Thursday, February 15, 2018

Getting By/Getting Through

What a tough week!! Some weeks are like that. It doesn't mean that they don't suck though.

Sometimes I feel like the best I can do is just get by. And that's more than enough. Getting by is good enough. And I've always been a "good enough" kind of woman. Good enough has gotten me where I am today and here I am so...

I saw the counselor today. I feel lucky that I am able to see a counselor. The school offers a set number of visits for free every year. At least they're doing *something* right. And whoa, talk about validation... Very much appreciated!! I get it from my husband, from my best friend, and from your comments. But there's something about hearing it from an outside source. I started out telling her the 3 - 4 things that upset me this week with the intention of asking her for ideas for coping strategies for me so I could get through the rest of this semester with my health intact. But one story led to another, which led to another, which led to another... And I have not even shared all of them here. Well, damn, you step back and look at it all at once, it's a lot!! Just the look on her face told me I wasn't crazy.

And then she put words to it. Toxic. Abusive. Condescending. Demeaning. Defeating. And many, many more. She stayed professional the whole time but was still able to validate me without talking trash about my program or the professors. However, I am pretty sure she has a pretty good idea about the faults in that institution...

So I am happy/glad/thankful to have this valuable resource. I made another appointment for next week.

But even more than the validation, I appreciated her helping me come up with strategies for how I was going to cope. For one, the professors are not very nice. Two, we are studying pediatrics the entire semester. And three, as you all know, I am infertile and still grieving the loss of my children.

I love pediatrics. I love kids and working with children. And if I am going to go into this area of the field (which is still to be determined), there are many things that I am going to have to put up with/deal with/stomach. With kids, come parents. (And quite honestly, parents can be annoying.) And with kids comes the constant reminder that I didn't get to have mine. But I have worked hard at my recovery from infertility; I have faced my reality head on, and I have developed a healthy sense of separateness between what is my life and what is other people's lives (although that is a work in progress). The future is to be determined...

For now, I WILL get through this semester. I have a happy home. I have some friends and friendly faces at school. And now I have some new coping strategies.

So not only am I getting by, I am getting through. I strongly feel like the only way through your problems is straight through them. You can't avoid them. You can't go around them. (Well, you can... But I feel like that just prolongs the inevitable of dealing with them.) You have to go through them. And it is far from easy. And there is no time limit. It is not a race. You have to extend the utmost compassion and patience to yourself. You know, while you face one of your greatest nightmares while you are awake...

So I blogged very honestly this week. Well, I blog honestly every time I write. But this week, I was willing to show the ugly side. I was struggling. I am struggling. And that's okay. I mean, it sucks, but that's all a part of the process.

I know I will get through.

10 comments:

  1. Oh, this is so good to read. I'm so glad you found a counsellor who gets it.

    And the kids you work with will be less of a worry than their parents. (Sigh.) You know they're not the kids you wanted, they're not your kids. But you can make a difference in their lives, and that's really something to be proud of.

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    1. Finding a counselor who gets it is priceless!!!

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  2. Good for you. Glad you reached out and were validated. Feeling invisible is so defeating.

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    1. Thank you. Feeling invisible is so, so defeating. But getting validated, especially on the level that I did yesterday, felt freaking awesome!

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  3. Yes, absolutely! Validation from a "third person" other than your best friend or husband is important. So glad you found a good counselor.

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    1. That's the one good thing this school has going for them--that they offer free counseling to students. Counseling can be so cost-prohibitive! I told the counselor that, until my program cleaned house and hired all new faculty, she had job security. I also thanked her for listening to whomever came to her that was in the same program as me. I said, "Whatever they tell you, it's actually worse." I think she knows what's up. She seemed saddened and frustrated. But she was there for me and she is really good at what she does.

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  4. I am so glad that you got validation from your counselor that all the behavior you dealt with last week was NOT RIGHT. Wonderful! I second Mali's thoughts. I love working with kids (albeit a ton of 13 year old kids) but they aren't my kids like if I had had my own, but it is something fulfilling and important and I can dedicate a lot to it, which I would guess would be how you'd approach it, too. Many specialties out there, though -- I hope you survive this peds round without too much further trauma!

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    1. Thanks Jess. Yeah, talking to the counselor was really helpful. I really enjoy working with kids, but I am learning that I am interested in so many different areas of health care. I really do not know where I will end up. Hopefully, with the counselor's support and strategies, this semester won't be too bad. For example, today I contributed to discussion a couple of times and that was it. There was so much more I wanted to say, but, using the counselor's words, I am saving my energy for "a welcome venue."

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  5. Well, you KNOW that we, and your husband, are on your side. ;) But yeah, I've always found that getting an impartial third-party perspective -- someone totally outside the situation -- can be so helpful & validating. So glad you found someone good to talk to!

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    1. Yes, it feels so good to know that I can count on you all!! :)

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