Sunday, April 1, 2018

A Different Kind of Waiting

I feel like my brain is shutting down. I guess this is common when you start to near the end of something. I definitely felt this way at the end of infertility, and now I am feeling it again as there is less of the semester left than what I've already been through.

Thank you, by the way, for all of your support this semester. It has not been easy and I have complained a lot, but I always felt heard and understood by everyone's comments. A crappy program along with insensitive professors while studying pediatrics has been quite the combo.

Now I am waiting. Well, I am working too. But mostly waiting. Ok, and working. While waiting.

It is not the existential kind of waiting though. It's more of a "Thank God, this is almost over, I am so proud of myself, and I am so tired" kind of waiting. There was nothing thankful about waiting during infertility. There was no end in sight and I wasn't proud of myself. However, I was tired. So I guess that's a similarity haha.

So I will continue working and waiting for just a couple of more months and then it will all change. Again. But this change will be positive. All of the changes I have experienced over the last several years keep getting better and better.

I know change is coming and that knowledge is also different from infertility. While trying to get pregnant, I hoped for change, but I never knew if it was coming. And it didn't. Change never came. Not with regard to trying to get pregnant.

I apologize if this post is a little rambly and/or directionless. Like I said, I feel like my brain is shutting down. I don't feel like I am operating at 100% capacity, but that's okay. Unlike being in the throes of infertility, my brain may be slowing down, but my spirit is strong.


  1. Ah, waiting... I feel like something infertility gave me was a complete panic when it comes to uncertainty. I hate being in a limbo-y space. I am glad that this kind of waiting has an end, and you are nearly one semester closer to your dream! May this semester end without further torture and horror. It's been a rough one for you. But I'm glad to see that your spirit is still strong!

    1. I hate hate hate "being in a limbo-y space." Thanks, infertility!!

      Yes, I'm glad this torturous semester has an end. And it is coming soon. Just not soon enough! Hahaha

  2. I'm glad you're proud of yourself this semester - it's been tough, but you're going to win in the end. I'm sorry though that you weren't proud at the end of infertility. I hope you can look back at everything you went through, and feel pride in yourself, in surviving such a difficult journey. You deserve to give yourself that - even belatedly. (Though if I'm honest, I think in infertility terms, we'll only ever give it to ourselves belatedly.)

    1. I was proud of myself after infertility (and I saw your comment on my previous post). I felt proud for being able to completely switch gears after all the loss and trauma. I just didn't have the energy to be proud because I needed it for everything else (the move, going back to school, planning a new future). But it was there, from myself, in a small little corner in the back of my broken heart. <3