Grieving My Job

How are you? Are you a pile of mush? In my opinion, Jess said it best: January 2021 has felt like one long hangover from 2020. (And I'm not even drinking right now lol.) Personally, I have felt like crap, been very emotional, been slow to do anyyything, and basically feel like I'm just draaagging.

And like I always say, that's okay! I respect where I am.

The truth is I am grieving again. I am grieving the job I quit that I thought I wanted to retire from. 

I jumped in immediately last August, without looking, feet first, all systems go. I paid for and took expensive trainings. I bought a lot of books, materials, and supplies. I began building a collection of articles to support a research-based practice. I went ALL IN. Complete with expectations and everything. 

Ohhh... Expectations again. Thinking things were going to be one way and then. they. weren't.

Oh. Damn.
Plans foiled again...
...I shall do something else!

But first, I have to grieve what I expected and what I experienced. I have to because I feel it.

I'm journaling again. I'm sewing a little almost every day. I'm slowly but surely bringing back my yoga practice. I'm focusing on eating, sleeping, showering, doing what makes me feel good, and redirecting my negative thinking. It takes everything I have. Again, that is okay. With the pandemic still raging, it is an appropriate time to be still and quiet at home.

I'm exhausted. I cry a lot. I'm easily irritated. I've even had insomnia, which is very unusual for me. I accept it all. I welcome it. I pull up a chair and allow my sadness, anger, and massive disappointment to stay a minute. I recognize and acknowledge all of these longtime acquaintances of mine.

I feel the pressure to go get another job as soon as possible. I also know that's not possible right now. I cannot take in any new information at this time. I need to grieve and heal a little before starting my next new thing. I need to honor the fact that I have learned three different new careers in the last 18 months (teaching middle school, working in acute care at a hospital, and then working as a service provider for a school district) and I am tired. I need mental and emotional rest. (Did you read Mel's post about the seven kinds of rest on Monday? So good!!) And it's up to me to give myself what I need.

I wish our society didn't suck so much at grief. People don't understand my years-long grieving process for my children and motherhood. They sure as hell won't understand my need to grieve a job that I voluntarily quit. Well, F that noise. Grief is real and grieving is necessary. For so many different experiences.

I will jump back in the working game. I am looking forward to it. As I've shared before, caring for patients gives my life meaning. But, first, I need some time to rest. 

I need some time to grieve what was and what I thought would be.

Around the Corner

I can't believe I'm quoting Gwen Stefani on my blog. It's not that I have anything against her. I remember seeing No Doubt play twice back in the late 90s. I just never thought I'd be quoting her. But here I go:

"It's weird how things happen and you just don't see things
that are right around the corner after such devastation."

I was reading an article on People where Gwen was talking about how lucky she felt to have fallen in love again. I love love and feel lucky that my boyfriend and I crossed paths when we did, so the romantic in me was really enjoying the article. But that quote was really powerful to me. After infertility. After divorce. While still not yet having found my place in my new career.

*****

I talked to my mom yesterday. She is always pushing back on me. I never seem to be doing the right thing according to her. She called me yesterday and, even though I was in the middle of quilting for the first time in weeks, I answered my phone to visit with her for a bit. She asked what I was doing, I told her, and she immediately said with a weird judgmental tone, "Do you ever do anything else besides quilting?"

What's wrong with quilting?

What's wrong with me? 

And, to be quite honest, why aren't you worried about my sisters?
They both currently have significant issues that are affecting them.

However, my sisters are married, have kids, own their houses, and have jobs. I am divorced, without kids, a renter, and unemployed. Huh. It turns out going against the norm really bothers some people. (Oh well. Their problem, not mine.)

*****

I definitely don't feel like I need a partner to be happy. But I do have a partner and he does make me happy, so I am incredibly thankful for that. Despite living in similar places across the same three states throughout both of our lives, our paths never crossed (that we know of) until we were in our late 30s. It was the perfect time for the two of us to meet for so many reasons. Any earlier would not have been the right time. But now is perfect.

