I was trying to find an important document this summer. I looked where it was supposed to be and then I looked everywhere else. I couldn't find it, made a mental note, and went on with life.
Several months later I looked again. I checked my files and my important papers and my unsorted junk mail and the piles of miscellaneous stuff I'd kept. I still couldn't find it.
Last week came the time when I actually needed that document. I sighed and told myself I'd look again. I started with the file folder where it was supposed to be, the file folder where I had already looked multiple times before.
And there it was. Clear as day. Right in front of my face.
And my first thought was "Dammmn, grief really affects cognition."
(I know I had looked in that folder before. I know for sure. At least I thought I had... Ha! What I do know for sure is that I looked for this document multiple times and didn't find it when it was actually filed away where it was supposed to be the entire time.)
My brain is finally starting to calm down. The grieving process demands a lot. After years of heightened vigilance that comes with trauma and then years of hard work as I changed nearly everything to create a life for myself that I think I'll enjoy, be successful at, and be of service to others, I finally have some breathing space. And not only am I taking this breathing space, I am fiercely defending it. I am mindful of the commitments I am making and how I am spending my time, money, and energy. It's easy to think I'm fine now, that I am at The End. That I made it. I mean, I moved and graduated and changed careers and surely I'm over the whole infertility thing by now. But I'm not. It's a part of me and it always will be.
I am thankful that my current stage of recovery includes my brain calming down and I'm thankful that my current period of life allows me some breathing space. Going through infertility and grieving the loss of motherhood exhausted me. Experiencing it and then recovering from it took everything I had, every single bit of energy I could muster.
Eight months ago I couldn't find an important document. Last week it was right where it was supposed to be. With the passing of time and the conscious permission to myself to think my thoughts and feel my feelings, healing has come. And with healing comes clarity and peace of mind. And then simple tasks, like locating a document, become simple again.
Dear Phoenix,
ReplyDeleteThank you for writing on this topic! Yes, grief certainly affects our brain. Even now that I feel fine most of the time, my brain can become foggy again when I have an unexpected "griefy" day. It is comforting to read that I am not the only one experiencing this ♡.
Wishing you a lovely week,
Elaine
There are sooo many aspects of grief that are never discussed! It's so easy for me to be hard on myself, but when I can step back and see what all I have been processing and managing... Well, I'm doing a damn good job. Recovering from infertility is a lot! You are definitely not alone. <3
DeleteBrava! I love this post. I'm not surprised that you might have been a bit foggy with the intensity of the life you've lived in recent years. I'm so glad you now get some breathing space. And that you are guarding that breathing space. That's one of the lessons I think we learn. To look after ourselves. Well done you!
ReplyDeleteThank you Mali. You are always so good at pointing out my progress to me. Much, much appreciated!! <3
DeleteI don't think people who haven't experienced infertility & loss realize what a toll it takes on us, physically, mentally, emotionally... Glad to hear some of the fog is lifting! You have definitely been dealing with a lot these last few years, & I am glad you are finally in a better place! <3
ReplyDeleteAnd what a toll it takes!!! I just kept putting one foot in front of the other... There's that famous quote, something about a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. That single step is so daunting and all of the steps that follow are no picnic either... But three steps forward and two steps back, we eventually get somewhere new.
DeleteDear Phoenix, I entirely agree with you: on the fact that grieve affects cognition and that infertility will be a part of our lives for ever. I'm glad though that you managed to get over the "acute" state of grieve.
ReplyDeleteI've got the impression that we are walking on parallel roads, I’m slowly but surely recovering (which sometimes frightens me: I can’t believe I’m happy again and I’m afraid to lose this equilibrium I’ve fought for!) :-) Xo
Slowly but surely... :) I honestly can't believe I'm happy again as well. We won't lose this sense of peace we are cultivating for ourselves. We worked too dang hard to get it! <3
DeleteYes, a thousand times yes! Grief I feel is the worst of stressors, clouding all kinds of things up and making you feel like a crazy person who can't get their life together. I echo Mali, because you have had a whirlwind couple of years with rearranging your life and going after your new future, and coping with grief on top of all that good work is exhausting. I'm glad you could find the document now and you can look back and see how much progress you've made, and think clearly yet again.
ReplyDeleteGrief totally messes with one's thinking. I look back to my darkest years and remember what all my friends and family were expecting from me. At the time I didn't understand why everything was so hard. Now I do. Now I can extend myself grace and patience.
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