I will never have children. This was an unfathomable nightmare/reality for me to face at first, but it has gotten easier with time. For 35 years I thought I'd be a mom and I planned my life around it, including the career I chose, the man I married, and the house we bought. It makes sense that I could not change my lifelong thinking overnight.
Knowing I am not going to have children is easier than trying to get pregnant. Living my life knowing that I won't have kids is easier than coping with the initial years after the realization. My life is not easy, but it's a whole lot easier than it was.
I still get sad. Moments come and go throughout the week. Several days ago I saw an acquaintance with her two little kids. They made a cute picture, the three of them walking off into the sunset. I felt nostalgic for something I've never had.
Then last night I cried. I had a moment where I was very sad about not having children and so I cried for a couple of minutes. It came after a fun night out with friends. With food, drinks, music, conversation, and a late night, I think I was overstimulated and that's what triggered it. I'm just so dang sensitive. Oh well.
But I feel happy too. There are things I look forward to. I feel joyful, enthusiastic, and grateful. Not all the time of course. That would be weird. But it's nice to feel positive feelings when all I felt for many years were negative feelings and emptiness. It's no small feat to enjoy the life we're living.
I will never have children, but now that I know that, it frees me to live the life that I do have.
Oh my gosh, yes, this: "I will never have children, but now that I know that, it frees me to live the life that I do have. " I felt like the uncertainty, the NOT KNOWING, was the worst. It just sucked the life out of me. I agree, it was so hard to have that definitive "this isn't happening, ever" transition, but once that happened, it was doable. And it felt weirdly lighter, even though there will always be grief. Waiting and hoping and striving and crushing disappointment over and over is just so heavy. I think that would have made me sad, too. I had a moment the other day myself where I was talking about how the thing that makes me saddest about not having kids is not having the chance to be the mom I wanted to have, which sounds harsh (and I can't write it on my blog, ha), but even just saying that made me start to cry. But then it passed. It is such a blessing that these things happen and then pass now. Sending you love!
ReplyDeleteThe not knowing was The Worst. There's only so much "waiting and hoping and striving and crushing disappointment over and over" that a person can take!
DeleteSending hugs to Jess too!!! She's got me thinking now.
DeleteKnowing that you'll never have kids, and accepting it, grieving it, is what frees you to live the life that you have. And that indeed is a gift. Sending love right back to you!
ReplyDeleteSo true! But it's so hard to do. But you're right--it's such a gift we can give ourselves, even if it doesn't feel like a gift while going through it. <3
DeleteThat life "in limbo" was so hard! I agree. Now I won't say that the first years of grief were easy either, but now that I have re-oriented myself and adjusted my life to "what is" instead of what I would have wanted, I feel a lot calmer.
ReplyDeleteYou sound so very healthy in the way you know yourself and deal with things. I admire you for that <3.
Yes! We have to re-orient ourselves completely. Like you, now that I've been through it, I feel calmer.
DeleteThere is something reassuring about already having the worst thing possible happen to me. Because, to me, not raising kids was the worst possible outcome in life. But now that the worst thing has already happened, I know I can get through anything.