Friday, May 19, 2017

Facing My Stuff

I went to my storage unit yesterday. I envisioned spending several hours there, going through things, and loading up a lot of stuff to give away. I lasted about an hour. 😄

But I made lists! And I have an action plan for next time.

When we moved from our house to this rental property fifteen months ago, we cut our square footage in half. I gave away a lot of things but still had a lot of stuff I wanted to keep so we got a small storage unit. I could barely deal with everything on my plate back then (deep in grief, very sad about losing my children, very sad about losing life as I knew it). I just packed up all my baby stuff. I knew I would deal with it later.

Last summer I cleaned out all of my paperwork and stuff from the fertility doctor. There was a lot of documentation! And you know what I ended up keeping? The pictures of my embryos. Everything else was shredded/recycled. I realized I didn't need any of it. But I only concluded this after going through every single piece of paper. It was an emotional day.

Last fall I went to the storage unit and was able to get rid of more stuff. The more time I spent away from it, the easier it became to deal with and get rid of. Most notably, I gave my rocking horse that my grandpa made me to my cousin for her baby.


Honestly, I was saving so much stuff for my kids. Old stuff of mine that I wanted to show them. Old toys and books. (They just don't make stuff like they used to, hahaha, but seriously...)

A couple of months ago I texted an old friend from high school. I know he and his wife wanted kids but haven't had any yet. I asked him, "Are you saving a bunch of stuff for your kids? What do I do with all this stuff I saved for my kids??" He wrote back saying, yes, he had a bunch of Star Wars stuff that he was saving and he had recently started to wonder what he was going to do with it all. It seems this is a common thing among people who thought they were going to parent.

And of course our kids probably wouldn't have been interested in our old stuff. I know that. But still. I miss that I won't get to share it with them.

Plus, we had bought them a house. We bought a four-bedroom house for our kids. And we were filling it up. Not cluttered, we are kind of minimalists. But I still like to decorate a little. Some framed art and large vases. So now I have half a house in storage: tons of kids' stuff, lots of books (I miss them! my dream home has floor to ceiling bookshelves), and decorative items.

And each time I go, it gets easier.

So I went yesterday. I went through some stuff and created a give away box full of books and clothes in good condition but that don't fit. (There's another topic for another day. I don't like discussing weight. It's such a boring topic. And our weight fluctuates so much anyway. But, dang, I just don't know if I'm ever going to be able to wear all my clothes from before my fertility treatments. My body is just a different size/shape now...)

There's so much to unpack here. I'll try to stay focused on my original point.

I brought home my "Baby Stuff" box and I cleaned it out last night.

It wasn't as hard as I thought it'd be. The good part was that unpacking the box didn't make me sad. It would've been fine if I had felt sad, but I'm glad that I didn't. I'm glad that some things that used to hurt or sting don't hurt or sting as much anymore.

I went through the box and decided what to do with everything. I'm keeping all of my specialty onesies. Why? I don't know. But they don't take up much space and I still want them. But I'm giving away a nightlight my sister gave me, a cute burp rag my mom gave me, and a book that I bought to read while I was pregnant. And that was that.

Eventually I'll clean out all the other stuff in storage too. I'll either give stuff away or move it with me after I graduate. It doesn't matter. 🔮  I don't have to decide everything right now. 💜


  1. This dance we have to do between old life and new life is a tough and often lonely one, isn't it? So brave of you to go through your stuff at a pace that is right and kind for you.

    1. Yes!!! It IS a dance. And it is between my old life and my new life. And it is tough and lonely. Thank you for giving me the words for that. <3

  2. Oh, so hard. I'm glad that you are going through everything at the times that are right for you, in little chunks instead of all at once. We just started dismantling our nursery, and it is real, real sucky work. People keep telling us to put it in storage "just in case" but I need to find places to donate this stuff. Not all of it, though. I have some onesies I want to keep, too. And I have the little rocking chair that was my great grandmother's and then went down the line until it was mine and my sister's...that I'll probably give back to my mom as I don't know who else to give it to. Maybe she can give it to a cousin who's having a second baby. I'm okay with going through an intermediary. I also have a bunch of clothes that I should just donate as I doubt anytime soon they will fit... There's something satisfying about getting rid of things, of not grasping onto objects, but also a hard letting go of something you'd hoped would be. It's so true that you save things for your kids. And now what to do with it all? I'm with you on the books. You can never have too many books! Floor to ceiling bookshelves sound lovely. I have a bunch of pinterest things that are little reading nooks and sofas made of bookshelves and stuff like that... :) Thinking of you as you sort through Before so that you can have a more peaceful After.

    1. Thank you!! <3

      There definitely is something satisfying about getting rid of things. I spent a good part of today cleaning out my closet. I'm really thankful I have this time between our last place and our next place to get sorted.

  3. I still have a huge box of paperwork from the infertility clinics. Not sure why I'm keeping it, I just always keep medical stuff. But every time I see it I think I should have complained to the clinics about how crap their treatment of us was, especially the last one where I was miscarrying while they were treating me and they just discarded us. I had complained at the time and they accused of sour grapes. But it's over six years later, so I should really throw it out. I never risked buying baby stuff, I just knew in my heart it would never work. Yes, there is immense satisfaction in chucking stuff out, but I also don't think there's anything wrong with keeping little things that have meaning for you. I love minimalism, but in the past I've been known to go outside and fish around in the bins because I threw something out that I want to keep later.. I do that a lot. I do detest clutter, though. I used to have a lot of nostalgia thinking of how I'd get a child to read the beautiful books I loved and get interested in the things I love, but I realise that's more about me than the child... and when I see kids & teenagers of today and their interests (i.e their smartphones and nothing much else), I realise it was never going to happen at all anyway!

    1. I'm really sorry you had bad experiences with fertility clinics. That seems to be the norm and that makes me sad.

      I started buying onesies when my husband and I started dating. Just one every now and then, if they were something too rare to find or too expensive to buy when I was actually pregnant. (My husband and I had been friends for a long time, so I kinda thought we'd get married once we finally started dating.)

      I don't like clutter either, but I like to keep a lot of little things. I'm sentimental and all my keepsakes help me remember important good stuff. :) That's another part of the reason why we got a storage unit... But still haha. I need to continue to pare down my stuff. I doubt I'll ever live in a four-bedroom house again and I don't want a storage unit for the rest of my life.

      Yeah, I realize now that there was no way I was going to be able to give my children the awesome 80s childhood that I had because so many things in the world are so different now. They would've probably been bored with so much stuff I think is cool haha.

      Thank you Shores. I understand so much of what you write all the time. <3