Sunday, June 28, 2020

The Twilight Zone

I am familiar with the feelings that come when my own life is falling apart.
But navigating my feelings when the world around me is falling apart is a much bigger task.

I write this blog as I live my life after infertility without raising children. Infertility, for me, was life-altering and extremely traumatic. But that's how I also feel about the pandemic for everyone. It is a life-altering traumatic time period. The economic and social changes it has already caused have been devastating. As one of my friends succinctly said, "This pandemic is ruining lives." 

The future is unknown and any illusion of certainty has been removed. As survivors of infertility, we've already experienced this uncertainty on an intensely personal level. But this is bigger than each of our own individual lives. This pandemic is affecting everyone everywhere worldwide.

How are you feeling? How are you doing? How are your loved ones? How is your area?

  • I feel worried, anxious, and scared. 
  • I stay home as much as I can and wear a mask when I need to go out. I'm noticing and respecting my higher-than-usual anxiety levels, and I'm trying to be more patient with myself. I take everything one step at a time and I rest in between.
  • I think the majority of my closest friends (spread out across the country) are also staying home. That's good!
  • My family? I'm not so sure... As for now, everyone is healthy, although they take unnecessary (and irresponsible?) risks in my opinion. Several of them got together to celebrate a birthday at a restaurant/bar with an outdoor space last weekend. I most definitely didn't approve of this, but nobody asked me.
  • I don't know many people in the small town where I currently live, but I will say that it's a tourist town and I observed wayyy too many people out and about this weekend. I go for drives just to get out of the house and I saw way too many people on the roads, filling up parking lots, walking around, gathering at parks, etc. Why??? 

I feel like I'm living in The Twilight Zone.


  1. Yes. YESSSS. When everything was fully in lockdown, it felt like we were living in a zombie world, where everyone else was gone and you'd go for a walk and see so few cars and be able to walk on the yellow line if you wanted. But now it's sooooo much busier and I see soo many people out at outdoor restaurants and congregating without masks and taking selfies with people cheek to cheek and I'm like DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW THIS STARTED? Bryce is even more cautious than I am, and I am all about NO restaurants, curbside only, and no indoor anything. I have had to go to my classroom, but there were very few people and my TA is similarly conservative about going out and she always had a mask on while helping me. My parents and family are also going to indoor restaurants and taking what I see as unnecessary risks, and we are bowing out of a lot of invitations but whatever. I'd rather stay safe. Even if it makes people think I'm weird or over the top.

    Living in NY I have fear because we are in such a great place, but all it takes is dangerous nonchalance and someone traveling or seeing someone unprotected, and BAM! We're right back where we started. It's so hard to not see an end in sight to this pandemic. And to feel like maybe we would if people would stay home and wear the damn mask, the right way (SOOOO many noses dangling out obscenely!). I hope the world can do the right thing so life can go back to "normal!"

    1. Only you could make me literally lol while writing about the pandemic which is honestly scaring me and totally stressing me out. Thank you for this: "SOOOO many noses dangling out obscenely!" Hahaha

      I'm sorry to hear that you are seeing a lot of people out and about too because we live thousands of miles apart.

      I hate this.

  2. I see what is happening in the US and UK (and other places), and like you ask, "Why?" I'm glad you're staying safe. I'm glad you're being patient with yourself, and giving yourself plenty of self-care as a result. I'm glad your friends and family are so far safe too.

    I'm not going to answer any of your questions, because the answers would feel like gloating. A friend in DC has said she likes my stories of normality in my "mythical land" as she calls it, but not everyone will feel that way! I worry a lot about friends and family in the US and UK. It certainly feels - even more than usual - as if we are living in different worlds.

    1. Hi Mali, I'm happy that NZ is not experiencing the same as we are with the pandemic. This is awful. And infuriating as well as scary and stressful. Like infertility, I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

  3. Here in Germany some restrictions have been gradually lifted. My home town had less than 30 active cases however there was some big family event were a bunch of people got affected recently and the number went up to 50+. I'm worried about things getting out of hand again if people become too complacent.

    1. Yes, the complacency! Why are so many people so seemingly comfortable/unbothered? I don't want to spread it or get sick myself and it seems like this virus is really contagious. I don't understand people not taking precautions.