I didn't know I was going to meet him. Meeting someone was the last thing on my mind. I was busy and I was content. I had just moved to a new state and had a new life to create. I had worked hard to be where I was and I was at peace on my own.

I had no idea what was just around the corner... :)

*****

In a way, it makes me feel a tiny bit better about the future. In a time when our country is experiencing so much open hate and violence, it's helpful for me to remember that I do not yet know the good that is coming.

Thank you for the reminder, Gwen. 

How Quickly I Forget

I already forgot. In my last post I reminded myself to keep today's date in mind, that it was fast approaching. And then I promptly forgot about it.

I woke up early this morning and braved the cold to go grocery shopping right when the store opened. I am usually the only shopper at that time as was the case again today. They don't do curbside pickup here, so it's the safest way for me to get groceries. I didn't feel that great while shopping, but I went through my list and got what I wanted since I was already there.

When I got home, I got sick. And I could just tell it was stress-related (not anything that worried me), but I was so perplexed. I went back to bed while my boyfriend put away the groceries.

I slept for a couple of hours, woke up, and got sick again. I felt a little sorry for myself, but mostly I was annoyed and confused. What stress am I under? I thought... Well, yeah, there's my new unemployment. But I have a plan for my job search. There's also the pandemic and missing my family and friends, but we are on month ten of that so that's nothing new. Aren't we all stressed? Aren't we all maxed out? I fell back asleep again.

When I woke up again at 1:30, it hit me. It's the date; it's the freaking 11th. The exact same thing happened to me last year too and I just wrote about it last week. I did a literal facepalm while still lying in bed.

Six years ago today I learned that my first IVF did not result in pregnancy. I didn't have any positive feeling that it had, but it was still devastating to get that phone call. 

I swear it doesn't hurt like it used to. I promise I'm telling the truth when I say I like my life. But I also have to acknowledge what a huge deal childlessness after infertility is and how damaging failed fertility treatments can be. Even when I don't consciously remember the date, my body remembers on a physical level EVERY SINGLE YEAR. That's how big of a loss it is for me. 

And that is why I will keep blogging.

But, for now, I've had some rest, some saltines and soda, and I'm gonna call it an early night. 

Be gentle with yourselves, my friends. This shit is hard.

Reviewing Last Year

We all know what a unique year 2020 was for the world. Mali wrote a great post where she looked back and highlighted some favorite posts of hers from 2020. I liked the idea and decided to do the same. It was pretty interesting to go back and reread my posts. After reviewing them all, I know two things for sure. One, I am tired. (Ha!) Two, I refuse to give up.

And so without further ado, my favorite posts of mine from 2020...

In January, I wrote about feeling emotional, not knowing why, and then remembering it was the fifth anniversary of my first IVF results. This is probably a good thing for me to keep in the back of my mind, seeing as this date is fast approaching again. It is true: the body remembers.

Later that month I was reminded that I don't have to explain myself to anyone, especially when it comes to presumed baby shower attendance.

I talked about my marriage and divorce a little bit here. I am thankful but still processing it all.

I recognized that my grief is lifelong in this post, but I also recognized why some things don't hurt as much as they used to in this post.

Overall, I was very happy to learn this year that I can work with kids again without it hurting!

But, my Top 3 Favorite Posts of 2020 are as follows:

3. When Elaine helped me realize that I have a lot of love to give

2. When I chose to give advice lol. At least I called it what it was: my unsolicited advice

1. When I found meaning again

Thank you for reading! We will see what 2021 brings, what we learn from it and what we do with it. May our lives be full of peace, love, warmth, good health, strength, clarity, connection, and laughter. Wishing us all the best!!! 

💜

Hello Dear Reader

Hello anonymous reader. I hope this post finds you holding on. 

