Visiting My Friend (& Her Family)

Hello, hello, I'm still here. It's been a lot of working, sleeping, and moving-related stuff.

But two weekends ago I did something fun! I visited my best friend from college, her husband, and their three kids. I saw them a year and a half ago when my friend invited me on their family vacation. I was a little hesitant because it had been so long since we'd seen each other. But I went and it was fun! And now we live in the same state so we hope to see each other at least once a year. 

It's a different life though. A very different life. Her daughters are in elementary and middle school, and our time was spent dropping them off and picking them up from their various activities. My friend has a very serious and important job too, but I was there for a long weekend when she didn't have to go into the office. It really was incredible. She made dinner every night too.

I reminded myself that she's lived in her house for 9 years. She's raised kids for 14 years. She has her rhythms and routines that have evolved over the years. She's in the thick of things and it's like a juggling act that won't stop for 20 more years.

I wasn't sad to be immersed in her life. I love my friend, and (thank god) her kids are awesome. I like her husband too. I've known him almost as long as I've known my friend. I love where they live and going to visit them is like going on a little retreat. It's a vacation. With kids. Lol. We go do things, and I like to go to bakeries and get coffee and buy cookies for me and the girls.

But I was ready for home. I like my life. I loved my vacation, I loved seeing my friend, and I loved coming home. 

Then I got home and felt thrown off all week because I had spent the whole weekend out of town. I hadn't done my laundry or gone to the grocery store or had any downtime really. It's always one thing or another. We can't have everything.

Then I spent this weekend revising my research article. I put a lot of time into it and it was worth it. My draft is better than it's ever been. I am almost ready to resubmit it. That's my goal by the end of the month. I'm surprised it's still on my plate, but my new job and moving (twice) this past year interrupted a lot of my projects.

Next weekend I will chill! Unless something else comes up lol. But relaxing is what is planned.

Here are three pictures for you. The first two pictures are homegrown tomatoes and chickens at my friend's home. The third picture is a book I bought on vacation: Fairy Gardening 101. It's my new interest. I want to have plants and a vegetable garden, which is possible in my new backyard, but I'm going to start small by maintaining the landscaping that is already there...
And creating little fairy gardens here and there.

Moving Is A Long Process

I've been low-level cranky for the past several weeks. I've realized moving is traumatic and trauma is cumulative. Therefore, each move actually gets harder even when it's a positive thing. It does not get easier with time. It's just more disruption.

I am so incredibly thankful to have moved into a new home. I also don't think I am going to feel well for awhile. I accept this fact. It's part of the process. I mean, I haven't even eaten a homecooked meal at a dining room/kitchen table in over ten months. We gave our old table away to the thrift store before moving out of state.

Lately, my life has been only moving, working, and sleeping. That is not okay. I'm happy I moved, it's great to have a job, and I'm thankful I can sleep. But those three things do not make up a meaningful, enjoyable life by themselves. I need more. I want more. I deserve more.

Time to sew, time with friends, time to exercise.

I still think a little bit about what my life would be like if I was raising kids but not very often. I've created a completely new life for myself (a couple of times over!), so it's impossible to know what my life would be like as a mother. There's no value in even speculating. 

I'm living the life I have, and that's what is important. My life is valid and worthwhile.

And, on that note, I am going to cook! I haven't made any meals in the new place yet, and it's time to get that good energy goin' and flowin'. It's up to me to do what I can to feel better.

The graphic above was found on this post about cooking as a self-care ritual.

Thankful, Tired, & Couldn't Have Done It Without You

I haven't sewn. I haven't cooked. I haven't exercised. All three of these activities are very important ways that I take care of myself. I can tell I haven't done them in weeks.

However, we can't do everything, and what I have done is move! Yayyy. Glad to have that done!

Movers came last Saturday and moved all of the boxes and what little furniture we have. I took the whole week off of work and did an amazing job of balancing rest and getting shit done. I managed one major errand/task a day AND a nap. :)

I'm not kidding when I say that I literally slept for half of my PTO (paid time off) week. I honestly slept 9 - 10 hours a night with a 2 - 3 hour nap every day. I was that tired. I am so thankful I was able to take a week off before my body gave out or I had a mental break. Seriously. We all push ourselves so much, but our physical and mental health should not be taken for granted. 

I thought about my friends with kids and how they can't take a week off. But then I also remembered that their lives have nothing to do with mine. I am living MY life, not theirs. And my life has been constant upheaval and reinvention for over a decade. It's been tiring and I'm allowed to rest.

It was a year ago today (Sunday 8/24/2025) that I realized I had to move. I was going to lose my affordable health insurance. My three jobs weren't covering my bills and I didn't have it in me to add in a fourth. I needed to get somewhere more viable for the rest of my life. 

I didn't want to look for (and start!) a new job, and I didn't want to deal with moving. I didn't want to do any of it. Just like IUIs and IVF. Just like going back to school for a new career. Just like getting divorced, moving a million times, and enduring a pandemic. 

I didn't want to do any of it. 

I did it anyway. 

