I had yet another experience that reminded me of infertility. Sooo many things remind me of infertility. I wonder if it will always be this way. Maybe, maybe not. I am more at peace now. Less raw from devastation, less angry, less bitter. But I wonder if I will ever not compare people's regular experiences to my experience with infertility. I don't really care either way; I just wonder.
We had a major assignment due last week. Some people had the class on Monday, some on Wednesday, and some on Thursday. There was an important lecture related to the assignment that some people wouldn't have until after the assignment was due. Realizing this, the professor granted an extension for the people in Thursday's class. People in Monday's and Wednesday's class complained that it wasn't fair.
Fair? Who said life was fair? (And besides, if one is arguing "fairness," wouldn't it be unfair to require students to turn in a major assignment without having the related lecture first?)
"That's not fair" is a statement that has been forever changed for me because of infertility.
An extended deadline for a group of students seems like such an extremely small thing to get upset about. I complained to my friend sitting next to me. I said, "Life isn't fair. Why are they complaining? Earlier in the semester, the Thursday class had to take a test that covered material they hadn't yet received. Was that fair? No. And so now the Thursday class is allowed to turn in their assignment after they receive the related lecture. That actually does seem fair. But what does it matter? Who said life was fair? Besides, I'm sure they'll all be able to have children. Talk about unfair..."
This is a friend I've been able to make comments to about infertility in the past, but I think I reached this friend's limit that day. The friend just looked at me and said, "You can tie that into anything, can't you?"
I was a little surprised by the comment and I felt a little judged, like it was okay for me to be upset about the hand I was dealt--as long as I wasn't *too* upset. I paused. And then I said, "Yes. It's a pretty pervasive and primal thing. The world revolves around people who have children and to not have them when you wanted them so badly is a major loss, so, yes, I suppose I can tie infertility into almost anything." And then I made a mental note that my friend had reached their limit and to not overwhelm them with my reality anymore. I will still think my thoughts but I won't share with that person anymore. I'll just journal or blog or tell my husband later when we're both home.
So I'm curious about your opinion. Can I tie infertility into almost anything? Is it appropriate or inappropriate to do so? Am I "not getting over it" or will the fertile world just never understand?
I definetely can tie infertility into almost anything.
ReplyDeleteI have a coworker who is constantly complaining about how hard work it is helping her two kids with homeworks. (A note: one of her kids recently recovered from cancer so I would be assuming that she is more than grateful to be able to do homeworks with two kids).
One day, when I was fed up listening to her complaining I just said: "I would give anything to be able to help my children with homework."
It felt good saying it loud. So yes, I also can tie my infertility/childlessness with almost anything.
I know that most of people that I know think I am a bit weird / know nothing about the kids / know nothing about life.
That's why appreciate this wonderful bloggie community so much. Because here I feel understood and appreciated.
sending you lots of love from sunny sLOVEnia,
Klara
Thank you for your comment Klara. I often feel like an outsider in this world. It would get on my nerves to hear a coworker continually complain about the difficulties in helping her children with homework. Parents are totally allowed to complain. I just wish they wouldn't do it around me.
DeleteHaving this community and feeling understood and appreciated for the past year and a half has been a lifesaver for me. Thank you. Sending you lots of love too! :)
I think that, in coming to terms with infertility and childlessness, we come to an acceptance that the world isn't fair. And so, of course we can tie it into anything. I think it is natural for you to do so at this stage of healing.
ReplyDeleteEventually, you won't see infertility in everything. The lessons learned, such as the world is unfair, stay with us but that oh so present painful link to infertility goes.
Of course, the odds are that there are people in that group who won't be able to have children.
It's reassuring to hear from you that it is natural for me at this stage to tie infertility into almost anything. I try not to judge myself, but it can be so hard sometimes. And I thought I was safe with that friend, but their comment and their facial expression that came with it (annoyance? disgust?) really bothered me.
DeleteIt also makes sense that I will absorb the overall idea that the world isn't fair and, as the years go on, that I won't think of infertility as the first thing every time. I used to think of infertility every hour of every day and that has definitely decreased over time.
And I thought of that too--that the odds are that there are people in my class who won't be able to have children. And that thought made me sad. Because I know how hard that is. And how trying to conceive and trying to come back to life after infertility is so so freaking hard.
Thank you for your comment Mali. It really helps to hear different people's perspectives, especially when we are all at different stages of recovery.
Dear Phoenix, yes, I could tie infertility into everything as well. Not so much anymore, but I certainly did for a few years. There is nothing wrong with you. I like the answer that you gave to your friend but am sorry that she reached her limit. Sending you sunbeams across the Atlantic
ReplyDeleteThank you Elaine! How powerful that sentence can be when told to someone: "There is nothing wrong with you." Thank you very much!!!
