Thursday, May 31, 2018

Infertility, Moving, and Bickering with My Husband

Well, that move was terrible!!! Lol. I think it will be like my classes at school: awful going through it but worth it in the end. Actually, I know the move was worth it because it has not even been a week and I am already happier living here. The weather is better and there is so much to do. I am excited. Once we finish paying off all of our moving expenses, I look forward to exploring what all this new place has to offer.

One of the things I hate more than anything, and I mean haaaate, is fighting with my husband. We do it so rarely, but we are both human and so sometimes we miscommunicate and/or get on each other's nerves. We were doing so well for awhile, but we really started bickering toward the end of the moving process. If you ask me, I was a lot more patient than him! I could not understand why this normally go-with-the-flow guy was so cranky and short-tempered.

(Don't worry. The bickering peaked over the weekend, and order has already been restored. Like I said, hey, we're human. Plus, it didn't help that the movers lost our most expensive item, something that was very important to my husband. I think that was, as they say, the straw that broke the camel's back. Now he has let it go and I am the one that's stressed about it. We are going through the claims process and his attitude now is if we get anything for it, that's better than nothing.)

After having all of our boxes and furniture moved into our apartment (minus the aforementioned expensive item that was lost), we ran to the store to buy some household things like a trash can and toilet paper. We passed by all of the Father's Day cards and I asked him, "Does that make you sad?" He said no and I said, "Really? Seeing Mother's Day cards makes me sad." And then we went on about our shopping.

Later, in the car, I asked him why he thought seeing those kinds of cards doesn't bother him when they still make me sad. He said, "I think you had a lifelong dream of how you're life was going to go, and I was just going to see what happened."

Oh! That's it.

I really could not figure out how we got through years of infertility with only two arguments that I can remember, but this move was so much more stressful. I think during infertility my husband was focused on supporting me. Having children was important to him, but it wasn't The Most Important Thing to him like it was for me. For this move, we kind of switched roles. Yes, I started the whole process by informing him we were moving haha, but I think he put more time and energy into arranging all of the logistics whereas I was more go-with-the-flow (partly because he was taking care of so much stuff). Suddenly, the stress of moving, our bickering, and everything made a lot more sense.

Thank goodness things are already back to normal. Well, I'm still surrounded by boxes, but I mean things between him and me are back to normal.

As for me, I think I have thought more about my children in the last week than I have in the last several months. Maybe because school took so much of my energy and now I have a little time to myself to think? I am glad I didn't move in order to escape my problems, because wherever you go there you are. I miss my kids so much, and I think I am thinking about them more right now because I know I would not be living here had they been conceived and born.

I told my husband, "I actually think life is going to be a whole lot better here, but that doesn't mean I don't miss my kids every day." He knows how I feel.

And then yesterday I woke up, first, thinking of my children, and then second, thinking of this sentence that just came to me, which I made into the following image.


  1. I just love love your today's post!

    And I love your husband's quote:
    "I think you had a lifelong dream of how you're life was going to go, and I was just going to see what happened."
    This exact sentence could be said by my husband as well.

    I am glad you are already feeling happier in your new home.



    1. Oh good, I'm glad this post resonated with you. I had several different thoughts I wanted to write about so that was my attempt at connecting them all together.

      Yes, I really am already feeling much happier. Those last several months in our rental house combined with that horrible semester of school were very hard for me. The house was old and had a lot of problems. We only moved there because it was close to school and had a yard for our dog. Ever since our sweet beloved dog died, I just wanted to get out of that house! (Much like I wanted to move out of and sell the house we bought for our children, there was no point in living in that old rental anymore.) It's funny: our new apartment is half the size of our rental home (which was half the size of the home we bought), but so far it feels the best! I love the floor plan and the nice appliances and the bathroom is a little bigger too. We are within walking distance of a ton of places so we will have plenty to explore during the one-year lease we signed. Who knows, we might even stay a second year...

      And yes, I think what my husband said really illustrates the difference between the male and female experiences with infertility. I know some men have always dreamt about being a father, but my husband wasn't one of those. He assumed he would be a father and he wanted to be a father, but he was okay with not being a father. What he wasn't okay with was seeing his wife fall apart before his eyes and becoming a ghost of herself. But instead of getting frustrated that he couldn't fix the problem (a typical male response), he just walked with me (sometimes in front of me, sometimes beside me, sometimes behind me to help push me along) as I found my own way to acceptance.

      Long response! Lol. But you know how talkative I can get... :) I've been so busy with the move, I'm just glad to be back in the blogosphere. Hugs to you Klara. <3

  2. Yes, that's the quote to live by.

    And I think you are honouring the children you didn't have, as well as the difficulties you and your husband have being through, by living your life well. I hope that one day you can think about them filled with the love you would have given them, rather than with sadness. I think you'll get there.

    1. Thank you Mali! That is a really cool thought, that I am honoring my children by living my life well.

      I don't know if it sounds weird or not (and I suppose who cares if it does sound weird), but I have thanked my children out loud several times since I have moved here. In my mind, there are two of them and I have names for them too. Throughout my time in classes at school I would tell them that I was working hard and that I was going to make them proud. Now that I have moved I have told them thank you for being in my heart and giving me strength. I love my children so much. <3 <3 <3

  3. Moving is stressful! My guess is that most couples argue at some point during that, probably just from exhaustion ;-).

    I love that "it has not even been a week and I am already happier living here"! Wonderful. And the quote is just perfect.

    1. The funny thing is, just a couple weeks before that I told him, "Wow. We haven't fought yet!" And he said, "What do you mean?" And I said, "Moving is so stressful. Fighting is almost inevitable. Don't worry, it's probably coming. We're going to get on each other's nerves." Hahaha

      I am happier living here. It was definitely time for a change. I don't know anyone and my first clinical rotation hasn't started yet, but that gives me time to get unpacked and organized. Meeting people and exploring the city will come in time.

  4. Moving is STRESSFUL. (Which is why I hadn't done it in 26 years, and why I don't plan to do it again for at least another 26, lol.) But I am so glad you are settling in & feeling happier already! Enjoy!! -- you have earned this! :)

    1. Seriously!! I hope we like it here and I hope they don't raise our rent too much next year so we can stay. The next time we move I want it to be semi-permanent, somewhere we want and plan to live for many years.

      And thank you! You know I worked my butt off to get this far. You couldn't pay me to go through those last three (or seven and a half) years again!!