I've had a bit of writer's block for the last month or so. I think it's from exhaustion. I can barely believe how tired I got from that spring semester.
But writer's block is similar to how I'm feeling conversationally with people. I don't know what to say these days. I'm at a loss for words. I don't know how to talk about my life without giving people the impression that I'm interested in their opinions.
Basically I'm sick of the script.
You know what I'm talking about, where the conversation predictably goes from kids to treatments to adoption to foster care. If people actually knew what they were talking about, that'd be one thing. But... It always seems to be the fertile people wanting to engage me in these topics.
Them: Do you have kids?
Me: No.
Them: Oh, why not?
Me: ...
or
Them: Which one is yours?
Me: Oh, I don't have any kids.
Them: Well, you better get on it. You're not getting any younger.
Me: ...
or
Them: So you don't have children?
Me: No.
Them: Wow, what do you do with all of your free time?
Me: ...
or
Them: No kids, huh? Are you gonna try IVF?
Me: ...
Them: Have you thought about adoption?
Me: ...
Them: Well, there are a TON of kids in foster care...
Or any other variation of conversation that inevitably ensues when I'm talking to a parent and they learn I don't have any kids.
My mother is always telling me I need to "educate her" because she doesn't know what it's like and she doesn't know how and when she's being insensitive. To that I told her, "It's exhausting being in the marginalized population and always having the expectation that I will be educating others." Not only that, but I don't actually want to talk about my trauma all the time. Go figure. What may be a simple conversation for others may be an extreme act of labor on my part, one that will stay with me for several days.
So I get stuck. I don't want to talk about my infertility conversationally, but, at the same time, I don't want my reality to be completely ignored. I just wish there was a place for my reality in this world.
No, I don't have kids. No, I can't have kids. No, it's none of your business.
Yes, I know about fertility treatments. No, I'm not going to discuss what I've done or not done.
Yes, I know about adoption. Yes, I know about foster care.
No, I am not going to go into the detailed, time-consuming conversations my husband and I have had where we've discussed everything and came to our conclusions.
I mean, seriously, wtf people??
Do people really think this is an appropriate/comfortable/light conversation topic?
I'm pretty good at coming up with snarky comebacks, but I want to figure out what to say to redirect the conversation politely. For those situations where it's best if I'm not rude (like, in a future work setting). I'm trying to think of things to say ahead of time so I don't get caught off guard in the moment. The approach I'm currently in favor of is to answer a question with a question. Just do anything to make them talk, instead of me.
Some of my ideas:
Why do you ask?
What was your experience (with treatments/adoption/fostering) like?
Are you familiar with the process?
Or maybe I can stick with noncommittal murmurings:
Oh...
Hmmm...
You don't say.
Isn't that interesting.
Anyway, just thinking out loud. Writer's block. Feeling stuck in conversations. Words just haven't come easily for me over the last month or so... Just trying to be prepared for the future.
Please feel free to share any ideas you may have! :)
I think those responses are great - I LOVE "Are you familiar with the process?". I will save that one and definitely use it if ever I'm asked about adoption. Also 'What was your experience (with treatments/adoption/fostering) like?' - brilliant. I'm surrounded by people with kids at work but for some reason I don't get asked these questions much any more, I'm not sure how I've got away with that. I think it's because I'm a bit isolated here, being a foreigner in a very family-orientated country: the locals tend to stick to their own circles and not be too curious about outsiders. I'm rarely even asked where I'm from. I'm older too, I suppose. The few times I've been asked I've just said 'no' in a very neutral way and let them deal with it: I've never been asked why. I think the Irish and English shy away from asking that, at least until they know you really well. Those comments you get are actually really rude, especially 'Well, you better get on it. You're not getting any younger'. If someone asked me what I do with all my free time I'd be pissed off. Well, no, I would have been a few years ago - now I'd be totally smug just to annoy them: I'd start to list all the things I do (read all the time, relax, enjoy the peace and quiet etc). I'm more likely to own it now, rather than be fuming like I was in the beginning. Which is good, and happens to everyone I think - I just don't care what people say or think now I'm 45, one advantage of getting older!
ReplyDeleteThank you Shores! :) I've never actually asked anyone, "Are you familiar with the process?" I thought of it while writing the post. If you use it, I'd be interested in how it goes! I'm glad you like some of my ideas! I'm with you, I get these questions less and less as the years go by. But after I graduate, I anticipate another round of being asked at my new job. Just want to be prepared! (Haha all of my classmates are actually studying course content and I'm brainstorming for future conversations in the workplace. Shows you the differences of where we are in life...)
DeleteYeah turning the conversation back around to them is a good idea. Sorry you are having to face those insensitive questions and comments so often. I've occasionally been caught off guard and asked something personal about kids and I end up mumbling something vague. I wish people would have the common sense not to ask invasive questions like that or to have some tact. The adoption comment always annoys me too because firstly I'm sure every infertile couple has discussed whether adoption might be for them already and it's a personal decision and secondly it's not something people should enter into lightly! My sister constantly gets asked when she is going to get married, even being asked that in front of her boyfriend. Really awkward.
ReplyDeletePeople are so weird!! Or is it that a lot of people are thoughtless? I don't know; I don't get it. But if my own family, who loves me very much, is severely lacking in the empathy and understanding all the implications of infertility departments, then I have zero expectations for the general public.
DeleteI think asking people off the bat about kids and "What do you do for a living?" is really rude. People will mention their kids if they have any. So if people don't talk about kids, it's probably safe to assume that they don't have kids. Some people just are so ignorant and tone deaf to social cues.
ReplyDeleteTone deaf to social cues for sure!! :)
DeleteI think most people really do think this is a light, comfortable and appropriate conversation topic. Problem is, we are approaching it with a PhD, they are approaching it with a more first grade type of view and experience......except they don't know it. Especially in the early years my feelings were so so charged and they were coming at it from this nonchalant linear place. Have you also noticed the conversation pace is typically way too fast to even begin to address the layers and complexities of these issues?
ReplyDeleteWords don't come easily for this at all because 1) it's not in the human conversation and 2) the sociatal awareness is so low that people's responses to pretty much anything we say are unreasonable. My husband once said "these people want to know everything but listen to nothing".
I've been using the following, which I cannot endorse as "working" or nipping things in the bud, and they are probably not always the right things for a work place either....just throwing it out there:
1) "We tried very hard but couldn't, it's been life altering and quite a grieving process." This puts it on them to connect & empathize, yeah good luck with that I know......
2) "No alternative paths to parenthood were feasible for us." as a rebuttal to did you try-------------
3) And sometimes I'll add - "More importantly we were past our breaking point and had to abandon our pursuit of parenthood in order to save ourselves" since people don't realize that our pursuits are, you know....HARD.
Yes, yes, yes. Other people do come at this from a "nonchalant nonlinear place." So well put. To them it IS a light, comfortable topic of conversation. I love what your husband said, "These people want to know everything but listen to nothing." So true.
DeleteYes, it IS exhausting always being the one who has to educate others and explain/justify ourselves and our decisions. :p I don't think people realize that. I like your comebacks!
ReplyDeleteSo. So. Tiring. Like, bone numbingly exhausting. I'm thankful I'm learning to stop explaining. :)
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