I cannot get really close to other people's children. The first two times I learned this lesson it hurt really bad. Now I'm learning it for a third time. It sucks, but it's softened because of my previous experience. I can enjoy others' kids, but they'll never be mine. They will never think to call me with good news. They will never think to call me with bad news. They will never think to call me.
Part of this is sad. Part of this is reality. It's just the way it is.
The first time I got hurt was a long time ago. I had just stopped trying to conceive, sold my children's house, and gone back to school. I wasn't invited to a friend's kid's 6th birthday party when I had been invited to everything else previously. I had already bought the birthday presents. Then I saw the pictures of the birthday party on social media. I wasn't invited. I was crushed.
The second time I got hurt was by my niece. It only happened two years ago. She's grown. An adult. But she was mean to me. So unnecessarily mean. I was blindsided. I never wrote about it and probably never will. Maybe I shouldn't have assumed we were as close as I thought we were, but I did. Not anymore. Now I know. Being an aunt doesn't guarantee an awesome relationship.
And, most recently, another person was in my life that I really cared about. Someone else's kid. Everything seemed fine until last week. Now I don't know what was real and what was fake. I choose to hold on to my good memories. I give myself grace while I process the rest.
It's okay to love people. It's important to love people. But love makes us vulnerable, and sometimes we get hurt. We feel our feelings, learn our lessons, get back up, and go on.
I'm not mad at myself for being sensitive, but I want to be more careful with myself in the future.
I am so sorry you were hurt again. I do hope you can eventually let go of the pain and move onto something more beautiful and deserving of your love.
ReplyDeleteThank you. I really appreciate your comment. <3
DeleteI'm moving through this pretty quickly. It sucked and it still sucks, but I'm also on the other side of it already. It only took me a week to process. Honestly, I'm so tired overall that it makes it easier to just drop these deadweight feelings. I'll pour my love into myself and other people and things that are reciprocal.
Dear Phoenix, I am so sorry that your love was not valued and respected in the way you deserve it, and especially that you were hurt several times.
ReplyDeleteI do admire you for your courage and openness. I have never been close to other people's children. Not even to my godchildren or nieces/nephews, even though I try to be a good godmother and a caring aunt. Sometimes it makes me sad. Reading this, I wonder whether I am subconsciously protecting myself though...
Sending hugs!
The first situation wouldn't hurt me these days at all. It hurt then because of where I was in my head and heart at that time. But the other two situations... I'll admit, really hurt, especially from a childless not-by-choice perspective.
DeleteI don't anticipate repeating the situation though. I like how you put it. I think my subconscious will protect me in the future.
Oh, no. This sounds so painful. I'm sorry these people have been unkind and made you question what the relationship ever really was. I think you're right to be protective of your heart, and it sucks that people took advantage of just how big your heart is. I think sensitivity is a positive trait, and while it sucks when it blows up in your face, having a really generous heart is a good thing too. Oh, that blows. Sending you love.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Jess. It sucks to get hurt, but I suppose it's part of the human experience. I process much quicker these days, and I appreciate that. (Writing helps.) My most recent experience is already in my rearview mirror. I've got better things to think about.
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