Abundance even when it doesn't feel like it

We all know that there is only so much we can take. At some point (mentally, physically, emotionally, socially, existentially, etc.), we reach our limit. Hit the ceiling. Max out our capacity. 

A couple of weeks ago I was feeling cranky and said so to a co-worker. She immediately suggested I take a day of PTO (paid time off). She even suggested putting in for a day that was right before my alternate day off. (I work 9-hour days so I can have one day off every other week. That alternate day off saves me.) Brilliant! I did as instructed, haha.

So my day of PTO was last week. When I first scheduled it, I planned on unpacking. Then, as it got closer, I thought I'd use the day to take care of two tasks that I've been dragging out and that have been weighing on my mind. Friends, I used the day to sleep. I got 12 hours of sleep the night before, and I took a 3 - 4 hour nap that day. I know I can sleep a lot, but that is not normal. 

I realized: I am depressed. Like, actually, low grade clinical depression. It makes sense if I consider the last year. The last 15 years.

So here I am again. Run down. Again. Low energy, low mood, inability to focus. Sleeping a lot. Seriously, it feels like all I've been doing is working and sleeping. But, hey, I have a job I like and I also feel rested after I sleep so there's that. Those are not small things.

It's just so much. 

The demands of life. The cost of living. The constraints on our time. The changing social norms.

It's a lot.

I see it in everyone. I feel it in myself.

I reached out to my best friend. I texted her and said I was depressed. She texted me back and said she was so tired of doing all of the things she has to do. She said she was prioritizing doing things that made her happy. And then she sent me a pic of some amazing gumbo she and her husband had just made. Oh man, I wanted some of that gumbo so bad.

She's right. I know I've been out of balance for a long time. Some time periods are like that.

But I have to start doing more of what makes me happy. 

My mental health depends on it.

(Picture and recipe for bread cornucopia found here)

I stress about not having enough when I can shift my perspective to see how much I have.

Energy, interests, employment, pets, love...

My ideas for what I can do more of that makes me happy:

sew

go for a walk
have dinner with a friend

read a book or magazine

try a yoga class (I haven't been to one since I moved here)

cook with my boyfriend

color

What are your ideas? What can you do more of that makes you happy?