Too Much Upheaval

I've been struggling for the last couple of weeks. Everything feels harder and my mood has dipped. I'm SO GLAD I moved, but I really underestimated how difficult it was going to be. That's probably a good thing. I already knew it was going to be hard. I didn't need to know how hard it was going to be before it even started. 

I will most likely move again. Our lease is up in 7 months. I like our rental property, but I can't afford to buy it and complete the upgrades it needs. Plus, it's not for sale. 

But hopefully, I won't move states again. In all honesty, I'm running out of places to move to. However, I am willing to move out of the country if any of my international readers need a caregiver. Just throwing that idea out into the universe! ;)

Infertility devastated me. I had planned to be a mom my whole life. I organized my whole life around it. Rebuilding my existence as a divorced, childless woman has been extremely hard. It felt almost impossible. Seven and eleven years later (that's the divorce and ending fertility treatments, respectively), I'm feel like I'm still picking up the pieces. I'm just so tired. 

I can't seem to figure out how to do all of the things I need and want to do: work full-time, cook good food, clean the house, sleep enough, exercise, explore my new area, make new friends, and sew. Right now I am working full-time and sleeping enough so that's good. But I want to fit in the other stuff too.

I am overweight. I do not feel comfortable in my body. Even if I do not lose any weight (that number is just the measure of our gravitational pull toward Earth anyway), I want to feel better and have more endurance. I'm convinced exercise is the missing ingredient in my life, but I haven't started doing it before work (too early!), after work (too tired!), or on the weekends (I just want a break!). 

I'm in a funk. And it makes total sense. I'm perimenopausal. I just moved halfway across the country. I started a new job where I am creating a new department and program for a large organization. I am still profoundly sad by the words and actions of my family of origin throughout my life. Current events are gravely misaligned with my values. And everything is getting so damn expensive. It's hard!

It has been so, so hard to rebuild my life after going full force in one direction for thirty-five years. Infertility was traumatic. Divorce was sad too. Not to mention, getting divorced completely changed my financial situation and I will most likely never be financially comfortable like that again. However, my peace of mind and sense of self are priceless. I'll admit I often feel frustrated financially, but I have no regrets about choosing my spirit and happiness over financial comfort.

This is another rambling post. But I cried three times last week. All short. All healthy releases. I just needed to admit to myself that the move has been hard. The new awesome job has been hard. My family is hard. The sociopolitical climate is hard. Hell, the actual climate is hard.

I am fighting depression. I am tired, but I am fighting anyway. I use the word "fight" generously. I am not "fighting hard." I am doing as little as possible, ha. I'm taking things down a notch. Again. Instead of cooking this week, I might just get healthy take-out salads for dinner. Instead of loading up my errands and chores in an effort to get stuff done, this week I'm going to take it easy. Do less. Just go to work and come home. And tell myself "fuck it" when I start thinking I should do this or I should do that. There's a time and a place for that mentality, but that is not what I need. Not this week. Not today, Satan.

I'm gonna make myself go for a walk though. For 5 - 10 minutes. Just a little something. Movement and fresh air. I don't know when... Before work? After work? On the weekend? But I'll report back that I did it. I'm going to hold myself accountable. I'm in that stage between having a low mood and being depressed, and if I don't do something differently, it will be harder to get out of it. I know this. I've been here before. 

I searched online for "fabric mess" and found this picture here. I thought a picture like that could be a relatable picture of upheaval for me. It also reminds me that great things come from creative messes. We don't create awesome new things from staying the same. 

Disenfranchised Grief

Hello friends. How are you doing? I am up and down. I know that's life. But it feels more intense this year compared to others. It's different. It's scary. It's sad. My heart aches for myself, and my heart aches for everyone. It doesn't have to be like this, but here we are.

I can't talk about it all of the time, but I have to acknowledge it occasionally. Times are weird. Things are not normal. Not the norms that we grew up with.

I miss a lot of things. I miss landlines and human decency. I miss the more distinct division between the days as opposed to this ongoing 24/7 stream of news and emails and expectations from others. I miss affordable gas, groceries, and housing. I miss the illusion of stability that I used to have. 

