Relax

My wish for 2026 is stability and my goal is to relax.

Photo from Vecteezy

Recovered from Burnout in 2025

I had a good holiday. I was in my new home with my boyfriend and cats. We didn't decorate this year, but we opened some small presents in the morning. I called my parents and texted his mom. Then every place was closed so we were forced to cook when we got hungry, haha. Fortunately, that means our kitchen is unpacked to a functional level. Yay! So I made a spontaneous holiday meal: roasted brussel sprouts, mashed potatoes, and homemade mac and cheese. It felt so good to have a cozy sense of normalcy.

I haven't sewn in months. I miss it. I miss feeling the fabric, hearing the rhythmic hum of the machine, and creating something cute and/or beautiful. But I'm getting closer... I unpacked my sewing machine this weekend, and I found my thread and notions. I ordered an inexpensive table to sew on because I donated my dining room table when we moved. I'll be sewing again soon. I probably won't unpack all of my fabric, but I will have what I need for a project or two.

Moving doesn't get easier. Maybe it gets harder. I was comfortable where I was. I lived there for five years. For four years, I lived in a home that I owned. I won't be settled like that for a while. But I'm glad I moved. This place will be better for us in the long-run. It has jobs and housing.

My hope for 2026 is stability. I know that's not in my control, but I will gladly take whatever stability comes my way. I hope my job stays fine, my rental stays fine, my car stays fine, my relationships stay fine, I stay fine, and my cats stay fine. (Lol! I'm not asking for much!) 

I've been saying it for years now, but I will gladly take a boring year. Please. :)

We are wrapping up 2025. I'm reflecting like I usually do this time of year. The first half of 2025 was all about recovering from burnout after a difficult first half of 2024. It took a full year of reducing my demands to recover from extreme burnout sustained after a decade. Then all of a sudden, the last third of 2025 was all about moving (literally) at rapid speed.

You can say this about any year, but it's the first time I've ever thought about it. Year 2025 was the bridge I needed to get from 2024 (awful) to 2026 (hopefully much better). I really focused on my mental and physical health. I slept a lot. I started practicing yoga several times a month. I kept sewing but slowed it down. I avoided making new commitments while I continued following through with what I'd already said I'd do. I slowly reset and regained my energy. Then I looked for and found a good full-time job in another state and moved.

As soon as I could, I did. 

But first I had to rest. Then I had to do the work.

That's how recovery goes. 

I got the picture above from this post about how to recover from burnout, written by a facility that offers a variety of programs to treat stress, trauma, and mental health disorders. I don't know about this organization, but I like their post and graphic.

Also, yoga for self-care can be so cliche... But... It really does help. 

Yoga means "to yoke," to connect. Practicing yoga means connecting your breathing with your movement. So, inhale slowly and raise your arms over your head. Exhale slowly and lower your arms. Do that several more times. It's calming. Yoga is literally the stilling of the thought waves of the mind (yoga sutra 1.2).

Home for Solstice

I just had the greatest weekend. I wasn't moving, working, or traveling. And, my new couch was delivered! It felt great to relax at home and have a place where we could both sit down. I went to the grocery store, unpacked some kitchen stuff, and did some laundry. None of these things are very exciting, but it's very exciting to get to do them after months of living in transit.

I want to hold on to this excitement for the simple things. 

I'm so damn content to be where I am. I am so damn grateful to have my new job, new rental, my cats, my boyfriend, my family and friends spread across the country and world, and very importantly, the kind relationship I have with myself.

We left our old couch. It was a great couch. I bought it when I got divorced. It was comfy and in great condition. But, it was big and heavy. And ultimately, it didn't make it on the moving truck. 

I knew I wanted to get a new couch as soon as possible. But I get overwhelmed with errands, options, and big, rare expenditures. I mean, we don't buy couches very often... What was I going to get? Where was I going to shop? What did I want in a couch?

I also knew I didn't want to spend a lot of time shopping for a couch. We went to a couple of stores last Saturday, and I figured out what I wanted pretty quickly. We slept on the idea overnight and went back the next day to buy what we wanted. 

I'm giddy. I'm so damn happy. I'm no longer shopping for a couch or waiting for a couch to be delivered. It's here. I'm sitting on my couch right now. It's comfy. It reclines. It's not heavy. And they had two of the exact same couches on the showroom floor, so we got ours for 50% off. Did I mention that I'm happy?

The new place still needs some decorating. And unpacking. Not sure how much unpacking and decorating I'm going to do, but I'll do enough so it feels like home. Some things on the walls and maybe some rugs. 

I'm not decorated for Xmas this year. I'm not going to decorate at all. We've got some ornaments to unwrap on Xmas Day, but we won't hang them until next year. I'm fine with this. Every year is different and this is how this year is. I'm just glad the move is behind us. I'll figure out my new city and new routines over time.

Happy Winter Solstice if you're on this part of the planet! 

It's been short days and dark nights for awhile, but the light is coming.

You can see a Xmas quilt on the new couch. That's the one decoration we have this year lol.
Home.

