just no easy way. 

But if you've been going too hard for too long, examine where you can do less. Prioritize what's most important (e.g., your annual checkups) and leave the rest for the fall or even next year. 

Take a season to do less. Eat, sleep, and hydrate daily. Go to work and do something you enjoy weekly. If possible, don't schedule more than one or two errands or appointments a day. Is there a whole day of the week where you can just be at home, take out the trash, clean out the fridge, and do some dishes and laundry? Can you put on your favorite movie or music while you do this? Throw some ingredients in a slow cooker and let the smell of a home cooked meal comfort you.

Rest. Recover. Restore. That's what I've been doing. I don't want to break this early on. 

I want to feel good and be well! I've got things I want to do!

Image above by Self-Love Rainbow

Important Annual Exams

Here's your friendly reminder to get your annual exams done. 

I got a mammogram earlier this week. I scheduled it back in January after my annual exam. I don't like doctor's appointments (who does?), but they're important. Early detection can affect the prognosis. Mammograms are kind of awkward, but all of my experiences have been very positive. The technicians have all been nice, friendly, gentle, and knowledgeable women. It doesn't hurt. You just make the appointment, go to it, and then you're done. 

I've had a couple of follow-up ultrasounds, which made me nervous of course. But it's good to get stuff checked out. Modern medicine knows how to take care of so many things now. 

Go ahead and take care of yourself.

I'm also due for my first colonoscopy. I will make that appointment, but one thing at a time. 

I get overwhelmed medically somewhat easily. I've always been a nervous patient and then infertility didn't help. But whenever I'm nervous or scared, I remember what all I've survived. 

Then, I still feel nervous or scared, but I do it anyway. :)

Picture retrieved from istockphoto.com

The Importance of Rest & Friendship

For the first time during the duration of this blog, I feel caught up on sleep! Finally, I am not physically tired. However, I am still tired... 

I picture myself as a video game character with a health meter. After the last 15 years I've had, my health meter has shrunk. It's only 6 hearts as opposed to 10. As in, my capacity has decreased over time. I want to expand my capacity back to what it was, but that will take time. Or maybe, this is how it is now. Time will tell. 

All I can do is my part to take care of myself, which is a tall order these days. Current events are awful and that's an understatement. The price of everything keeps going up while my paycheck stays the same. I am still feeling hurt from events with my family from last year. I also hit the ground running in January because I'm sick of thinking about all of the home repairs that need to be done and I'm finally dealing with them all.

So I'm glad I'm not physically tired, but I still require a lot of rest.  

Rest to restore. It's my theme.

I'm thankful for friends, for the people that really see me and know me. It's invaluable to have people in my life that acknowledge what I've been through, are proud of me, and cheer me on.

It goes both ways too. I helped a friend with a stressful move a couple of weekends ago. I showed up on a Sunday and we loaded up my car and the truck she borrowed from work. It was a move out of necessity, not a move to be excited about. But I was thankful I could show up for her. She's a good friend, she asked for help, and I could give it. Although the circumstances were not ideal, I was thankful for an opportunity to be a friend to her. She and I are both trying to build community in our lives.

And then Elaine sent me the image below. I felt seen, and I felt known. 

Take the time to rest. Make the time for friends.

Drawing by Charlie Mackesy

From Rest to Routines

Well, here we are. 2025. Let's see what happens.

As I've already written here, I hit extreme burnout midway through last year. Then I wrote a post called From Burnout to Boundaries where I thought out loud about how I was gonna deal with the burnout. I planned to follow through with my commitments, not make any more, and rest as much as possible for the rest of the year. 

And that's what I did.
And now the year of 2024 is done.
And, to be quite honest, I don't feel totally ready for a new year.

Oh well.

As sad and depleted as I was, I still really liked the resting phase of my burnout recovery. It's easy for me to rest. I can be productive, but I'm also really good at being lazy. I can watch tv, read, or sew by hand in the comfort of my recliner for hours. With a cozy quilt on me of course. And now that we have my boyfriend's son's cat temporarily, with a cat on my lap too. It's heaven.