None of that is uplifting.

But, like I said, it's important for me to acknowledge it. 

I need to connect with others. I need to connect with others who see what is actually going on (as much as we can understand it). I don't want to talk about it all of the time. But I feel uncomfortable when I think about spending time with people who think everything is fine and dandy. I don't want to hang out with people who don't get it.

I know both kinds of people: those that are concerned and those that are not. I know a lot of both kinds of people. Quite honestly, it's a mind fuck. It's so weird to know so many kind, loving, and hardworking people that are not concerned. It's WEIRD.

So I'm sad, mad, and confused. (I am also happy, grateful, and excited about a couple of things, but that's not what this post is about.)

And that brings me to disenfranchised grief.

• From Merriam-Webster's dictionary:
• disenfranchised--deprived of some right, privilege, or immunity
• grief--deep and poignant distress caused by or as if by bereavement
  
  
• From Wikipedia:
• disenfranchised grief--describes forms of grief that are not acknowledged on a personal or societal level; term coined by Dr. Kenneth J. Doka in 1989
• a mourner's loss may be viewed as insignificant which can be lead to feelings of isolation and doubt over the impact of the loss experienced
• there are few support systems, rituals, traditions, or institutions available to those experiencing grief and loss

Sound familiar?

I've been here before.

 
Infertility and being childless-not-by-choice gave me so many tools I never asked for. 

Also, I give myself a shit ton of credit. I didn't have to pick up the pieces of my soul and figure out what to do. I didn't have to pick up those tools that infertility left lying there in the wake of its destruction. I didn't have to pick them up, I didn't have to sharpen those tools, I didn't have to hone my skills. But I did. So many of us have. You can too. 

It sucks. It sucks when life sucks. And I don't mean the I'm-bored-and-life-is-hard-and-this-sucks kind of sucks. I mean the I'm-alive-but-don't-want-to-be-but-I'm-hanging-on-but-don't-know-why kind of sucks. It sucks BAD. So bad that there really aren't words for it. 

It makes it even harder when others don't realize we're grieving. Or worse, they judge our grieving.

When you're living in one world and others are living in a completely different one, it's disorienting. It makes you question yourself even though you only have your perspective and experiences to go off of. Whether the different worlds are on a micro-level or a macro-level, I'm learning, it doesn't make a difference. Both experiences are equally destabilizing.

So.

Just throwing all that out there. In a moment of acknowledgment.

My experiences with disenfranchised grief during my darkest years are informing how I'm coping with disenfranchised grief during our current international economic and sociocultural climate.

It sucks to have those experiences, but I'm glad I developed some skills from them.

Holy crap this is a great article! It's quick, easy to read, and has great content about how to build and use your own mental health toolkit. It's where the picture above came from.

Entering a New Season

I love it when my life is in sync with the seasons.  Winter is usually my favorite, but I am uncharacteristically looking forward to spring this year. Like winter changing to spring, I'm in a phase of life where a lot of major projects are ending. I'm curious what will fill the empty spaces.

Eventually.

I'm in no rush.

The move is winding down. It has been quite a process. But we've got our address changed on everything, and we only have one more trip back to the old place for a couple things. My boyfriend was there a couple of weeks ago to clean out the house. It will be on the market soon, and I am really excited to sell it. Most everything here is still in boxes, but we are functional and almost halfway through our lease already.

My new job is transitioning from one phase to another. The first phase has been a lot of work, and so will the second phase. But I'm looking forward to it. I think I'm going to prefer the second phase of things. Here's hoping! Lol.

Remember my research? I've been hard at work on that in the background of everything else. I've definitely hit my own saturation point, but that's understandable. I've been working on it for over three years. However, I am at the very end. I have one last presentation to give at another national conference, and I (finally!) finished an article draft to submit for publication. Hopefully, my draft will be returned to me for revisions and then accepted and published. Then it will be out there and on the books for others to reference and build on.

Lots of endings. All positive. All welcome.

I'm in no rush to fill the space. 

I promise.