The picture above was found on a blog post of this website: Danna Bananas.
I don't know this blog (but it looks like she sells funny gifts); I just really like the Winter Solstice. 

It feels like such a special day.

5,000 miles

After my big move, I went on a big trip. I traveled internationally, about 5,000 miles. It was planned last year, long before I knew I was going to be moving. It was a special (and non-refundable) trip with my mom and sisters.

I'll be honest. It wasn't ideal timing for me. It was challenging to plan for a trip so close to moving. I decided to pack for the trip first. I loaded my suitcase with clothes and necessities. Then I finished packing up my house. 

By the time I was on my trip, that suitcase had been packed for a month. I had no idea what I'd packed. It was fine though. I remembered to pack a coat. And enough socks. And books to read.

The trip was great. I had a lot of anxiety leading up to it, but I figured I'd be fine once I was on the trip and couldn't do anything about anything. A true break from everything for two weeks, even if it wasn't exactly the best timing. But I did it, and thankfully that was the case--I was fine once I was on the trip. I had a great time, ate good food, and enjoyed the scenery.

It was a once in a lifetime experience. I don't usually take big trips like that. It was special.

But I've got to tell you the best part... I got to meet up with Elaine!

There were a couple days when I was somewhat close to her. She happened to be available and willing to travel to see me. I didn't have any set plans on Saturday and we were was able to meet up. It was so wonderful!!

We have been pen pals for years. We have even taken part in small group virtual meetups together. But it was the first time we had met in real life. And it was just like seeing an old friend. Because it was.

And after a stressful move (aren't they all stressful) and an international trip, Elaine was my lighthouse. Meeting her felt instantly familiar. She was so calm. Our lengthy conversation was so varied and interesting. Spending time with Elaine was the break in the storm that I so greatly loved and appreciated.

Connection is important. Feeling understood and striving to understand others is invaluable. It's like I've told so many patients over the years, "We don't heal in a vacuum." We need each other.

Elaine met me at my hotel. We planned to walk until we found a quiet place where we could eat a snack or even have dinner. We found this casual but elegant spot pretty quickly.

We started with hot tea. I got peppermint with honey.

Then we had salad. I had been eating heavy food for a week and craved something crisp and fresh. This salad was incredible! It had Lamb's lettuce, chicory, braised Hokkaido pumpkin, wasabi mayonnaise, hardboiled egg, chives, caramelized walnuts, and ricotta-fig dressing.

Other food I had while traveling included raclette on baguette and a fondue dinner.

This picture shows the server using a knife to scrape the melted top of the bottom half of the raclette cheese wheel. This melted cheese was immediately spread onto a baguette and topped with onion, pepper, and paprika.

I present the amazing creation that is raclette on baguette. 

Another time I got a baguette filled with fondue cheese. I wondered how I was going to eat it all. Then I ate it all. It was not a problem haha. :)

One night we had a fondue dinner. I was surprised there was no meat. I don't know why. I often eat a meal of just vegetables and/or starches and cheese. But I was surprised. We ate the fondue cheese with bread, potatoes, pickles, and pearl onions. Well, I think they were pearl onions.

There were many more meals. There were so many sights to see. I was so happy that my mom, sisters, and I were all healthy and able to take this trip together. And they were excited for me that I got to see a friend on the trip. 

I'm back home now. Well, my new home. It doesn't feel like home yet. I just started living here. But I like it. And it will be my home, at least for the next 11 months. I bought a couch today. Home is where the couch is, right? 

Quite honestly, I'm looking forward to what people call the grind. I look forward to going to work and coming home. I look forward to having routines. I look forward to working hard and paying my bills. I've always done that, but now I'm looking forward to it. I like my job a lot.

But right before this next chapter of my life starts, I got to take an awesome trip. I got to spend time with my mom and sisters. And I got to meet up with Elaine!!

Amazing. I didn't see any of that coming when I was deep in grief ten years ago.

2,000 Miles

I have moved! I moved almost 1,000 miles, and it has been a marathon. I didn't want to write about it until it was over (and I'm still surrounded by boxes--I haven't unpacked a single one yet), but the actual arduous physical move is done. 

It's been extremely difficult. All of it.

From the realization three months ago that I had to move to every single step along the way, I just kept pushing forward. I rewrote my resume. I applied for jobs. I went to interviews. I compared offers and costs of living in various places. I accepted a position. My boyfriend and I found a place to rent. We packed up all of our stuff. We rented a truck. We loaded the truck. We drove halfway across the country. We unloaded the truck. And I started a new job.

I'm sure you can guess what I'm going to write next: I am exhausted.

But it is done and I am proud. I saved myself once again. I saw what wasn't working. I saw the direction things were headed, and I made major changes.

Did I want to do all of that work? Not at all. Not any of it. But I did it anyway.

And now I am here. In a new place with a new job.

I love it. I love my rental and I love my new position.

