Monday, April 20, 2020

This is Hard

the isolation
the uncertainty
not knowing when it will end
the waiting
feeling stuck
so many worries
financial stress
logistical problems
healthcare concerns
diminished cognitive capacity
slower to process

This is hard, but it's not entirely unfamiliar.

Do those who have suffered from and survived traumatizing loss have a psychological advantage when it comes to enduring a global pandemic and all of its repercussions?

I don't know.

It's one thing to experience infertility and the loss of my children and motherhood on my own in my own life. It's another thing to experience such jarring life interruptions/disruptions/devastation on a global level.

I don't have anything earth shattering to say. I'm not even thinking clearly. I cried a lot this past weekend. And I'm doing fine. I'm staying home. I'm healthy, my needs are met, and I am coping with my stress decently well. But still... It's a lot.

And yet, it's familiar.

This is hard. 


  1. I think when something is familiar, we think we should be able to cope with it more easily. But actually, having a familiar hard on top of a past-experience hard can be really tough. So don't ask too much for yourself. It is a lot. Especially when you don't see an end to it. Sending hugs.

  2. sending you a big hug & lots of love from sLOVEnia.

  3. Dear Phoenix, even though it may be familiar in some ways, it still is difficult. I agree! Your country is hit particularly hard, too. Handling all these emotions is tiring. So I'm sending lots of love to you and my best wishes of strength <3!

  4. Thank you all for your comments. I feel your love. I appreciate the reminder to not ask too much of myself. I agree that "handling all these emotions is tiring."

    I always feel better after I read blog posts and comments. Understood, more connected. Thank you! <3

  5. It IS hard. Even with the "practice" we've all had, handling tough things before. Sending (((hugs))).

    1. "Even with the 'practice' we've all had..." Agreed! <3

  6. Sending you so much love. It is totally hard. Just life right now is exhausting and fuzzy around the edges. And I feel like you may feel more isolated living alone, even if it is that hard-won life you fought for. I am definitely struggling with the constant uncertainty and the feeling of neverending non-normalcy. I hear almost all of the things on your list, and I hope this space makes you feel less isolated. Big squeezy hug through the interwebs from me to you.

    1. Thank you so much Jess!! I haven't blogged about him, but please don't worry about me being isolated by myself during this time. I am not alone. I even have love in my life. :) And I am so, so thankful. He provides me a great amount of comfort and much needed laughter in life. It's not even a new relationship anymore; I just haven't written about him.

      Thank you though, for reaching out especially when you thought I was experiencing this pandemic by myself. I love our community. In a relationship or not, this space definitely makes me feel less isolated. <3