I want to live my simple life. Eat, sleep, work, and sew. Continue improving my cooking, cleaning, and exercising efforts. Get outside a little since the weather is nicer. See some friends eventually.

This post doesn't even have anything to do with infertility. Not really. I mean, my research is about infertility, but nothing in this post is directly about infertility. 

It's like the rest of my life. Infertility is a part of it. My life is how it is because of infertility and what I did with that, but my life isn't totally and completely about infertility anymore. Infertility is no longer central. Now it's more foundational yet peripheral.

Maybe that's another thing that's ending. My 11th Survivor Anniversary is coming up later this month (when I quit infertility treatments) and the pain is no longer acute. It's no longer chronic. It's intermittent. There's a whole lot more space for other things now.

Lots of things ending. New things will begin.

Spring is in the air.

Credit: Getty Images

How To Recover from Burnout

2024 sucked. And it's not like the decade leading up to it was a party. Then 2024 happened, and it tipped the scales for me. I was toast. I was burned out.

So I blogged about it. And tonight I was reading some old posts. Well, first, I was thinking about how it's only been six months since I realized I had to move, and now here I am in a new state with a new job. I marveled at how it was all even possible when I decided to read my old posts on recovering from burnout.

There were 5 posts over the course of 15 months.

Extreme Burnout

From Burnout to Boundaries

From Rest to Routines 

Recover, Then Restore

Recovered From Burnout in 2025

After years of reading self-help books, it's like I created a step-by-step plan for myself.
(In retrospect. At the time I didn't know what I was doing.)

I write this post as I lie on my couch. I am very tired from working all week, and I am still tired from moving. It's all good though. I will take this exhaustion. I like my job and I'm glad we moved. 

But as tired as I am, I am definitely not burned out. I'm tired from working and moving. It's not from being undervalued and overworked. It's not the burnout kind of fatigue that takes a long time to recover from. It's the daily tired where I'll feel better in the morning after a night's sleep.

Now that I think of it, there are so many ways to be tired. Burnout. Physical exhaustion. Cognitive fatigue. Existential restlessness. They all require different antidotes.

For burnout, the posts linked above describe my process for recovery.

It takes time.

I found this stuffed animal (I'm toast!) in an online store that has lots of funny pillows.

Finding a New Doctor

Another hard part of moving is finding new doctors. It feels hard even though I have health insurance through my new job. (If you recall, that was a big reason why I had to move so quickly. I was losing my affordable coverage in 2026.) 

In a way, it's easy enough. I look at my health insurance card, go to the website, and find doctors that are in network and accepting new patients. 

In another way, it's daunting and overwhelming. Personally, I am tired of websites, logins, new accounts, and patient portals. I am tired and don't know how to find a doctor and/or practice that I'm going to like and where I will feel comfortable. I don't know anyone. I'm new here.

I knew I was dreading it because "find new doctors" stayed on my To Do list for three months. 

But I'm chipping away at this whole change-my-job/address/life thing AGAIN and I will get it all done AGAIN and actually, except for unpacking (which may or may not happen in this rental house), I am quite close to the end.

Including finding new doctors. I went to a new gynecologist on Friday. I'm establishing care with a primary care physician next month, and I'm finally getting my eyes checked next month too. Now I only need to find a dentist and a dermatologist. Soon I will have assembled a new team for my healthcare. I'm thinking about looking for a counselor and/or a massage therapist and/or an acupuncturist too. We'll see. Every service, although worth it, costs time and money.

So. I went to a new gynecologist on Friday. To say I was nervous is an understatement. I surprised myself by bursting into tears on my way to the appointment. Luckily, I wasn't driving so it was safe to cry. I admitted out loud that I was scared but I was going anyway.

Then I had the best experience. Really. I really did.

The front desk women were nice. The waiting area was well lit and clean. The medical assistant who took me to my exam room was calming and friendly. The new doctor was wonderful. And the woman at the check-out desk was hilarious. I appreciated the whole experience.

Did I mention they use nitrous?

