I've heard of a lot of people decluttering right now. The feeling must be in the air.
I found something important while I was decluttering recently. I found my baby's blanket.
There are so many difficult things about enduring infertility, and one of those things is the absence of acknowledgment. The invisibility. The suffering in silence. The severe lack of support.
I really don't understand why people don't see involuntary childlessness as a profound loss.
And that's why my baby's blanket is so sacred to me.
One of my friend's moms knew I was trying to get pregnant, so she started knitting a baby blanket for me. She asked my friend what my favorite colors were and went and bought the yarn. She got started on it early, worked on it for a while, and finished it well before I ever...
Well, as we all know, I never got pregnant.
So then she didn't know what to do. (Join the club. Neither did I.) She gave it to me as a prayer blanket with full disclosure that it began as a baby blanket.
It was the most significant, heartfelt gift I received.
It was the only gift I received.
It is the only present I have that honors my hoped-for child, and it is extremely important to me.
💜💜💜
Beautiful post. I never received a gift like this so I don't know what I would do. But I was thinking about whether I should some day have a "funeral" and bury some of the things from my childhood that I was saving for my child.
ReplyDeleteThank you.
DeleteAnd that's a good idea. Rituals can be very powerful. <3
This is so profoundly beautiful
ReplyDeleteThank you for abiding with me, Barreness. <3
DeleteOh, what a beautiful blanket. What a beautiful gift. Too have someone who thought of you in your hope and then ALSO in your grief... That is such a gift. Beautiful post.
ReplyDeleteAt first I felt awkward about the blanket, but it was just such a beautiful gift (aesthetically and thoughtfully) that I hung onto it. And now I don't feel awkward about it and I really, really appreciate it.
DeleteAw, that's beautiful. Yes, I was given a gift from a fellow ectopic survivor, but it was supposed to "help" me get pregnant again. It didn't. But nothing ever to recognise the baby I never had. There are some things, when we declutter, that have to stay, aren't there? (Says who is currently taking a short break from decluttering.)
ReplyDeleteOh yes, this blanket is a keeper! It's a reward for decluttering haha. It was in a storage tub with other things that have all gone on to find a place in my home or in a pile to give to the thrift store.
DeleteThis is so incredibly touching, Phoenix. It is actually hard for me to find words. I love that blanket, especially the colors. There is something about handcrafted gifts that makes them extra special.
ReplyDeleteA friend of mine had bought a "Mama album" about pregnancy etc. that she was going to give to me once I was pregnant. She mentioned it or even showed it to me at the time. In any case I never got that book... it would have been difficult to put to any other use anyway...
Much love from rainy Switzerland!
It was hard for me to find words too. I've had this blanket longer than I've had this blog and I could only now write about it.
DeleteYeah, I was given onesies and other stuff too that had no purpose for me once my kids never came. I didn't keep any of that stuff. That stuff is long gone.
Dear Phoenix, what a beautiful gift! And I love how your friend has renamed it: a prayer blanket. It is such a wonderful gift and I am sure you will keep it forever.
ReplyDeleteLots of love from Slovenia,
Klara
It's just so beautiful. I'm so grateful she made it and gave it to me.
Delete