Thursday, January 17, 2019

Tough Anniversaries

It happened again.

My mind forgot, but my body remembered. I felt emotional all day yesterday, not really knowing why. I felt foggy, lethargic, and disenchanted. I felt like crying but tears never came. The tears came this morning. In the shower. And all of a sudden. It was relieving but it also kind of sucked.

Four years and several days ago my first IVF did not result in pregnancy. I haven't thought about that day in awhile, and, quite honestly, I don't really feel like thinking about it now. But I know I was devastated. I remember hanging up the phone, collapsing to my knees on the floor, and letting out a gutteral howl as my dog came running to check on me. Even she knew it was extremely bad and nothing could be done as she lay down on the floor, not moving a muscle while keeping her eyes on me.

And now around this time every year, I feel all out of sorts and have a seemingly random emotional breakdown. It seems random until my mind remembers what my body has yet to (will ever?) forget.

I'm scrapping my plans for the day. Everyone and everything can wait. Today I think I'll indulge in doing whatever I freaking feel like doing. I'm going to feel my feelings and think my thoughts, while simultaneously giving myself a break from them both. Today I'm going to enjoy the life that I've worked so hard to create. All the stuff and things can wait until tomorrow.


  1. I am so sorry you were hit by this. And I am glad you are taking some time to look after yourself for today.

    I do think we remember things subconsciously too - we're constantly surrounded with reminders ... the time of year, the clothes we might have been wearing, the weather, the trees and birds, etc etc. It's not surprising we get hit by these emotions sometimes.

    Sending love and hugs.

  2. I know. It happened also to me. When I thought I was healed... something happened that reminded me that I was actually not.

  3. Dear Phoenix, I'm very sorry to read that. It always strikes me how the body speaks to us and keeps memory of things we are not consciously aware of.
    Please do take good care of yourself :)

  4. Sending you such love... I'm sorry you had a sneak attack grief storm. I also believe that your subconscious remembers tough things for you. It is so wise of you to put things on hold and honor those feelings, take care of yourself, and then continue on. I feel like these moments can happen at anytime and they can make us feel like progress is not happening, but having the wisdom to know how to take care of yourself when grief strikes unexpectedly shows strength and progress.

  5. I cannot thank all of you enough. <3 Feeling understood is priceless!!

  6. I absolutely believe our bodies/subconscious have long memories of these things, and I'm sorry you were blindsided. I'm glad you decided to take it easy. I do think that, in time, these sneak attacks will lessen in both frequency and intensity. (((hugs)))