FINALLY. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. I've been saying this for years. Every gynecologist should have nitrous. I get nitrous to ease my nerves when I have my dental cleanings. Why wouldn't I get nitrous to ease my nerves during my annual well woman exam?? It's a no brainer. Except it's not standard practice. But maybe things are changing. Because let me tell you, that nitrous changed the entire experience from nerve wracking and painful to NOT nerve wracking and painful. Huh. How humane.

So that was good. But damn, I was tired after that experience. Completely wiped out for the day.

I needed to tell her about my oophorectomy 20 years ago; my experiences with trying to conceive, infertility, and failed fertility treatments; my divorce; my abnormal lab results in the past and all of the procedures I've had to explore them with dates; my recent move; and my new body and hormonal changes. Fun! 

Oh and THEN I had the physical exam. Sometimes the fun just doesn't seem to end.

So yeah, I don't usually tell people all of the worst things of my life right when I meet them, but when I do, I make sure I'm thorough. It was a lot at once, but it was all my relevant history.

She was nice. She listened. She answered my questions. I felt lucky for finding a great new doctor and practice. Having that first appointment over with is a huge weight off of my shoulders.

One of the reasons I picked that practice was because they had the word "infertility" on their website when no one else did. But let's be real, the main reason I picked them is because they offer nitrous for procedures. But it turned out, it's also a great practice full of friendly people. Amen to that. I wish for good experiences and care for all of us.

Another good sign!
My new doctor had this classic poster hanging on the ceiling above the exam chair.
Hilarious.

Save Yourself

My last post was about other people's writing saving me. Then I read Loribeth's post, What's Saving My Life Right Now. I forgot that she did this post every year in February. I like it.

It's a tough time. I'm not going to go into detail or commentary about any of it, nationally or internationally. But even on a smaller individual level, everyone I'm close to currently has major stressors in their lives. Maybe there will always be stress... But then, that's what makes it even more important to consider what helps us get through. I often think about what helps me.

I also love lists. So I wanted to think about, in addition to other people's writing, what's saving my life right now. Off the top of my head...

• Myself. I've learned a lot of things over the last decade: how to redirect my thoughts, how to have boundaries and why, how to quilt. I enjoy my own company and that's pretty cool.
  
  
• My boyfriend. He listens a lot. And he loves me. And we disagree and miscommunicate. And we laugh a lot. I'm actually at a place mentally where I would be fine by myself. I don't feel scared or insecure or lonely anymore. I'd be fine. But I'm glad I have my boyfriend. He adds a lot to my life.
  
  
• My cat(s). How did I live without a pet for so long? Well, it's very easy to not have a pet. It's very easy and affordable. Haha. But we were petsitting my boyfriend's son's cat and I fell in love and I needed a second cat for whenever we didn't have the first cat anymore and a kitten came into our lives and the first cat never left and...
  Now we have two cats. I love them. They are cute and funny and have their own personalities. One of the cats is definitely mine. He falls asleep with me at night and wakes me up in the morning. And oh my god I am writing a full paragraph about how much I love my cat, hahaha. But I do.
  
  Let's see... What else is saving my life right now...
  
  
• My job and my bills. Seriously. It's so easy to complain about work because we are there alllll the time, and it's easy to complain about bills because they're sooo expensive. But also? I like having a job. It means I'm not looking for a job, which is extremely stressful. I also like paying my bills because I'm glad for the services. It would suck without electricity, indoor plumbing, and trash pickup. My job and my bills are providing for my life, so they're saving me.
  
  
• My slow cooker! I've always struggled with what to eat every day, having stuff on hand, chopping stuff, cooking, and cleaning up after. I like the results of the effort. I like to eat tasty food. But, come on, figuring out what to eat multiple times a day every day? It's hard for some people. Like me. But! I am really excited because I've used my slow cooker once a week for the last 4 weeks. It's awesome coming home from work and smelling a homecooked meal that's already ready.
  
  
• Having something to look forward to. That's definitely saving my life. With the move behind me and the new job started, I live here now. It still doesn't feel like it, but I do. I live here and this is my life now. Lol. It's been awhile since I've lived in a city so I looked around for things to do. I found a couple of sewing workshops that I registered for and a couple of shows that I bought tickets for. And just like that, I have plans for 2026! Not too much. I don't want to be busy. But I've got several things to look forward to. And that saves me.
  