DeleteI am the same way. Infertility makes us look at the world in a totally different way. We are bitter and grateful about things not many can understand. I like to think it makes us special <3 Send me an email, I'd love to chat with you. lindsaymader1@gmail.com
ReplyDeleteYes! I think that's it: "infertility makes us look at the world in a totally different way." And I agree, it *does* makes us special. We have a very unique perspective. :) Thank you Lindsay.
DeleteHi Phoenix, there is nothing wrong with what you said, it's what we've all thought or wanted to say out loud at one time or other. Like Elaine, this affected me badly for a few years; it's not as bad now but it still hovers in the back of my head. The other day I was talking to a friend who's a mother of two about a course we're both doing. She constantly, constantly goes on about how hard it is to get the work done with two children around. Now, the older one is at school already and this woman hasn't worked AT ALL since before the older one was born. Whenever I say it's hard for me to study around my job, I get a raised eyebrow. I was so bloody sick of this the other day that those old thoughts came back ("At least you f*cking managed to have those kids, stop f*cking moaning about the freaking privileged position you're in as a stay-at-home mom"). I also read a thing yesterday about a woman who is grieving because she is struggling to conceive her third child and I thought "go **** yourself". I'm uncharitable and horrible, yes. So yeah, even though I consider myself OK now, I still have times where I want to say something out loud. I also think you are very self-aware and empathetic in that you noted that this person has reached their 'limit' with this topic - sadly this is something I've had to observe and accept with everyone I am/was close to, including my sister and my best friends. They've reached their limit, and it's not something I'm 'allowed' to complain about: their real life problems with their actual real life kids surpassed and usurped my childlessness a long time ago. Little pieces of grief arose from that but I've come to a place where I understand that it's only our community that will ever offer any support or empathy around this topic, and I'k ok with that most of the time.
ReplyDeleteThank you Shores! It's always good to hear from you. :) I can relate to you about your friend complaining. When I started my school program last year and was surprised by how hard it was but even more disappointed about how demoralizing it was, I was complaining on the phone to one of my sisters. She actually said to me, something along the lines of, "It's not that hard, Phoenix. I went to graduate school and I was raising a kid at the same time! Now that's hard." To say she hit a nerve was an understatement. She can be so mean and insensitive. I don't know if our relationship will ever be what it was before infertility.
DeleteAnd yes, I do think people reach their limit on the topic. And to give credit to my friend, they lasted longer than most do. I just don't understand why I reach a point with seemingly everyone where I can't talk about it or reference it anymore. I mean, this is my LIFE. I didn't cause it and I can't change it, and I'm certainly not going to censor myself for OTHER people's comfort. However, I don't like talking about it when I sense other people are over it, so in a way I censor myself because I don't say anything about infertility when I know I'm not in a welcoming environment. Needless to say, I am thankful every day for our community.
P.S. I don't think you're uncharitable or horrible. I think quite the opposite in fact! <3
Yup, you can your infertility into everything. I have a hard time not hearing things through an infertile, childless lens, and I'm sure I get eye rolls from people. But there are people who get it and those whose empathy runs out. I feel like your class friend could have had a bit more empathy with you, but this happened with us, to and I called it "empathy fatigue." It sucks though, because do you think people who talk about their children or sleepless nights have people who say, "ugh, I am so tired of hearing that from you?" Makes me a bit twitchy that some topics are okay to go on exhaustively about, but not infertility. I don't think it's bitterness, it's perspective, like Lindsay said. You're lens is simply different now. Maybe when it's not so fresh it won't be as pervasive, but I have a hard time believing that I won't always catch these things through the eyes of infertility. Sending you love and you finish out this hellish semester!
ReplyDeleteThank you Jess. Yes, I agree with you, my perspective is forever changed. I think you hit the nail on the head, with both "empathy fatigue" and my "infertile, childless lens." You are so good with words! Thank you!!
DeleteAnd yes, I agree with you again, this has been one hellish semester! I am really glad I did not know what was coming or I might have quit. But now it's almost over. And then I am outta here! Wheeeee! :)
Well, for me, it's been 20 years -- & I still think about my daughter, loss, infertility & childlessness in some way, every single day. I don't think I DWELL on it, much -- certainly not AS much as I used to -- more often than not, it's just a passing thought or memory. But I don't think there's any way you can go through a traumatic experience like this and not have it leave a lasting impact. I can tie infertility into just about anything too. ;) I don't think it's appropriate or inappropriate; it just is. It's probably not something that would be understood by people who haven't been through it, though. Which is why it's so great to have bloggers & others you can vent to who DO understand. ;) (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your perspective Loribeth. Traumatic experiences do leave a lasting impact. I don't know why I felt the need to put a judgment on it (appropriate v. inappropriate). I agree with you: "it just is." Thank you for always understanding. <3
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