Thursday, March 15, 2018

Sick of Nightmares

I am so chatty (bloggy?) this week. I guess I'm just encountering a lot of material...

Last night I had a vivid dream. Nightmare. Is there a word for something in between a dream and a nightmare? Oh, that might be a good title for a novel or an album: In Between a Dream and a Nightmare. That's actually kind of how I feel right now. I am in between my new life that I am creating (a dream) and the living hell that was infertility while trying to conceive (my nightmare). Anyway, I digress...

So last night I had a very vivid dream/nightmare. I was a mother. Apparently I had adopted a baby named Olivia. I'm not sure where that name came from because it was never on my baby name list, but it's a very nice name nonetheless. She was cute and tiny and babbled a lot. She had bright eyes and a big smile. She loved me and I loved her. I held her in my arms and she fell asleep on my chest. She even had a dirty diaper that I was not quite sure how to change but I managed. It was all very, very real.

And then I woke up.
Empty arms, quiet house, and a bit depressed.

Why do these nightmares keep happening?? I haven't had one in a long time. Last night seemed to be out of the blue. I know I am not going to be a parent. I have resolved my infertility without children. I am moving forward and working hard to create a life that I want to live. In this moment it feels like I have made no emotional progress.

I try not to think about having children, as that is not a healthy line of thinking for myself. I tried. It didn't happen. I had to stop letting this single-minded effort consume me. I HAD to move on if I didn't want to lose everything else along with my children: my marriage, my sanity, and myself.

So it would be really nice if I never had another one of these dreams/nightmares again.


  1. I know. I also had some vivid dreams about being a mother. They were always so vivid and so real.
    I know how empty you feel when you wake up and realize it was only a dream.
    sending you a big hug from sLOVEnia.

    PS: I love when you are chatty :)

    1. Soo real! It's weird how a dream/nightmare can elicit such strong emotions.

      Thank you for the hug from across the ocean! I'm glad you don't mind when I am chatty. :)

  2. I'm so sorry you had this nightmare, but I guess the fact that you hadn't had one in a long time is good. And it will probably be a long time before you have another, if ever. (I can't remember the last one I had.)

    But I agree how frustrating it is to make the conscious decision not to think about having children because it isn't helpful (which is exactly the decision I made too), and then have the subconscious stab you in the back with it.

    1. That's what I was thinking--that maybe now it will be a long time before I have another dream like that again, if ever. That's what I'm hoping anyway! Because yes, it is so frustrating. Thanks a lot, subconscious!! Hahaha

  3. I'm so sorry...I can feel for you that emptiness upon waking up and being like, "Oh. That's right. That can only ever be a dream." Strangely I had a dream that we adopted a little baby boy a week or so ago, and Bryce was real excited about it and I was like, "But we don't have a nursery anymore! I don't want to give up my office!" and I woke up feeling guilty and like my priorities are all effed. Except they're not, because we made those decisions and they are final and I love my office. But it was a rattling dream for sure. Sending you hugs, and hoping that another dream like that eludes you! Grrr, subconsciousness.

    1. Our subconscious can be weird and can go so off course without our permission! Yes, dreams like that really bother me. And they tend to stay with me for a while. This one didn't linger as long, but still... I prefer to not have those kinds of dreams/nightmares.

      P.S. I love your office too!! <3

  4. Hi Phoenix, my English isn't so good, coming from Germany, but I try. I'm sorry that you had to have such feelings, when you waked up after this dream and I can really understand, because I feel the same, I think, sometimes. Your post remembered me of something a friend of mine told me, who is a psychoanalyst. I don't know, if you can do something with... She told me, that in an dream often the people occurring can be seen as parts of one yourself. So maybe the child in your dream could be not only the one you're missing so badly in your life, but also maybe someone like your inner child...? So maybe you also cared about yourself in this dream...? And if so, maybe this means also something good...? But I really am not sure, if this thoughts are something that helps... so if you think, it's nonsense, please forget it soon :-) Anyway sending you all the best over the ocean!

    1. Thank you for your comment Anna! :)

      I like the idea that baby Olivia was like my inner child and that interpreting the dream this way means I am caring for myself. That is a very nice thought. After so many hard years, I *am* taking good care of myself.

      And soon, when I am back in the workforce, I will be taking good care of others. I like that. Thank you again. <3