2,000 Miles

I have moved! I moved almost 1,000 miles, and it has been a marathon. I didn't want to write about it until it was over (and I'm still surrounded by boxes--I haven't unpacked a single one yet), but the actual arduous physical move is done. 

It's been extremely difficult. All of it.

From the realization three months ago that I had to move to every single step along the way, I just kept pushing forward. I rewrote my resume. I applied for jobs. I went to interviews. I compared offers and costs of living in various places. I accepted a position. My boyfriend and I found a place to rent. We packed up all of our stuff. We rented a truck. We loaded the truck. We drove halfway across the country. We unloaded the truck. And I started a new job.

I'm sure you can guess what I'm going to write next: I am exhausted.

But it is done and I am proud. I saved myself once again. I saw what wasn't working. I saw the direction things were headed, and I made major changes.

Did I want to do all of that work? Not at all. Not any of it. But I did it anyway.

And now I am here. In a new place with a new job.

I love it. I love my rental and I love my new position.

If you've been with me since the beginning of this blog, you have traveled over 2,000 miles with me. From one big city to another. From several small towns to back to a city. You've been with me through six different addresses in three different states. Did I mention I am tired? It's definitely been a theme of this blog.

Fourteen years ago I thought I was settled. I was married and living in a beautiful house we bought for our children. When I couldn't have children, I thought we'd move to another city and settle there. A couple of more places later, I thought I'd settle there. 

Well, and now I am here. Maybe here is where I will settle. Who knows. But there are jobs. And there is some affordable housing. At the very least, we can afford our rental. 

I continue to deal with reality. I dealt with not being able to have kids. I dealt with grieving life as I knew it and life as I thought it would be. I dealt with divorce, moving, bad jobs, and a pandemic. And now I am dealing with our current cultural climate and its ramifications.

Moving was so, so, so extremely hard, but I did it.

It was worth it.

I took this picture (safely I promise!) of my boyfriend driving the moving truck while I followed in my car with two cats. It was a wild ride that took two days, but we made it safe and sound.

Our country is so beautiful.

Dealing with Reality

My views are back to normal. They have been for 30+ days now. Instead of thousands of views, a post may get a hundred. Not only is it an interesting observation, I think it's important to report.

In related news, my personal world is upside down. Things are good with my relationship with myself and with my relationship with my boyfriend. I know I can get through anything on my own. Infertility and failed fertility treatments taught me that. With my partner by my side, I can get through anything with laughter, support, and understanding. I prefer the team approach to life.
As long as you have the right team member that is...

But back to my upside down world: I can't find a full-time job where I am that pays a living wage. I'm about to lose my affordable health insurance. I hope that's not controversial to say because it is an objective fact. I cannot afford the expected increase on my monthly premium. At all. But I also don't want to post anything that catches any bots' attention. I even deleted several posts from my blog to increase my chances of staying under the radar. I don't believe I'm overreacting.
I truly believe I am being proactive.

So what does one do when all of your jobs have been in schools, hospitals, nursing homes, and food banks when you live in a country where the people in charge are dismantling the Department of Education, making healthcare unaffordable, and denying assistance for those who are food insecure. Some people think I'm crazy for worrying. I'm just being realistic.

If you are living involuntarily childless you know what it's like to have a plan that doesn't work out. You know what it's like to live a life that looks completely different from the one you envisioned and planned for. Like I say, there is the life we wanted and then there is dealing with reality.

So I am dealing with reality.

Actually, I had an entirely different post in my head that I thought I was going to write. Let me digress and touch on those thoughts for a minute...

I am really starting to hate IVF. I cried with a friend the other morning. Her daughter's round of IVF did not result in pregnancy. She is heartbroken for her daughter. Secondarily, I think she is also heartbroken for herself. I pointed out that she is allowed to grieve too, that she always thought she would be a grandmother. I think my friend was so concerned for her daughter that she hadn't even thought about herself. Hopefully, she had the space and permission in the moment to feel her own feelings too. 

I like IVF when it works, but, as we know, it doesn't work much more often than it does. When it works, it can be great. When it doesn't, it can be devastating. I hate it.

And that brings me back to dealing with reality. 

I thought I was settled where I am. I thought I would never move again. Hahaha. Plans. Yeah...

Don't worry about me. I have a new plan! And I am very excited about it! I'm just in the middle of executing it and my little world is currently upside down. I will let you know when I've made it to the other side. 

There is always the other side. Unless we stay stuck. But staying stuck isn't dealing with reality. It's just staying stuck. I don't fault anyone for staying stuck for a little bit, but I always want to encourage people to take that first step when they have the energetic reserves to do so. If you need help with that first step, including even knowing what that first step is, send me an email. We can figure it out together. I will cheer you on. We are stronger together.

 

I found this image on the website of this organization. I don't know anything about them, but I love this image. Also, my email is my blog name infertilephoenix at gmail if you need it.