Another Good Cry

I had another good cry today. It came out of seemingly nowhere. Then again, it does happen to be seven years and one week after my first IVF didn't result in pregnancy. I always seem to cry more January through March. Like this morning. Tears streamed down my face for at least ten minutes.

All I could think was, "Thirty-five years is a long time to think you're going to be a mother. It has only been seven years of knowing I won't be a mom... Go easy on yourself..." 

So I sat there. And cried.
Then I went on with my day. 

I don't really know what else to do. If I don't cry, I just feel cranky and irritable all day. So, I cry. 

I'm happy. I'm sad. I'm both at the same time. It's complicated. I know you understand. 💜

Good News To Share

I was texting with a friend from grad school earlier today. After living elsewhere for several years, she will soon be moving back to her home state to be near her family. She and her husband found and bought a house that they love. Then she interviewed for two different jobs and she just accepted the position she wanted. I know you don't know this person, but isn't that great news?! 

I need more good news in my life.

My negative thought loop has recently included the pandemic, unemployment, inflation, and how to navigate difficult relationships with loved ones, which usually loops me back to the pandemic... Sigh... 

Then I was texting with my friend this morning and I was so happy to hear all of her good news!

I need more of that in my life.
So how about it? What's your good news?

As for me, I am enjoying the last few days of this month-long break I've given myself since ending my last job. Here's some of my good news lately:

• I went and saw a lot of my family over the holidays. I saw my parents (for the second time since 2020), one of my sisters (for the first time since the pandemic!), and my aunt, uncle, and cousins (for the first time in three years!!). Additionally, I had a couple of very good conversations with my other sister on the phone over the weekend. I did not like traveling at all, but I wore N95 masks and took all the precautions I could. I didn't get covid so I can say the trip was worth it. Thank God I saw my family.
  
  
• My boyfriend and I are making the best of our time at home during this period of high infection rates. I started a new quilt for my dad's upcoming birthday, plus a couple of other quilts that I want to try and sell. My boyfriend makes whatever recipe he feels that day and I get to reap the benefits. I've had everything from homemade beer bread to smoked chicken to chocolate chip and coffee cookies lately. We really miss hanging out with other people, but we are thankful for our home.
  
  
• I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do for the next part of my career. I have several ideas and I kind of just want to try everything at once. Maybe things will figure themselves out. What will work out will work out, and what won't, won't. I figure, as long as I am willing to put in the work, *something* will work out...
  
  
• Which brings me to my Word Of The Year for 2022: figure! Hahaha. I wrote about my WOTY for 2021 here. This year I looked at one of my favorite resources again, The Self-Love Rainbow. I did not go through a journaling process this time, mainly because the same phrase kept coming to me over and over. "I will figure it out." My next job? My finances? Starting a small business? Going back to school? (Yes, that's something I'm considering.) Enduring a pandemic?
  
  "I will f*&%ing figure it out."
  
  So, "figure" it is! It's a simple WOTY, but it feels right for me right now.

Again, how about you? What's your good news? 

Do you have a WOTY? What little things are you enjoying? Did you notice yourself thinking positively about yourself any time recently? (Because, hey girl, you ARE badass and beautiful!!) 

Tell me good things. I want to celebrate with you!

Choosing My Thoughts

Today was another tough one.
I imagine this may be somewhat of a collective experience right now.

I felt irritated and restless. Then I felt sad and depressed. I didn't want to do ANYTHING.
Not read or sew or watch tv or eat or shower or organize... All the things I usually feel like doing.

I woke up earlier than usual (naturally, definitely not on purpose haha), got up, drank coffee, ran to get milk and laundry detergent (masked in an N95), and... Went back to bed.

It's the pandemic.
It's month 23 and the infection numbers are higher than ever.
It's scary and depressing. And annoying. And exhausting.

I can't live in bed. I know this. But when I feel like this, I allow it for a day. 

So there I was, lying in bed, snuggled under the covers, alternating between being weepy and being sleepy. It reminded me of dealing with infertility. When there was nothing in my control and no end in sight. 

I thought about what was in my control. And then I thought about how I get to choose what I think about. I realized I was tired of the same 3 - 4 things I'd been thinking about and decided to think of other topics to let my brain rest on. 

