I used to be so embarrassed and ashamed that I couldn't have kids. That I didn't adopt. That I wasn't raising children. I'm not embarrassed or ashamed anymore. I tried. It didn't happen.
I used to see being infertile and childless not by choice as my primary identity. I wanted to be a mom and I wasn't. So what was I? I was involuntarily childless. The end.
I don't feel that way anymore either.
It wasn't the end. It wasn't the end of my life, my desire to live, or my vibrancy. It was just a completely traumatic and devastating change from what I had planned, wanted, needed.
Now, ten years later, I have processed so many thoughts and feelings and hurts and losses. I have integrated my experiences with infertility and not having kids. It's no longer how I mainly see myself. I identify as so many other things now. I am a quilter, a healthcare professional, a former teacher, a friend, and a woman who is determined to enjoy her life amidst the good and the bad.
I am still childless not by choice. It's a significant part of who I am, so I am glad I am no longer embarrassed and ashamed. Now it's just part of my conversation, even when I don't realize it.
Take yesterday for example. I was talking to my co-worker. He is a 22 year old guy, so we are very different. Different sexes. Different generations. I'm actually older than his parents haha. We both have our own quirky personalities though. We both get really into our niche interests and love to talk about them. So he and I get along great as we visit while we work.
Yesterday he brought up a news story from several months ago about a social media parent being convicted of child abuse. (I swear, it's not often serious conversation. We usually talk about our hobbies.) I was just listening but then he said, "And it's stories like that make you stop and think, 'And these are the people that get to have kids?'"
And without even thinking I jumped in and said, "Oh I know! It's so angering. I wanted kids really bad, but I couldn't have them. And then you hear stories like that and the world just isn't fair."
There was a slight pause in conversation as I realized that I had disclosed my infertility to a young kid (ok, young adult, but still... a kid, haha) at work. As I was hoping I didn't put him in an awkward situation, he cleared his throat and said, "Oh well, there's still time. It could still happen." And I simply replied, "No, I can't have kids. And now I'm too old."
Most people stop there, right? Not this guy. Did I mention that I really like my co-worker? He's a little awkward sometimes (aren't we all) and doesn't always say what you expect. So imagine my surprise when he followed my reply with, "Well, enjoy the little things."
Now that comment might be the wrong thing to say someone on a certain day depending on where they are with things and how they are feeling. But let me tell you, it was exactly the best thing he could have said to me in that moment.
I excitedly replied, "YES!! That's exactly what I'm doing!" And smiled.
I did not feel dimissed, diminished, or discounted. I felt seen. I felt heard. And oddly, in a way, I felt understood for a second. By my co-worker that's young enough to be my son.
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