Love Yourself Through the Changes

This year has been very different. Last spring marked 10 years since my last round of IVF. So it has now been 10.5 years that I have known I won't be raising children in this lifetime. I've had time to grieve, process, and create a different life than the one I planned for 35 years.

Nine years ago I wrote about how Halloween was the hardest day of the year.

Then three years ago I passed out candy and enjoyed it.

Two years ago I wrote about taking care of yourself during the holiday season.

Then today, on Halloween, I texted several friends ASKING to see pictures of their costumed kids. I saw an Eeyore, a Paw Patrol member, a dragon slayer, a character from Inside Out, a unicorn, a cheerleader, a Minecraft cow, three skeletons, and two little monsters from Where the Wild Things Are. I loved every single picture. My friends live all over, so I haven't even met all of their kids, but I really enjoyed seeing all of their costumes. 

This day used to hurt me more than any other and now it doesn't. 

I used to avoid everyone's pictures and now I am requesting them. 

Things change. If you're willing to do the hard work of feeling your feelings and creating something new, it gets better. I've said it before and I'll say it again: you deserve to enjoy your life.

 

Art by SelfLoveRainbow

Making Baby Quilts

If you would have told me ten years ago that I would enjoy making baby quilts, I would not have believed you. Not in a million years. For one, I didn't even quilt back then. And two, there's no way I could have done that. Make something that takes a long time for someone else's baby?? No way.

And now I've made four.

They are cute, fun, and, considering how long a full-sized quilt takes to make, quick and easy.

You just sandwich two yards of fabric with some batting in between and quilt diagonal lines across. Then you attach the binding and sew it down. You're done! No piecing necessary. 

And even though it seems to make the new moms nervous, you can just throw these quilts in the washer and dryer. You don't do anything special to clean them. Quilts are meant to be used.

I finished this latest baby quilt last night. I look forward to my Saturday evenings. I've created the habit of watching an old movie while sewing. It's relaxing and I love it. I'll drink a couple of beers, eat some snacks, and stand at my machine or sit in my recliner and sew. What? You weren't expecting a couple of beers to be part of the equation? Hahaha.

This quilt is for my yoga teacher who is due in a month. She has reduced her class schedule immensely. How she is even still teaching I have no idea. Teaching yoga is a gift of service and requires a lot of energy. She is amazing. She even does most of the practice with us still, modifying a lot of the poses of course. And she is not a 25 year old. She will be an older mom, but not a first time mom. This will be her second.

I've witnessed her entire pregnancy. I knew her before she announced her pregnancy, but I suspected she was pregnant. I think I have some sort of pregnancy radar. I miss a lot of things in life, but I can usually guess when a woman is pregnant.

It wasn't hard for me. I don't want to be pregnant anymore. I divorced my husband, who I chose to be the father of my children. I changed careers from working with kids to working with older and elderly adults. I moved away from the city, my friends, and my family to pursue a different kind of life. It's been over ten years since I stopped trying to conceive; my life is radically different.

I am happy for my friend, and I enjoyed making a baby quilt for her. I'm excited to give it to her, especially since she has no idea I've been making it. 

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: miracles happen every day. I did not get my miracle baby in this lifetime, but my recovery and healing from all I've been through is definitely miraculous.

My boyfriend picked out the blue binding. I was going to use brown, but the blue looks so much better. He is really gifted with color and fabric. My boyfriend is my quilt muse lol. 

The front of the quilt has fabric based on the children's book Where The Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendak. A classic. The quotes include, "Inside all of us is hope, fear, and adventure," and "There are no ideas too wild."

The backing of the quilt is a furry, textured fabric called Minky. I love to use it for the backs of quilts. It's so soft and snuggly. (My corners aren't perfect, but neither is life!)

The Observer & The Experiencer

"Why did I even have kids?"

That was another thing that my mom said to me during our phone conversation last week. It really bothered me. After we hung up, I cried. The whole conversation was tough. The whole thing was just so careless and insensitive. I called her the next day to confront her about the question above and she brushed it off as something she just said off-handedly, that she didn't mean anything by it. Okay...

But in the moment? In the moment my honest-to-goodness first thought was, "Well, that's a question only you can answer." It was my Observer speaking.

I learned about cultivating the Observer and the Experiencer at my old yoga studio in my old town. I learned so many good things there. I got so many tools for life from that place. It will always hold a special place in my heart.

I'm not sure I will explain it well, but it's just like it sounds. The Experiencer is the part of you that is experiencing a situation complete with your thoughts and your feelings and all. The Observer is the part of you that is removed from the situation and can see it without everything that comes with experiencing it. I guess, if I were to guess, the Observer is more objective while the Experiencer is more subjective. 

Why did my mom have kids? I don't know... I can guess, but I really don't know. Probably because it was expected of her and she was fertile. Probably because she never made a conscious decision to not have children. But really and truly, that is not a question that I can answer for her.

It's also not a question that should be said to me, her infertile daughter.

Stress & Privilege

"What do you have to be stressed about?"

That question was posed to me this morning. It's not the first time my mother has said this to me, but it still sucks. I know it is a rude and judgmental thing to say to another person, but it still hurts. Even worse, she followed it up with, "I went through the same thing and I had a whole family to take care of." Well, shit.

It was a horrible conversation. I should have known better and not answered the phone. I had just returned home the previous day from a long (but good) work-related trip. I was exhausted. I didn't have the emotional reserves to buffer myself.