  

What's saving your life right now?

Here's a photo dump of other things that are bringing me joy, a.k.a. saving my life, right now.

I love stuffed animals. I saw this last weekend in a toy store. It's a jar of strawberry jam. So cute!

After months of having it packed, I unpacked my sewing machine and sewed an easy pot holder.
It's quilted with insulated batting using variegated thread.
Variegated thread (where it changes colors from one to another) always makes me happy.

I unpacked some embroidery floss I bought last year. I took a workshop about decorative stitches last month, and I'm going to try a little embroidery.

I sewed a cute little starfish with simple felt, stuffing, needle, and thread--
the kind of affordable supplies you buy from a craft store.
In retrospect, it was a nice activity because I held the soft, colorful felt and stared at it while I sewed. It was a nice break from looking at a screen and I enjoyed the colors and the feel of the felt. Hand sewing this starfish was like a little meditation practice.

Hot chocolate. On a cold day. The sprinkles were a happy surprise!  

Other People's Writing Saves Me

I just read something that I needed to read. The last time something resonated with me this hard was over a decade ago when I found Infertility Honesty's blog where she gave me a whole new language with which to understand my experience with life altering trauma.

Back then:
Oh!!! This is grief? I am grieving? Okay, that kinda makes sense... I had no idea this was grief.

Just now:
Oh!!! This is an awakening? This is a thing, this "Great Unfuckening?" This makes a lot of sense.

Let me back up. I've been going through something for the last two years. Two years ago it was 2024 and it was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad year. I broke up with my boyfriend, quit my job, and was devastated by my family. I stopped everything and focused on myself. I changed massively. And quickly. 

My boyfriend and I were only broken up for 3 months, and I actually only lived alone for about 2 weeks. But that short amount of time was transformative. When I sat in my silent living room all alone for those two weeks I thought about everything: my feelings as a little girl, my family dynamics, my boyfriends while growing up, my marriage, my divorce, and my current breakup. I realized so much in an unbelievably short amount of time.

In the two years since, I've remained steadfast in my efforts to put myself first. In fact, I try to put myself first, second, and third. Don't get me wrong. I love everyone. I love my boyfriend, I love my family, and I love total strangers that I don't know. I also love myself. Finally. I like myself too. It's a relief.

But despite my love for everyone, I make myself #1. I have to put myself first. No one else is going to. And it has taken years to develop the habit of asking myself what do I want and what do I need before considering what others want and need.

Anyway, I'm rambling a bit. But it's been tough. Things are really difficult with my family and after reading this post, Aging Out of Fucks: The Neuroscience of Why You Suddenly Can't Pretend Anymore by Ellen Scherr, I feel seen. I feel known. And I understand myself better.

I've got to share some quotes with you:

• "As estrogen levels shift in perimenopause and beyond, this intense drive to please and nurture others begins to diminish. What replaces it isn't bitterness. It's clarity."
  
  I feel this. From the drop in my strong nurturing drive to the clarity that is newly emerging, I feel this so much.
  
  
• "Decades of chronic low-level stress from constant social monitoring takes a biological toll... What looks like 'not having a filter' might actually be a stress response system that's finally saying 'enough'."
  
  Yes, I am actually worn out. Completely done. Put a fork in me. I can't overfunction for others anymore. Not my mom. Not a partner. Not any employer. I know more now. I see what I was doing. And now I am done.

The author talks about how we literally don't have it in us anymore to people please. She talks about the shifts that happen when we stop performing and stop providing our free emotional labor: other people get uncomfortable. She reminds us that other people's discomfort is not our problem to fix.

• "All the energy you spent managing everyone else's experience? That's now available for literally anything else. The return on investment is staggering."
  
  
• "You're not becoming difficult; you're becoming free."

I am sharing this article in case it's what you need to read too.

I found this embroidery kit if you're looking for a new hobby. I went to a workshop about decorative stitching a couple of weeks ago, and it made me think I'd like embroidery.