Wow. Nine years already? It's so true: the days are long, but the years are short.
My first IVF failure was definitely the worst of all of my failed treatments, but my three IUIs and second IVF sucked too. You just put so much into the process. Time, money, hope. Driving to appointments. Bloodwork. Ultrasounds. Facing your fears and giving yourself injections. Facing your worst nightmare and not knowing how to get through it.
And for what?
To feel more empty and broken than before?
I was completely lost nine years ago. For 35 years, I knew I would be a mother. I'd get pregnant and have kids. If that didn't happen, there was IVF or adoption. Something would work out.
I was wrong.
Being childless not-by-choice shattered my beliefs. It interrupted and completely derailed my life. It destroyed the perfectly reasonable future that I had planned.
Now what.
How was I going to deal with this and what the fuck was I going to do with the rest of my life?
I didn't know.
And now, nine years later, I know: I'm gonna change careers, get divorced, move a bunch, and buy a house. I'm gonna discover a new hobby I love, love the spot where I live, appreciate the jobs that I have, and start to feel the peace and contentment I deserve.
But back then I didn't know. I was devastated, depleted, lost, sad, lonely, isolated, and clueless.
I'm not even saying anything in this post really. I'm just reflecting on my 9th survivor anniversary and how I felt back then and now. And my 9th anniversary means next year will be my 10th anniversary. A whole decade. What feels like many lifetimes.
Back then it was year 2015. Think about that. How much has changed in the last nine years. How much the world has changed, society has changed, and we have changed. It's been so nearly insurmountably difficult. All of it. But daaang the resilience. That I have. That we have.
I am so proud of us.
I'm so proud of you too! Nine years is worth marking. And yes, 2015 does feel like a lifetime or two ago! I love the flower photo. It is perfect to describe you and your blog, and other No Kidding survivors. Beauty and strength arising from difficulties.
ReplyDeleteI undertand you so well! My Infertility destroyed my whole life!
ReplyDeleteI was sure I responded to this - sorry if I never pressed "Publish"! I love this. Nine years is worth marking! I'm so proud of you, and the rest of our readers and fellow bloggers. The photo too is beautiful - it says it all. Sending hugs.
ReplyDeleteNine years! Wow.
ReplyDeleteYes, it has been difficult. And I am proud of you, of us, too.
Thank you for still being here and for writing. You are amazing!
Easter Monday greetings all the way from Switzerland <3
These dates always stick in my mind too, and make me think about how much time has passed and all the changes since then. I'm proud of us -- and you! -- too! :) And I love the photo!
ReplyDeleteI'm so proud of you, too! I love the flower coming up out of the crack. Beauty from devastation! I think our medical journeys ended around the same time... It's crazy how time works. Sending you love and admiration for your resilience!
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