If you read my last post about my burnout, thank you. It feels nice to be heard. Plus, we are never alone. If I'm feeling that way, someone else out there is feeling it too. I write to connect because feeling alone really sucks. I like *being* alone; I enjoy my own company. But *feeling* alone feels really lonely and like nobody understands.
So, anyway... I'm managing extreme burnout right now and that's okay. A lot of us are. We do what we can and rest when we can. For me, what's left of 2024 is scheduled with work, trips, and research goals. And I'm not making any more plans. And I will keep making sure I don't commit myself to a whole lot for 2025.
I think I will need to look for a new healthcare job next year. The commute is getting harder for me. It's getting longer, both with congestion and construction. It's a big drain on me after a demanding work day. I've commuted for most of my working life. But just because I CAN do something, it doesn't mean I have to.
My in-town part-time job is still going well. I do not make very much, but it pays for my half of the bills and I'm so damn happy. I really enjoy it. The place, the people. I like what we do there.
I've just been thinking about a lot... Between work stuff and family issues, July 2024 was one of the hardest months of my life. And that's saying something. Because we all know going through infertilty is the worst. (Plus, I went through a big breakup at the beginning of the year. At least that terribleness was followed by a massive effort of communicating and working through things with my boyfriend and us getting back together.)
So I've been thinking... What is working for me? What isn't? What is in my control to change? What's important to me? How do I want to spend my time and energy?
I read an awesome book. It's called Drama Free by Nedra Glover Tawwab. It's subtitled A Guide for Managing Unhealthy Family Relationships. I learned a lot of good information and strategies from this book. I treated it like a textbook. I highlighted and wrote in it as I read it. It was a lot. I finished reading it and felt like I had finished taking a course. (I skipped the chapter about parenting.) I was very glad I read it, and I was very glad to be done. I mean, it's not like anyone in my family is doing any self-study to improve their communication or relationships with me. I just don't want to focus on this topic anymore.
So it's the end of another month. The next four months are my favorite. I love the fall (especially Thanksgiving) and winter. I plan to follow through with my commitments and enjoy working on several different quilts. I'm not making any more plans than I already have, and I am prioritizing my physical and mental health. Not work. (Although, yes, working is not negotiable; I have to work. But that's why I'm so thankful for my part-time job.) Not family. Not anyone or anything else.
Me. What I want. What I need.
And what does any of this have to do with infertility?
Well, before that devastating, traumatic, and life-changing experience I NEVER put myself first. It was always my family first. And then it was my friends. And then my boyfriends/husband. And, as much as I hate to admit it, I also internalized society's expectations and prioritized what I was told to be important. (Do you do any of this? It's worth thinking about.)
But after living a life that literally nobody else I knew was living (i.e., childless not by choice), I finally truly realized that my life is MINE. Nobody else may understand it and they don't have to. I don't owe anyone anything, including any explanations.
So I'm gonna take the rest of the year to really think on all of that. I want to move through burnout by resting, re-evaluating what I let in, and establishing new boundaries. I really want a new mindset to settle in and take hold in my subconscious. My 18 year old self never cared what others thought. I want to reclaim and reintegrate her.
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