My divorce was finalized this week and I promptly chucked my cell phone into the washing machine with the sheets. It didn't fully survive. I can make and receive calls and texts, but the camera doesn't work.
And I really enjoy taking pictures. It's actually a great mental health practice for me. I got back into keeping photo albums during my depressive episode of 2009 and I've been at it ever since. Vacations, good meals, crafts I've made, friends I've seen... My photo albums remind me of all of my good times and memories. So, needless to say, I will be buying a new phone. For my mental health of course. Hahaha :)
But seriously. I initiated the divorce; I wanted the divorce. Well, that sounds weird but you know what I mean... Since there were no compromises happening and our incompatibilities weren't going to change, I just needed the whole thing to be over. And now it is. And I feel better. It's a huge weight off my shoulders.
But I am still feeling foggy. As evidenced by my now-washed cell phone.
It's the ending of a marriage, the ending of a friendship, the ending of an era, and the definite ending to my dreams of having and raising our children together.
Those are no small endings.
So I'm doing what I prescribe to myself best: I'm taking it easy. I'm not driving if I don't have to. I'm not making commitments if I don't need to. I'm not talking to people who stress me out. I'm asking myself throughout the day, "What do I need right now?" I'm paying attention to when I'm hungry and when I'm sleepy. I'm extending myself grace and patience when I get easily upset or frustrated. Overall, I am just trying to slow down. I don't want to accidentally hurt myself (or anyone else!) while I am navigating this fog.
To try something different, I signed up for a weekly sewing class a couple of weeks ago. Maybe needles aren't the best thing for me to handle right now haha, but I am excited to put all of my tired thoughts aside and learn something new. And now, my friends, I am off to class! :)
after the fog... there always comes the sun!
ReplyDeleteOh, I like that!! :)
Delete"Those are no small endings." You are so right. Take good care of yourself, as you are. Don't feel guilty for taking good care of yourself. And enjoy sewing class. It's great to learn new skills.
ReplyDeleteSewing class was fun! I tried so hard to paint in college but hated it and just couldn't admit it to myself for whatever reason. Turns out, I think I like fabrics and textile art! I got lost in a "quilting rabbit hole" yesterday looking up all kinds of stuff on the internet and it was wonderful. It is no small feat to feel enthusiastic about something again. :)
Delete"These are not small endings" -- so true, you have a lot to mourn with the end of your marriage and all that's wrapped up in that. I am glad you are honoring the fog and doing what you need to to care for yourself. And sewing! That's awesome. A friend of mine moved away from all she knew and she went to sewing classes to have something new, to create something, to meet some people, and to heal. I hope it is fun and restorative for you! Sending you love and care for your heart.
ReplyDeleteThank you Jess. I finished my first project and really enjoyed it. I thought I'd get frustrated with the thread and/or the machine and whatever, but it was an almost soothing process, especially the hand stitching at the end. Us women are so resilient and wonderful--thank you for telling me about your friend! <3
DeleteI would miss my camera too! I am glad you are taking it easy, and finding new outlets. :) I have a friend who is a "fibre artist." She creates pictures using paint, sewing, embroidery & other techniques. I lost touch with her after university (she studied interior design there) but reconnected a few years ago on Facebook. I am hoping to own one of her pieces someday!
ReplyDeleteOh cool!!! Your friend's art sounds awesome!
DeleteYes, a new outlet was very much needed... :)
Dear Phoenix, I am so proud of you! Yes, you may still feel foggy, but that's okay considering the circumstances. I am amazed at how well you are taking care of yourself <3. Brava! Also, starting something new that you like is excellent. Happy Easter to you and plenty of spring sunshine XO
ReplyDeleteThank you Elaine. I appreciate your kind words. <3
DeleteI very much appreciate the validation I get from everyone here because this is really the only place where I feel like people understand the enormity of all that I've been through. I'm tired and I'm foggy, but I'm also happy and moving forward.
Dear Phoenix, I'm on here catching up; I seem to be offline more and more these days and not feeling the CNBC thing much, if at all (a good thing at 47, I think, and I hope my absence gives hope to others! if that makes sense). But I love that you mentioned taking pictures as a mental health practice: it's like meditation for me, I love it. It's what I do to relax. And I have a friend who quilts and they are works of art. I can't do mindfulness or meditate, but I class these creative activities as just that - our form of mindfulness. Those endings you're going through are very significant, but concentrating on all these 'little' things adds up to a really good way of dealing with the shitstorms of life. Love to you X
ReplyDeleteHello Shores!! <3
DeleteThe whole experience does change over time, doesn't it? I totally understand not feeling the CNBC thing much, if at all these days. I'm still processing and dealing with my reality versus the norm and all of the implications that come with that, but my grief is also already starting to lose the central focus that it has had in my life for so long. I can see that my experience will continue to change over time.
So good to "see" you around! :)