Monday, July 27, 2020

Won't Stay Stuck

Moving sucks, but I can't stay here. I know it's not where I want to settle, which is why I started updating my resume back in December. I started applying for jobs in January. That seems so long ago now, way longer than it's actually been.

I just won't stay stuck. I refuse. I mean, I can stay for awhile. Geographically, emotionally, etc. I can definitely stop and honor wherever I am for an extended period of time, but, ultimately, I always move forward.

I couldn't stay stuck in the house I bought for my children. I couldn't stay stuck living in the city where I planned to raise my children. And I couldn't stay stuck in the lonely marriage I was in.

And so I continue to move forward, albeit at a slower pace than I'd like. That moving truck I was waiting two weeks for? Yeah, it isn't available... Apparently, the company can only fill their reservations for one-way truck rentals within 48 hour windows. My turn was up yesterday and there were no large trucks available for today.

Oh a two week wait that ended with an undesired outcome? I've been here before. Lots of times.

Moving forward!

Luckily, there was a truck available for tomorrow. It's not a large truck, but at this point I'm just relieved to have a truck. Moving during a pandemic sucks an extra lot. I just need to get moved.

So, it might take my boyfriend and me two looong roundtrips to move, but we have a truck! I'm not stuck here. Which is good, because I don't like to stay stuck... ;) I like to keep moving forward, one small step at a time.

Tuesday, July 14, 2020

Remembering My Old Way of Thinking

I had a small experience yesterday that reminded me of how much I've changed.

I went online to reserve a moving truck for later this week. I was hoping to move on Wednesday or Thursday, but I quickly learned that wouldn't be possible. Oh... I mean, I thought I might be cutting it close trying to rent a truck at the last minute, but it turns out... I was right. There were no available trucks near me all week.

So I reserved a truck for the first day available. For two weeks from now.

Big sigh...
I thought...
What in the world am I going to do while I wait here for two weeks...

I started going through a mental list of what still needs to be packed and where I am in my various quilting projects... I was also telling myself to take a break and just take it one day at a time. There are plenty of things I can do on my To Do list. Or not. :)

And then it hit me. Two weeks! I remember years of my life being dominated by the Two Week Wait and I had honestly completely forgotten about that whole entire concept (TWW) and all the millions of other TTC-related acronyms.

I had totally forgotten.

I loved it. It made me smile. A concept/time period that used to always be on my mind has totally slipped from familiarity for me. It made me happy to realize that my thinking has naturally changed over time. I no longer feel controlled by a two week wait. I no longer even think about it.

I decided to give myself a break. I'll be productive or not. I'll get bored or I won't. The fact of the matter is I'm not moving for two more weeks. I have to wait for an available truck. For two more weeks I will stay safe and stay here. For two more weeks I will wait.

But I can do that.
I did that for years.
But now it's so much better.

Saturday, July 11, 2020

Slowing Down while Moving Forward

Summer is definitely here. It may not be the summer we planned or envisioned, but it is here nonetheless. The days are long and the heat is intense. I keep thinking about the summer solstice last month, the pop articles that I read about it, and the concept of slowing down for the season. It makes perfect sense and I've been putting it into practice.

I'm no longer employed by the school district or the hospital where I was working. My new job doesn't start until next month. So these days I've been waking up without an alarm, drinking coffee, and easing into the day at a leisurely pace. Then I eat breakfast and pack. After several hours of that, I'm tired and it's hot and it's the perfect time to take a nap so I do that. A siesta, if you will. Every day this week. Then I wake up, do some laundry/dishes, and pack some more. Or I don't and I just sew, read, or watch tv.

That's the excitement you've been missing over here. So much to write about, huh? Haha. :)

Speaking of reading, there were two well-written posts that really resonated with me this week: one about living on the periphery of others' lives as a childless woman and another one that very honestly captures what it's like to lose your dream of motherhood. I will return to both of these posts to read them again.

But back to moving, this one is different from the others. It's smaller. In so many ways. Less stuff, less emotional baggage. Don't get me wrong, moving still totally sucks, but I'm grateful that every move I've made in the last four years has been an improvement. I keep moving forward.

I don't know how I will make friends though. Making friends as an adult can be difficult. Making friends as a woman without children can feel almost impossible. And now I'm moving to a new place in the middle of a pandemic. I'll just keep my expectations low and look for friendly faces when I start working again. I also found a place where I want to volunteer so I can check that out and see how they are operating under current precautions. One day it will be safe to congregate again and I look forward to meeting people in my new town. Over time, it will happen.

Right now it is a time to slow down. Well, for me, it's also a time to pack up and move lol, but overall... It's summer, it's hot, it's easy to get overheated, and it's easy to get overwhelmed.

Speaking of feeling overwhelmed... Current events are causing me to live with a constant, not-so-low level of stress. I've noticed that I'm slightly agitated and a little more anxious than usual. It's easy for me to think about how much I hate the pandemic, to ruminate over what it has already ruined, and to ponder the devastating long-term consequences of it all. So I allow myself time each day to read news articles to stay informed and then I read other topics or work on other tasks. I also noticed I was talking about the pandemic a lot, so I am making a conscious effort to talk about other topics instead. Basically, I'm doing what I did while learning how to cope with infertility. I firmly believe in dealing with reality, but I also believe in balancing traumatic experiences with enjoying the little things (or at least giving myself breaks).

Honestly, I didn't even want to write that paragraph above. I didn't want to mention the pandemic, but it is so pervasive in our world and in my thoughts that it would be a huge omission of my current reality to not talk about it at least a little bit.

So, reality acknowledged, I'd like to return to the message of the season. Summer can be an exciting, energetic time, but it's important that we pace ourselves. Don't overly exert yourself during the heat of the day. It's summer, it's hot, and it's time to

S  l  o  w     d  o  w  n     .  .  .