I will most likely move again. Our lease is up in 7 months. I like our rental property, but I can't afford to buy it and complete the upgrades it needs. Plus, it's not for sale.
But hopefully, I won't move states again. In all honesty, I'm running out of places to move to. However, I am willing to move out of the country if any of my international readers need a caregiver. Just throwing that idea out into the universe! ;)
Infertility devastated me. I had planned to be a mom my whole life. I organized my whole life around it. Rebuilding my existence as a divorced, childless woman has been extremely hard. It felt almost impossible. Seven and eleven years later (that's the divorce and ending fertility treatments, respectively), I'm feel like I'm still picking up the pieces. I'm just so tired.
I can't seem to figure out how to do all of the things I need and want to do: work full-time, cook good food, clean the house, sleep enough, exercise, explore my new area, make new friends, and sew. Right now I am working full-time and sleeping enough so that's good. But I want to fit in the other stuff too.
I am overweight. I do not feel comfortable in my body. Even if I do not lose any weight (that number is just the measure of our gravitational pull toward Earth anyway), I want to feel better and have more endurance. I'm convinced exercise is the missing ingredient in my life, but I haven't started doing it before work (too early!), after work (too tired!), or on the weekends (I just want a break!).
I'm in a funk. And it makes total sense. I'm perimenopausal. I just moved halfway across the country. I started a new job where I am creating a new department and program for a large organization. I am still profoundly sad by the words and actions of my family of origin throughout my life. Current events are gravely misaligned with my values. And everything is getting so damn expensive. It's hard!
It has been so, so hard to rebuild my life after going full force in one direction for thirty-five years. Infertility was traumatic. Divorce was sad too. Not to mention, getting divorced completely changed my financial situation and I will most likely never be financially comfortable like that again. However, my peace of mind and sense of self are priceless. I'll admit I often feel frustrated financially, but I have no regrets about choosing my spirit and happiness over financial comfort.
This is another rambling post. But I cried three times last week. All short. All healthy releases. I just needed to admit to myself that the move has been hard. The new awesome job has been hard. My family is hard. The sociopolitical climate is hard. Hell, the actual climate is hard.
I am fighting depression. I am tired, but I am fighting anyway. I use the word "fight" generously. I am not "fighting hard." I am doing as little as possible, ha. I'm taking things down a notch. Again. Instead of cooking this week, I might just get healthy take-out salads for dinner. Instead of loading up my errands and chores in an effort to get stuff done, this week I'm going to take it easy. Do less. Just go to work and come home. And tell myself "fuck it" when I start thinking I should do this or I should do that. There's a time and a place for that mentality, but that is not what I need. Not this week. Not today, Satan.
I'm gonna make myself go for a walk though. For 5 - 10 minutes. Just a little something. Movement and fresh air. I don't know when... Before work? After work? On the weekend? But I'll report back that I did it. I'm going to hold myself accountable. I'm in that stage between having a low mood and being depressed, and if I don't do something differently, it will be harder to get out of it. I know this. I've been here before.
I searched online for "fabric mess" and found this picture here. I thought a picture like that could be a relatable picture of upheaval for me. It also reminds me that great things come from creative messes. We don't create awesome new things from staying the same.
Sending hugs. When you said you were running out of places to move to, I shouted out (in my mind) "don't forget about NZ!" And then your next sentence came. I don't need a caregiver - but I might soon. Sigh.
ReplyDeleteYou're allowed to be overwhelmed. Moving house is hard, let alone moving states. I'm glad you are looking after yourself, to reduce that stress. It is very sensible.
I'm with you on the exercise. I've been completely slack. Caregiving for my husband has been hard, and getting out to exercise just seems too hard on top of that. Although I know I feel better when I do. Maybe today I'll go on a short walk?!
Hugs, Mali. It's hard to fit it all in. Exercise is the best thing for us, but that doesn't mean it's easy to find the time or make it a habit.
DeleteHere's my update for the day: I wrote this, hit publish, and decided to do a whole lot less than my usual get-ready-for-the-week Sunday. But I still did laundry (that's easy for me) and went to the grocery store , planned dinner for tomorrow, and cooked something for my lunches this week (all that is challenging for me and yes I'm proud I did it lol). Even when it's hard, I feel better when I take care of myself.
