Last Friday I celebrated my 3rd Survivor Anniversary. On my 1st Survivor Anniversary I'm pretty sure I spent the day in bed crying. I honestly don't remember, but I'm pretty sure it was spent doing something like that. Then I wrote about my 2nd anniversary last year. And now I've lived through my 3rd anniversary. But let's take it back to three years ago...
On March 23, 2015 the nurse called to tell me that my latest round of IVF did not result in pregnancy. I was so exhausted and so depleted that I didn't even have any tears left to cry. I sat there numb and knew it was over. I could not go on "living" like I was. I put "living" in quotation marks because I wasn't really living. I was alive. My heart was pumping and I was breathing, but... That's about it. Like I've written before, I was walking death. A shell of my former self. I looked back at the last three years of my life and all of the time, money, and emotions I had put into everything, and I felt like I had nothing to show for it. All I could think was I wanted my life to be entirely different three years later from that point. And I knew it was going to be by far the hardest thing that I had ever done.
I always wondered what my life would look like on March 23, 2018. And then the day came.
I was 1500 miles away from home, on a school-related adventure by myself, studying for a whole week under my mentor. It was an awesome opportunity and an incredible experience.
But more than that, it was a miracle.
Not only was I alive, I was LIVING. And not only was I living, but I was HAPPY. Three years ago, I didn't think that would ever be possible again. I figured I would figure something out and go on about my life, but I was not expecting to ever feel truly happy again. I just wanted to do something different with my life so I didn't feel like such a waste of space.
But I worked my ass off (and am still doing so), and here I am!
Like I wrote last year:
I am a survivor.
I am free.
I am very glad to read this. Congratulations on LIVING and being HAPPY! It's nothing we take for granted anymore, is it? Getting there was anything but easy. Yet we made it :-). Easter greetings from a fellow three-year survivor in Switzerland!
ReplyDeleteCongratulations to you Elaine, my fellow survivor!! Nope, we will definitely never take LIVING and being happy again for granted. :)
DeleteOh, CONGRATULATIONS! It is amazing to reclaim life, to truly live it and experience happiness and no longer be a shell. I feel for the you three years ago, making the hardest decision, and I am so happy for the you now who knows that life goes on and it gets better, so much better. Hooray! And I love the term "Survivor Anniversary." So appropriate. Here's to freedom!
ReplyDeleteCongratulations to you Jess, my fellow survivor!! The me of three years ago didn't really have to make a difficult decision. Something deep down inside of me knew I couldn't go on with trying to conceive anymore; there was no decision to be made, just a reality to face. Thank you for being happy for me. I am happy for you. Onward with freedom :)
DeleteI wrote my comment on your following post saying you should be proud of yourself for surviving, and then came and read this. It made me smile! Yay, you!
ReplyDeleteThank you Mali! I have written "Thank you Mali" so much already and I anticipate writing it so much more. Congratulations to you, my fellow survivor!! I'm glad I made you smile. :)
Delete"Survivor Anniversary" -- I like that. :) And it sounds like an awesome way to spend your day!! I cannot (offhand) recall the date of my last BFN, but I have always thought of July 18, 2001, as the date I began my journey of acceptance -- it's the day I made my first post on the childless living message board I'd been lurking on for a while. The board is no longer there, but I am still in touch with some of the wonderful women I met there today.
ReplyDeleteMaking that first post, writing that first comment, after lurking for so many years... I remember that! I just really wanted to connect with you all that were already blogging. And I am so glad I did. So thank you!! And congratulations to you too!! We are survivors. :)
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