But just like we can't work all of the time, we can't rest all of the time either. Life requires both. So I'm looking out at a brand new year and thinking... What do I want to do without doing too much? 

For the first time in my life, I am not working toward something. I am not trying to graduate, get a job, find a husband, or have kids. I am not trying to recover from grief, study for a new career, move out of state, get divorced, or find stable housing. I am not even enduring a pandemic anymore, just living in a post-pandemic world. 

I can maintain.

That's all I have to do.

Take care of myself. Take care of my home. Take care of my relationships.

So the next phase of my recovery from extreme burnout is to establish new routines for myself. 

I am keeping this very loose. There are no hard and fast rules or parameters. I know what I want to do this year (pay my bills, exercise regularly, and sew) and I know how I want to feel (calm, nourished, and content), so that's what I'm going to remind myself as I add in little things to my days. I'm already making it a habit to eat breakfast in the mornings instead of waiting until lunch. That helps me feel better overall. I've practiced very light yoga at home for 15 minutes a couple of times this year. That always helps me feel better too. I guess it's good to be a hedonist, haha. I'm motivated by feeling good so I feel confident I'll create some new routines for myself this year.

I don't know if my recovery process is helpful to you or not. Just sharing in case it is. 

I've recovered from so much. The loss of my children, my marriage, and how I thought life was going to go. It was overwhelming, and the recovery continues. Now I'm recovering from burnout.

Phoenix's Formula (so far) for Recovering from Burnout:

1. Recognize burnout.

2. Stop adding anything new.

3. Rest when you can for as long as you can.

4. Establish new routines slowly.

5. To be figured out...

And always, always, always, make time to do the things that you enjoy. 

This is my boyfriend's son's cat. He is a total goofball. 

He has a big personality and I am loving every minute that he is at our home.

I love this week.

This week is exactly what I needed after the year I had. 

In July I realized I was doing too much. I was overworked and underpaid, got my heart broken by my family, and knew I was completely maxed out. It still took me six months to follow through with my commitments and pare down my schedule. Now that I've done that, it is crucial that I don't automatically load my schedule back up.

I did some serious journaling this weekend. I reflected on 2024 in a very thorough way so I don't have to revisit it repeatedly. I culled all of the lessons and bits of gratitude that I could, and I am moving further away from the toxic situations that I left. With every passing day, all of that negativity gets further in my past.

For the last several years I've developed a good practice of asking myself "What do I want?" and "What do I need?" When you are used to taking care of everyone else (my mother's feelings, my students' problems, my patients' needs), it can take awhile to be able to answer those questions for yourself. You may have to just sit with the questions for some time before any answers arrive.

This year I am adding a third question to ask myself: "Is this my problem?" I think it's genius! I think asking and answering this question for myself will save me so much time and energy!! I'm excited and relieved to have thought of this. 

Sooo many things aren't our problems. We didn't cause them, and we can't fix them. And really, we don't have to pay attention to them. Easier said than done. Just practice.

Free yourself.

So, yes, I love this week. The week between Xmas and the New Year. Where the country slows down for once, at least a little bit. Where I can cocoon and snuggle and hibernate, thinking and reflecting. And then also not thinking at all, just resting. In my world, this week is quiet. Still. Cozy. Peaceful.

It's my favorite week to be honest. It's the final lap of the year. Enjoy it.

This picture has nothing to do with anything, haha. 

It's a pair of stuffed animals, a chip and a bowl of salsa, that I bought for our home. They're magnetic and stick together. They are part of a "Better Together" series by Hallmark, and I thought they were perfect for my boyfriend and me this year. 💚

If you're interested, here is the self-care planner that I'm trying out this year. 

You can buy a digital version or a printed copy. I've used the same planner (with an annual refill, obviously) for 20 years, but this year I needed a change. My old planner breaks each day down by the hour with margins for daily lists, but I don't want to be that busy anymore. I have done enough. Plus, this colorful planner has good ideas and journal prompts. 

