Thursday, April 8, 2021

Not Today

Most days I am okay with my situation. Most days I can cope with losing my dreams of motherhood. Most days I can enjoy the life I DO have. But today is not one of those days.

Like the rest of us, I am hitting a new level of pandemic fatigue. I am tired and angry and completely emotionally depleted. So it was especially upsetting to be included on a group text yesterday with my mom and sisters about their travel plans. Yes, travel plans. One of my sisters is having out of town guests because they are all going to a wedding this weekend. On the following weekend, she will travel across the country to visit her son. This is the same sister that regularly eats in restaurants. But both of my sisters and my mom have traveled over the last year.


Then I woke up this morning to my mother replying to the group text that she forgot she had made plans to go visit one of her sisters in another state for one of her sister's grandkids' baby shower. WHAT.

I'm sorry everyone. I truly apologize.
If my family has anything to do with it, this pandemic will never end.

But let's revisit that baby shower thing very briefly.

Again, WHAT.

Traveling out of state? In a pandemic? To attend a baby shower? For my cousin's kid's baby? He's old enough to have a baby on the way?? Well, damn, I guess he is...

I burst into tears. No surprise there.

But the tears weren't about him having a child on the way per se. Although, considering his situation, that is slightly tragic all on its own...

The tears were about the never-ending thoughtlessness of my family. The fact that this information was so casually mentioned in a group text message without regard for my feelings at all really hurt me. 

They will never get it. My family will never understand what surviving infertility is like for me. Not only that, they will never even make an effort to understand. And that hurts.

So that's where I am today. I cried twice before it was even 7:00 am. I'm so sick of this. I'm so sick of everything. It's days like this where I wish I could be babied. It's embarrassing to say, but I wish I could just crawl into some comforting person's lap and have them rub my back while I cried. 

Instead, I logged on here to read what others have written. You all are my people. You all understand. You all make me feel seen, heard, valued, and less alone. Thank you.

I know this day will pass. I know these feelings will pass as well. But, for today, I think I will do only what I feel like. I will read, nap, watch tv, and quilt. Today I will be especially mindful to take it easy and to take care of myself. No one else can do it for me.


  1. Replies
    1. Thank you so much. Your hugs are very much appreciated. I ended up sleeping a lot today. I think I was even more depleted than I realized. I'm glad I could take the time today to do what I needed. Thank you again, Anonymous. <3

  2. Sending you a big hug. You have every right to be upset.

    Travelling to another state for a baby-shower? I am speechless.

    My family will never understand what surviving infertility is like for me.... I know how you feel... I feel the same.

    It was only today that my cousin (whom I love dearly) casualy mentioned how terrified she is of the period when she stops breastfeeding her almost 2-year-old baby. I remained speechless. Isn't it obvious that I really am NOT the person to discuss things like that?

    sending lots of love from Europe.


    1. Thank you for the validation, Klara. Sometimes I feel like I am going insane. My family's attitude toward pandemic precautions (or, rather, the lack thereof) makes me so angry. My mom even called me crazy for how careful I'm being. I do not want to get, not do I want to spread, COVID-19!! It's a terrible, long-lasting illness.

      And then on top of that, all of the years of hurt regarding infertility from them... Yesterday was just too much for me to have a fully functioning day. Sleeping did help me feel better though. And I must have needed it because I had no problem falling asleep last night either.

      Oh gosh. Your cousin sharing that she's terrified of weaning her breastfeeding baby after two years? You are definitely not the appropriate audience for that comment. I am so sorry. I wish people were more thoughtful before they spoke.

      Today is better. I've attended some online trainings. My car is in the shop getting some much needed work done. I decided on a quilting pattern for the donation quilt (simple diagonal lines but I *love* the multi-colored thread I decided to use for it). Onward!

      Thank you friend. <3

    2. Dear Phoenix,
      I am glad that you are better today.
      I also attend some online trainings. I enjoy them a lot!
      wishing you a lovely weekend.

  3. Dear Phoenix,
    I am so sorry you had this difficult day. I think that I know these moments where you are so exhausted that nothing can bring brack joy, hope and peace in your life.
    I hate it so much when people act as if we were not in the middle of a pandemic!! And I'm really sorry that your family doesn't acknowledge what you have been through. I do, and you are a warrior :-)
    Sending hugs,

    1. Yes, I think that's it. I am exhausted, which makes everything harder. Thank you so much!! I appreciate your acknowledgment. <3

  4. "If my family has anything to do with it, this pandemic will never end." Your family, and so many others too.

    I know I'm late to this and I apologise - sending huge hugs for this. I'm glad you're able to express yourself here, and let it all out. And I'm so sorry your family don't get it. More hugs.

    1. I am extremely thankful for this space! Honestly, I am not feeling that much better on this Monday morning, but time marches on anyway. I am making myself do stuff: eat, shower, go for walks, and sew. I am doing what I can. Thank you for your support! <3

  5. Any better today? (((hugs))) It's so frustrating, from both the pandemic & infertility viewpoints. I absolutely cannot imagine attending a baby shower (!!) for a while yet, let alone travelling to annother state/province for it. (Good grief, is the pregnant mom THAT desperate for gifts that she's willing to expose herself and her baby -- nevermind the guests -- to the risk??)

    1. Oh yeah, a baby shower during a pandemic. I don't get it at all.

      I'm feeling a little better today. I think. I was really productive so that's my indication that I'm feeling better. I attended a couple of different career-related panel presentations (virtually of course) and went to a virtual job fair where I learned about a job that may be a good fit for me... Depending on the pay, ha! But seriously, what's the point of applying for a job if I won't be able to afford living within commuting distance? I wish employers would post the salary or pay range since they post all of their required education, licenses, and experience. But I digress...

      It's just a hard time so I am trying to go easy on myself. :)

  6. Oh no, I missed this -- I hope you are feeling better, but man what a gut punch. I'm sorry your family is so insensitive. I feel like you can only be called "clueless" for so long before it becomes actual hurtfulness, the unwillingness to consider. All of it is frustrating. Sending you a retroactive hug!

    1. Thank you Jess. I'm honestly up and down, but I'm not surprised considering the current situation... Pandemic and all. Plus unemployment. Plus regular life stress.

      I count my blessings. That may sound cheesy, but it's true. I feel my feelings and I also remind myself that I have a lot to be thankful for. This blogging community is at the top of my gratitude list! <3

  7. I am sending hugs as well, dear Phoenix! I am so sorry for your family being so thoughtless time and again. Your reaction is completely understandable <3. Sometimes it's just too much.

    1. Thank you! Yes, some days it's just too much. As long as I don't get knocked down for weeks on end, I'm okay with it!