Thursday, July 6, 2017

Waiting, Waiting, Waiting

I know that ultimately everything in life is temporary. We are all born and we all die. The days are long but the years are short. I know all this. But I still have to/get to experience the daily realities of my life. And my life, for over the last five years, has been full of waiting.

The waiting throughout infertility is almost unbearable. Well, because at first, I didn't know I was infertile. So I temped and charted and tried to get pregnant for two years. By then, I figured there was a problem. Actually, I knew there was a problem only 7 months in when I got my AMH results back. But I figured I was subfertile, not sterile, that I would get pregnant and have a baby if I just stayed patient. Then I spent almost a year working with my doctor, whom I loved. But I still didn't get pregnant. Then I spent another year hoping I would be one of those stories who, after all the years and all the treatments didn't work, miraculously got pregnant. Oh gawd, that was a lot of waiting. Like I've said before, it almost killed me.

So my lifelong dream of having children didn't happen. I had to figure something else out.
I hated where I lived and I hated what I was doing. I wanted to change almost my entire life.

And that's awesome! Well... Sorta.  I mean, it's an awesome response to trauma and devastation. I felt like I was dying, and I chose to live. I just had to figure out where and how. 'Cause it sure as hell wasn't happening out in the 'burbs as an infertile housewife.

And you already know: I moved, sold my house, and went back to school blah blah blah.

The thing is though, it's just more WAITING. 😩

And hard work.



I don't want to wish my life away, but...
I am so ready to be living the next phase of my life already.
I am eager to graduate, move, start my new career, put down some roots, and explore new hobbies and volunteering activities. I am ready to live my life. I am so tired of waiting.

Oh well. I'll do it anyway. 😂 😂 😂


  1. Oh, that's hard to trade in one kind of waiting for another. I am excited for your back-to-school-ness, because it will be like a reset button. Even going to classes is a reset, but hard when you can't do what you'd like to be doing until you graduate. The waiting really is the worst. I can totally understand feeling like, "Get ON with it already! I am ready to GO do this thing!"

    1. Seriously!!! Let's GOOOOOO! :)))

      But hey, I'm glad I'm excited about something again. I'll never take that for granted. <3

  2. Oh, I totally hear you on the waiting. I'm in a very waiting filled place right now myself, exacerbated by the fact that I now am functional enough to care about getting on with things, already (if only it were that simple).

    1. Waiting sucks, but it's better than staying stuck. We can wait together. :)