I imagine you're here because you want to have kids and be a parent so badly it hurts in the deepest ways on a physical, emotional, spiritual, and existential level. Maybe you are single, maybe your partner doesn't want kids (or more kids), or maybe you are already dealing with other health and/or financial problems right now and can't birth or adopt a child. Maybe you are like I was. Maybe you are going through fertility treatments but allowing yourself to read about other people's lives without children in case that becomes your lifelong reality. 

Whatever brings you here, you are welcome. You are welcome, worthy, and wanted.

So I hear it's International Blog Delurking Week, January 3 - 9, 2021. :) 

Like I've said before, I read blogs for yearsss before I ever commented. I was too scared and nervous to comment. But, quite honestly, I was lonely and I needed friends. Even if they were "just" on the internet. I saw other bloggers writing and commenting on each other's posts and I wanted to join the community. So I did. I started blogging over four years ago and haven't looked back. And even though I haven't met anyone in real life (yet!), I have a lot of friends here now. 

So if you're a reader, I'd love it if you said Hello. Or you can say hello privately in an email if you prefer. My email address is my full blog name, infertilephoenix, and it's a gmail account. 

You don't have to say Hello! You are still more than welcome to keep reading. I don't know where you are with things and grief can really incapacitate us for a long time. I honor and respect wherever you are in your process.

But... If you are able to comment or send me an email... I'd love to say Hello back. 

You are very important to me.

💜

(This beautiful badge was created by Mel at Stirrup Queens.
If you haven't explored her blog yet, it is a wealth of support and resources!)

Then & Now

People often look forward on New Year's, but I do not. I remember.
I will always remember what I was doing on this day.

Six years ago today I had my first embryo transfer. I was scared. I was nervous. I was trying to be optimistic. But, quite honestly, I was over it all. I had so much anxiety that there would be a natural disaster or we would have car trouble and not make it to the clinic on time that I could barely think straight. My spirit was dying, I felt all alone, and those words don't even begin to describe how desperate and hopeless I was feeling at the time. But I definitely remember it.

It was a scary, anxiety-soaked IVF cycle due to my own mental health. I was barely hanging on. It was really bad. I was doing IVF after three back-to-back unsuccessful medicated IUIs. I never wanted to do IVF but had decided to try anyway. I traveled with my medications and syringes to my sister's house five hours away for an early Xmas celebration with my family. I traveled home and had my egg retrieval. I waited and waited and waited. They got a small number of eggs, fewer fertilized, and only two were still going strong on the day of transfer. So that's what we transferred. On New Year's Day. 2015.

Six long and short years ago.

So much has happened since then. Not motherhood of course, not for me. But everything else. 

(Selling my house I bought for my children. Going back to school for a new career. Losing my dog. Getting divorced. Enduring a pandemic. Moving four times, within two states and among two big cities and two small towns. Getting a full-time job in my old career. Finding a part-time job in my new career. Developing an unshakeable inner resolve and self-confidence. Landing a full-time job in my new career. Quitting that full-time job. Currently recovering from that experience. And soon I will look ahead as to how I want to financially support myself next... I finally live where I want to live so I will take it from there. Er, here.)

So, yes, the future is open.
But, for me, today isn't about that. 

Today is about remembering. And honoring what wasn't. And honoring what came from that.

I carry my losses with me daily as my grief ebbs and flows. 

I honor and feel my feelings without judgment. (Ok, I try to anyway lol.)

There is now room for light. 

I have energy for enthusiasm. 

I love myself and I like my life.

I am here now.

*****

After sitting in our dark holes for however long we need to, 

(and while still grieving) 

We Can All 

RISE 

from the ashes of our destroyed dreams 

and create a life we want to live.

The Day After

Well, that was a weird holiday.

