A Simple Life

A lot of people have written about feeling the need to do The Next Big Thing after losing their dreams of motherhood to infertility. It's like we are supposed to have some awesome career, a big bank account, or some badass endeavor. One of my sisters told me during my very dark time that now I can "travel the world and go on adventures!" I wanted to be a mom. I wanted to raise children. There is no substitution for that. I wasn't a kid in college going to study abroad. Plus, as most of you know, I don't even like to travel.

Is there no recognition for finding the desire to want to stay alive? 
Is it not a monumental achievement to rediscover the will to live and feel at peace?

One thing that has always bothered me about my blog is the fact that I drastically changed my entire life by going back to school, moving out of state, and getting divorced. (Again, most of you know but only two of those things were planned.) It's like I jumped into The Next Big Thing and I hate for that to be the example I'm giving. I honestly believe just getting out of bed every day is a huge task. Especially during the first few years of grief. I don't want other people to feel pressured like they're supposed to do all this big stuff in life when they have absolutely no resources left.

But also--with all of that said, if you want to change your life, YOU CAN. 

One small thing at a time.

Every ounce of effort counts.

Getting out of bed counts.

Taking a shower counts.

Making yourself something to eat counts.

Once you've eaten, you've given yourself some energy to complete a task. 

    Do you need to log in and pay a bill? 

    How about surfing the internet to explore job or hobby ideas? 

    Or picking up a broom to sweep away the dust bunnies you've seen for days?

    Or going for a 10 minute walk outside? (I always forget about this and tend to stay sedentary.)

It all counts.

It's whatever you want. Live your life. 

I couldn't live my old life so I had to change it. I guess that was my Next Big Thing, but it was necessary. I was going to die if I stayed in my children's house spending my weekends driving across traffic to whichever friend's kid was having a birthday party that weekend, assuming I was even invited to the birthday party. 

But now? Ten years later? Ten years full of grieving, going back to school, moving out of state, getting divorced, starting a new career, and, oh yeah, enduring a pandemic... I'm good. I'm done. And quite honestly, I'm very, very tired.

I will now live my simple life. 

Ignore the haters. There are a lot of them and they are loud. They want to criticize our every decision, question our every belief, and dampen our moments of happiness. All while the world burns around us. As if we need any more negativity in our lives.

The game changed on us. We don't have to play by their rules.

Speaking of games and living my simple life, my boyfriend bought me a Nintendo Switch last year. I thought it was funny because I notoriously hate video games. But, he was convinced I would love it. And, as usual, he was right. Hahaha. And now... I'm obsessed. I love it. 

I love playing Stardew Valley. I love to plant and harvest my crops. I love to pet and feed my animals. I love to run around foraging and completing quests. I love this simple farming game. 

Quiet Weekends

I am working a lot this month. It's hard, but I like my job and I appreciate the paycheck.

I just had a really restful weekend, and I love that. My boyfriend and I went out to eat on Friday night. We went out for lunch and then watched an old movie at home on Saturday night. 

I've been decluttering my fabric stash, which is fun and satisfying lol. I already organized my scraps and remnants. This weekend I went through my 1 - 3 yard cuts of fabric. I've reached my shelf capacity, so I pulled things to donate to make room for what's most important to me. I like having it all visible so I can see and remember what I have. I mean, the overall point is to use it. 

Today I did laundry and ran the dishwasher like I usually do on Sundays. I like having routines.

The point of all this?

My job is demanding. My weekend was quiet. I'll return tomorrow feeling restored.

I wouldn't be doing this work if I was raising children.
But that doesn't matter.
Because I'm not raising children. 

I'm living THIS life, the life that I have: a demanding job that I'm passionate about, quiet weekends, hobbies, and all.

Another important part of my life? My new kitten. A neighbor found him, there wasn't an owner, and so we took him in. He's been here almost two months and he's doubled in size. He's hilarious. He snuggles. He loves to play. He's my new entertainment. It's been 7.5 years since my dog died, and I got her before I started trying to get pregnant. This little guy is my first pet since knowing I won't have kids. I hope to spoil him for a very long time. 

💖

Take Time to Grieve

Once again, Dolly Parton leads the way with her wisdom!

This article says she is taking a break from writing new music to grieve.

Very, very wise.

As Mali has recently written, now is not the time for accomplishments.

Our society sucks at grief. Our society sucks at obvious grief, such as losing a partner or a child, and our society really sucks at disenfranchised grief, where the grieving may not be so obvious.

Take time to grieve.

Quit things, start new things, do nothing. Cry, yell, sit in silence. Journal, go for walks, hang out with a trusted friend. Do whatever it is you need to do when you experience loss. Feel it. Move through it. Let yourself grieve.

Who cares what other people think. 

Their thoughts and perceptions are probably not even accurate! They come from their own perspective and experiences. They are living their life, not yours. Other people do not understand. That does not invalidate your experience or what you need to do.

Once again, Tom Petty said it better than I ever could.

July 4th Anniversaries

I want you to choose yourself.

I want you to fiercely protect your peace.

I want you to pursue what inspires and nourishes you.

Infertility changed me.

Being childless-not-by-choice changed me.

The pandemic changed me.

2024 alone changed me.

Pic from SelfLoveRainbow

We have ONE LIFE.

(Thank you Tom Petty!)

Pic retrieved from this tribute post

I've shared that I hit extreme burnout last year. It was awful. I took the whole month of December off. I went to work and that was it. No meetings, no appointments, no traveling. I went to the grocery store and checked the mail. I did the bare minimum.

Then I spent the first 6 months of 2025 following through but not adding anything. I went to work. I went to appointments. I finished a quilt top, the hardest one I've sewn so far! And I am so close to finishing the draft of my research article that is good enough to submit for publication. (If accepted, I will get it back with lots of edits to make. But I want to submit the best work I can.)

I feel sooo much better. There are physical signs. Instead of sleeping 10-12 hours a night, I am sleeping 8-9 hours a night. There are emotional signs. When I feel stressed, I can breathe and talk myself through it instead of falling apart or shutting down. There are spiritual signs. I feel more connected to something bigger than me. I refuse to give up. I will continue living my little life sharing the light I have with everyone that comes into my orbit.

*****

July 4th.
Yesterday was a contrast in anniversaries. 

One year ago yesterday I received a phone call from my niece where she was unexpectedly and very shockingly rude, hateful, and condescending to me. When I shared a little about that phone call with other close family members, nobody reacted much. I had to explain why what she said and did was so wrong. It changed everything. It was/is very, very hard for me. I still think about it often. I give myself grace. We navigate and manage what comes our way the best way we can in the moment.

On the other hand, four years ago yesterday my boyfriend and I moved into our home. If we are still at this address next year, it will be the longest I've ever lived anywhere in my life. I cannot describe the feelings that my home gives me, but... I bought this house for the life I have now. I never planned on or even imagined raising children here. And logistically, I haven't had to change my address for the last four years. I haven't had to shut off and start up a bunch of different utilities and services. I haven't had to pack up everything and move it. 

I've been allowed to just be.

I want that for you. Prioritize your well-being.

I'll leave you with another July 4th anniversary.
Six years ago I wrote this post: The Cost of My Freedom

Pic retrieved from Ontario Science Centre