Not Traveling for the Holidays

I'm not traveling for the holidays this year.

In 2016 I missed celebrating the holidays with my family for the first time ever. After enduring several painful holidays during infertility (including one where I traveled with my IVF medications), I finally realized that traveling for the holidays was exactly what I DIDN'T need and stayed home. It sucked and I was sad, but I still knew I was picking the least painful of my options. 

I didn't travel in 2017 either. Because of infertility.

In 2018 I went to my parents' home for the holidays and had a wonderful time with everyone.

In 2019 I missed the holidays with my family again when I was busy rebuilding my life and working two professional jobs in a different state. I was working five days a week teaching middle school and working the weekends at the hospital. I didn't have time to travel. I didn't have time for anything except to get myself established in my new state.

In 2020 there was the pandemic so, once again, I didn't travel to see my family for the holidays. 

I traveled in 2021, but I was terrified. Despite being vaccinated and masked, it took a lot for me to board a plane and spend time with loved ones from multiple households (especially knowing that nobody else was masking anymore). I was the only person in a mask all weekend and it was tough. But it was still good to see everyone.

I traveled for the holidays in 2022 and 2023 and had a grand ol' time.

This year I'm not. I'm not traveling for the holidays again, but it has nothing to do with infertility or the pandemic. I am flat out tired. I took nine trips this year, and I don't even like to travel. I'm grateful for the opportunities. I got to visit my best friend from college and meet her kids. I got to present my research at five different conferences. I saw my parents several times throughout the year. It was all great. I'm just tired.

And so I am done. For 2024. Hahaha. But seriously... 

I'm done with meetings and commitments and commuting. I am definitely done traveling. I warned my family when I saw some of them a couple of weeks ago that I was not going to be traveling anymore this year. We already have time planned together in February so I reminded them of that. My parents and older sister seemed to understand, and I appreciated it. It always feels good to feel understood, even if that feeling is somewhat foreign.

What do YOU need? 

What do you WANT?

They are seemingly simple questions but can be deceptively difficult to answer.

Just put those questions in the back of your mind.
Let them simmer. Let the answers come to you. You don't have to work for them.

I give you permission to rest. You have done enough.

The pictures above are all accurate depictions of me. 😂
They were all found in the public domain by searching "relaxing at home clip art" for images, and they represent my plans for the rest of the year: eating, sleeping, and sewing. Also, I recently found a video game that I really like (first one since, like, 1992!) so I'll be playing that too. And slowly but surely, I'll organize my house. But that's all fun for me. Of course I'll have to go to work too. But that's my only responsibility. Oh and a dentist appointment for a cleaning.
Anyway, I digress...  Do what you want to do.

Abundance

I did not mean to disappear on you, but I got extremely busy and could barely keep my head above water. But! As of today, I am no longer busy. I followed through with all of my commitments and meetings, and now I am done. I feel tired and proud. I will spend the next five weeks doing as little as possible: going to work, cleaning my house, and doing what I want. :)

My house is a wreck. I think back to the last time when I felt like my house wasn't a wreck. It was during a very sad, cold time in my life when I was married but lonely and trying to conceive. My house was clean because I never cooked or created any art. I was barely alive so I didn't make much of a mess. Everything had a place and was in its place because I didn't use anything. 

So the upside of having my house be a wreck is that my life is full and active. I might need to desperately sweep my living room and throw the quilts in the washer, but even while messy, my LIVING room (all caps to emphasize that I am truly living again) feels so warm and cozy. I love it.

Not being able to raise the children I had planned for my whole life upended my entire existence. I created a whole new life that I want to live, but I'm still dealing with the destruction caused by infertility. And one continued problem is I have too much stuff!! Books I'm never going to reference, clothes I'm never going to wear, mismatched pots and pans and kitchen items that don't stack neatly in the cabinets... From the outside looking in, I can be objective about it. I know it's all a grief response. I feel like I have a slight taste (like, 1%) of what dealing with a true hoarding problem might feel like. I'm holding on to so much because I've lost too much already.

And then I remember I used to have twice as much stuff. 

So I let myself feel proud of how far I've come and I give myself grace for where I currently am.

My mother's house is spotless. I would even say it's almost 100% dust free. She keeps a seriously clean house. But I cannot compare myself to her. One, we have different personalities. And two, while she's had her own incredibly difficult periods in her life, the last 15 years have not been one of them. It's much easier to function when you're not in the midst of grief and trauma.

So here I am. At the finish line of a truly challenging calendar year.
Which followed an incredibly harrowing 12 years. 

I am off of work for a whole week, and I am giddy. I don't know what I'm going to do, but it will probably involve sleeping, sewing, and cleaning my house. 

I am so grateful.

Picture above found at What is a cornucopia?

I am thankful for so much: 

a safe and stable place to live, good food to eat, 

hobbies I enjoy, and loved ones to share life with. 

Wishing you warmth, peace, and contentment this holiday season.

Love, Phoenix