If you've been with me since the beginning of this blog, you have traveled over 2,000 miles with me. From one big city to another. From several small towns to back to a city. You've been with me through six different addresses in three different states. Did I mention I am tired? It's definitely been a theme of this blog.

Fourteen years ago I thought I was settled. I was married and living in a beautiful house we bought for our children. When I couldn't have children, I thought we'd move to another city and settle there. A couple of more places later, I thought I'd settle there. 

Well, and now I am here. Maybe here is where I will settle. Who knows. But there are jobs. And there is some affordable housing. At the very least, we can afford our rental. 

I continue to deal with reality. I dealt with not being able to have kids. I dealt with grieving life as I knew it and life as I thought it would be. I dealt with divorce, moving, bad jobs, and a pandemic. And now I am dealing with our current cultural climate and its ramifications.

Moving was so, so, so extremely hard, but I did it.

It was worth it.

I took this picture (safely I promise!) of my boyfriend driving the moving truck while I followed in my car with two cats. It was a wild ride that took two days, but we made it safe and sound.

Our country is so beautiful.

Dealing with Reality

My views are back to normal. They have been for 30+ days now. Instead of thousands of views, a post may get a hundred. Not only is it an interesting observation, I think it's important to report.

In related news, my personal world is upside down. Things are good with my relationship with myself and with my relationship with my boyfriend. I know I can get through anything on my own. Infertility and failed fertility treatments taught me that. With my partner by my side, I can get through anything with laughter, support, and understanding. I prefer the team approach to life.
As long as you have the right team member that is...

But back to my upside down world: I can't find a full-time job where I am that pays a living wage. I'm about to lose my affordable health insurance. I hope that's not controversial to say because it is an objective fact. I cannot afford the expected increase on my monthly premium. At all. But I also don't want to post anything that catches any bots' attention. I even deleted several posts from my blog to increase my chances of staying under the radar. I don't believe I'm overreacting.
I truly believe I am being proactive.

So what does one do when all of your jobs have been in schools, hospitals, nursing homes, and food banks when you live in a country where the people in charge are dismantling the Department of Education, making healthcare unaffordable, and denying assistance for those who are food insecure. Some people think I'm crazy for worrying. I'm just being realistic.

If you are living involuntarily childless you know what it's like to have a plan that doesn't work out. You know what it's like to live a life that looks completely different from the one you envisioned and planned for. Like I say, there is the life we wanted and then there is dealing with reality.

So I am dealing with reality.

Actually, I had an entirely different post in my head that I thought I was going to write. Let me digress and touch on those thoughts for a minute...

I am really starting to hate IVF. I cried with a friend the other morning. Her daughter's round of IVF did not result in pregnancy. She is heartbroken for her daughter. Secondarily, I think she is also heartbroken for herself. I pointed out that she is allowed to grieve too, that she always thought she would be a grandmother. I think my friend was so concerned for her daughter that she hadn't even thought about herself. Hopefully, she had the space and permission in the moment to feel her own feelings too. 

I like IVF when it works, but, as we know, it doesn't work much more often than it does. When it works, it can be great. When it doesn't, it can be devastating. I hate it.

And that brings me back to dealing with reality. 

I thought I was settled where I am. I thought I would never move again. Hahaha. Plans. Yeah...

Don't worry about me. I have a new plan! And I am very excited about it! I'm just in the middle of executing it and my little world is currently upside down. I will let you know when I've made it to the other side. 

There is always the other side. Unless we stay stuck. But staying stuck isn't dealing with reality. It's just staying stuck. I don't fault anyone for staying stuck for a little bit, but I always want to encourage people to take that first step when they have the energetic reserves to do so. If you need help with that first step, including even knowing what that first step is, send me an email. We can figure it out together. I will cheer you on. We are stronger together.

 

I found this image on the website of this organization. I don't know anything about them, but I love this image. Also, my email is my blog name infertilephoenix at gmail if you need it.

Love Yourself Through the Changes

This year has been very different. Last spring marked 10 years since my last round of IVF. So it has now been 10.5 years that I have known I won't be raising children in this lifetime. I've had time to grieve, process, and create a different life than the one I planned for 35 years.

Nine years ago I wrote about how Halloween was the hardest day of the year.

Then three years ago I passed out candy and enjoyed it.

Two years ago I wrote about taking care of yourself during the holiday season.

Then today, on Halloween, I texted several friends ASKING to see pictures of their costumed kids. I saw an Eeyore, a Paw Patrol member, a dragon slayer, a character from Inside Out, a unicorn, a cheerleader, a Minecraft cow, three skeletons, and two little monsters from Where the Wild Things Are. I loved every single picture. My friends live all over, so I haven't even met all of their kids, but I really enjoyed seeing all of their costumes. 

This day used to hurt me more than any other and now it doesn't. 

I used to avoid everyone's pictures and now I am requesting them. 

Things change. If you're willing to do the hard work of feeling your feelings and creating something new, it gets better. I've said it before and I'll say it again: you deserve to enjoy your life.

 

Art by SelfLoveRainbow