Monday, February 3, 2020

Glad to be Where I Am

I wrote the beginning of this post on Sunday:

It is important to rest. I've been working so hard and today I get to rest and I am so, so thankful.

It's early afternoon and I'm on the couch, watching some tv with an easy meal in the oven.

I'm so glad to be here.

Infertility is still a part of my life. I'm not trying to have kids, and I don't even want to start all of that at this point. But losing motherhood still influences my experiences and perceptions. And still, a few random things over the past several weeks have shown me how the passing of time has lessened its impact.


Now I'm finishing the post today. So back to those random things:

  • During one of my shifts at the hospital, I had a patient who had her husband and six-month old in the room and another patient whose wife was by his side and 34 weeks pregnant. In both cases, I smiled and was conversational on the related topics of their new/upcoming baby without a second thought. In fact, I didn't think much of it until the end of my shift when I reflected on the day and realized I'd had interactions that I wasn't capable of managing in the past.

  • Another work baby shower came up. I didn't go. I was fine, it was fine, everything was perfectly fine.

  • My closest friend from college and I don't talk often like we used to, but she recently texted me to say she is pregnant again and due soon. I felt happy for her and nothing bad for me.

I'm glad to be where I am. It required me to do a shitload of work though. It demanded a willingness to carry a very deep pain for a very long time. But the load has gotten lighter.


  1. I am happy for you!
    Indeed, the load is getting lighter as the years are passing by...

  2. Wow, that's amazing progress. I'm so glad the load is lighter.

  3. I am glad to read this. :) Progress indeed!

  4. I'm so glad that the load is lighter! You're doing great work.