I was criticized and accused. There was no empathy. She was getting more and more upset as we talked. I told her I'd like to stay on the phone until she felt better. She sounded like she felt better by the time we hung up. I felt awful.

From the outside, it's easy to see how crazy it all is.
As the one experiencing it, it is very, very hard to process. 

She told me she felt like she had to walk on eggshells around me, and I told her I felt the same.

There is no answer. There is no solution. I am out of strategies. 

Thankfully, I have emotional support in other areas of my life. 

*****

So let's move on to my week-long trip. It was long. It was busy. It was expensive. It was great.

I felt a roller coaster of emotions throughout the week. At times I was excited. At other times, I felt overwhelmed. By the last day I was in extreme physical pain. I blame 1) the stress (even positive stress is still stress) and 2) what I ate. I am not 25 anymore! I ate out for every meal, and I tend to go for the fried and/or cheesy food. Apparently, I cannot do that anymore. Not for every meal. Lesson learned! For my last meal, I ordered a salad. Better late than never, right? ;)

Toward the end of my trip, as I was talking myself down from the stress, I realized that I had what so many other women wanted: a week to myself. I had no one else's needs to attend to, no one else's preferences to consider. Other than my scheduled meetings, I could do what I want. And that I did! As I already mentioned, I ate what I wanted when I wanted. I did some shopping. I went to bed early. I lived life on my terms. Which, I suppose, I usually do anyway... But this was in a different state in a new city and, even though it was a work-related trip, it was also a vacation. 

I've shared before that I don't like to travel. I love my comforts of home. But I can still recognize what a privilege it is to have the health, means, and opportunity to travel. 

It was a privilege to get to spend a week by myself.

Nine Years Blogging

Nine years and five days ago I took the plunge and published my first blog post. I had been thinking about blogging for awhile and decided to do it. I was extremely lonely and looking for connection. I hope what I have shared here has helped someone, but I think that what I have received here is exponentially more than what I've given.

Thank you.

I used to be in constant pain. I used to be ashamed and embarrassed. I used to be very angry.

I am no longer in pain. I am no longer ashamed and embarrassed.
I am still angry but it's about other things, not infertility.

This is my life. This is how it's come to be. This is what I've done with the time that was left after my lifelong dream and primal desire went unrealized.

Honestly, I give myself a shit ton of credit. I am very proud of myself.
But I also could not have done it alone.

Thank you.

Once again, I am in the midst of massive changes. I am going through it and will write about it once I get to the other side. All is well; I am just very stressed. But now I can remind myself that I've already been through the worst. What is stress after enduring life-altering trauma?? I got this.

And so do you.

Feel free to read all of my other blogging anniversary posts if you want. They cover a lot. This year's post will be short. We all need to conserve our precious energy. Life isn't easy for anyone.

But we all know how to navigate darkness. We all know how to live life after loss. 

Maybe I will blog for another year and close it down on my 10th blogging anniversary.

Maybe I will blog forever.

💜

Do something kind for yourself today. You deserve it.

Picture retrieved from a party supply store here

My Kids' Last Name

My ex-husband and I were friends for a long time before we ever started dating. So once we finally got together, we kinda knew pretty quickly where it was eventually headed. He knew me well and knew I never wanted to change my name. Very early on in the relationship I said something about my kids having my last name. He replied, "Funny. I always thought my kids would have my last name."

Well, so, I thought about it... I didn't hate his last name. In fact, I liked his last name. And I liked the idea of all of us having the same last name (me, him, and our kids). Our little family unit. And so I changed my mind. I decided to change my name when we got married.

And unless this is your first time reading my blog, you know that I never had kids, we got divorced, and I changed my name back.

But dang it, that last name will follow me for the rest of my life. Every application, every official form. They all ask for any previous names you've had. So I have to acknowledge my kids' last name until the end of (my) time.

It doesn't hurt like it used to, but it still kinda sucks.

Pregnancies Don't Bother Me Anymore

I was going to wait until October to write another post, but this thought hit me this morning and I thought maybe someone else needed to hear it. Other women's pregnancies don't bother me anymore. I used to avoid pregnant strangers in the grocery store. I used to avoid the diaper and baby food aisle. I used to avoid the baby clothes section. And now? I just don't care.

How freeing.

Earlier this week I was stuck behind some slow walkers at the store, so I cut through the middle section not even realizing it was the diaper aisle. When I noticed, I thought, "Oh wow, I used to avoid this aisle and now I don't even care."

And now one of my friends is pregnant. Very pregnant. I see her every week, sometimes a couple of times a week. She doesn't go on and on about her pregnancy, but normal updates make it into the conversation. I care about her, but I don't care about her pregnancy.

Wait. That sounds wrong lol. I care about her pregnancy in that I want it to be healthy and the least uncomfortable as possible. It's more accurate for me to say that her pregnancy doesn't bother me. It doesn't trigger longing. It doesn't make me sad. 

In fact, I don't even want to be pregnant anymore. I haven't wanted to be pregnant for several years now. I think part of it is hormones. I'm changing. I'm older. Being pregnant doesn't make sense for me anymore. But a big part of that change is because my life has grown in other areas to where the desire to raise children is no longer central to my existence. I have built my life up in other ways. It doesn't take away from my profound, life changing loss. But thankfully, I am not living from a place of acute grief and anguish anymore.

It's amazing how things change. It's miraculous really.

So I write this post for anyone out there who is hurting so, so, so bad.

You are not alone. And just as importantly... You won't feel like this forever. 

💜