I don't expect others to "get over" their parented status. Once you're a mom, you're a mom. It doesn't change. Why do I feel like some people want me to "get over" my childlessness? It's a part of me. It's who I am. It's not the entirety of who I am, but it has a big influence on my life.
Just like having children can change everything for someone, not having children can change everything too. Having children affects your life in major ways, from the big stuff down to your daily routines, and so does not having children when you planned for them your whole life.
I am not sad every day like I used to be. Far from it. Being sad every day was a part of it for me, but I am no longer in that place. I have moved along the road of my life. But it still affects me.
It affects what I do for work (I changed careers), where I live (I moved out of the suburbs and to a different state), and how I spend my time (no sports practice, birthday parties, or carpool lines for me -- two of which I was actually looking forward to). Involuntary childlessness affects everything.
And people don't seem to get that. Although they do seem to make quick assumptions.
Why do I get hate for taking a nap?
(Parents can take naps, eventually anyway. Their kids grow up.)
Why do I get judged for spending time on hobbies?
(Plenty of women throughout time have raised children and quilted.)
Why am I assumed to not have an important schedule or responsibilities?
(I still work, run errands, have appointments, eat, sleep, shower, and stay on top of dishes and laundry like everyone else. I have things to do, whether I like it or not. And I also do not have unlimited energy.)
It's just short-sighted. And annoying.
*****
The holiday season starts this week. It's an easy time to feel dismissed or misunderstood.
I used to love October, November, and December. Then they were extremely painful for years. Now I love them again but only because I've reclaimed the parts I like.
As your family and friends start to make plans for the rest of 2024, pay attention to what you want to do and what you don't want to do. You're allowed (and encouraged!) to make decisions based on what fits YOUR life, not everyone else's.
💜
This is such a good point! I never thought about it this way. Of course we don't expect anyone to "get over" parenthood. So why should we be expected to get over childlessness?
ReplyDeleteI really don't understand what is wrong with taking naps or sewing beautiful quilts! Does this mean that the person being negative about this is jealous and unhappy with their own life? Just where exactly does that come from? I wonder.
Thank you so much for the reminder regarding the holiday season! It's funny. We discussed this topic last night when saying goodbye to my sister and brother-in-law. I must say I got quite upset and wondered what I want to do in the future, being the only one in my family to not have kids now. Do I try to tag along with my siblings and parents all revolving around their kids? Will I always feel excluded? And, if I protect myself emotionally and don't join them for Christmas anymore, am I excluding myself and making myself lonely in the long-term? It is so very complicated... Then, on our way home on the train, I saw this post. It immediately made me feel seen. Thank you, Phoenix <3.
Family and holidays combined with involuntary childlessness is just really, really tough. A lot of things have changed for me this year, and things with my family shifted drastically this summer. This year I've planned a trip to see my parents in November and February. I don't think I'll travel for the big family get together in December, but I haven't totally decided yet. Every year is different so we just gotta go with how things are each year. Your siblings won't always have babies and little ones, but they will for a while. You can spend time and nurture relationships with everyone in your family without necessarily joining all of the holiday stuff. You can do whatever you want. And you don't even have to know what that is yet. <3
Delete