I've been waiting for it to happen. It's been awhile so I knew something was coming soon. You know what I mean: hearing a comment that we are all used to. Well, I don't know if we ever get used to them. But we do get used to the idea that they're coming.
"I don't know why she gave up. If she wants to have a kid, she can. There are lots of kids waiting to be adopted."
That's what one of my friends chose to share with me. Her boyfriend said it. Immediately I said, "It's easy to say that when you haven't been in my situation." I was calm, but, honestly, I was so pissed off. Things are so easy to say when you've never had to deal with them yourself. This kid is 25 years old and doesn't even know what he's talking about. I told my friend not to to tell me things like that because it made me hate her boyfriend.
Like I said, it's been awhile since I've had a comment flung my way.
Damn. You want kids. You can't get pregnant. Well, you can always do IVF, right? Or just adopt!
Nothing I can write can convey the anger these thoughts cause me.
Because what the general population doesn't realize is I don't have unlimited resources. I don't have endless money to pursue treatments and adoption. I don't have endless energy. I don't have endless emotional reserves.
I tried until I almost died.
Quite honestly, I wanted to be dead. But what are you gonna do when your lungs are still breathing and your heart is still pumping?
So I've done the best I can. I didn't die and it was up to me to figure out how to live my life. And then someone comes along and says I shouldn't have given up. Who are they to say that? Who are they to judge me? They have no clue what I've been through. They have no clue what it is like to live my life.
So I educated my friend. I told her I tried everything. Without going into details, I told her I tried medical intervention. I tried adoption. I tried relaxing, being patient, and waiting for a fucking miracle. Guess what. Nothing worked. I never got pregnant. I never had a baby. I am not parenting, not in this lifetime.
And then some guy, some kid with no experience, comes along and inserts his opinion into my life?
My friend said she was so sorry for my situation, that she wished she could do something. I took advantage of the opportunity. I told her the way she could help was to educate people when they said incorrect, uninformed things. She could share what all she has learned from me. IVF doesn't always work. Adoption is no guarantee. Everything costs money, not to mention all of the other unquantifiable costs. She said she could and would do that. I hope she starts with her boyfriend.
It was just another reminder of how I live a life that the majority of people don't understand. I'm okay. I've had years of experience at this. This isn't my first month, my first year. It still hurts, stings, and makes me angry. But I find solace in the life that I am creating for myself. Even though I am playing the long game and this last year feels like it's gonna kill me, I know it won't. Nothing has killed me yet.
I am still here.
I am glad you are still here!
ReplyDeleteThere is a proverb in my language: "Kar te ne ubije, te okrepi." ... "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger."
I know, silly people having opinions on just about everything.
Hahaha, thank you!!
DeleteMe too, Klara. I am glad I am still here. Life is starting to get good again. I am looking forward to getting a job in my new profession and moving to a new city that my husband and I can have fun exploring together.
I am glad you are still here too. <3
I too am glad you're still here. And glad that you took the opportunity to educate your friend - and hopefully in turn, educate her boyfriend - in terms of the realities (resources needed, fallibility of IVF, adoption is decidedly not easy, nor is it guaranteed, etc), and in terms of what is painful to say. I'm just sorry you had to hear it first.
ReplyDeleteThank you Mali. It honestly sucked hearing her say that. All I could think was, if it was a year ago or two years ago or even further back, I would have fallen apart. As it was, I still had nightmares that night about trying to become a mother. I just get so frustrated with other people's nonchalance coupled with harsh judgment when it comes to infertility. I may never understand why my infertility brings out such strong opinions from other people.
DeleteI'm glad you are here, too! It's unbelievable to me how people don't realize that sometimes they should just keep their opinions to themselves. How someone could look at anyone's journey and pontificate on how they'd do it differently if is beyond me. You don't know until you're there, making those decisions, facing the hell that is infertility. I hope your friend shares the education with her boyfriend and anyone else who might say something real dumb. I love that, "I don't have unlimited resources." And that it can mean money, or emotional wherewithal, or physical stamina to keep riding that merry go round, knowing that NOTHING has guarantees. I love that you took advantage of the situation and offered an action plan to the often platitude-y "I wish there was something I can do."
