Wednesday, February 7, 2018

Unwanted Shower Invitation

I haven't thought about infertility much in the last two weeks. That in itself is a small miracle, something I would have never thought possible a couple of years ago. I guess that's a plus side to being so busy you don't have time to think.

But I can share with you something that happened Saturday night. There I was--snuggled in my couch in some comfy clothes with a blanket while I watched a movie. I was warm. I was content. I was happy. My husband was out and I was enjoying a moment to myself where I didn't have to do or think about a single thing.

Then my phone starts going crazy. I'm getting message after message after message, and it really starts to interrupt my enjoyment of the movie. So I look at my phone and I'm confused for a minute. And then I immediately think, what in the hell?

My classmates use one of the many apps available to communicate amongst each other. It's helpful when asking each other questions, clarifying assignment directions, etc. A new group had been created. On a Saturday night. Called Surprise Baby Shower. And everyone was added to it (except for the pregnant classmate obviously because it's a surprise).

I immediately had a visceral reaction. My stomach churned and I felt feverish. I couldn't even really read the messages. Everything looked blurry and I felt a little dizzy. The first message said something about how they're planning a surprise baby shower for so and so on such and such date and could we all please give some money to buy her presents (for her THIRD child) and who all could bring what to eat. At least I think that's what it said. My reading comprehension capability was severely decreased due to my emotions.

Quite honestly, I was pissed. I did not ask to be a part of this party and I sure as hell did not want to be in this messaging group. Plus, they had interrupted my happy, cozy Saturday night.

How presumptuous to think that everyone in our class is emotionally invested in this girl's pregnancy or even interested in throwing her a surprise baby shower!

I left the group. Amidst the barrage of messages that were being hurled my way, I scrolled over to the screen that let me remove myself from the group and I noped out of there as fast as I could.

I know when you leave a group on that app everyone can see it. There would have been a message posted in the group: "Phoenix has left the group." (Well, obviously I'm not "Phoenix" with my classmates so it said my first and last name.) But I didn't care. I didn't want my Saturday night interrupted. I didn't want constant notifications about new messages. I didn't want to get on my phone and see "Surprise Baby Shower" in my list of groups. I. Did. Not. Want. To be. In. That. Group.

So I left.
And I didn't care that everyone could see that I left.
And I didn't care what people may have been thinking.
And I still don't.

I took a couple of deep breaths, texted my husband complaining about the situation, got some reassuring words from him, and went back to my movie, which I thoroughly enjoyed.

One funny thing came out of the situation. On Monday one of my favorite classmates asked if he could talk to me. "Sure," I said. I could tell he wanted to talk about or ask me something privately so we went down the hallway where there was no one. He asked me, "Did you leave that group that so and so created?" I said, "Yes." I think he was surprised that I left the group knowing it was public to everyone. He repeated, "Really?" And I said, "Yep. I didn't ask to be in that group. Get that shit off my phone." And he busted out laughing. He said he laughed so hard and so long when he saw that on Saturday night. He said that he thought to himself, "Well one thing is for sure. Phoenix isn't fake." And then he told me that he loved it and it was the funniest thing he had seen in a long time.

So, hey, I took care of myself and I made my friend laugh. Not bad for a situation I didn't ask for.

10 comments:

  1. dear Phoenix, I am so proud of you! I would have done the same.
    And you see... all people saw that you left and only one kind person was interested and brave enough to ask you something it.

    And I agree: Ithere is a plus side to being so busy you don't have time to think about infertility.

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    1. Thank you Klara! So much of my confidence in taking care of myself I learned from you. Before I started this blog I read your whole blog, and I received that message from you over and over. Other people do not understand this life--I have to take care of myself. So thank you for your comments but especially thank you for all of your help over the years. <3

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  2. What a great reaction! Sounds like he wanted to leave the group too.

    I'm glad that you took care of yourself. Making your friend laugh was just a bonus.

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    1. Thank you! When I am not concerned about what others may be thinking, I know I am growing stronger and more secure with my situation.

      I asked a friend the other day if anyone else had left the group and learned two people had! Two girls that are both 24. Who knows what their reasons were. Don't like baby showers? Don't have money to contribute after paying for tuition and books? Not a part of that social circle and just not interested? Who knows, who cares. It doesn't matter if I would've been the only person to leave the group, but I'll admit that it is nice that I'm not. :)

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  3. I'm sorry your super cozy Saturday night was intruded on, but you handled that AWESOMELY! I love what you said to your friend. I love that you left the group. Why on earth would they assume everyone in the class wanted to throw a surprise baby shower for a third baby, of someone that most of you probably don't know all that well? I thought it was called a "sprinkle" when it's not the first, and I've NEVER heard of doing a third baby sprinkle, let alone a full-blown stranger shower. Good for you for leaving and not giving a whit what anyone thought. Good for you for making your friend laugh. I'm glad you did what you needed to do, for you!

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    1. Thank you! It feels good to be understood. I thought the same thing: why do people think we all want to be a part of this baby shower? I will chalk it up to their age and naivete. For me, I felt pretty good about 1) my actions and 2) not caring how I "appeared" or what people "might think." Who freaking cares?? It always comes down to the fact that no one else is living my life except me.

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  4. First, I'm so sorry you had to see that! I'm so glad you removed from that situation and that you don't feel even a little bad about it!

    Second, a third baby? Seriously? That sounds like a gift grab to me!

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    1. Exactly. It's a baby shower for her third baby. I have never heard of such a thing. She is also getting special treatment from the school. She is allowed to finish the semester almost two months early. I am all for supporting pregnant women and parents, but the accommodations they are giving her are completely unfair. But I guess we all know that already: life isn't fair.

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  5. It's a pity that your cozy evening was interrupted, but I agree with what has been said above: well done! I do like that two others left the group, too.

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    1. Thank you Elaine. I try my best. I do what I can when I can to take care of myself.

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