Friday, January 4, 2019

A Year To Come Alive

I have never anticipated a year like I anticipated 2019.

I worked my ass off to get where I am today. My life was blood, sweat, tears, and years of trauma and debilitating depression, followed by years of hard work doing dumb shit that I didn't want to do (aka going back to school). And now here I am: 2019, living where I always dreamed of living, and getting ready to start a new career that I am very passionate about. Thank God.

You could not pay me a billion dollars to relive the last 8 years of my life. But I also wouldn't change any of it. Yeah I know, it doesn't make much sense. So much pain--physical, emotional, and existential. So much trauma. Every relationship changed. My lifelong dream of being a mother never realized.

And yet here I am. Happy.
Probably happier than I've ever been.

I can't totally unpack it all just yet...
But I'll take it.

Today I am content about the present and excited about the future, two things I thought would never be possible again.

Today I feel alive, something I will never ever take for granted.

It's a new year. It's 2019. Here we are. It's time to live again.

8 comments:

  1. Lovely to read you again!
    I wish you a very happy & healthy 2019! (in my country, we always wish for happiness and health: Srečno & zdravo!)

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    1. Thank you Klara! I have missed you!! But now that I am graduated, I am one step closer to getting a job... Which means I can start saving soon for an eventual trip to see you in beautiful Slovenia! :)

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  2. Happy New Year to you, Phoenix!
    It is lovely to read from you again. You do sound positive, which is wonderful :-).

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    1. Thank you Elaine! I am very glad to be back and I am eager to get caught up on all of my blog reading!! :)

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  3. Dear Phoenix, how nice to read your post full of hope! I'm glad you start the new year in this mindset.
    I totally agree with you: I wouldn't like to go through my infertility years either. But I am also thankful of what infertility has made of me and of my life, and would not change it if I had the choice.
    I wish you all the best for 2019! xoxo

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    1. Hello Lea, like I just commented to Elaine, I am so glad to be back! I need this space and everyone in it. <3

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  4. Happy happy New Year to you! I am so excited to hear about your new beginnings, and to see where 2019 takes you. It is lovely to emerge from the suck of the last 8 years and feel happy, and excited, and looking forward to all that's to come. I am so excited FOR you!

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    1. Hi Jess!! I've been away from blogging for several months... Not only am I excited about life again, I am also excited about getting caught up on what everyone else has written! :)

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