I felt like just giving up and lying around on the couch and feeling sorry for myself, not concerning myself with moving forward in any way. But then I dug in and resolved to fight the good fight. I've worked so hard to get where I am. Why allow myself to passively slide back into a hole?
I lost myself sometime over the last month or two and I hadn't even realized it.
Then Loribeth posted this:
Have I mentioned how thankful I am for the CNBC online community?
Someone is always there to be a friend and/or tell me what I need to hear.
So.
Yes, life is stressful. Infertility, failed treatments, graduate school, moving cross country, changing careers, getting divorced, enduring a pandemic. These are all extremely stressful life events.
Yes, I am tired. I've been writing that since I started this blog and I've been thinking it even longer. But I refuse to give up. The dark emptiness that I had for years is no longer just below the surface, but I know it could return if I give in and give up. Despite all of the stress, I don't want to give up. I deserve to do better for myself.
All that to say... I canceled my surgery date for the hysterectomy procedure. The doctor always said it was my choice. She would support my decision either way, that she would either perform the surgery now or continue to monitor my health and possibly perform the surgery later. After a lot of thought, I've realized that I just can't do it right now. I cannot voluntarily deal with managing one more major life stressor at this time.
The good news is I signed a contract for a new job last week. I felt immensely relieved and grateful. But, this also requires me to move several hours from where I am now. My lease ends soon and I don't have a new place yet. So, at this point, I don't even know where I would be healing and recovering from major surgery if I was having it next month... And that would be assuming I was able to move all of my stuff somewhere before surgery. That, combined with the fact that I never did get any conclusive results that indicated I needed surgery immediately, I am just going to wait and have another check-up in the fall. If I don't have to, I don't want to. Not right now. No surgery for me this summer.
So that's one less stressor. :)
I'm sending big hugs. And yes, so often when we need understanding or inspiration, it comes from one of our fellow bloggers, completely unexpectedly.
ReplyDeleteI think you need to look after yourself. And delaying the hysterectomy is doing exactly that. Get yourself sorted, feel safer (I hope), and then worry about the surgery. We can only ever deal with so much and no more, and knowing our limits is part of the wisdom we gain as we go through life. If we're lucky.
More hugs from across the seas!
It's true! Other bloggers post or comment so many things that make me feel understood and inspired. Usually unexpectedly. :)
DeleteI will definitely follow orders. I agree that I think I need to look after myself. I'm glad I took it easy this week. Yes, I need to move, but everything will happen one step at a time.
Dear Phoenix,
ReplyDeleteI am so very sorry that you got to that state of exhaustion where all you could do was cry. I know that place, too. "Infertility, failed treatments, graduate school, moving cross country, changing careers, getting divorced, enduring a pandemic" - yes, these are many stressors! And you have been doing so, so well, Phoenix, considering all that you had on your plate! I think this really needs to be said <3.
The last few weeks were hard. While things are getting better here in Europe, I know that the situation is still very difficult in the U.S. So I wish you strength and peace, as much of the two as you need.
I am glad to read that you are taking good care of yourself, respecting your limits and cancelling the surgery. You know yourself and your needs best!
Sending hugs,
Elaine
PS: Love Loribeth's post, too! Isn't it amazing how sometimes we come across the one little thing that gives us hope?
Loribeth's post was the best! Just what I needed. :)
DeleteI'm glad the school year has ended and that I signed a new contract for a different job. This gives me some breathing space in between. I really wanted to move and settle somewhere, but I'm not sure my next destination is it either. So I'm practicing a lot of acceptance right now. One day I will get my stuff out of storage... Right now I just want to be thankful for what I do have. The current situation is hard and I will continue to respect my limits. Thanks friend.
I agree you’re doing so well especially considering all the big stressors you’ve gone through. The pandemic puts an added stress in anything else right now. Congrats on the new job! Sending good thoughts for your move.
ReplyDeleteThank you. Validation really does go a long way. :) Sometimes it feels like the people closest to me (my family) don't realize what all I have managed over the last many years. But despite my stress, I am grateful too. I recognize that some of my major stressors have also been opportunities (graduate school, moving, changing careers).
DeleteThank you too for the good thoughts about my move. I am so over moving. I remind myself that it is not as big of a move as I have done the last several times... But it's still a move. Sigh... Lol.
Oh my goodness, thank you for this!! Totally made my day. :)
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you are juggling so many balls right now, but I think you made a wise decision to postpone your surgery. Good luck with the move & the new job! Hang in there, you know we are all behind you. (((hugs)))
Thank you! :) Reading "we are all behind you" made me smile and made me feel good. Thank you so much for the continued support friend!!
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