Other People's Writing Saves Me

I just read something that I needed to read. The last time something resonated with me this hard was over a decade ago when I found Infertility Honesty's blog where she gave me a whole new language with which to understand my experience with life altering trauma.

Back then:
Oh!!! This is grief? I am grieving? Okay, that kinda makes sense... I had no idea this was grief.

Just now:
Oh!!! This is an awakening? This is a thing, this "Great Unfuckening?" This makes a lot of sense.

Let me back up. I've been going through something for the last two years. Two years ago it was 2024 and it was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad year. I broke up with my boyfriend, quit my job, and was devastated by my family. I stopped everything and focused on myself. I changed massively. And quickly. 

My boyfriend and I were only broken up for 3 months, and I actually only lived alone for about 2 weeks. But that short amount of time was transformative. When I sat in my silent living room all alone for those two weeks I thought about everything: my feelings as a little girl, my family dynamics, my boyfriends while growing up, my marriage, my divorce, and my current breakup. I realized so much in an unbelievably short amount of time.

In the two years since, I've remained steadfast in my efforts to put myself first. In fact, I try to put myself first, second, and third. Don't get me wrong. I love everyone. I love my boyfriend, I love my family, and I love total strangers that I don't know. I also love myself. Finally. I like myself too. It's a relief.

But despite my love for everyone, I make myself #1. I have to put myself first. No one else is going to. And it has taken years to develop the habit of asking myself what do I want and what do I need before considering what others want and need.

Anyway, I'm rambling a bit. But it's been tough. Things are really difficult with my family and after reading this post, Aging Out of Fucks: The Neuroscience of Why You Suddenly Can't Pretend Anymore by Ellen Scherr, I feel seen. I feel known. And I understand myself better.

I've got to share some quotes with you:

• "As estrogen levels shift in perimenopause and beyond, this intense drive to please and nurture others begins to diminish. What replaces it isn't bitterness. It's clarity."
  
  I feel this. From the drop in my strong nurturing drive to the clarity that is newly emerging, I feel this so much.
  
  
• "Decades of chronic low-level stress from constant social monitoring takes a biological toll... What looks like 'not having a filter' might actually be a stress response system that's finally saying 'enough'."
  
  Yes, I am actually worn out. Completely done. Put a fork in me. I can't overfunction for others anymore. Not my mom. Not a partner. Not any employer. I know more now. I see what I was doing. And now I am done.

The author talks about how we literally don't have it in us anymore to people please. She talks about the shifts that happen when we stop performing and stop providing our free emotional labor: other people get uncomfortable. She reminds us that other people's discomfort is not our problem to fix.

• "All the energy you spent managing everyone else's experience? That's now available for literally anything else. The return on investment is staggering."
  
  
• "You're not becoming difficult; you're becoming free."

I am sharing this article in case it's what you need to read too.

I found this embroidery kit if you're looking for a new hobby. I went to a workshop about decorative stitching a couple of weeks ago, and it made me think I'd like embroidery.

So Many Kids But Not Me

My friends have a lot of kids. 

I got three holiday cards last month and they're all on my fridge because they are all from people that I really care about. And they're from different parts of my life, from age 17 to age 37. One of the cards is from one of my best friends from high school. She has two kids. Her daughter was the last baby I held. That baby is 11 now. Another card is from my best friend from college. She has three kids. The youngest just started kindergarten this year. And the third card is from my friend from graduate school ten years ago, the young guy that had the baby with his wife. They've had two more since then. So that's three friends with a total of eight kids.

Then I think about my other best friends from high school. One of them has two kids. Her oldest just turned 18 and will be graduating high school this year. The other friend has three kids, and they're all under ten years old. 

My other best friend from college doesn't have any kids. And our mutual friend from college doesn't have any kids either. I guess most of our acquaintances do though.

Then another close friend from grad school just had her third kid last week. 

So... There are the 8 kids on my fridge, plus 5 more kids from high school friends, and another 3 kids from a grad school friend. Holy cow, that's 16 kids. And that's only among six friends. I have more friends. That's a lot! I could open a virtual private school just for my friends' kids lol.

It just strikes me as weird. When it's totally normal. But I think it's weird that my friends have all these kids. But I probably wouldn't think it was weird if I would've had kids. 

And really, I'm the "weird" one. Not them. I'm the one that's not like most everyone else. 

I don't know why I've been thinking about this so much lately, but I have. It's like I just realized that among my friends there are, like, a billion kids. And that's what they're all doing. Raising their kids. Feeding their kids. Taking their kids to school and practice and their friends' houses and whatever.

I think I'm discombobulated from moving, and I've been thinking about how different my life is at 46 from what I imagined it was going to be. 

I like my life. I like it a lot actually. It's just weird to live a life that's completely different from what I pictured and from what everyone else is doing.

