I did not mean to disappear on you, but I got extremely busy and could barely keep my head above water. But! As of today, I am no longer busy. I followed through with all of my commitments and meetings, and now I am done. I feel tired and proud. I will spend the next five weeks doing as little as possible: going to work, cleaning my house, and doing what I want. :)
My house is a wreck. I think back to the last time when I felt like my house wasn't a wreck. It was during a very sad, cold time in my life when I was married but lonely and trying to conceive. My house was clean because I never cooked or created any art. I was barely alive so I didn't make much of a mess. Everything had a place and was in its place because I didn't use anything.
So the upside of having my house be a wreck is that my life is full and active. I might need to desperately sweep my living room and throw the quilts in the washer, but even while messy, my LIVING room (all caps to emphasize that I am truly living again) feels so warm and cozy. I love it.
Not being able to raise the children I had planned for my whole life upended my entire existence. I created a whole new life that I want to live, but I'm still dealing with the destruction caused by infertility. And one continued problem is I have too much stuff!! Books I'm never going to reference, clothes I'm never going to wear, mismatched pots and pans and kitchen items that don't stack neatly in the cabinets... From the outside looking in, I can be objective about it. I know it's all a grief response. I feel like I have a slight taste (like, 1%) of what dealing with a true hoarding problem might feel like. I'm holding on to so much because I've lost too much already.
And then I remember I used to have twice as much stuff.
So I let myself feel proud of how far I've come and I give myself grace for where I currently am.
My mother's house is spotless. I would even say it's almost 100% dust free. She keeps a seriously clean house. But I cannot compare myself to her. One, we have different personalities. And two, while she's had her own incredibly difficult periods in her life, the last 15 years have not been one of them. It's much easier to function when you're not in the midst of grief and trauma.
So here I am. At the finish line of a truly challenging calendar year.
Which followed an incredibly harrowing 12 years.
I am off of work for a whole week, and I am giddy. I don't know what I'm going to do, but it will probably involve sleeping, sewing, and cleaning my house.
I am so grateful.
