I was going to wait until October to write another post, but this thought hit me this morning and I thought maybe someone else needed to hear it. Other women's pregnancies don't bother me anymore. I used to avoid pregnant strangers in the grocery store. I used to avoid the diaper and baby food aisle. I used to avoid the baby clothes section. And now? I just don't care.
How freeing.
Earlier this week I was stuck behind some slow walkers at the store, so I cut through the middle section not even realizing it was the diaper aisle. When I noticed, I thought, "Oh wow, I used to avoid this aisle and now I don't even care."
And now one of my friends is pregnant. Very pregnant. I see her every week, sometimes a couple of times a week. She doesn't go on and on about her pregnancy, but normal updates make it into the conversation. I care about her, but I don't care about her pregnancy.
Wait. That sounds wrong lol. I care about her pregnancy in that I want it to be healthy and the least uncomfortable as possible. It's more accurate for me to say that her pregnancy doesn't bother me. It doesn't trigger longing. It doesn't make me sad.
In fact, I don't even want to be pregnant anymore. I haven't wanted to be pregnant for several years now. I think part of it is hormones. I'm changing. I'm older. Being pregnant doesn't make sense for me anymore. But a big part of that change is because my life has grown in other areas to where the desire to raise children is no longer central to my existence. I have built my life up in other ways. It doesn't take away from my profound, life changing loss. But thankfully, I am not living from a place of acute grief and anguish anymore.
It's amazing how things change. It's miraculous really.
So I write this post for anyone out there who is hurting so, so, so bad.
You are not alone. And just as importantly... You won't feel like this forever.
💜
No comments:
Post a Comment