I just ordered this book. Sounds interesting!

Weird Worrying

My cycle was late this month. I was expecting it Saturday or Sunday. Monday at the latest. I started on Wednesday. I mean, I take the pill so it's weird for it to be late.

Um, a quick note on that. I have mixed feelings about taking the pill. I mean, why? I'm infertile. But I got back on it when I was grieving deeply. I couldn't handle getting my period every month so I went back on the pill so I'd at least know when it was coming. So I could be somewhat mentally prepared. 

I don't need it for that anymore. Getting my period doesn't make me sad anymore. Plus, I'm older and my body is changing naturally and I really don't think I need it. Anyway, I'll figure it out. I need to find a new doctor here and establish care anyway.

But starting my cycle doesn't make me sad anymore. In fact, I learned this week that NOT starting my cycle makes me sad.

It was WEIRD. I was so worried. And annoyed. Very, very annoyed. I spent years wanting to get pregnant and now I'm worried/mad/sad that I might be? It was weird.

But, like I said, I'm older and my body is changing and I'll find a new doctor and talk about things.

But I'm feeling MUCH better today and yesterday. 

Relieved.

When It's Hard To Connect

My life isn't organized around my children. That must be obvious since I don't have children. But it's such a sneaky little (big) thing that I forget myself and it's my life. But, that's probably because I'm living my life, which is not organized around my children as we just established, so when I remember that the rest of the world's is AND they expect mine to be organized in the same way... Well, it can be jarring. It makes me feel like a puzzle piece that never quite fits in.

Traveling reminded me. I took a really cool trip with my mom and sisters last month. It was a lot of fun and we met some other nice people too. But wow, does everyone talk about their kids and grandkids nonstop. I mean, they really do. It's an objective fact. This isn't me being sensitive. 

My mom even started telling her birth story about having me one night when it was just me and my sisters. They were reminiscing about the night I was born. I interrupted to say, "I usually don't listen to any mother's birth story, but I'll listen to yours because it's about me."

One of my sisters always talks about her kid. Always has. It's a little weird and now it feels awkward for me because I don't talk to her adult kid but whatever. That's my sister and that's her kid that I've known for the kid's whole life. I listen. It's fine. 

Hearing about other people's kids constantly doesn't hurt me like it used to. It makes sense. These people have kids so it makes sense for them to talk about them. I just noticed on the trip how much this topic can dominate conversations. There were several group dinners where I just didn't say much at all. (But don't worry about me, the food was awesome, haha.)

And you know it's not just my family. It was the various people we met too. Everyone talked about their kids and their grandkids. A lot. Again, normal. I mean, not for me. But it's normal for them.

But it was so much that I even asked the sister I was rooming with, "Do you notice how much everyone talks about their kids?" And she said yes, she'd definitely noticed. She also said she didn't know if she would've noticed if I wasn't there. But with my presence, she realized how common the conversation topic was.

So I noticed the obvious while traveling--that my life isn't organized around children.

But I also notice it now that I've moved. 

Obviously, I don't have any friends here. I just moved and I don't know anyone. Luckily, every co-worker I've met has been nice and friendly. But, you know, those are my co-workers. I would hope they could be nice and friendly, at least on the surface.

So then I think about where and how to meet some new friends. I know these things take time. Good friendships can take years to form. That's fine. I'm in no hurry. I never want to leave my house anyway, haha. That's actually why I'm thinking about this now. I know I will want to have a friend or two in a couple of years, so I know I better start leaving my house every now and then for something social so I can meet some people. 

But my age group is still busy raising their kids.

This is nothing new to me, but I am confronting it all over again as I think about how to meet new people. It just comes back to how your life is organized. And people's priorities and activities can be very different. We are all busy, but we are busy doing different things on different schedules. 

 

Clip art found on Vecteezy

I'm going to try a sewing workshop. 

A lot of them are during the day while I'm at work, but there are still some offered in the evenings and on the weekends. I signed up for one in a couple of weeks. A day long workshop where we learn a new technique and create a completed project in the day. I know I won't want to go when the day comes, haha. (I'll feel tired and just want a break.) But then I am going to make myself go and I know I'll be glad I went. Whether I end up liking the project or not isn't the point, although
I think I'll like it. 

It's good to get out of the house, be around people, and try something new.

Relax

My wish for 2026 is stability and my goal is to relax.

Photo from Vecteezy

Recovered from Burnout in 2025

I had a good holiday. I was in my new home with my boyfriend and cats. We didn't decorate this year, but we opened some small presents in the morning. I called my parents and texted his mom. Then every place was closed so we were forced to cook when we got hungry, haha. Fortunately, that means our kitchen is unpacked to a functional level. Yay! So I made a spontaneous holiday meal: roasted brussel sprouts, mashed potatoes, and homemade mac and cheese. It felt so good to have a cozy sense of normalcy.

