Tuesday, October 19, 2021

Too Much & Not Enough

That's how I'm feeling these days, like everything is either too much or not enough.

Work? Too much. Definitely too much. Very demanding, low pay, long hours.
Weekends? Not enough. Please. I need more. I need every moment I can take to try and relax.

Pandemic? Too much. It's month 19 and we're all breaking in our own ways. Short-fused. Foggy.
Pandemic precautions? Not enough. Not where I live anyway. :( When does this end? And how?

My feelings? Too much. I'm sad one day. I'm anxious the next. Ok, I'm anxious every day... But I also take time to be thankful every day. It's exhausting. But it could be worse. It could be much, much worse. I don't ever want to take my health, home, or groceries for granted.

My energy? Not enough. Except it is. I'm not expecting myself to go full pace, nonstop. Not now. It's impossible. I do expect myself to follow through with my commitments, but I'm also making less commitments. Working part-time. Volunteering a little. Sleeping a lot. My job and the pandemic require it.

It's hard right now. It's really hard. I'm tired. We're all tired. Nobody is having a good time.

But I do believe in enjoying the little things. I believe in cultivating gratitude. I just ate some cinnamon cookies. They were delicious. There's still a pandemic, inflation, a shipping crisis, and climate change, but I also enjoyed my cookies. 

I don't know how I endured infertility. I couldn't enjoy the little things back then. I don't know how I got through those years. I can barely believe I survived. 

Even now it's hard to believe I created a completely new life for myself. And I'm the one living it.

One thing at a time. 

I couldn't think about all of the changes I needed to make all at once. Too much.
I just couldn't stay stuck in the life that I had. Not enough.

I guess that's how we're all getting through these challenging times. One moment at a time.
Anything more is too heavy and way too much, but anything less is superficial and not enough.

Go easy, my friends.


  1. Man, did I need to read this today! Too much and not enough is just the right description. It is completely exhausting right now, and it is strangely reassuring that it's exhausting for EVERYONE. I'm sorry it's a rough time, but I'm so happy for your cinnamon cookies. And I love your advice of one thing at a time. I suck at doing it, but it's great to have that out in the universe over and over again. :) I"m glad you can find the things that make you happy and fulfilled in the hot mess that is current times.

    1. Hello friend. I'm glad the words you needed to read today found their way to you.

      It's so freaking hard right now.

      But we've trained for this. We got this. We will endure. We will overcome. And in the meantime, we will enjoy the little things.

      Abiding with you <3

  2. Your second to last paragraph is genius. "Balance" really is a moving target, isn't it??

    I too wonder how I endured infertility (and an autonomic nervous system disorder) as I've become practically dependent on the "little things" now that I'm able!

    Oh, and happy belated blogoversary!!

    1. Thank you! I read your blog before starting mine. I've told you before, but you've helped me so much. Thank you!!

      Balance is a moving target. So true. I will try to remember this often.

  3. I love the cinnamon cookies. Because honestly, we have to take joy in small things when so much else has gone to sh*. Go easy, be gentle, may you find more small spots of light.

    1. Thank you for returning my reminder. <3 I needed that today. Stuff is hard. I will go easy.

      The cinnamon cookies were worth savoring. I've only been able to buy them in the fall. So of course I buy a lot of boxes, but still, I savor every one. So good!

  4. Dear Phoenix,

    I am so sorry that it is that hard. Sending hugs!

    The pandemic is probably easier to bear over here in Switzerland because there are rules, two thirds of the population are vaccinated and I do feel safer than one year ago. Of course life still is different than it was.

    You are right, taking one moment and one day at a time is the only way to get through it. It will pass eventually. Until then I wish you strength and peace. As always, I am glad you are such a champion at self-care <3.

    Much love!

  5. Oh my deep-feeling friend! Your words leaped off the page. This has been and continues to be such a chaotic time. I wish I could give your cinnamon cookies and related indescribable joy on demand when you're feeling stressed, tired, anxious, foggy and out of sorts with the heaviness around us. Please know that your presence and your heartfelt experience is seen and heard. Like you, I often wonder how I endured and survived infertility. I think those numb-inducing torturous years in some ways gave us the ability to rediscover the importance of finding joy in the intangible and the fortitude to express ourselves more fully. You have more strength and resilience than you know. xx