It just makes me happy. 💜

Not Traveling for the Holidays

I'm not traveling for the holidays this year.

In 2016 I missed celebrating the holidays with my family for the first time ever. After enduring several painful holidays during infertility (including one where I traveled with my IVF medications), I finally realized that traveling for the holidays was exactly what I DIDN'T need and stayed home. It sucked and I was sad, but I still knew I was picking the least painful of my options. 

I didn't travel in 2017 either. Because of infertility.

In 2018 I went to my parents' home for the holidays and had a wonderful time with everyone.

In 2019 I missed the holidays with my family again when I was busy rebuilding my life and working two professional jobs in a different state. I was working five days a week teaching middle school and working the weekends at the hospital. I didn't have time to travel. I didn't have time for anything except to get myself established in my new state.

In 2020 there was the pandemic so, once again, I didn't travel to see my family for the holidays. 

I traveled in 2021, but I was terrified. Despite being vaccinated and masked, it took a lot for me to board a plane and spend time with loved ones from multiple households (especially knowing that nobody else was masking anymore). I was the only person in a mask all weekend and it was tough. But it was still good to see everyone.

I traveled for the holidays in 2022 and 2023 and had a grand ol' time.

This year I'm not. I'm not traveling for the holidays again, but it has nothing to do with infertility or the pandemic. I am flat out tired. I took nine trips this year, and I don't even like to travel. I'm grateful for the opportunities. I got to visit my best friend from college and meet her kids. I got to present my research at five different conferences. I saw my parents several times throughout the year. It was all great. I'm just tired.

And so I am done. For 2024. Hahaha. But seriously... 

I'm done with meetings and commitments and commuting. I am definitely done traveling. I warned my family when I saw some of them a couple of weeks ago that I was not going to be traveling anymore this year. We already have time planned together in February so I reminded them of that. My parents and older sister seemed to understand, and I appreciated it. It always feels good to feel understood, even if that feeling is somewhat foreign.

What do YOU need? 

What do you WANT?

They are seemingly simple questions but can be deceptively difficult to answer.

Just put those questions in the back of your mind.
Let them simmer. Let the answers come to you. You don't have to work for them.

I give you permission to rest. You have done enough.

The pictures above are all accurate depictions of me. 😂
They were all found in the public domain by searching "relaxing at home clip art" for images, and they represent my plans for the rest of the year: eating, sleeping, and sewing. Also, I recently found a video game that I really like (first one since, like, 1992!) so I'll be playing that too. And slowly but surely, I'll organize my house. But that's all fun for me. Of course I'll have to go to work too. But that's my only responsibility. Oh and a dentist appointment for a cleaning.
Anyway, I digress...  Do what you want to do.

Extreme Burnout

For the duration of this blog (8 years next month!), I have written about how tired I am.

You know my story...

Infertility, failed treatments, and realizing I won't be raising kids in this lifetime wiped me out. For a couple of years I didn't do much. I volunteered Wednesday mornings and went out to dinner with my husband every Friday night. I wasn't working because I assumed that I would eventually get pregnant. I wasn't socializing because all of my friends were getting pregnant and having kids. I was too anxious and depressed to actually enjoy doing anything, so I wasn't doing anything for fun. At least I had my dog at the time.

Then I decided, since I couldn't have kids, I was going to have to completely change my life or resign myself to always feeling like walking death. From the house we bought to my chosen profession of teaching, every major decision I had made in life was structured around having children. But I didn't have children, so the life I had created did not make sense. In fact, it hurt me deeply in every waking moment. Grief is exhausting, especially disenfranchised grief because it's so isolating.

I decided to sell the house I bought for my children, go back to school to change careers, and move out of state. I did all of that and then got divorced. Everything was exhausting. I also kept moving in search of a place where I wanted to live. Then the pandemic hit. 

Throw in more school (a privilege but still stressful) and several more job changes due to hazardous conditions at one place, an untrustworthy co-worker at another place, and being grossly underpaid at the last place...