And I'm calling this the finish line.

I did it. I'm done. I have arrived. It's time to stop and smell the roses.

I created a life I want to live.

Most importantly, I love myself. I love myself so much. I look back at myself in the past and have so much compassion for all of my anxiety, depression, insecurity, and suffering. I'm so much kinder to myself now.

I also love my partner, my new home, my job, my cats, and my hobbies. I love the little things. I love tasty meals and nourishing conversations. I love moments of peace, and I love contentment. 

Stress never ends. Problems never stop. I know that. 

But my most recent marathon is over. 

I have grieved and integrated my losses. I restructured my life. I created a place for myself without my children in this world where I always thought I'd be a mom. It was no small task. There's a reason it took me over a decade. Even after years of blogging honestly, I still can't seem to put the whole experience into words. I haven't yet accurately described how completely disorienting it is to be childless not-by-choice.

So I moved. And moved and moved and moved. I moved away from what I didn't want and moved toward what I did want. And I think it's pretty safe to say that I won't move again for awhile. Of course, anything can happen. But I'm here now. Professional state licensure, state driver's license, vehicle registration, and I bought a house. I'm in a city. If I lose my job, there are others.
I can live my life here.

Everyone keeps asking me if I'm unpacked and settled. It's only been a week.

In a way, my head is still spinning from the last ten years. I can barely process the last year alone.

So that's me. That's where I'm at. A tired pile of mush. Feeling overwhelmingly grateful. 

I get that nobody else in my life really understands what I'm feeling right now. It's a little lonely, but that's how it goes with infertility and involuntary childlessness. So thank you for reading this post and supporting me with your love, laughter, and commiseration all these years. 

We did it. We saved ourselves.

Pic found at https://www.vecteezy.com/free-photos/runner-finish-line

Childless & Taking Care of My Inner Child

You know I'm tired. You know I'm drained. You also know life doesn't stop, and I will be going back to the office tomorrow for another week of work. But I've hired movers for Saturday! A team of three strong people will come over, load up our stuff (very little furniture but tons of boxes), and take it to our new place where they will unload it. I cannot possibly physically move myself again. And it's only been three months since my boyfriend made his last trip to where we moved from and back. We are so done.

But I'm back living in a city where there are goods and services, so I hired movers!

In anticipation of the upcoming week of work and moving, I did as little possible this weekend. I cut some fabric, did some hand sewing, and read a whole dang book. I don't remember the last time I read a book in 24 hours. It was very relaxing.

I can and can't believe I don't have children. I can believe it because it's my life. It's my reality. I can't believe it because I always planned on being a mom. I looked forward to it. It's what my friends and family are doing. It's what I wanted to do.

Honestly, my new place would be great for raising kids. It's a cool house that's being "wasted" on a childless woman. (That's not my opinion, just society's.) My boyfriend doesn't fall into that category because he is a dad. Even with his kid grown, he will always be a dad.

We are about to hit the most pronatalistic time of the calendar year. Back to school, Halloween, Thanksgiving, and the winter holidays (Hanukkah, Christmas, Xmas, Kwanzaa, winter solstice, etc.). I don't know why my new house is making me think of my children. I obviously know I'm not having children in this lifetime. In fact, I was happy to buy my last house because it was perfect for a couple but not for raising children. Maybe that's the difference. My new home is a cool house. I would have loved it as a kid.

Maybe that's what I'm doing with my childless adult life. Making my inner child happy. I bought a fun house and I work long days helping others help themselves so I can pay my bills and live my life, spending my money on food, fabric, and my cats. 

I've got a co-worker that's the same age as me. She doesn't have kids. She just broke up with her partner of 8 years and now lives alone. She says she's ordering takeout and playing video games after work. She said she feels like a teenager whose mom is out of town. I said, "But wouldn't your younger self be so happy and proud? You're living a life that younger you dreamt about." 

Of course, younger me dreamt about being a mother. It really was a lifelong desire for me. But since my children didn't come in this lifetime, I literally thank them out loud for the life I'm living now. I hope they're proud of me.

I am slowly but surely (I'm in no rush) hand sewing a grandmother's flower garden quilt. 

That's 1 flower (above) out of the 77 I plan to sew together for the quilt top. There will be white hexagons surrounding/in between each flower as well. I fussy cut the centers of the flowers using a fabric that had a lot of different objects printed on it. I started it in 2022 and I'm sure it'll take me another year or two at least. I love to sew while watching movies on Saturday night.

Drained

I am running on fumes. Yes, I write a lot that I'm tired. That's because I'm tired. And have been for a very long time. But I feel like I might have finally set myself up for awhile, and very soon I will get to just live my life and take a break from almost constant upheaval. We'll see.

I bought a house. It needs repairs. I'm scheduling and coordinating all that while working full-time. How does anyone get anything done? What is this world that we have created? I keep thinking how dumb and impossible it all is. 

I'm usually pretty positive. But I'm also very real. 

This is bullshit.

But anyway. We go on. This is what we have. This is the reality in which we live.