Usually I can daydream about quilting lol. I like to think of design ideas, fabric combinations, and the next steps I will take on various projects. But that wasn't working for me today. So I had to find other topics to think about. After letting myself jump around to a bunch of different things on my mind, I rested on being grateful for my home and looking forward to having it put together.

It can be hard to redirect our thoughts, but it's something we can get better at with practice. 

(picture from Ralph Marston at greatday.com)

First Day of 2022 & 2021 Year in Review

Happy New Year! I'm kind of excited about 2022. There are so many quilts I want to make, lol.

*****

Even though I'm looking forward to making quilts and working on my home, the first day of 2022 found me in tears. Loud, wailing tears. I felt so sad and devastated. I really missed my children.

Overall, I like to share how much I love my new life that I've created. The happiness and contentment that I have are very real. But so are the massive losses that prompted all of it. And sometimes I feel my losses and the longing for my children very, very strongly. It's important that I share this part of my life too.

It happened on Saturday morning (1/1/22). I was hanging out with my boyfriend at home when all of a sudden I started tearing up, told him I was having feelings, and went to the bedroom and had a massive cry. A very loud, very painful, very visceral, and very real cry. I did what I could in the moment. I felt it. And it sucked.

Seven years prior (1/1/15) I had my first embryo transfer.

Oh. Yeah...
And January, February, and March have sucked ever since.
(Well, some things can lessen over time... Maybe they will suck less this year?)

So that's how 2022 started. I also felt better later in the day. I really do appreciate all that I do have. I put up the Xmas ornaments, cleaned out the fridge, and did some laundry. I made sausage and jalapeno queso because it felt like a festive thing to do. And, of course, I sewed.

So that's how 2022 started (crying) and how I'm feeling about it (enthusiastic anyway, haha)...

***** 

As for 2021, I read Mali's recent year in review post and wanted to reflect myself.

We all know life has been hard for the last couple of years...
(And, in our CNBC community, we all know it was hard before then too.) 

But... 

DANG, thanks to books, blogs, and a commitment to personal insight and change, 2021 was a major year of personal growth for me. I wrote about it a lot, but here are 3 of my favorite posts.

My first post of the year was written on Jan. 1st when I was feeling strong feelings just like this past Saturday. (Fertility treatments can be so traumatizing. The body definitely remembers!)

Then later in January I wrote a very honest post about how I used to always put everyone else first. It was important that I was honest with myself about this lifelong pattern of mine.

Continuing with my personal growth, I read four books this year:

• Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood
• The Empath's Survival Guide: Life Strategies for Sensitive People by Dr. Judith Orloff
• When Your Mother Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Daniel S. Lobel
• The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson.

I wrote a post about a topic I read about in the second book, Dr. Orloff's concept of energy vampires. All of the books were helpful though. I read the first three when I was unemployed last spring and I read the last one while I was unemployed this past month. So, hey, I take advantage of my time when I'm not working. Cheers to personal growth lol.

Which brings me to my Top 5 Most Read posts of 2021:

     5. My Name is Mine 

(I finished changing my name on everything. I no longer have the last name that my children would've had.)

     4. Feeling Insecure 

(I think feeling insecure is relatable in general. With regard to this post specifically, in hindsight, I think all of my weird feelings about my job were my intuitive instincts just screaming at me to run in the opposite direction. But, it can be hard to know in the moment. Going through infertility definitely shook my sense of security. And my nerves are still frayed.)

     3. Awkward Introduction 

(Yeah, geez, that job was weird... This post highlights the fertile bias that was overwhelmingly present at my new job orientation.)

     2. Fifth Times's the Charm

(The absolute best part of 2021, and hell, from the whole decade of 2011 - 2021 was buying my home. It's not a house I would've bought if I was raising children. It's not even in a town where I would live if I was raising children. But it is perfect. It's perfect for me, perfect for my boyfriend, and perfect for our lives together. Anyway, this post describes all five of the moves I've made since knowing I would be living life after infertility without kids.)

     1. Relatable Words from Others

(I'm surprised this is my most popular post of the year, but it is probably because Mali wrote about it here. Thank you Mali!! This post is about two different patients I had and the comments they made to me. I love providing patient care. I look forward to my next job where I get to do that.)