I did not go for a walk today, but I will sometime this week. I'll think of you. Think of me when you walk. Of course, the other will most likely be sleeping on the other side of the world, but in spirit, we can walk together. <3
Sending big (((hugs))). That's a lot of upheaval, and moving is HARD -- no wonder you're tired! I'm another one who should exercise (or at least move) more than I do, but it's hard. I'm not naturally athletic, and I have a theory that school phys ed classes do nothing to encourage those of us who are not athletically inclined, and can turn a lot of us off exercise for life...!
ReplyDeleteAs for where to move next (!), Canada is not easy to emigrate to -- but I know you've got some experience in medically-adjacent fields -- and medical staff are getting recruited and fast-tracked by some provinces. Also, they changed the law in December, so that if you can document a connection to a Canadian grandparent or great-grandparent, you could be granted citizenship. Just saying...!
You're in my thoughts!
Thank you for listening/reading, Loribeth. I'm surprised I'm still so tired, but it makes sense when I think about all of the recent changes. I've just felt lower lately and that makes sense too. (Even if it didn't make sense, they're still my feelings lol!)
DeleteWhen I started this blog, I usually wrote about feeling terrible. Over the years, I've felt better thankfully. But lately, if I'm being honest, it's been challenging. I'm sure a lot of people can relate.
Sending you a big hugs from sLOVEnia.
ReplyDeleteFor me, a gentle walk for one hour a day has been a lifesaver. And recently I discovered Pilates: Jessica Valant's exercises on youtube. I feel much better after a walk and 10 minutes of pilates.
Thinking of you.
much love,
Klara
Thank you, Klara. <3 I'm going to start walking at the park. Even if I don't feel like it. Because eventually I will feel like it. I know walking will help me feel better.
DeleteMore hugs coming from Switzerland, Phoenix!
ReplyDeleteIt certainly sounds like a lot. I agree with Loribeth: Moving is hard! In my experience, working full-time in a new job can be all-consuming in the first six months. I am not surprised you don't have the energy to meet new friends or go to the gym. But I hope things will get easier once six months have passed <3.
Yes, please be proud of your cooking! Doing meal prep for every single meal of the entire week might be too much in this particular phase of your life. I will tell you what I do: I usually cook bigger amounts of food on the weekend so that we have leftovers for dinner during the week. But to make life easier, I usually pick up a salad for lunch on my way to work ;-). That's a routine that is perfect for me – it might be different for you. Picking up something healthy to reduce the stress can definitely be an option.
Oh – I would love to have you here in Switzerland, Phoenix! But I guess moving continent is even harder than moving states...
Re the exercise: I usually love to go for walks, especially in spring. For some reason I struggle this year though, too. I will try to get outside today though – thank you for the reminder <3.
That's true, Elaine! Six months after moving can make a big difference. I'm already 4 months in and feeling better than I did at the beginning.
DeleteThank you for the encouragement about the meal prep. I think you're right. I was trying to do too much and then feeling bad when I couldn't. I think a combination of making one or two things on the weekend, plus picking up some salads during the week is going to be my plan.
And yes! Walking!! We are all going to be enjoying some springtime walking. (And Mali will enjoy some fall-time walking!)
Sending a hug. This is such a hard time collectively, and then you are also having a hard time personally. You need stable ground to stand on, and I hope you find it soon so you can catch your breath.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Mel. I have so much to be thankful for AND it's hard. It's both. <3
DeleteSending so much love and peace to you. Upheaval and remaking things is so stressful. Walks sound good, as do a few release valve cries. 💜 Western NY is lovely and has lots of healthcare systems... Wink wink
ReplyDeleteI just forgot. I forgot how hard it is to move and how expensive it is. My boyfriend told me to give it a year before I feel like my usual self and I think he's right. That sounds long, but I'm almost halfway there already. But I still can't find anything in the grocery store! Haha. It's just all so disorienting. And I'm lucky. This is a positive move. All of my moves have been positive, as in, moving for a better situation in one way or another. But still... Whoa. I'm tired. All that said... Western NY is not off the table. ;)
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