I promise not to make every post about school, but, real quick, here's another one. ;)
I've shared that school is intense, that it's a lot of work, that I'm exhausted, and that I have very little time to myself. Thank you for listening. I feel supported by you all and I greatly appreciate it.
Why can't I get this support in real life?
I have a friend I've been playing phone tag with. She calls and I'm busy, I call and she's busy. It's aggravating because a couple of things have happened in her life and we really want to catch up. But the current pace of modern life is just too damn busy. I'm pretty sure she's not impressed with me not being available like I used to be. Everyone is.
My complaint is that I get no understanding from anyone. Not from that friend. Not from other friends. Not from family.
The other day my mom got upset with me because I didn't come over when I said I was going to because I was tired and working on assignments. I was venting to my husband and he said, "I don't mean to add fuel to the fire but this probably wouldn't be happening if we had kids. If we had kids, we'd be doing all the kid things and no one would question our use of time."
He is so right!!!
So why do parents get all the benefits of doubt but other adults don't?
I know. Because people remember what it was like when they didn't have kids. When they were, I don't know, 22 and going to work and partying on the weekends and doing whatever they wanted. I want to scream from the mountaintops, "Not having children when you're 37 is ENTIRELY different than when you're 22!" People remember when they went to college. Sure, it was hard, but it was also fun. Again, I want to scream, "This program I'm in is not like college!!"
Last winter my family expected me to drive five hours for a day trip to celebrate the holidays. Yes, that's ten hours in the car for about 3 hours of family time. I said I was too tired. My mom said I could sleep in the car. I told her I wasn't 12 anymore and that sleeping in the car wasn't going to cut it. My dad said I can't expect my cousins to travel because it's too hard traveling with little kids. I said I wasn't coming. Instead, I basically slept for three days.
Maybe if my life looked like everyone else's I would get more credit.
Yeah 22 year old no kid life is no way like chilfree life in your 30s. For one, the big difference in energy! That was crazy that your family expected you to drive five hours each way for just 3 hours family time. There is no WAY I would have done that either! I hate how a childfree person's time is considered less valuable than that of a parents.
ReplyDeleteYes! There is a BIG difference in energy.
DeleteWell, my parents did that 10-hour drive for 3 hours of family time, and, the good news is, they said they are never doing that again. I told them neither was I. So we'll see what we do for the holidays this year...
I wish there was an answer. I think letting people know you're busy is all you can do. You might not get understanding from them, but at least you're standing up for yourself, and speaking your truth.
ReplyDeleteAs for your friend - I hope you manage to get together, and then you can both bemoan the fact that it is so hard to connect.
Thank you Mali. I think you're right: just letting people know I'm busy is all I can do. I mean, I'm not lying. And I do have to get my assignments and projects done.
DeleteI texted my friend again on Friday and tried calling her yesterday. I haven't heard from her. Hopefully, she's just busy and hasn't written me off, but, honestly, I could see it going either way. To add to our difficulties, she lives about an hour away. When I was TTC, I would go see her once a month and we really enjoyed that. But I don't have time to do that anymore. If and when we do get together, we will definitely bemoan the fact that it is so hard to connect.
I'm trying my best to enjoy my current life, but I am honestly really looking forward to what I have planned for the future: graduating, moving to another state, and starting my new career.
I'm so sorry you're not getting the support you need in the "real world." That stinks. I hear you on the difference between childfree in your early 20s and childfree in your thirties (or later)... I hate when people are like, "Well, you can do whatever you want!" or worse when they said that before, while we were still striving and failing. When you want something and you have to fight so hard to get it (and then you don't) there is so much grief, during and after. It's not always understood, and even if there are "consolation prizes" you are saddled with the grief and sadness of what could have been. That double standard for people with children and time is a very real thing. There is a sort of justifying that feels needed (that I try to squash) that somehow I am doing things of worth. Sigh. I hope it gets better for you! Glad your parents don't expect the 10 hours for 3 hours tradeoff anymore.
ReplyDeleteThanks Jess. Yeah I really hate the "you can do whatever you want" comments like I don't have rent and car payments and boring errands to run just like everyone else. Yes, I am a big fan of sleeping but I would much rather have my children than sleep in every Saturday morning. People are really just so heartlessly clueless about the whole thing. Or jealous of what they assume my life to be like. Don't get me wrong, my life is pretty great but I've worked my ass off to get to this point. Just wish I had a girlfriend or two nearby... So for now (and even after I move), I'll just keep blogging. :)
DeleteYour dh is absolutely right!! And yes, going back to school in your 30s is a lot different than the first time around in your late teens/20s. People really just don't think. :p Hope you manage to connect with your friend, sooner vs later.
ReplyDeleteThat's it- people really just don't think. Sigh...
DeleteI never did get together with my friend, but she texted me yesterday and updated me on her life. It sounds like things are going really well so that's good and I'm happy for her. We've known each other a long time, but we're at different places in our lives and doing different things. We are growing apart but I hope we will always be in touch.
It hit me within the last year that people who haven't been through infertility use the "reference point" of where they were before they had kids to perceive where I'm at, which of course completely the wrong context! It's frustrating when so much of our life force is used up in grieving, mourning, adapting, surviving, re-envisioning, etc yet those things are invisible to most. Glad you stayed home and slept!!
ReplyDeleteExactly. That shows people's lack of thinking right there-- using your early 20s as a reference point for your late 30s...
DeleteIt is so, so frustrating. Again, thank you for your words!! "So much of our life force is used up in grieving, mourning, adapting, surviving, re-envisioning, etc yet those things are invisible to most." Many months ago my sister was telling me I'm the most inflexible person ever, that I have to plan everything and write everything down. It hurt my feelings and pissed me off! I was so upset I said nothing. I have just shut down with her. Me? Inflexible? After I have spent the last two years completely recreating my life? In just one little description she completely denied all of my hard work and what I've managed to accomplish through grief. It really made me mad. People can be such idiots.