I'm happy I spent time, money, and energy preparing for it over the last couple of months. I enjoyed my decorations this year, got my grocery shopping done, and cooked at a leisurely pace for three days to make snacks, desserts, and the holiday meal. I wrapped a couple of presents and stuffed stockings for us. We listened to Xmas soul music all day and I felt warm, loved, safe, and content all day long. And full! Very, very full. :)

But the weirdness of the day is worth noting.

*****

I woke up sad. Very sad. I wasn't anticipating it, but I immediately recognized it. And I allowed it. I didn't know what else to do. So, I felt it. It was Xmas morning and my kids weren't here. I didn't wrap presents or stuff stockings for them. I wouldn't make them breakfast. It's not that they weren't little kids anymore; they simply were never here. I don't have any memories of any Xmas mornings with them. And that's sad. So I honored that (while also honestly hoping the feeling didn't linger all day).

I lied in bed and thought about everyone around the world spending the end of the year differently than how they are used to doing. I thought about families separated for the holidays, with people staying home to be safe. I thought about parents spending their first Xmas morning without their children. I thought about how they are alone like me on Xmas day. But they're not really. They have their kids. They're just separated this year. But I still feel bad for everyone in the world for how this pandemic and our atrocious reaction to it worldwide has altered everyone's way of life in less than a year.

And I thought about all the people that have died. (No, it was not the most cheerful Xmas morning I've had.) So many people have died. Why are our flags not flying at half-mast? Our nation should be in mourning. So many people are spending their first holiday season without their loved ones. 

These were all the thoughts I woke up with on Xmas morning.

I thought them, I felt them, and I sat with them a bit.
Then I acknowledged them and tucked them away into a pocket of my mind.
I redirected my thoughts to be about what I wanted to cook for the day and when and how... 

*****

The other weird part of my day involved talking to my mom. It was just weird. It's normal to call your parents and visit on Xmas morning, right? To forget your current worries and stresses and just visit about the holidays? 

I called my parents to wish them a Merry Xmas. They had a nice morning, just the two of them. They liked their presents from my sisters and me, and I shared with them what all I had made and was preparing to make for our meal. It was nice holiday chatter.

Then my mom got really adamant about me watching her church's children service online. She was telling me how she coordinated it all, how different kids did different parts and then the video editor put it all together. I told her that it sounded wonderful and that I know she did a great job. But she kind of would not let it go. She kept telling me I had to watch it. I know my awesome counselor from years ago would have told me to just vaguely ignore it or something like that, but in the moment I responded. I said, "Thanks mom, but I'm not going to watch it. I don't enjoy things like that." And she took that as me not wanting to watch something church-related. I was just annoyed and tired and said it had nothing to do with church. I stopped there. My mom really does not get my childlessness at all. The last thing I want to do is watch a cute video of other people's children that I don't even know. Weird. 

Don't worry. She changed the subject. She started talking about how sad it was that she and dad were alone on Xmas but how a lot of her friends were in the same situation. Then she starts listing her friends who are home without any of their children. Please allow me to repeat: my mother really does not get my childlessness at all.

My sister and niece are going to visit later this week. My other sister visited earlier in the fall. I haven't visited in the last 9 months because of the pandemic. I offered to drive five hours for a porch visit back in June before I moved further away, but they didn't want a visit unless it was going to be a "normal" visit. I didn't see them last year for Xmas because I was working two jobs, seven days a week. So I now haven't seen my parents in a year and a half. It's sad. After wrapping up our Xmas morning conversation my mom ended it by saying, "Well, see you someday!" And I replied, "Yes, looking forward to it! I love you. Merry Xmas!"

It was just weird.

*****

But back to my food and decorations... 

I did what I could to prepare for Xmas 2020. I managed what arose in the moments. Weirdness and pandemic aside (yes, that last one's a biggie), it was an enjoyable holiday. I really liked making all of the food and having the tree, lights, and ornaments up for the past month. I'll plan to do the same next year.

I'm glad I've reclaimed the parts of Xmas that I enjoy. 🎄