I have been very tired for a very, very long time.

And I think I have reached my limit.

I tried giving myself a three-month sabbatical several years ago. It helped at the time but not overall. So now I am just following through with what I've already said I'd do and not committing to anything new.

I went out of town the last two weekends. One was a quick but stressful overnight family trip. The other was a days-long professional conference. Then this week, despite getting enough sleep every night, I have felt sick. Waves of nausea come and go throughout the day. I am worn out.

Infertility took so much from me. It is more than losing my kids and not getting to be a mom. It's also all the time lost to fear, anxiety, stress, depression, and exhaustion. It's the arduous recovery from the whole experience. It's the picking up the pieces of what's left and figuring out what to do with myself instead... and then actually doing it. I HAD to get up every day and do the things that I needed to do to get to where I am now. Nobody else could do it for me. But damn it was hard and I am still so, so tired.

I am trying to renew my health. I have exercised once a week for the last three weeks. That's not a lot, but it's a start. I am about to begin a new sew-along for a new quilt, and that community is fun. The season is changing and I love the fall and winter. I will feel better in time, but it is going to take an extended period of decreased demands on myself.

I am grateful I am in a good place. I like myself and I like where I am. But damn, I can just barely deal with life anymore. I am doing the bare minimum and giving myself a lot of grace. 

It's been a long 12 years.

Take good care of yourself.

I like to color. It's calming, and it requires no thought or precision. 

You don't even have to stay in the lines if you don't want to.

Finally Resting

I am getting so excited. I get to share my research about involuntary childlessness later this month. I'm nervous too, but mostly excited. If just one person stops by my poster to ask about my research, I will be so happy. My presentation handout has been submitted, and I have my poster printed and ready to go. One of my professors recommended getting a fabric poster, and I'm so glad she did. It will be easier to carry on the plane. I'll share next month how it goes!

That's pretty much all that is on my mind. 

Other than that, I'll be honest, I am enjoying living alone so far. It gives me the space for the rest that I desperately need. I'm going to work, paying the bills, doing the dishes and laundry, cooking a little bit, eating delicious leftovers, and doing something social every week. I will figure out how to add housecleaning and exercising to my routine as well.

Other than that, I am resting. 

Radically resting. 

Profoundly resting. 

When my last round of IVF did not result in pregnancy, I felt an extreme urgency to figure something else out for my life. I had planned on being a mother for 35 years, but then I had to completely switch gears, think of something else, and make it happen. And I felt this strange urge to start THEN. Not wait until I felt better. Not wait a minute longer. 

And I never stopped. I just kept going. 

And now I am resting. I'm equally tired and grateful. I have my home. I get along with my family and see them several times a year. I like where I live and what I do for work. I've got hobbies and interests. I've even made some new friends over the last year. I'm part of a professional association and a monthly social group. And I'm not making any more commitments than that. 

My life is so full. 

But for so long, my life felt so empty...
It began with empty arms and spread to my very existence.

I am glad to be on this side of things now. Eternally grateful.
There is always the other side to things... Keep moving through it.

And be sure to rest.

For me, resting looks like this: giving myself permission to do less, making warm tasty food at home, taking baths, taking naps, sewing, reading a book or magazine, looking out the window, taking slow deep breaths, relaxing my shoulders, and telling myself that I'm proud of myself. 

How do you rest?

My Stuff: A Saga Update

I spent last Friday night and all of Saturday moving stuff out of the closet in my bedroom. It wasn't a functional closet. It was a storage space. But I ordered a closet organizer that should be here by the end of the month, so I moved everything out. I'm excited about eventually hanging up and organizing my clothes. I haven't had a functional closet in five years. 

It's the little things that make life easier overall. It's the little things that are the big things.

Dealing with my stuff has been quite a process for me. I've written about it a lot.

Facing My Stuff in May 2017

Facing My Stuff, Part II in November 2017

Facing My Stuff, Part III in May 2018

Skip ahead four years...

