I used to hate the space in between things. Like the commute to work. I just wanted to be at home or at work, not traveling between the two. I didn't really like being engaged. I kind of just wanted to go from boyfriend-girlfriend to married. I just hated the space in between. I hated infertility because it was devastatingly disappointing and traumatic but also because it was a weird limbo space in between. Definitely hated that. I think I would've hated pregnancy too, honestly. Partly because it's a life-changing space in between.
What makes me think of all that is the fact that we're in the space in between Thanksgiving and New Year's Day. A time I loved as a kid, hated during infertility, and am starting to enjoy again on my own terms in the last year or two.
It's hard to do things differently. Like celebrating holidays. Especially when you've done them a certain way your whole life and you anticipate continuing to do those things year after year with the next generation. And then that doesn't happen.
There is no answer. There is no solution. There is only getting through.
And then it gets better. Sometimes eventually, sometimes overnight.
Either you learn to adapt to what you've always done or you change what you do in the future.
For me, the idea of celebrating the holidays differently was horrible. I wanted to keep doing what I'd always done, but it got too hard for me. Every cousin started expanding their families and pretty soon I was the only woman without a child and I'm not to the point yet where I am fully comfortable with that position.
So I'm taking a couple of years off. I'll be back. When things are a little different. When I get further down the road in my recovery. When their kids are a little grown. I can see that happening. Just not this year.
That may sound weird to an outsider. It would've sounded weird to me several years ago. But it doesn't sound weird to me right now. It sounds like that's what I need to do.
In a lot of ways I'm in the space in between, but I don't mind so much anymore.
It isn't weird at all. What infertility has thought me is that I have to take care of myself.
ReplyDeleteIf I don't take care of myself, no one else will. No one else can.
DeleteThank you always for your comments Klara! <3
exactly, no one else can.
Deleteyou are welcome. I love commenting on your blog :)
I love this. I agree with Klara, self-care is an incredible lesson learned through infertility. Do your holidays your way! Agreed, limbo was the hardest part of it all. Exhausting. And the holidays are like a gauntlet of triggers for what was lost. I am nervous about it myself. We'll get through it somehow, I have faith! I'll be thinking of you through this in between season.
ReplyDeleteI'll be thinking of you too! :))) I am cautiously optimistic about things this year. Maybe because it's my 2nd year since knowing I'm not having kids. I was pretty anxious about my 1st year and just braced myself the whole time, which was also hard. I feel a little more relaxed this time around.
DeleteNope, not weird at all. I think in due course you'll find you really enjoy the holidays. But taking time off now, taking off the time in between grief and healing, is enlightened, sensible, and fun. After all, do we want to spend this time of the year in exactly the same way every year of our lives? I guess that might be comforting to some, but it isn't to me.
ReplyDeleteOh, and if you want something to do in the time in between, remember that the weather in NZ between November and New Year's is lovely! Hint, hint.
Well thank you! I quite enjoy the idea that taking a couple of years off is "enlightened, sensible, and fun." And I especially like your idea about traveling to New Zealand at this time!!
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