I am running on fumes. Yes, I write a lot that I'm tired. That's because I'm tired. And have been for a very long time. But I feel like I might have finally set myself up for awhile, and very soon I will get to just live my life and take a break from almost constant upheaval. We'll see.
I bought a house. It needs repairs. I'm scheduling and coordinating all that while working full-time. How does anyone get anything done? What is this world that we have created? I keep thinking how dumb and impossible it all is.
I'm usually pretty positive. But I'm also very real.
This is bullshit.
But anyway. We go on. This is what we have. This is the reality in which we live.
I am extremely grateful for the ability to buy a house. I sold my old one in June and bought a new one (to me) in July. I'll move after the repairs are done. Whenever that is. I can't really plan. I'm living hour by hour.
Tomorrow starts another week of work. I rested this weekend. Did as little as possible and was pretty successful at it. Sewed a little. Slept a lot. Went grocery shopping and somehow managed to get laundry done. How am I functioning?
I'm taking some PTO in a couple of weeks. I'm not going to do anything. Well, I might move. I might not. I don't know. But I'm going to think a whole lot less. I will eat, sleep, and sew.
So, yes, I am drained.
But it's not just exhaustion. Something has changed with me. It has to be hormonal. Because I have changed on a fundamental level. After a lifetime of feeling an overwhelming amount of nurturing and maternal tendencies... I don't have them anymore. I mean, I still care. I still work in a caregiving profession. And I'm good at it. But I am changed. I can tell. I honor the primal yearning I used to have to raise my children, but I definitely no longer feel that way about other people's children. It has to be hormonal. The feelings have drained out of me over the last year.
I'm also bigger, and my metabolism has slowed down. I have less energy and more gray hairs with every passing day. I'm changing. We always are. But this is big. And interesting. I'm approaching it with curiosity.
So, yeah, I'm drained. But I'm also different. It feels unfamiliar, but I welcome it.
Congrats on the house! I'm glad you're taking PTO to do nothing (or move) which is definitely something to look forward to! Fascinating about the hormones... I feel similarly! Although I also started the estrogen patch a few weeks ago and so I feel better but am also still tired, larger, and funny have that desire pull for a baby. But less hot flashes and anxiety! Good luck with the repairs, hopefully the new house gets all fixed up and ready for you when you want to move in.
ReplyDeleteAlso congratulations on the house! Agree with the hormonal changes. But I also feel as if our brains take a while to accept the reprogramming that it is okay to accept our lives without children. And when that kicks in, so much of the pain, the desire, goes. Maybe it's just my way of explaining the hormones too.
ReplyDeleteI'm very aware at the moment of the need to take care of ourselves. So much of life (and death) is exhausting. We don't do ourselves any favours if we do not rest, listen to our bodies (and brains) about what they need. Sending hugs.
Congratulations on the house! That said, moving and all the stuff that comes along with it is exhausting, nevermind everything else you've been dealing with right now. Hope you can take some down time for yourself along the way!
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