The Great Purge Has Begun in July 2022

When Cleaning Is Hard in July 2022

Unpacking Is Emotional in September 2022

Unpacking My Life in November 2022

And then most recently...

Blue Moon in September 2023

Yeah... It's really been a thing for me.

But this past weekend, as I stood in the small side room attached to my bedroom, I stopped and appreciated the moment. I had gone from a medium-sized two-story, four-bedroom house that I bought for my children and was fully decorating and filling with stuff to a small single-story, two-bedroom house that only has one little side/sunroom serving as storage (temporarily). 

Progress!

Ok, yes, I recently rented a storage space. But it's only a closet, not a huge unit. It's holding my tubs of keepsakes, holiday decorations, and seasonal gear. I don't plan on having it forever. But it freed up some space so I could play Tetris with the rest of the stuff in my house.

And after this past weekend, I am one step closer to being decluttered and organized.

I've leveled up, hahaha.

(I'm still giving myself until January 2025 to get completely decluttered. Realistic goals are more important to me so I don't feel bad when I fail to meet the unrealistic goals.)

But, daaang, what an emotional process dealing with my stuff has been!

I've read a lot of what I call "junk food articles" about decluttering and organizing. You know, those short articles that often have lists... They're easy to skim and get new ideas. And today I came across this gem: Decluttering and Self-Acceptance and How They Benefit Each Other.

Enjoy! And go easy on yourself. It's all a process.

Tetris! Several weeks ago I cleaned out my mud room. It's no longer a maze of boxes and random things where you're forced to stay on a narrow path. It's now an open space with a bench where I can sit and put on my shoes. Again, it's the little things... that are the big things! 💜

Your Friendly Reminder To Do What You Want

I finally had some days off last week. I spent them running errands and going to medical appointments. I have some days off this week too. I am spending them doing what I feel like. Sewing, sleeping, watching tv. My house needs cleaning and decluttering, but I am very tired.

I will admit that I rented a storage unit. I accept that I'm keeping too many keepsakes, tea cups, and framed things, but I'm not ready to purge any of them yet. So yesterday I got a small storage closet to get them out of my house. But today it's raining so I'm not going to move anything.

I am resting instead.

We have all been through so much in the last couple of years, and that was on top of what we'd already been through before that. It's a hell of a lot. It's demanding. It's exhausting. It's hard on our bodies, our minds, our hearts, and our souls.  

How can you give yourself a break? What demands can you decrease or set down altogether? Where in your day or week can you give yourself some time to do nothing? 

The bills don't stop coming and neither does the bad news.
How can we shift our thinking so that we see and recognize the good stuff too? 

Like, I get aggravated with how much utilities cost, but I also love having indoor plumbing in my home. Going to the grocery store stresses me out, but I'm glad I have access to food. I don't say these things in a flippant way, and cultivating gratitude for all of the little/big things in life doesn't solely sustain me. But it does help me. So I'm sharing in case it helps you. 

Our brains are hardwired to hold on to the bad information. It's a protective action. I've had to put in a lot of work over the decades to learn how to see and recognize the good. It doesn't dismiss or absolve the bad, but it does help balance it out.

The loss of motherhood was more than the loss of my lifelong dream and my primal yearning to raise and nurture little humans in my home as they grew to be adults. It was also the loss of societal roles, normative routines, and expected milestones. It was the loss of a life that was completed structured around having children. It was the loss of relationships with family and friends as every single one of them changed. It was the loss of connection with others. It was the loss of connection with myself. It was the loss of who I was and who I thought I'd be. 

And then we all endure a pandemic? One that never really ended, it just wore us down as we adapted to this neurological virus becoming endemic.

Moving sucks. Finding a job and place to live. Packing, moving, closing down accounts, opening new accounts, changing your address on everything, learning your new town and neighborhood, meeting people, finding a place for yourself... It all takes years. And so many of us move so often. It sucks. It really sucks.