Then, last but not least, I also really liked my last post of the year.
Each year is full of "insignificant" days.
We deserve to enjoy them.

My first 8-point star blocks!

(Sorry for the bad lighting; it was late at night. This quilt will be for a knitter. Do any of you readers like to knit? I don't know any knitters. I just felt compelled to make these blocks.)

Monday Night

Hello Friends. It's Monday night. It's not a holiday or any other significant night. 

Just another Monday. 

Well, I suppose it's the last Monday of the 2021 calendar year. It's the Monday that falls within the week between Xmas and New Year's. It's a mostly regular Monday where one might go to work, although it's probably a Monday where everyone should just stay home and hibernate. (But, as we all know, society is not very good at accommodating what people actually need.) 

So overall, it's just another Monday night. Which is fine and possibly even worth celebrating. It was a Monday without pretense, a day that held no expectation. Heck, I did 1.5 out of 2 things on my To Do list and felt extremely accomplished. It's not exactly a time for productivity. 

It's a Monday night in winter. I ate some leftover cranberry sauce turnovers, cut some fabric to start a new quilt, and I've now retired to my beloved recliner with a stack of books to peruse.

Wishing you moments to pause, moments of peace, and moments enjoying the little things.  

(I just liked this picture. I searched for images of a winter night quilt and found this. It matches how I'm feeling. Found at http://quiltingdigest.com/a-beautiful-quilt-for-christmas)

Not Sad on Xmas Eve

It's Xmas Eve and I'm not sad. In the past, I didn't feel sad until Xmas morning. But... I don't feel anything lurking beneath the surface. It's fine if I feel sad tomorrow, but I don't think I will. 

I'm excited to open the presents I bought for myself! I already forgot what fabric I ordered.

I'm looking forward to having mashed potatoes. My boyfriend is looking forward to the ham. We are also going to have roasted brussel sprouts, green bean casserole, and homemade beer bread. (His stepdaughter brought us a lot of flavored beer when she came to visit for Thanksgiving and he's been using it to make delicious beer bread.)

I bought two bags of cranberries to make cranberry sauce. I only bought one bag for Thanksgiving and then we ate it all. I didn't have any left to make my annual (as of last year) leftover cranberry sauce turnovers. This time I am prepared! And I have big plans to make the turnovers on Dec. 26th. Lol.

I look forward to drinking my coffee in the morning. To watching my boyfriend unwrap the small silly presents that I bought him. To open all of my fabric boxes. To cook a full meal together. To work on the puzzle that's taken over our dining table. To decide on the next quilt I want to start.
To read, rest, and watch tv.

I'm grateful for my home. I love it here. I'm so comfortable and I'm so happy. 

I have dreams for the future and I am more than content for now. 

I started a Xmas Sampler quilt this year.
I sewed these blocks all month;
then I packed everything up to work on again in December next year!
It will be a festive, multi-year project.
🎄

It is done.

I originally posted this on 12/8/21 under a different title, but then I second guessed myself and unpublished it. But... It's all true, my last two weeks are over (Why does so much that sucks involve a two week wait??), and I now feel more comfortable re-posting this without any edits.

It is done.

*****

Repeating "it's not me" in my head really helped me last week. 

Unfortunately, things at work escalated. Accusations were made, lines were (majorly!) crossed, and I submitted my resignation. The whole thing completely sucks. I feel like crap and I'm out of a job. But what was I going to do? Stay there? Why? For what?

I just don't tolerate bullshit like I used to. I've had bad job after bad job after bad job. I've loved my students and I've loved my patients, but I've never been paid or treated well by an employer.

I know life isn't fair. Most likely, anyone who is reading a CNBC blog knows life isn't fair. 

But I reached my limit many years ago. It was exactly in the moment when I learned my last fertility treatment did not result in pregnancy. In that exact moment, although I had no idea doing what or where, I was determined to live a life that I thought was worth living.

And my most recent job wasn't it. Not by a long shot.

So I'm putting it out there in the Universe: I WILL find another job. But even better than that, I will find a good paying job at a place of employment that treats me well.

Infertility took so much away from me. I won't compromise with anything else in my life.