Glad to be Where I Am

I wrote the beginning of this post on Sunday:


It is important to rest. I've been working so hard and today I get to rest and I am so, so thankful.

It's early afternoon and I'm on the couch, watching some tv with an easy meal in the oven.

I'm so glad to be here.

Infertility is still a part of my life. I'm not trying to have kids, and I don't even want to start all of that at this point. But losing motherhood still influences my experiences and perceptions. And still, a few random things over the past several weeks have shown me how the passing of time has lessened its impact.

*****

Now I'm finishing the post today. So back to those random things:

• During one of my shifts at the hospital, I had a patient who had her husband and six-month old in the room and another patient whose wife was by his side and 34 weeks pregnant. In both cases, I smiled and was conversational on the related topics of their new/upcoming baby without a second thought. In fact, I didn't think much of it until the end of my shift when I reflected on the day and realized I'd had interactions that I wasn't capable of managing in the past.
  
  
• Another work baby shower came up. I didn't go. I was fine, it was fine, everything was perfectly fine.
  
  
• My closest friend from college and I don't talk often like we used to, but she recently texted me to say she is pregnant again and due soon. I felt happy for her and nothing bad for me.

I'm glad to be where I am. It required me to do a shitload of work though. It demanded a willingness to carry a very deep pain for a very long time. But the load has gotten lighter.