Divorce sucks. Changing your name back sucks. Even when it's "easy," it still completely sucks. It's the end of a relationship that you thought would be there forever. It shook my foundation, my sense of security. It was also freeing because I was so painfully lonely. But it still sucked. I don't ever, ever want to get divorced again.

Working a job you hate sucks. But how else are we going to buy our milk, coffee, fabric, car insurance, and rent/mortgage? I'm extremely thankful that I like what I do at my job. I worked hard to find something I liked and was good at. But not everyone gets that chance. 

It's a lot. It's a lot of stress. For anyone. And for so many of us, we are navigating it all under a thick blanket of disenfranchised grief. It can make everything heavier and harder. 

What can you quit? 

I'm a big fan of quitting. I'm countercultural like that. If it sucks, I quit. My parents used to worry that I'd had so many jobs, but now all of my experiences are such a benefit to my career. I've worked in multiple industries with all ages in all settings, and the skills are transferrable. I quit law school. I quit my marriage. I quit infertility treatments. If it's not good for us, we should quit. 

Life is too short.

Can you do less? Can you rest? Can you go to bed earlier and/or get up later?

What do you do to get in the flow? 

You deserve to enjoy your life.

(Artwork above found here for sale.)

(And listen to the song Enjoy Yourself, It's Later Than You Think here.)

The Importance of Rest

The last week of March always feels so hard and heavy, like there's an invisible hand pushing me down and I'm moving through molasses. I think part of it is the anniversary of my last IVF and all of the trauma that comes with that, but I think another part of it is the first three months of the new year and the ending of winter combined with the time change. 

To put it simply, (for me anyway) the last week of March feels brutal.

So.

Allow me to talk about the importance of rest.

In an overscheduled society that is always going on and on about "self-care" but doesn't actually do anything to make self-care anything other than another scheduled item on a To Do list, we have to make time to do nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

Sit there in a chair or on a couch. Sit on the floor or stand in the middle of your kitchen. Lie down in your living room or sit in the bathtub. Sit there, stand there, lie there. Whatever you choose, just make sure and do nothing while you're doing it.  

As your mind inevitably starts to think about something (your To Do list, your most recent inner conflict, your stressors of the day), redirect your thoughts to nothing. 

Tell yourself: "Yes, yes, there goes my brain, always thinking... But I don't have to follow it."

Picture your thoughts packed in a suitcase that you're carrying. Set that suitcase down for a few minutes. You can come back for it later. Or not.

Come up with a resting place for your brain. I picture a bench and rest my brain there. Maybe you're a beach person or a mountain person or a field person. Picture your brain and body doing nothing wherever feels peaceful to you.

It's not an easy practice. We are used to going, going, going. Thinking, thinking, thinking. Doing, doing, doing. It takes practice to do nothing.

But rest is different from sleep. We need both. 

Our health depends on it.

Permission To Quit

In today's go-go-go, never-give-up world, I love it when I hear a message that it's ok to quit.

I started a new, ambitious project. I started a Grandmother's Flower Garden quilt. I want to hand sew the entire quilt top, and then I want to hand quilt it when I am done. This might take me twenty years to finish, lolol. That's okay with me. I've got the time. I'll just work on it off and on, in between all of the other things I want to make.

Last week the fabric shop near me was having a sale, so I went to pick out some fabric for my flowers. I don't really know anyone here, so it was extremely nice to run into two familiar faces from my monthly quilt group at the shop. I had brought a couple of flowers I made to match the colors, so I showed them. They are both experienced quilters and complimented me on what I'd done well and gave me tips as I make progress on this project.

Then one of the women said the best thing. She said, "And you know, if one day you are just done with sewing these flowers and you don't want to make even one more, they are great for applique. You don't have to finish the quilt."

I loved that woman in that moment. She recognized my enthusiasm, encouraged it, and also spoke from experience when she shared that I'm allowed to change my mind about the project.

It's a message we all rarely hear, and it was music to my ears. Of course, I still want to make all of these flowers and sew them together and make a Grandmother's Flower Garden quilt. 

But, I don't have to.

She gave me permission to quit. :)