I observed my 4th Survivor Anniversary a couple of weeks ago. I was not blogging on my first survivor anniversary, but I wrote about my second anniversary here and my third anniversary here.
My 4th anniversary brings... Many conflicted feelings. I was not very okay for the first three months of this calendar year. I cried often and blogged about it a bit. I am also simultaneously beyond okay; in fact, I am totally kicking ass. Of course, I don't often receive this message from society so I make sure to remind myself pretty frequently. ;)
I tried to get pregnant for four years. (2.5 years of charting, 6 months of agonizing treatments, and 1 year of hoping for a miracle.) Now it has been four years since my last round of IVF did not result in pregnancy. It has been four years since I, within the course of one month, decided to stop medical intervention, apply to go back to school for a new career, and then move after graduation to a different state to live a completely different life.
And here I am. Graduated, moved, and living life without my children after infertility. And pretty happily so. And I'm also getting divorced... Oh did I forget to mention that?
Of course I know I haven't mentioned that. I have had no idea how to mention it. I've been going through it (hence, the real reason for my blogging hiatus last fall), and you know how it is when you are actually going through something--it can be hard to articulate. So, for now, I will continue to blog about infertility, but I probably won't blog about my marriage or subsequent divorce. But, just so you know, I am no longer married.
So my 4th Survivor Anniversary finds me in a definitely unexpected place. I am happy and I am content. A part of me will always be sad about not getting to raise my children. I continue to grieve and process infertility. I am also processing my divorce. Plus, I'm feeling a bit stressed and overwhelmed with being on the job market and having my lease end soon. So, honestly, I am exhausted. But that's life. Stress comes and goes. Infertility showed me how strong and resilient I really am. I will be fine. I will find a job and a new apartment. Life goes on and I continue to choose to enjoy the little things. I will continue to cook and craft and try new stuff. In fact, tonight I went to a basic sewing class to learn how to sew.
Life is meant to be lived. I am so grateful to have my peace of mind, the opportunity to start a new career, and the rest of my life to explore everything my new home has to offer. From one survivor to another, Happy Anniversary (for whenever yours is)! Whatever you are doing (no matter how much or how little it may seem right now), you are doing awesome!!
It must be so incredibly painful to go through a divorce, and I hope it leads you down a path that will bring you peace and eventually happiness.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your well wishes. <3 Divorce sucks. But the ending of my marriage was more painful than our actual divorce. There was nothing dramatic, just we were moving in different directions. Thankfully, our divorce is not contentious. And honestly, he was the greatest support I could've had when I went through the worst thing of my life (infertility).
Deletedear Phoenix, I am sorry to hear about the divorce. And I am also very proud of you... how strong and optimistic you are. Wishing you all the best!
ReplyDeleteSending you a big hug across the Atlantic.
Klara
Thank you Klara. <3 <3 <3
DeleteDear Phoenix,
ReplyDeleteThis is a lot you have to deal with. I am sorry about the divorce, too. Yet, as Klara wrote above, you are so strong. You are more than a survivor, did you know that? Thank you for sharing your journey and being such an encouraging and inspiring person! ♡
Sending hugs and my very best wishes for strength and peace,
Elaine
Thank you Elaine! It is a lot. The last twelve months have felt even crazier than the preceding couple of years. But in addition to all of the difficulties, there is also a lot to be thankful for.
DeleteI appreciate your hugs and best wishes for strength and peace. <3
Dear Phoenix,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry about your divorce. It must be tough. I guess that, like for infertility, it is impossible for people who didn't face this situation to fully understand what you are going through.
I wish you to keep your optimism and energy and think of you. I really admire your strength <3
Léa
Thank you Lea. <3 I'm doing my best to protect my energy. I learned a lot of valuable lessons while going through infertility, so at least I've got all that knowledge and those coping skills to help me get through this.
DeleteI'm so sorry to hear this too. I totally understand that you haven't wanted (or don't want) to talk about this. What a tough thing to go through.
ReplyDeleteBut oh, how the rest of your post made my heart sing, especially these words, "I am happy and I am content." You've been through so much the last four years, and yet you continue to be grateful for little things, to look for things that will bring you joy, and to live life. And to find contentment, after all that, is a gift and a wonderful achievement too. I hope you are very proud of yourself. Because I am proud of you. Sending love!
Thank you Mali. <3 I promise I'm not one of those "positivity all the time" kinds of people. I don't think that's healthy. I cry, I get angry, I get in funks where I don't feel quite right. But I also try to enjoy the little things like a delicious peanut butter and jelly sandwich or a wonderfully scented hand soap. It's all the little things that add up that make up each day.
DeleteThinking of you on your Survivor Anniversary! You are a beautiful, resilient, honest soul, and I wish all the best for you. I'm so sorry to hear of your divorce, but also wishing you peace and clarity for this new chapter of your life. You have survived so much, and I'm glad the divorce was not contentious and you can remain friends. Endings are so difficult. You really are a Phoenix -- I hope one day soon you don't have to come up from ashes quite so often. Sending so much love!
ReplyDeleteThank you Jess. That was a lot of compliments!! <3
DeleteHe and I will not remain friends, but I know we are both thankful we could get through the process without things getting ugly.
Yes, an uneventful year would be nice. How about I find a job and a new apartment and just coast for the rest of 2019? ;)
I am sorry this is late, and sorry to read about your divorce. :( But I'm glad things have remained civil between you, and that you can look back on the last four years and still find good things to celebrate in your life. As Jess says above, you really have earned your name of Phoenix! Sending love & good wishes for a slightly less eventful year ahead!
ReplyDeleteThank you for pointing that out, that I can look back and still find good memories. That is definitely something to be thankful for. <3
DeleteYes, I am totally in favor of having a less eventful year... If I can pay my bills doing so, I'm even considering working part-time for a year so I can spend more time in nature to restore and heal.
Dear Phoenix
ReplyDeleteYou really, truly are a phoenix rising - I too am sorry to hear about your divorce - despite adversity though you continue to look forward and you are so inspirational, whether or not you realise this!
I hope your future is wonderful, exciting and full of possibilities and of course less eventful as you've said above ;-)
Oh thank you Bamberlamb! I love your blog so much!! :)
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