I haven't sewn in months. I miss it. I miss feeling the fabric, hearing the rhythmic hum of the machine, and creating something cute and/or beautiful. But I'm getting closer... I unpacked my sewing machine this weekend, and I found my thread and notions. I ordered an inexpensive table to sew on because I donated my dining room table when we moved. I'll be sewing again soon. I probably won't unpack all of my fabric, but I will have what I need for a project or two.

Moving doesn't get easier. Maybe it gets harder. I was comfortable where I was. I lived there for five years. For four years, I lived in a home that I owned. I won't be settled like that for a while. But I'm glad I moved. This place will be better for us in the long-run. It has jobs and housing.

My hope for 2026 is stability. I know that's not in my control, but I will gladly take whatever stability comes my way. I hope my job stays fine, my rental stays fine, my car stays fine, my relationships stay fine, I stay fine, and my cats stay fine. (Lol! I'm not asking for much!) 

I've been saying it for years now, but I will gladly take a boring year. Please. :)

We are wrapping up 2025. I'm reflecting like I usually do this time of year. The first half of 2025 was all about recovering from burnout after a difficult first half of 2024. It took a full year of reducing my demands to recover from extreme burnout sustained after a decade. Then all of a sudden, the last third of 2025 was all about moving (literally) at rapid speed.

You can say this about any year, but it's the first time I've ever thought about it. Year 2025 was the bridge I needed to get from 2024 (awful) to 2026 (hopefully much better). I really focused on my mental and physical health. I slept a lot. I started practicing yoga several times a month. I kept sewing but slowed it down. I avoided making new commitments while I continued following through with what I'd already said I'd do. I slowly reset and regained my energy. Then I looked for and found a good full-time job in another state and moved.

As soon as I could, I did. 

But first I had to rest. Then I had to do the work.

That's how recovery goes. 

I got the picture above from this post about how to recover from burnout, written by a facility that offers a variety of programs to treat stress, trauma, and mental health disorders. I don't know about this organization, but I like their post and graphic.

Also, yoga for self-care can be so cliche... But... It really does help. 

Yoga means "to yoke," to connect. Practicing yoga means connecting your breathing with your movement. So, inhale slowly and raise your arms over your head. Exhale slowly and lower your arms. Do that several more times. It's calming. Yoga is literally the stilling of the thought waves of the mind (yoga sutra 1.2).

Home for Solstice

I just had the greatest weekend. I wasn't moving, working, or traveling. And, my new couch was delivered! It felt great to relax at home and have a place where we could both sit down. I went to the grocery store, unpacked some kitchen stuff, and did some laundry. None of these things are very exciting, but it's very exciting to get to do them after months of living in transit.

I want to hold on to this excitement for the simple things. 

I'm so damn content to be where I am. I am so damn grateful to have my new job, new rental, my cats, my boyfriend, my family and friends spread across the country and world, and very importantly, the kind relationship I have with myself.

We left our old couch. It was a great couch. I bought it when I got divorced. It was comfy and in great condition. But, it was big and heavy. And ultimately, it didn't make it on the moving truck. 

I knew I wanted to get a new couch as soon as possible. But I get overwhelmed with errands, options, and big, rare expenditures. I mean, we don't buy couches very often... What was I going to get? Where was I going to shop? What did I want in a couch?

I also knew I didn't want to spend a lot of time shopping for a couch. We went to a couple of stores last Saturday, and I figured out what I wanted pretty quickly. We slept on the idea overnight and went back the next day to buy what we wanted. 

I'm giddy. I'm so damn happy. I'm no longer shopping for a couch or waiting for a couch to be delivered. It's here. I'm sitting on my couch right now. It's comfy. It reclines. It's not heavy. And they had two of the exact same couches on the showroom floor, so we got ours for 50% off. Did I mention that I'm happy?

The new place still needs some decorating. And unpacking. Not sure how much unpacking and decorating I'm going to do, but I'll do enough so it feels like home. Some things on the walls and maybe some rugs. 

I'm not decorated for Xmas this year. I'm not going to decorate at all. We've got some ornaments to unwrap on Xmas Day, but we won't hang them until next year. I'm fine with this. Every year is different and this is how this year is. I'm just glad the move is behind us. I'll figure out my new city and new routines over time.

Happy Winter Solstice if you're on this part of the planet! 

It's been short days and dark nights for awhile, but the light is coming.

You can see a Xmas quilt on the new couch. That's the one decoration we have this year lol.
Home.

The picture above was found on a blog post of this website: Danna Bananas.
I don't know this blog (but it looks like she sells funny gifts); I just really like the Winter Solstice. 

It feels like such a special day.