How do you feel about weddings? Are you invited to any? Do you love them, dread them, or do you not feel strongly one way or another? Have your feelings changed over time? I'm just curious.
Maybe I've been lucky but most of the weddings I've attended have been great. I've never been stuck in a long, boring ceremony, and most of the receptions have been a lot of fun. But when I think about it, most of the weddings I've been to were quite a while ago. I think I've only been to two in the last decade.
I used to love weddings. I still like them, but I don't love them the way I used to.
I think infertility changed them for me. I always associated marriage with having children for myself because that's what I wanted to do: get married and have kids. It's the norm in society. So weddings often reference future children and that always stings because 1) it sucks that that didn't work out for me and 2) I hope the newly married couple doesn't have to go through infertility if they want to conceive children.
Interestingly, I don't think divorce changed weddings too much for me. I loved being married. And I love being divorced. However, whereas getting married was really fun, getting divorced was obviously not fun. But still, my experience with marriage and divorce doesn't change my feelings about weddings.
I will say this though. I gave everyone a plus-one to my wedding. If you were going to come to my wedding, I wanted you to enjoy your time with someone, whether it was your boyfriend, girlfriend, best friend, or mother. I didn't care.
When I think of the last two weddings I've attended, they were weird. I attended the last two weddings alone. Even when you know people at the wedding, it feels weird to go to one alone. I mean, the whole thing is a celebration of a relationship. (I don't have to be in a romantic relationship, but it's more fun to enjoy the event with someone. Twenty years ago I took my best friend to a wedding for another friend, and she and I had a great time.)
The first wedding I went to alone was because my husband didn't want to go. So he didn't go. So I traveled out of state to go to my cousin's wedding by myself. I stayed in a nice hotel room by myself and attended the ceremony (where future children were definitely referenced and I was going through infertility at the time) and then the reception by myself. Earlier in the day I went to lunch and a museum with my dad, and at the reception I ended up getting to know and hanging out with the wife of one of my cousins. I had a good time, but it felt weird to be childless and alone at the wedding.
The second wedding I went to alone was recent. I went alone because my boyfriend was very rudely and explicitly not invited. I was hurt but went anyway because it was a person very close to me. Well, it was a person who I thought I was close to. Anyway, I went. And I was the only person there in a relationship whose partner was not invited. I felt like how I feel during the holiday season sometimes, like I'm a person just looking from the outside in on everyone else's families during a joyous time. Again, it felt weird to be childless and alone at the wedding. Not to mention the hurtful things that were said.
I still like weddings. I don't know how many more will be in my future. But if I'm invited and able to go, I will. I love love. And I love the team approach to life. So I love to celebrate two people getting married and becoming a team. The ceremonies are usually short, and the receptions are fun because it's just happy people celebrating.
I still enjoy weddings, but I doubt I'll go to one alone again.
Hey Phoenix, good questions. I've never been to a wedding alone. I agree with you that it's only polite to invite partners/plus-ones, even if the guest is not married themselves. I generally enjoy weddings, BUT I'll add the caveat that we haven't been invited to a huge number of them in recent years. If we had a lot to go to, the novelty factor might wear off pretty quickly, lol. Weddings hereabouts can be pretty elaborate affairs and can be VERY expensive in terms of the gift(s) you're expected to bring (generally enough cash to cover the cost of your meal, plus a little extra for the couple) -- especially if you add in the umpteen and increasingly elaborate engagement parties, showers, stag parties, stag-and-does, bachelorette parties/weekends, "destination" weddings, etc. etc...! And if you go to more than one or two a year, they can really add up...!
ReplyDeleteDh & I are both past the age when our peers are getting married (and if they are, it's likely not for the first time) -- but their kids are! Both our nephews got married within the past decade, and a couple of dh's cousins' kids. Now the cousins' kids who would have been our daughter's peers are getting engaged. The first wedding of that group (dh's cousin's son, six months older than our daughter would have been) will be next August. He's a nice kid, but I'm not sure how I'm going to feel about that one...!
Yeah, I've never had to go to a lot of weddings in a short amount of time. That probably helps. Also, I wouldn't be able to do a bunch of parties and trips AND a wedding. I don't have the time, energy, or money for multiple events.
DeleteThere's definitely an aspect of childlessness that can make a wedding hard, especially if you've watched the kid grow up. <3
Thank you for this post. I found it through Melissa at Stirrup Queens. I haven’t been to many weddings in my life and only a few that were fun. My own wedding ( church wedding) was the most fun wedding I’ve been to and it only cost $1000. It was DIY and everyone was invited. I am so upset for you that your boyfriend was not invited and everyone else’s was invited to the recent wedding. That sounds so unpleasant. And mean spirited. I was invited to a baby shower at work - everyone is invited - and I wondered how I felt about that. I have two kids through DE / DS IVF and I did have a couple of baby showers that had nothing to do with me planning them - but I generally find them cringy - and the invite was all pink and over the top as it’s a girl. I decided I wasn’t going to get involved. I feel like baby showers and all the trappings of pregnancy and baby stuff is so obscenely over blown and glosses over any heartbreak like infertility, still birth and miscarriage - so many things that are related - but that no one talks about once someone is pregnant. It’s all too much - and I don’t want to be part of an event that could bring so much sadness to one of my co workers - there are bound to be at least a couple who are struggling with this. I often wonder when people get pregnant if they know about the other side of pregnancy - if anyone has told them - or if they are blissfully ignorant. Sorry to go on and on.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your thoughts. Isn't it interesting how thinking about one thing (weddings) can lead to another thing (baby showers) which leads to other things (how these social and cultural events are related and how they can be either celebratory or heartbreaking)? I feel like I was following your line of thought throughout your comment.
DeleteThings can be a lot. There's a lot of layers to everything. And that's why we should only do the things we want to do. Go to the events we want to go to and don't go to the others. That is easier said than done a lot of the times though. <3