ReplyDeleteHahaha, thank you Jess! I didn't even realize what a platitude "I wish there was something I could do" really is. I was just so mad in the moment. There I was, trusting her with this conversation topic, and she shared the shitty thing her boyfriend said about me. I wanted to scream. Have you not been listening?? I finally ended the conversation by saying, "Not everyone who wants to parent gets to." It was honestly draining. I won't be engaging in that topic with anyone from the fertile world again for awhile.
DeleteUgh, I am so sorry that you got hit with that. Bad enough that the guy said it, but did his girlfriend have to share it with you? I think you handled the situation beautifully, and I especially loved your response when she said she wished she could do something (must file that one away for future reference...!).
ReplyDeleteThank you Loribeth. This is a friend from school and she is very young. I don't know why she relayed what her boyfriend said about me, but I chalk it up to immaturity and not knowing any better. Yeah, my response to "I wish I could do something" just came to me in the moment. I was pretty satisfied with it too, so at least there's that!
DeleteI'm glad you explained and took the opportunity to educate; I think it's the best we can do - I hope she passed it on to the boyfriend. You're right about it being draining, which is why we sometimes just don't bother. It's exhausting. I had a friend (with 3 kids) who said to me after I'd told her about my endo etc, "Just do ivf!". It was said very brightly and without malice but I just thought, f-off you cretin. I'm 38 with stage 4 endo and a zero AMH. You know nothing. Unfortunately it's simple lack of knowledge. I have other very intelligent friends who think the success rate of ivf is 90%. It's just an area that no one reads about until they have to. As for adoption .... don't get me started....
ReplyDeleteExactly!!! Throughout the conversation my friend kept saying "I had no idea," to which I said, "Why would you?" This isn't common knowledge and it's certainly not what is conveyed in the media. I also told her that everyone *thinks* they know what they would do in my situation, but no one really knows what they would do until they're in it. There's just so much misinformation out there. Even a year ago I couldn't have advocated for the infertile population. But now I will do it every now and then, when I feel like it.
DeleteWhen I say that the best possible scenario 'pass rate' for ivf is usually MAXIMUM 28%, and my chances were 5%. I always get a very sceptical look as if I'm inventing the most far-fetched rubbish....
ReplyDeleteOk, so it's not just me that people don't believe? Wow, the fertility industry really has everyone fooled.
DeleteAmen. Biting my tongue and taking a deep breathe to educate the ignorant one is something I've been focusing on doing (then going home and talking about the C U Next Tuesdays that said such ignorant shit to me) as the more I can get folks to realize the truth, the less they'll be likely to repeat that crap to others like us. Everyone told me - including my doctor - that the rates for donor egg IVF were 50% for one embryo and 80% for two. Turns out they conveniently forgot to include "GREATER" to those stats, meaning, your odds with a donor egg are 50-80% GREATER. So if you did DEIVF at 41 like I did, and your eggs were shit so you had a 1% chance of conceiving naturally, a donor is only going to increase your odds to (doing the math of 1 x 1.8, a toughie!), under 2%. Once I learned that I realized that my 6 rounds were a massive waste of time and my one miscarriage from round 4 was truly the miracle, the miracle that the embryo even dared to implant. The anger towards the clinics who blatantly lie about success rates and take the money of forty-something women is something I've tried to breathe through, but never goes away, so all I can do is try to educate the ignorant to help others who come after us.
ReplyDeleteIt's never our duty to educate others, but it is a service we can provide if we are feeling up for it in the moment. But honestly, we should always take care of ourselves first. Please never feel like you *have* to explain it all to the ignorant masses. <3
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