I am extremely grateful for the ability to buy a house. I sold my old one in June and bought a new one (to me) in July. I'll move after the repairs are done. Whenever that is. I can't really plan. I'm living hour by hour.

Tomorrow starts another week of work. I rested this weekend. Did as little as possible and was pretty successful at it. Sewed a little. Slept a lot. Went grocery shopping and somehow managed to get laundry done. How am I functioning?

I'm taking some PTO in a couple of weeks. I'm not going to do anything. Well, I might move. I might not. I don't know. But I'm going to think a whole lot less. I will eat, sleep, and sew.

So, yes, I am drained. 

But it's not just exhaustion. Something has changed with me. It has to be hormonal. Because I have changed on a fundamental level. After a lifetime of feeling an overwhelming amount of nurturing and maternal tendencies... I don't have them anymore. I mean, I still care. I still work in a caregiving profession. And I'm good at it. But I am changed. I can tell. I honor the primal yearning I used to have to raise my children, but I definitely no longer feel that way about other people's children. It has to be hormonal. The feelings have drained out of me over the last year.

I'm also bigger, and my metabolism has slowed down. I have less energy and more gray hairs with every passing day. I'm changing. We always are. But this is big. And interesting. I'm approaching it with curiosity.

So, yeah, I'm drained. But I'm also different. It feels unfamiliar, but I welcome it.

Art credit: CollageGirlKC; print above available for purchase here

Handle with Care

I cannot get really close to other people's children. The first two times I learned this lesson it hurt really bad. Now I'm learning it for a third time. It sucks, but it's softened because of my previous experience. I can enjoy others' kids, but they'll never be mine. They will never think to call me with good news. They will never think to call me with bad news. They will never think to call me.

Part of this is sad. Part of this is reality. It's just the way it is.

The first time I got hurt was a long time ago. I had just stopped trying to conceive, sold my children's house, and gone back to school. I wasn't invited to a friend's kid's 6th birthday party when I had been invited to everything else previously. I had already bought the birthday presents. Then I saw the pictures of the birthday party on social media. I wasn't invited. I was crushed.

The second time I got hurt was by my niece. It only happened two years ago. She's grown. An adult. But she was mean to me. So unnecessarily mean. I was blindsided. I never wrote about it and probably never will. Maybe I shouldn't have assumed we were as close as I thought we were, but I did. Not anymore. Now I know. Being an aunt doesn't guarantee an awesome relationship.

And, most recently, another person was in my life that I really cared about. Someone else's kid. Everything seemed fine until last week. Now I don't know what was real and what was fake. I choose to hold on to my good memories. I give myself grace while I process the rest.

It's okay to love people. It's important to love people. But love makes us vulnerable, and sometimes we get hurt. We feel our feelings, learn our lessons, get back up, and go on.

I'm not mad at myself for being sensitive, but I want to be more careful with myself in the future.

Sunday Reset

One of the best things about my job is having a regular work schedule. It makes it so much easier to have routines. Like Sundays for example. It's the day I do laundry and dishes. I clean out the fridge. I look at my planner for the week. It's a weekly reset for me, and it's made a huge difference in my life. What used to be overwhelming is now very satisfying.

I also notice I've been blogging on Sundays. I don't have a list of drafts. Every time I write a post, I open my laptop and start writing. When I'm done, I read over it a couple of times and publish it. It's become another part of my Sunday.

However, today my thoughts are scattered. I've been thinking that maybe I've been grieving a little lately. I've been so tired for so long, and I'm operating at maximum capacity. I keep doing stuff like preventative healthcare appointments and trying to buy a house because I feel like I am so close to being done with stuff for awhile. I might get a break from major life stressors soon.

It's okay. I knew this year would be tough. I am relieved that I'm past the halfway mark. 

But that's where the grieving comes in. It has taken so long to recover from infertility. It has taken so long to create a different life (one where I don't have kids) from the life I assumed I'd be living (being a mother). There were a lot of other things along the way, like my divorce and the pandemic. It's just been exhausting.

I noticed I was feeling a little sad for a couple of weeks. It wasn't about not having kids necessarily. It was more about how much time, energy, and resources it took to change my life. And yes, I'm very grateful for the time, energy, and resources, but I also get to say that it sucked. It sucked that so many other people got to live their lives as is while I poured myself into creating something completely new and unknown.

And then this weekend happened. Where I realized, by hearing about a loved one and their young adult kid, that my children will never do dumb shit and/or break my heart. My kids are not here. My heartbreak comes from not having them.

The contrast. Having kids, not having kids. 

And the similarities. Heartbreak all the same.

I've been quietly thinking about all of this as I've gone about my chores today. My laundry is done and my kitchen is picked up. I've got a grocery list written for tomorrow after work. I feel prepared for the upcoming week. I've still gotta keep going; I've got a lot to do at home and work for the next 1 - 3 months. Then I am hoping I can do less and merely maintain for the winter.

Thinking of you as we start a new week. I know things aren't easy for anyone right now. 💜

Cute infographic found on Notes by Thalia